Simultaneous NRE

My first feelings were of confusion and huge relief. Of course, he was blindsided and upset. He wanted to vent and process. So, I listened and tried to support him. Seems she was faking her interest in him, he was too "different," and wanted too much connection, she wanted something more casual. He was pretty upset.

I slept like a log that night and yesterday my sister and aunt and I had a nice day. First, I did Dad's wash and put a meal in the crockpot. Then we girls went out for shopping and lunch and strolling around the downtown of Naples. It's very pretty; altho high end. The actual purchases I made were at the Bealls nearer my dad's condo, and at a Goodwill there. I got 1 pr of shorts and 1 of capris and a nightgown at Bealls-- everything was on sale, and a sexy bathing suit at GW for $3! :) Yay for retail therapy.

Then we came back to Dad's to recoup for a couple hours. He declined going back out with us to the Naples Beach Hotel which has an outdoor bar, popular for watching the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico. Dad is 86 and really getting out of it. Aunt is almost 79 but totally with it and game for anything. So we girls again went out and had the drink, and sister and I walked a little on the beach after the sun set. I took a lot of pretty pix and was texting the to miss p and Ginger.

Came back to Dad's around 7 for dinner at which he drank too much and was tiresome.
 
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Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my house... miss p was having a 2nd date, finally, with this subbie boy interest of hers. I found out in the evening it went well, sexy/kinky, they had fun.

Ginger had been telling me in the morning he wanted to go see miss p to vent about Buddhist and get support. miss p's date was from 11am to 2pm and that is very early for her, so she napped afterwards and then I got the idea Ginger did go over to her from about 6-9pm. He vented, she cuddled, then I was awkwardly told by both of them that they kissed and got naked and he gave her oral sex.

Once again I was overwhelmed with just too much info. I am bad at being poly! I can't take all this in, all these partners my partners are having. I slept badly and dreamt of murder and riots. sigh...

Today we "girls" drive back across the state to my sister's. Aunt will be with us til Tuesday night, then she flies home to NY and I am staying til next Saturday. I hope things mellow out. I want to enjoy my snowless vacation and try to de-stress.
 
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I am glad that you made it to your destination safely, and I do hope you get to relax and enjoy your time with your family.

You are not bad at poly. You just have had a lot going on. It might be a good thing that Buddhist is gone. It is one less person and one less stressor for you. I do hope Ginger bounces back from it. It happens or has happened to the best of us. At best, you can be a source of support, but if it starts being too much, kindly let him know. I am sorry that it happened to him, though.

Sending hugs your way. Enjoy the sunshine, beaches, and snow free time.
 
Thanks, Ry. Of course, I think it's great, for me anyway, to have Buddhist gone. Ginger told miss p he is relieved too, ultimately. He found out how passive aggressive she is, hiding her true feelings under a guise of "kindness" and Buddhist-speak. He claims to be all over her already! But that can't be possible, I'm sure it's just a guy thing.

Time to get my new suit on and go sit by the pool. Maybe even take a dip, the pool is heated.
 
Now, I am back on the east coast of Florida. Yesterday we a a nice hour or so at the pool, got some sun, and I swam as hard as I could, considering my still convalescent state, for a solid half hour. I figured it would help my stress levels.

Then we had lunch in the condo, packed up and bid farewell to Dad. That is a whole other area of stress, he refuses to move to my sister's side of the state, and he really needs more care, but is incredibly stubborn and won't move. He has Asperger's too, is entirely selfish. And he drinks too much. Bleh.

So, we got outa there and had the 3 hour road trip across the state. I had chatted with Ginger in the morning... he seemed a bit stressed out, but the weather was warming, so that was one positive.

I could have fallen asleep in the car, but I wanted to keep my sister company so I kept myself awake chatting with her and Aunt. Once we got to her place, I napped for an hour or so.

Then it was dinner time so we got in the car. Sister's husband was out golfing with their daughter's bf (we'd heard rumors he was going to ask for her hand in marriage, so that was in the back of all our minds!).

Big purple clouds were suddenly piling up, I was taking pix of them, and then my phone alert for severe weather went off! Tornadoes warning just north of us, take cover! But we didn't, we carried on to the restaurant. Living on the edge, us old ladies.

Had a nice seafood dinner. Sister got a text from her h, after 25 holes of golf, boy did ask for daughter's hand. So that was all cute and adorable and my sister was thrilled, she likes boy.

When we came out, the storm had just started, thunder and lightning and a tropical downpour. Exciting!

After that, TV watching and I chatted online with miss p. For some reason our texts hadn't been reaching each other all day. I didn't hear from Ginger, since I knew he was out at the kirtan even if not accompanied by Buddhist. He never did sign onto chat before I went to bed.

So, a more or less peaceful day, and I slept well with enjoyable dreams. The night before I'd dreamt of child murder and riots at the Olympics.
 
"Stormchaser Mags"... :D

Glad you made it to, and are enjoying Florida. You missed a couple warmish days up this way, but I'm doubting you really "missed" them, given where you are. ;)

And from this Mono chick, you don't sound bad at anything - lots of stuff going on, lots of emotions, all sorts of hither-and-yon, and at least the situation that got you upset is one in which both people care greatly for you, which ought to help.

Cripes, I feel like a complete problem child sometimes and occasionally go to the "if I only were poly / understood how he/they feel, then I wouldn't be such a ginormous pain" school of thought. Because all poly folks have their shit together all the time, right? :rolleyes:

Thanks for being human. This is why I love the blogs - advice boards are good for giving the best advice we can think of. The blog board is us being us, and being imperfect. I can relate much better to that. :)
 
Thanks for the feedback, YouAreHere. I am human, all right. Gods help me!

I've been in Florida for a week and am very slowly relaxing and regaining strength after all the stress and sickness. Our aunt flew home on Tuesday and Sister and I can relax, let our hair down and just please ourselves. She needed this break just as much as I did! We've been doing a little shopping, beaching, wine drinking, watching our TV shows. We have a lot of the same tastes and sometimes we don't even need to speak. We kind of work together like clockwork, having been close sisters for 57 years!

miss pixi and Ginger miss me, and I miss them, but they both are glad I am down here in the warm sun now that it's back to single digits in Massachusetts!

I've been mulling over my previous bad feelings about Ginger dating Buddhist. I think it was a combination of 2 things: Ginger not being able, or just unwilling, to describe her or their dates in a way that enabled me to enjoy their NRE vicariously (ie: have compersion). Also, I think I had a gut feeling she wasn't right for him, didn't care enough about him, was just somehow too unformed, too casual, too nebulous in her emotions and actions.

Also, there was just too much polysaturation going on!

I wonder what hijinks Ginger will be up to next? Or will we have a mellow period for a while? I wonder if miss pixi will see her subby boy again soon? Or will he be shy and stay away again?

One thing I know, there's not much chance *I* will be dating any strangers anytime soon. That would just be crazy. I wonder if other here feel the same. Your partners' dating is so complicated, it suppresses your own desire to date more people?
 
I am glad you are relaxing and enjoying yourself. You deserved a break. I have heard about the awful weather in the States. And I thought GB was bad with the constant blustery conditions!

It is absolutely possible that there were some intuitive feelings surrounding Buddhist. If so, those gut feelings were right.

I hope there will be a mellow period with Ginger. He has had a lot of activity going on the past few months, and I can definitely see where polysaturation might have peaked.

If I were in your shoes, I would have no interest in dating right now. The flood, being sick, Ginger's dating conquests, etc. It has been a busy period. Remember you came across some characters and sad cases (attempted suicide, if I remember correctly), when you were dating. Nothing wrong with being saturated or even burned out. You have two great partners, and things might be back on the path to calm.
 
I've been back from Florida for 2 weeks now. I dont remember if I mentioned earlier that my first flight from Boston to West Palm Beach airport was delayed and finally cancelled, necessitating spending the night at the airport, after boarding 2 1/2 hrs late and then sitting on the runway for another 2 hours.

My back was already not feeling great after having had to shovel snow almost daily plus move half my furniture to the pod outside because of the flood.

So, after a few days in Fla, my back went way out and it's still healing. As a result I've been having to take it really easy. Well, after a winter of so much stress, sitting and reading a lot doesnt seem so bad. I've had to put a lot of my hobbies and outside interests on hold.

I am able to walk and have sex, I figure those are good for my back.

Ginger hasn't found another new gf yet, but he did go dancing last weekend and ended up dancing with 3 women at once. I know they all found it sexually exciting. One woman is his regular dance partner, one is a newer friend (they met last summer), one was a brand new friend and he friended her on FB when he got home. I've seen them all gushing about what a great time they had dancing with him and each other....

He has told me he wouldnt pursue anything more than dancing with any of them, as it might ruin the dancing.

I know he still goes to OKC regularly and chats up both men and women when someone seems interested or interesting. So I guess it's just a matter of time before he finds someone new... I don't think the lack of real success with Mischa or Buddhist had jaded him any.

miss p still chats with her subbie boy, let's call him Karl. They had a really fun date while I was away. He'd probably be happier having another date with me out of the house... I might arrange that.

I am so uninterested in dating... I have to remind myself why I used to enjoy it, to have compersion for miss pixi and Ginger chatting people up! I'm sure Ginger has it as a sort of hobby, he is interested in women, he just loves women and loves variety. I used to have that curiosity and lust too. I asked miss pixi why she keeps chatting up men other than Karl. She says she really just wants good friends, some people who will drop by anytime, like she used to have in her younger days.

So, anyway, they both love me and lust for me, spend time with me, take care of me and our house, have fun with me. What they do when they aren't focused on me is really none of my business. It's not a threat, just a complication. I hope I can be more graceful if/when Ginger finds a new gf.

The other day, I did 5 star a guy on okc who seemed nice, looked cute, and was poly. Just to keep up with miss pixi and Ginger! lol. He hasnt responded though. Then, the day after that, a guy I apparently chatted with on yim a few years ago emailed me to reconnect. I didn't remember him! He seemed hurt. Even when he sent me a couple pix, I didn't recall him. He says he is married, not open "yet" but has rekindled some kind of relationship with "an old flame." So, almost cheating and now looking to get with me too? No wonder I didn't remember him.
 
My back is still healing and I am still needing to take it easy. It's kinda tough to not feel like myself, but I guess I just have to accept it. I've been through a lot in the past year and need to regroup, I guess.

That one cute poly guy (nickname PolyGuy) I 5 starred, he did PM me back, we PMed back and forth some, and I read his Q&A's. Turns out he seems to be close to asexual, and of course, that wouldn't be acceptable. I haven't heard from him since my last message, maybe he's intimidated by my sexuality.

Since I answered a few new questions on okc, I started getting messages from interested guys. One of them (HornyOldGuy) seemed OK at first, but he just couldn't stop with the aggressively sexual chat and innuendo, as if it was a foregone conclusion he'd soon be bedding me, and quite possibly bedding my partners as well. Once I requested he tone down the sexual chat, he stopped PMing me.

I think he thinks me being polyamorous means I am hot to trot with anyone, a sexbot or nymphomaniac. Yuck.


So, the above, one too asexual, another too focused on sex. Then there is a 3rd guy, who seems to be somewhere in the middle. Problem is, I don't really find his looks appealing, I can't imagine kissing him! He's nice and all, but seems kind of depressed and lonely, perhaps desperate.

Then I've also gotten the usual one liner messages from about 10 guys in a 3 days, variations on, "You are very beautiful and attractive and seem like someone I would like to get to know," type of thing. Guys, you're so obvious. You get your dick out, look at photos, and increase your excitement by messaging the women you look at, never mind who she is as a person, or whether you share any interests with her at all. What makes them think this is OK?

Anyway, this all reminds me of my long search for a bf before I met Ginger. I think he's enjoying talking to women more than I am enjoying talking to new men, because, face it, women are nicer than men! (Generally speaking.) I've been telling him about my interactions with these new men. Basically, I am bored waiting for my back to heal, but talking to new men is (so far) frustrating and off putting. I'd be better off just reading a book.
 
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miss pixi has a new man she's interested in. She's only been talking online to him for a few days, but for hours a day, she told me. They already have a date set up for Saturday. Normally she doesn't move this fast, but she's more confident these days, and wants to meet more cool people.

Her sub, Karl, doesn't want to date, go out for dinner or activities. All he seems to want is to come over very occasionally when he feels courageous, for a D/s session. So, not much going on there other than chatting online.

I hope her date goes well. Once again, I am not jealous or feeling weird in any way about her dating. I see she has some excitement and I am getting the spillover, but I know my special place in her heart and just want her to have a good time. From what she tells me, and the pic she shared, he seems respectful and a good match.

Next topic: sexual fantasizing. I know many of us fantasize during masturbation. Many also might fantasize about someone else while having sex with our partner. Oddly I don't feel a need to fantasize about someone else while having sex with one of my partners. I have come to realize that my true sexual nature was so undeveloped when I was with my ex-husband for all those years. I used to get major crushes on friends, acquaintances, celebrities, since I felt so judged by my ex, because of my tendency to get crushes! The more he disapproved, the more I felt judged and far from him, and the more I'd crush on someone else.

Now that I feel so accepted for who I am, I never fantasize during sex, and even have a hard time coming up with a good fantasy during masturbation.
Kind of weird! Something new to get used to.
 
miss pixi had her 2nd date with her new interest last weekend and is having third date tonight. She even spent the night last weekend. He can't do an overnight tonight though, and she was disappointed!

She's really into him. He is a Dom and she seems to find his style right up her alley. They chat for an hour or two online almost every night. It seems to be very positive for her, she is completely infatuated. She's been treating me fine despite her NRE, I don't feel neglected. It's definitely a change for us though. She's had 2 bfs in the 5 years we've been together but no one who met her needs for kink this well.

I guess I should nickname him. Ugh... can't think. Since I am a switch myself I have conflicting feelings about him. The subby part of me feels I should also submit to him, the Dommey part of me feels suspicious and competitive, lol.

No new interests of note for Ginger, although he had me take a picture of him for his "female" profile on OKC. He's genderqueer and has had a pictureless nearly wordless female profile for years. Just a social experiment. Last week he put up one of the pix I took of him, which is him from the back, in just a pair of my underpants, with his long hair cascading down over his shoulders. He also added a bit of text to his profile. He has been inundated with visitors and messages! Hundreds of visitors, maybe 100 or more messages from all over the East Coast and beyond. It's pretty funny. Many short men enamoured with a "tall woman," since he put his actual height (6'1") on his profile.

He ignores the jerks and chats with the nicer seeming guys and generally makes it clear in chat that he's not as female as they might think. His profile does hint at this too, if men are savvy enough to get it. It's kind of fun to see him experience what women go through on OKC, first hand.
 
And in my own news, I did go on a coffee date with PolyGuy, mentioned above. We chatted online for a couple weeks and I decided to take the plunge. We met at coffee shop quite near miss pixi's old apartment in greater Boston, where he lives.

Seems he and his gf have been together 10 years and have always been nominally poly. But in November of last year she got romantically involved with a friend, who became a roommate (!) quite soon after. They also have one more roommate who is unaware the woman is in relationship with 2 men.

I wasn't over the moon for this guy after our date. I do believe, like Ginger said, he lives too much in his head. He's not seeming very sexual or even physically affectionate, from what he said and how he acted. He's kinda cute, but I prefer leaner men and he's on the chubby side. Nice hair though, 46, childfree. Smart, a lefty and all that. Since he's really a poly noob as far as practice, we talked a lot about poly in general. He only joined OKC in Feb, 2 months ago, just getting his feet wet. I was his first actual date.

I felt disappointed after the date, since there were no physical sparks. Part of me feels very stupid to even be dating-- I felt polysaturated even before the date! And since I didn't even get a sexual charge out of it, I felt even more let down. Of course, he could just be a platonic friend... however, do I even want one more platonic friend? Not really. Maybe. LOL

He wrote to me right after our date, saying he wanted to see me again, and since then has suggested he comes out my way to go to one of my local cafes. Hmm... Good thing I like coffee.
 
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Well, so much for Ginger not wanting a relationship with any of his dance partners. Carla has been pursuing him, FB chatting him, flirting mightily. I have seen her eyeing him over the past few weeks at events, and I just knew she had a big crush on him!

So, it seems to be a thing. She is quite young, mid 30s I'd say. Married, 3 young children. Once the flirting got to a certain point, he asked her if this would be ok with her h, and she said they were mono since 2000, but last fall she got him to open the marriage since there was this guy she wanted to be with. That didn't work out, and now she has set her sights on Ginger. Yesterday she chatted him while her kids were napping, and then again as soon as they were down for the night. Keeping him up til 1am, and today he is tired.

Developing story...
 
Which brings me back to the title of my blog, Simultaneous NRE, this time my 2 partners both have new interests. And I don't, really. PolyGuy isn't much of a chatter. He has car troubles and won't be able to come out for a while, and... as I said, I am getting more of a friend vibe than an "amour" vibe from him and towards him.
 
Yeah, so the first time Carla IMed Ginger on FB, it was raining. She asked him to go out into the rain, and she would too, to dance naked. Her toddler was napping, maybe the 5 year old was too.

Apparently she's got a yard with enough privacy to go out into it naked. Of course, Ginger lives in the middle of his 57 acres, he can walk around naked anytime he wants.

So, they did that. Then they both got chilly and came back in and virtually cuddled and warmed up. :rolleyes:

Then (he told me) she semi apologized for coming on strong, but she was ovulating and her h was in Europe on business. At this point Ginger asked her if her flirting with him in this way would be OK with her h. She then told him how they'd opened their 13 year marriage last fall. But she hadn't told her h about her new feelings for Ginger yet, she would asap.

This was all mid last week. Kirtan was on for the Friday. I wasn't going to go. miss p wasn't seeing her Dom, so I was looking forward to a weekend with her, and with my son who was coming for a visit too.

So. Ginger goes to kirtan. Carla is there. So is her h, as planned. He'd just gotten in from Europe the night before, was jet lagged, and actually fell asleep during the chanting. Carla had told Ginger in IM just before kirtan that there just hadnt been a chance for her to talk to her h yet. Of course, they have 3 very young kids, there was no time to talk, Daddy was probably being swarmed after a week away.

So, as soon as her h fell asleep, Carla started giving Ginger these long burning gazes across the room. At one point he was standing up and sort of swaying dancing while chanting. She got up, came across the room, and danced with him. Which, as he told me, was probably inappropriate for kirtan, which is the sacred chanting of the names of the Hindu gods. A spiritual, religious, meditative thing.

He said it didn't last long, but it did attract the attention of his other friend/dance partner, Sally, who was leading the chanting. He said, she looked up at them with a WTF expression on her face.

Meanwhile Carla's H is dozing in the corner, all unaware!

So in our discussions since, I found out Carla finally told her h about Ginger, that night on the way home from kirtan, and lo and behold, they have been having "beautiful talks" since, about Ginger, and poly in general, and seemingly it has enhanced their connection. So, at least it seems good on that front.
 
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So, I just wasn't ready for a new love interest in Ginger's life, just a mere 2 months after Buddhist didn't work out, and Mischa just before her. It's like a sickening rollercoaster, wrapping my head around this that and the other woman. I've just sort of finally gotten used to his relationship with miss pixi!

It's even killed my lust for him and that is saying a lot, considering my sex drive.
 
I crowd sourced this problem of Ginger's frequent dating on the Relationships forum here and got lots of good advice. I was going kind of crazy, and feeling unvalued. Feeling better now. Going to stop asking for details of any woman he is chatting or trying to date. It just causes me angst.

I just hope it doesn't cause a kind of DADT distance between us.:(

In other news, miss p had yet another great date with her new Master. Kinky fun bondagey sexy times, and he made her dinner and she spent the night. She finds him exciting and kind and fun to be with.

Ginger came by for 3 hours yesterday midday. We had some very gentle slow vanilla sex, not vigorous because both our backs hurt, but enjoyable nonetheless. Then I walked the dog while he picked up miss p from the commuter rail station. Then he and I did some gardening. Well, I mostly watched and supervised as he dug up 2 gigantic hostas that have outgrown their bed. He has room for them in a bed on his land. Now I have room for some other varieties of plants. :)

Today we are getting a new roof. Last winter, not only did we have a basement flood, the old roof leaked when covered in feet of snow and ice.

How could I be considering dating myself when there are new roofs going on, back to heal, spring and summer weather to enjoy, and both my sweeties dating new people? Too much going on!
 
Another morning, another day of anxiety about the impact Ginger's new relationship is having on my life.

I don't feel I should ask him about their progress, about how Carla's h is dealing, where he stands on making emotional and physical space for this in their lives. I don't know if Ginger and Carla have another date planned. I don't know how often they talk online during the day-- every time her youngest naps when her older ones are in school? Every evening after they are in bed? Heck, maybe she even chats Ginger when the kids are all home and playing nicely. I have no freaking idea.

Then, I question myself. Why do I need to know? Why do I care?

I feel left out, like they are conspiring behind my back to do things I wouldn't approve of. I am also mourning what feels like a closed door to me-- to the drum and dance community. There are 2 major drumming fests in the larger community I've gone to with Ginger in the past 2 years. One in early summer, one in late summer. Will he now want her to go to them with him, instead of going with me?? Or will she skip them, or go to them with her husband and kids, and I go to them with Ginger (and perhaps miss pixi). But then, what if we run into Carla and her family, will it be awkward?

I find myself stuffing my face with junk food, stuffing my feelings, yes yes, I know, Dr Freud.

Today I woke up with the realization am feeling a big disconnect. I feel like I love him less. Which is almost a pleasant feeling, since feeling detached seems better than high anxiety. Even if any "threat" is purely my imagination.

I remember when he was dating the Buddhist and he asked me to become "unattached" to any outcome. And how does being unattached differ from feeling detached? I still don't know. But I do know I feel a certain detachment. I need to distance myself from this sadness. I need to feel less clingy, and work on feeling less nostalgic for the time when I felt more valued and relaxed and confident in what we had together.

Ginger says he values me. He is trying to convince me he still loves me just as much, and of course, I am sure he does. He feels fine! He's got 4 SOs! He gets to go from one to another like a bee from flower to flower, pollinating away... I know. I used to feel that way when I was dating a lot, and also had several hot online flirtations going on.

He has this whole big thing going on which is totally not my business. He has needs which he does not want me to meet. Maybe that is why I feel so differently about miss pixi's OSOs. They meet needs of hers I do not want to meet, or am literally incapable of meeting. Ginger has needs which I would like to meet but can not. If those needs are for variety, adventure and a challenge, well, I am same old same old, I am a known commodity and there's no big challenge in trying to hook up with me, I am here willing and ready for the taking. Which just about makes me feel like an old worn out shoe. Even though he tells me he still gets a tingle of excitement every time he comes through my door.

Will I be able to get past this time of turmoil and feel as fine about Ginger/Carla as I do about miss pixi and her 2 guys? God, I hope so. I was worn down by Ginger dating one woman after another, but now he told me he is feeling a "special click" with Carla, the same feeling he felt when he first connected with me 2 years ago, and with his wife 25 years ago.

Yet, he also claims that, whether Carla and he work out or not, he is still open to yet more relationships. Meaning, that even if Ginger and Carla settle into being a couple, long term, and I get used to that, I still have to deal with my feelings around potentially dozens of other new people he might pursue.

Ginger is being very patient with me now, but I fear that the longer I project as unconfident, anxious, whiny, weak, vulnerable, I will seem less and less attractive and "fun" to be with, and he WILL dump me.

Maybe this brand new feeling of detachment will allow me to let go of my need to know, need to be thought of as special. If I just cared about him less, I wouldn't have to give a shit about how he feels about Carla, and what they are up to. I could be like, "Go ahead, enjoy yourself. Maybe we can get together one of these days when you have a chance." And then go about my business with a clear head, and be able to focus on the here and now of what I am doing. I am of course, trying to keep busy, living my life, chores, errands, hobbies, work, hanging out with and loving miss pixi. She and I have had some nice dates lately. They work to distract me for a while.

If I can detach from being perhaps overly invested in Ginger, maybe my mind won't keep spinning, worrying on this thing like a dog with a bone, or picking at a scab.
 
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