Confusing situation - want to do the right thing

Dash

New member
I am in a situation where I am a little confused how best to act and wanted to offer it up to the collective wisdom of the forum! :D

My partner and I have recently embraced full poly (a transition from DADT for many years). I am not sure if I am mono at heart but feel that I owe it to myself to explore the 'fun side' of poly fully before making the decision.

To that end, I have been going to meet-ups and chatting with/meeting people on OKC. So far I have met some nice guys but not had any real interest in or connection with any of them.

A little while ago I started chatting to a couple on the site and we met for a casual coffee about a week ago. I was super nervous but pleasantly surprised because I quite liked them both. They are smart, interesting people and this is very attractive to me, on top of this I also think they are both physically attractive. We are making plans to meet again and I am quite looking forward to it.

So far, it all seems perfect. The only real question in my mind that I would like input on is how do I tactfully ask them about their 'intentions'? :p They already know mine in that I don't have any. I have no agenda for what I want my new relationships to 'look like' and am very happy to just follow my feelings (with respect for the boundaries of all concerned) and see where they lead. I consider myself heteroflexible because, even though I have never been with a woman, I am finding myself increasingly attracted to women and would like to explore that further. At the moment, my feelings tell me that I would like to date both of them both separately and see if it becomes romantic/sexual/friendship or anything in between, I am open to all possibilities.

The only option that I am not ready for with them is a threesome. I have never experienced that before but I do find it appealing. My partner and I have discussed it at length and have decided that we both want to have our first time together (with another girl). This is not a jealousy thing, after the first time we would both be free to branch out and do it with other people, but rather something we want to share with each other first.

So far, with the couple I've met, they contact me as a pair, using the 'we' pronoun and via one phone number and OKC account (his?). While all the conversations have been friendly and casual and not flirty/sexual, I am concerned that they are only interested in me as a potential unicorn. My low self-esteem makes me worry that this is all I am to them and while there is nothing wrong with their looking for a unicorn I feel the need to tactfully convey to them that this is not on the table with me for the foreseeable future. I would rather risk disappointing them sooner than later.

How do I bring this up naturally? I don't want to lead them on but have no idea how to have the conversation (my social skills are sub-par).

A side note: from what they've told me about their poly experiences, the guy has had a girl previously and all three hung out together (it's unclear if this was just friendly or a threesome). The girl is not really looking for other partners at the moment.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
 
From what you've said (the we pronoun is the giveaway here), I would guess that they are looking to date you together, as a couple. However, that doesn't mean that they might not be open to dating you one-on-one for a while. If you met them and felt a good connection with them both, it's quite likely that they met you and felt something similar. If I were in their shoes and you explained your situation, it wouldn't put me off at all. However, me and my partner are fairly comfortable dating as individuals. If these guys are new to open relationships, or have a particular desire for group sex, then maybe you're not going to be able to find a compromise. As ever, honesty is the best policy. Explain that you like them both, you'd like to get to know them both better, but that threesome sex is off the table for you at the moment, but not forever. If that scares them off, then so be it. It will just mean that you are all looking for different things.

For what it's worth, I think it's a bit of a misnomer to describe yourself as agenda-less. You have already discovered that you are not looking for a threesome experience that does not include your other partner, so you could be clearer about that in future too if this does turn out to be a deal breaker. Given that there are a lot more couples looking for a single girl/guy to join them for a threesome than there are single girls/guys looking for couples, it is statistically going to be a lot easier for you and your partner to both find other people to explore that with separately than to join the list of couples looking to find the right girl you both connect with. So whilst waiting might be your preference now, you might have to exercise some patience.
 
Thanks! I am willing to be patient, not dying to have a threesome tomorrow or anything.

I get what you mean about not being completely without agenda but I find it hard to bring up. When people ask what you're looking for it's kinda weird to say, "anything except...". It sounds awkward to define my agenda by what I'm not willing to do, that's all.
 
... I get what you mean about not being completely without agenda but I find it hard to bring up. When people ask what you're looking for it's kinda weird to say, "anything except...". It sounds awkward to define my agenda by what I'm not willing to do, that's all.

Dash, that's actually really common in my experience. People tend to know in a more visceral way what they won't do in a given situation (hard limits). For me, it's been way more time and work to figure out what I want, as opposed to what I don't. There isn't anything wrong with setting boundaries and there isn't anything wrong with those boundaries evolving/changing over time. It can be a bit awkward to talk about such things but I find it helpful to just acknowledge that to the other people, that, 'hey, this is kinda awkward! But we will figure it out.'
 
Is the possibility of a threesome with them completely off the table? Or, do you just want to take time to know them individually first? If it's completely off the table for the forseeable future, then I'd just say "I'm not into threesomes but I'm up for dating individually." If it's just temporarily off the table, you could say something like "I prefer to get to know you each individually before considering a threesome." I understand that it's difficult to communicate initially. But, the more you do it, the easier it will become.

FWIW, I agree with tenk. It sounds like the couple is probably looking for someone to date them as a couple (which is just weird to me.) I'd just ask them, do you date individually or only as a couple?

I've always found it strange when couples will only date and have sex as a couple. (I've had threesomes and was in a functional triad for 6 months and the idea of dating only as a couple still creeps me out, lol.)
 
I think the possibility is completely off the table, or at least that's what I'll say so as not to lead them on. It's not just a matter of getting to know them better but of having the experience with my partner first (which, we've established, could take a long time to happen).

I'm not really into triad dating either. I don't like the idea of constantly having to make sure I'm not excluding someone. My social skills are just not up to that balancing act! :p
 
Hi Dash,

Re (from OP):
"How do I tactfully ask them about their 'intentions?'"

Perhaps you could tell them something like, "I am feeling that I'd like to date you separately and see if it becomes romantic/sexual/friendship or anything in between. How would you feel about that?"

That's my first thought anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin! I'm working on a 'script' in my head. I just want to do it right because even if it doesn't become romantic I would love to at least have poly friends.
 
If you're going to practice polyamory, it's almost a requirement you work on your self esteem and make sure your communication skills are top notch. Being shy and not being clear about how you want to proceed is a recipe for trauma, hurt feelings and nasty breakups.

I can almost guarantee this couple is unicorn hunting, or one or the other of them would have met you alone, they wouldn't be saying "we" all the time, and they'd have separate okc profiles.

Step up your game.
 
Wow, harsh! I am actually working on my self esteem and social skills with a counsellor (and a life coach for a while) and people have already noticed the difference.

I absolutely plan to talk to them, I just wanted to use this forum for advice on how to start/what to say.
 
Sorry I came across as harsh. I guess I have no trouble speaking my mind. Use whatever works best for you. Face to face, text, IM, phone. Ask outright, are you two looking to find a woman to share between you, only 3way dates, only threesome sex, no private communication between your and him, or you and her? if they say yes, move on. If they are open to one on one dating, great! Off you go.
 
Thanks, that's helpful! I am definitely planning to talk to them face to face as that seems like the most adult way to do it and I am fully prepared to be rejected for one on one dating. Thinking of just starting by asking if they only want to 'date' as a couple cause I think that might start the conversation gently...if not, I might need to just jump in there and be blunt!
 
That sounds to me like a good plan.
 
Just ask them what they are looking for, and whether they only date as a team.

Whenever I meet someone who is open or poly and has a partner, I ask them, "Do you have any rules between you that would affect me?" That usually leads to a good conversation about how we each "do poly," what expectations (if any) we have, etc.

About yourself, you can say, "Well, I am still figuring out what I want, but I do know what I don't want, and that is..."
 
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Thanks nycindie, I like that as a good starting point for the conversation! I'll be fine once we get into it, I think I'm just a bit nervous because this is my first time having this particular conversation.
 
Update

Okay, so last Friday we all went out and I was super nervous because I knew I had to bring up all this stuff that night and not let it drag on in limbo. I almost lost my courage but I did it right as we were saying goodbye. Probably not ideal but at least that way the rest of the evening wasn't awkward...just the end a little bit.

I asked what they were looking for and they confirmed what I suspected, that they are looking for a girl to join them in dating and in the bedroom. I, awkwardly but politely, said that I really enjoy hanging out with them but unfortunately I'm just not ready for that. I made it very clear that I totally understand if that's a 'deal breaker' and they don't have to feel obligated keep hanging out if this is not what they want.

They seemed to reciprocate my feeling that they enjoy hanging out with me and even invited me to his birthday next week, which I thought was quite nice. However, I didn't get any details and sort of left it up to them to contact me. I thought this would be easier as, if they are not interested in seeing me anymore, they could just go silent. It now seems like that is the case since I have not heard from them yet (and it is now Tuesday). I'm okay with that and kind of thought I would just leave it at that (I certainly don't want to make people feel obligated to be friends with me if all they are looking for is a unicorn).

I'm not really struggling or anything, just wanted to give an update and ask if anyone here thinks I am doing the wrong thing by stepping back and leaving the ball in their court with regard to getting in touch again?
 
They seemed to reciprocate my feeling that they enjoy hanging out with me and even invited me to his birthday next week, which I thought was quite nice. However, I didn't get any details and sort of left it up to them to contact me. I thought this would be easier as, if they are not interested in seeing me anymore, they could just go silent. It now seems like that is the case since I have not heard from them yet (and it is now Tuesday). I'm okay with that and kind of thought I would just leave it at that (I certainly don't want to make people feel obligated to be friends with me if all they are looking for is a unicorn).

I'm not really struggling or anything, just wanted to give an update and ask if anyone here thinks I am doing the wrong thing by stepping back and leaving the ball in their court with regard to getting in touch again?

Well, sure. Perhaps they were very disappointed when you told them you weren't interested in dating a couple, but needed time to process that between them, so they weren't clear when you parted. One of the problems for the unicorn is that the couple can talk to each other to work on problems and solutions, while the "shared girl" has no idea what they are saying.

Perhaps their one last thrust of desire led them to invite you to the party anyway. I'd say if they haven't contacted you in several days, you've got your answer. Unless you really really want to be platonic friends, I'd just leave it at that. But trying to be platonic with a couple with the shared goal of both banging the same chick is playing with fire, imo.
 
Thanks Magdlyn, I agree. And it totally makes sense that they talked it over and decided not to get back in touch with me. I think this is one of those "don't call us, we'll call you" situations. Unless I want to be their unicorn then I just need to step back.
 
Hi Dash,

Thanks for that update; I think you handled things the right way. Hopefully you will have poly prospects in the future of a non-unicorn kind.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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