Here's to first posts!

BathedInSalt

New member
I'm in that discovery phase of what I'm going to call my poly path.
I figured my first post here should be an introduction.
My specific situation is that I'm in my mid-thirties, bi and happily married for 7 years to a man with whom I have three kids under 8yrs old.
I recently found myself with some serious feelings for another man that didn't diminish my feelings for my husband. I started reflecting on past relationships as well as my marriage. I wouldn't say that my heart has ever been monogamous. I would say that I beat myself up for those feelings. I have been monogamous though in practice. With my husband I haven't had to be, we just haven't ever called it anything. We've always talked about our feelings and worked within them. It had always worked until maybe now. I say maybe because we're trying to figure out if it will work. 5 of our 7 years our relationship included the knowledge of me being in another emotionally and physically intimate relationship with a woman. About 2 years ago the woman and I ended our sexual relationship, but continue to have an intimate one that's life long. There's probably a word for that, but I don't know it yet. There seem to be words for everything. I have had two conversations with my husband. I'm pretty sure he's mono. I'm pretty sure I'm poly. I'm pretty excited and scared. I've been reading and listening to podcasts, devouring information. I have at least 2 friends I can talk to in real life that are poly and that helps. The main things I think my husband and I have going for us is that we are pretty great at communicating. We've already breached the subject ( I got a sitter and took him out for a few beers) and he's at least open to discovering with me, reading, listening, all be it at a slower pace. I've already read some good advice and look forward to more. The main things I worry are going to work against us are that my feelings for another man are what sparked this self-reflection, I have insecurities, that possibly/probably childhood trauma that affects the way I love and that my husband is a bit of a conflict avoider (to his own detriment). I keep telling myself that there are bound to be growing pains. That a relationship with the other man is very likely not going to happen, or even should happen right now. Lastly, that no matter what we decide going forward my husband and I will be better off for knowing more about ourselves and each other. We already feel more bonded.
 
Greetings LLY54ILY2,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have been doing your homework, you aren't just leaping into poly but are studying up, and talking with your husband. That's a smart way to go, and Polyamory.com can help you along the way, just let us know of any questions you may have. Glad to have you with us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi LLY54ILY2 - welcome to the Forum! I've been here for a few months now, since my wife asked me to open our marriage so that she could explore here resurgent feelings for an old college bf - and we are now about 7 months into our mono turned poly marriage. I've found most of the folks here to be friendly and helpful with lots of sound advice and solid info. I will leave the advice to the veterans - except to say that you may find that your husband has a more difficult time accepting you having a relationship with another man than he did with a woman. It is not too uncommon in the poly world to find that the negotiated agreement (especially in a formerly mono marriage) is that the wife can have relationships with women but not men. But, then again, maybe not - there are plenty of other formerly mono marriages where there is no such restriction (including mine, other than that our poly agreement applies only to her old college bf - which is all that she says she wants. If that should change, it would be a whole new negotiation). Best of luck on your poly journey! Al

Edit - in rereading this, I believe I may have been somewhat too simplistic in regard to my personal situation - and would not want to leave any false impressions. I had to work *really* hard to achieve a level of acceptance that allowed me to consent to opening our marriage to poly - and her having a boyfriend in addition to our marriage. Finding a willingness to open our marriage to poly ranks among the most difficult things that I have done in life. And many others here have had similar challenges in response to their spouse's desire to open the marriage. Obviously, this may or may not be true for your husband - but you may find it helpful to understand that many men (who are essentially mono oriented) do find it very difficult to accept the idea of their wife having a boyfriend (even if she had a girlfriend). There is a link to my full story in the signature below. Again, best of luck on your poly journey! Al
 
Last edited:
Thank you

I've been reading the threads under Golden Nuggets. I have a bajillion questions, but I think I can find most of the answers in other people's posts. I also haven't been on a forum in a long time so I'm bound to screw up etiquette, but I'll pick up fast after much lurking. I am hoping to find people in a similar situation as me so that once I get past the am I sure phase I can see how it might work logistically. Of course it's different for everyone, but an idea helps.
 
If you have specific questions, the best place to post them is on the "Poly Relationships Corner" - which is very active - and where it will get the most attention from some of our experienced veterans.

I can find most of the answers in other people's posts

That too.... There are almost a quarter of a million archived posts on this board - so the search function at the top of the home page can often be very helpful in looking up specific topics.

Al
 
Edit - in rereading this, I believe I may have been somewhat too simplistic in regard to my personal situation - and would not want to leave any false impressions. I had to work *really* hard to achieve a level of acceptance that allowed me to consent to opening our marriage to poly - and her having a boyfriend in addition to our marriage. Finding a willingness to open our marriage to poly ranks among the most difficult things that I have done in life. And many others here have had similar challenges in response to their spouse's desire to open the marriage. Obviously, this may or may not be true for your husband - but you may find it helpful to understand that many men (who are essentially mono oriented) do find it very difficult to accept the idea of their wife having a boyfriend (even if she had a girlfriend). There is a link to my full story in the signature below. Again, best of luck on your poly journey! Al

No worries, I can't see this being an easy transition for anyone really. I didn't assume it was simple for you. It's certainly not for us. After I realized that this is me I was scared but sure that I needed to tell my husband. My biggest hurdle currently is that fear of possibly upsetting him every time I bring it up, but that I need to bring it up a lot. There's a lot to work through and talk-think (think-talk?). At a base level we are good at doing that for each other, but now we're doing it about this subject that could and sometimes does cause serious emotions to come up. I guess for now we are working on that part. Communication with less fear.
I honestly feel very lucky to have the husband I do. I have never once felt dismissed by him. I told him yesterday what I'd been reading up on and asked him if he wanted links and he said yeah, send em. So he's willing to learn too. I'm willing to move at his pace. Odds are I won't start a relationship with the man I have in mind now, but in the future a relationship could develop naturally for me because of the work we're doing now.
I'm afraid I'm going to ruin my marriage, even if that's not based in truth it's my fear. I'm also afraid that we won't end up being compatible b/c of this, like it's too big of a difference. That's a whole other can of worms though to be sorted out farther down the road. I have no intention of leaving my husband, but I do wonder/worry if I will end up having to practice a mono life with him in order to stay and if that will cause me to act out or be depressed. Knowing how much this has already affected me would help and I'm trying to assess that now.
 
Hi there,

I'm quite new here myself, but you sound like one of the healthiest people I have heard of trying to transition to poly. You even acknowledge that you probably won't do poly with the person you have in mind currently, you are aware of childhood traumas and the impact this may have on the way you perceive love and you identify conflict avoidance in your marriage. The possibility of your marriage ending because of this also seems to be seriously considered. You seem to have strong insight into your own situation and that of others and i wonder if you would like a link to a collection of life stories of others who have gone from monogamy in a long term relationship to polyamory without losing their original long term relationship in the process.

I wonder if you and your husband may benefit from taking this relationship vulnerabilities quiz separately and then comparing your two answers. The difference between your scores may give you topics you may find useful to discuss. If you don't mind sharing, I'd be interested in the results. Thanks.

Shaya.
 
Thank you, I think I've been using your links to find useful resources when I've found them in other threads.
My husband and I are absolutely willing to take looks into ourselves and our marriage. I love a good quiz and conversation starters.
It's easy to sound healthy and logical, so I guess I should say that I have expressed fears (on here in a different thread) and that for the last month I wake up feeling pretty good and hopeful in the morning and pretty lousy towards the end of the day. I worry that this situation if left feeling unresolved will leave me feeling depressed.
I fight insecurity, thoughts pass through my head that I'm just trying to justify infidelity, that there's definitely something off about me, that I'm needy, damaged by my childhood. I feel weird about how poly and kink are seemingly often found closely related to one another- even though I don't have an issue with kink- I just clearly have some issues to work out there.
I get that most of these thoughts are a result of trying to fit in the box society has provided for me, or born of insecurity, they can all be rationalized away BUT I still feel them.
I still get sad that I won't ultimately be able to carry on a relationship with J. I worry that life will continue to be a series of heartache and this is where my thoughts spiral pretty negatively. Good thing though is that I can real myself back in and not get sucked down.
All that to say that there's a lot of uncomfortable feelings that are coming in with the logical solid minded ones.
 
Like Shaya, I believe your approach to (toward?) nonmonogamy is remarkably grounded.

The human brain is a complicated (& often infuriating) mechanism. You recognize this -- great!! :) It's very true that, presented with a stimulus, the intellectual side will go happily running off with it, even as the "gut" part flees madly 180 degrees away. That leads to people beating up on themselves (or each other), needing to blame rather than just accept the IS.

I've been there many times. My first lover (working on her brown belt in judo) encouraged me to learn to accept the reality, & work with that, a concept I found consonant with my brief exposure to aikido.

Generally, when presented with something truly paradigm changing, I need to simply take some time to (as I think Spork once put it) "have feels" until the moving parts settled down a little. I mean, it's not unlike following an interesting & rewarding life path, only to come around a bend & find that there's a damn BIG tree across the road, impassable. Three choices occur to me: give up; take a LONG time cutting through; blow the damn thing up.

I'm a little obsessive (in a clinical sense), & an ideal candidate to take after it with an axe. But I'm also very aware that life has a finite length; will that focus waste too much time, even though it succeeds?

So, "blow stuff up" it is. :D That might mean scaring the neighbors, & I can't proceed until I wait for stuff to stop falling & then put out the resulting fires. :eek:

Outside the metaphor, I simply need to have some time to just sit with it, with nobody prodding me to get it done for their convenience. After enough pieces settle in, I can move along the road.

And even after it's all (mostly) settled, the little Parent voices will still intrude at the damndest times, trying to guilt me into feeling bad. (Years after I noted this, I found that Gurdjieff taught how to deal with it in the 1920s.)

Anyway, apologies for clogging up your Intro. ;) Your self-awareness will serve you well, if you use it without tripping yourself up. I hope you'll start a thread to occasionally update us on your journey.
 
Ravenscroft I love the idea of letting myself sit with this. I've been so busy trying to understanding it, to be "sure".
Things are going as well as they could be I think.
I've had multiple talks with my husband (D).
I get to flirt and communicate with my interest (J).
I should, however let myself simmer for a time.
I'm on vacation, so this is the best time to do it. I'll simmer by a stream with my life responsibilities lightened.
 
I don't understand why your relationship with your gf doesn't count as polyamory. For all your married life, you've been in a sexual and/or emotional close relationship with 2 people. Why does the gender of your present crush count as poly, and make you question everything, but a sexual/emotional relationship with a woman does not?
 
I don't understand why your relationship with your gf doesn't count as polyamory. For all your married life, you've been in a sexual and/or emotional close relationship with 2 people. Why does the gender of your present crush count as poly, and make you question everything, but a sexual/emotional relationship with a woman does not?

I think it does count. My husband thinks so too.
I think the thing that happened within the last few months is just the way we
l see it. We never called each other gf, we were just living life. I never considered calling me polyamorous, seems silly now b/c that's clearly how I've been living.
Here's what I think, I think society has given us these roles we are allowed to fill without us having to think about them too much. You get your partner, you get your best friend, etc. My other lover is my best friend, she was in that spot when I met my husband and continued to be in that nice tidy spot, so no matter the nature of our relationship we could just call it our best friendship expressed sexually sometimes because sex is an expression of love. You don't have to tell me how ridiculous that sounds. I'm not even sue what my brain was doing to rationalize having both relationships, but neither of them rocked the boat so I never had to take a good look.
Feelings for a guy necessitated that I take a reflective look at my relationships. This would/did rock our boat. It might be arbitrary, but it's what happened.
I have already had conversations with my husband about the possibility of me having a gf. We already had those talks. I had no idea until now that I was in an OPP situation.
 
I'm having an interesting shift in thinking.
I love the sensitivity I have now to hierarchy. I'm noticing how many times we hold one person over the other, ex: Best Friend, One and Only... it doesn't end there. It comes up in casual conversation, more than once just yesterday.
I'm guessing this is part of mono-thinking.
I'm considering people in a way I hadn't before, in a way that feels better. That resonates.
I love learning lessons and sharing them with my kids too. I think this has to do with being the best version of yourself. Not having to be "better" than others, just the best you.
I never considered myself a competitive person, but I can see how ranks make things easier to keep tidy.
I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well, but I'll keep trying :p
I'm enjoying my new lenses, seeing the world differently.
 
I'm in that discovery phase of what I'm going to call my poly path. I figured my first post here should be an introduction.

My specific situation is that I'm in my mid-thirties, bi, and happily married for 7 years to a man, with whom I have three kids under 8 yrs old.

I recently found myself with some serious feelings for another man, that didn't diminish my feelings for my husband. I started reflecting on past relationships as well as my marriage. I wouldn't say that my heart has ever been monogamous. I would say that I beat myself up for those feelings.

I have been monogamous though, in practice. With my husband I haven't had to be, we just haven't ever called it anything. We've always talked about our feelings and worked within them. It had always worked until maybe now. I say maybe, because we're trying to figure out if it will work.

5 of our 7 years our relationship included the knowledge of me being in another emotionally and physically intimate relationship with a woman. About 2 years ago the woman and I ended our sexual relationship, but continue to have an intimate one that's life long...

I have had two conversations with my husband. I'm pretty sure he's mono. I'm pretty sure I'm poly. I'm pretty excited and scared.

I've been reading and listening to podcasts, devouring information. I have at least 2 friends I can talk to in real life that are poly and that helps.

The main thing I think my husband and I have going for us is that we are pretty great at communicating. We've already broached the subject (I got a sitter and took him out for a few beers), and he's at least open to discovering with me, reading, listening, albeit at a slower pace.

I've already read some good advice and look forward to more. The main things I worry are going to work against us are: my feelings for another man are what sparked this self-reflection, I have insecurities, that possibly/probably childhood trauma affects the way I love, and that my husband is a bit of a conflict avoider (to his own detriment).

I keep telling myself that there are bound to be growing pains. That a relationship with the other man is very likely not going to happen, or even should happen right now. Lastly, that no matter what we decide going forward, my husband and I will be better off for knowing more about ourselves and each other. We already feel more bonded.

I think it does count. My husband thinks so too.

I think the thing that happened within the last few months is just the way we/l see it. We never called each other gf, we were just living life. I never considered calling myself polyamorous; which seems silly now b/c that's clearly how I've been living.

Here's what I think: society has given us these roles we are allowed to fill without us having to think about them too much. You get your partner, you get your best friend, etc. My other lover is my best friend. She was in that spot when I met my husband, and continued to be in that nice tidy spot, so no matter the nature of our relationship, we could just call it our best friendship, expressed sexually sometimes, because sex is an expression of love.

You don't have to tell me how ridiculous that sounds. I'm not even sure what my brain was doing to rationalize having both relationships, but neither of them rocked the boat, so I never had to take a good look.

Feelings for a guy necessitated that I take a reflective look at my relationships. This would/did rock our boat. It might be arbitrary, but it's what happened.

I have already had conversations with my husband about the possibility of me having a gf. We already had those talks. I had no idea until now that I was in an OPP situation.

It's funny how we can be so unaware of our own selves and our own feelings sometimes! I think it's because we are so close to the situation, we don't see the forest for the trees. That is why places like this board are good. Strangers can point out things we ourselves are oddly blind to.

I used to count the number of lovers I'd had before I met my (now ex) husband to be. We met when I was 19. I counted I'd had 10 lovers before him. Some were quick one night or 2 month things, some were of longer duration. I'd gotten started at intercourse at 16, so over 3 years I'd had 10 lovers or hookups.

25 years later I suddenly realised I'd had 11 lovers. I'd had a one night threeway with one of my best female friends and her boyfriend. I mean, I was all over her, doing things to her, we weren't just doing things to her bf. And yet, I hadn't counted her as a person I'd had sex with! I guess because she didn't have a penis. LOL. I was so surprised at myself for taking so long to realise this! Sexist of me, even homophobic of me. Even though I was aware I am bisexual, I didn't count what I'd done with my friend as sex.

In your case, it seems your husband accepted your intimate and sexual relationship with your bff as a given. It came with you as a package deal. I am not sure how often you see her or saw her. But you had a bunch of kids quickly, and it seems you kept up the relationship with her well, even despite the huge changes kids bring. Often it's hard to do poly well when babies and young children are so demanding of our time and energy.

But now, you getting feelings for another man is a shakeup in the status quo. Of course, a relationship with someone with a penis is no less threatening to the status quo as starting a new relationship with someone with a vagina would be. But we see often on this board that couples get more fears around a woman partnering with a new man than with a new woman.

You said you've already discussed with your husband, you getting a new gf. Do you miss the sex you used to have with your bff? Why did you stop the sex, if you don't mind me asking?

Going forward, how do you propose to continue to be in a strong relationship with your (conflict-avoidant) husband, continue healthy supportive intimacy with your bff/former lover, parent three very young children effectively, and still take on a new sexual partner, whether male or female?
 
Last edited:
It's funny how we can be so unaware of our own selves and our own feelings sometimes!

You said you've already discussed with your husband, you getting a new gf. Do you miss the sex you used to have with your bff? Why did you stop the sex, if you don't mind me asking?

Going forward, how do you propose to continue to be in a strong relationship with your (conflict-avoidant) husband, continue healthy supportive intimacy with your bff/former lover, parent three very young children effectively, and still take on a new sexual partner, whether male or female?

Yes!

Do I miss the sex I had with my bff? I miss making out the most. Kissing and giggling. We were just getting into what I would call sex and still have a lot more to explore there. I'm still not very experienced when it comes to women. Once I identified "in love" feelings with her we hadn't had the opportunity to fully enjoy the physical pleasures. I kinda explain this is my post "how isn't this polyamory? (long read) I just added the same story to my blog (trying to get streamlines here). We stopped the sex because things came to a head with her husband and my actions were no longer what I would call ethical. I explain that in my post too. It'd be cool if you read it.

Going forward...this is a great question that essentially sums up my current situation. I'm going to try and answer it:

How do you propose to continue to be in a strong relationship with your (conflict-avoidant) husband?: learn about myself, reflect, grow, communicate with my husband, practice patience, figure out how much his default conflict avoiding behavior is affecting this situation, grow together

Continue healthy supportive intimacy with your bff/former lover: I think we're doing pretty good at this part. You'll get a lot of insight from my other post. I actually sent it to her this morning and she said her perception of things didn't differ much. We've been talking about us all morning since then. So, communicate, support, we value our friendship above all other relationship dynamics we have. A sexual relationship became negative for both of us and we didn't want that.

Parent three very young children effectively: Balance my life. My husband and I are already doing well at this. We have family time, we have me time, we have us time. We make it work. We have shared interests and individual ones. The more I learn about myself and relationships the better parent I feel I can be. My off/former lover is a big part of our lives, she's family. Like what I read in these forums. My relationship with her has only ever benefitted my kids and I think she'd say the same about her kids.

and still take on a new sexual partner, whether male or female?: I have NO IDEA. That's what I'm trying to learn here, is this a thing I can even do? I'm taking steps now, reading, learning, investigating about me, about my husband, about how I relate to people. I wasn't actively looking for another partner I was out doing my social thing and bam, there he was and there were all the feels.

Thank you for asking such great questions and helping me figure this out. I've really appreciated this forum. I can imagine how I'd be mucking things up without some guidance.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top