fantasizing about #2 when with #1?

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My husband and I are new to polyamory. I have a question for those more experienced on here. My husband told me last night that he sometimes fantasizes about his secondary when he is having sex with me. Is this normal? I have never done that. I felt terrible about it. Thoughts? Perspective?
 
Why on earth would he tell you that? Seems like words guaranteed to hurt your feelings, and set you up as if you are in competition with his secondary.
 
Well, I asked. Shame on me, I know. But anyway, it's out there. I want to know if this is typical.
 
I sometimes do

I dont recall ever fantasizing about my BF when with my husband or the other way around...but I will admit to fantasizing about someone else other than who I'm with.
I think its kind of normal to do it. but I think your husband should have told you in a gentler manner, because your hurt by it.
I have to ask would it hurt less if it was a movie star or sports personality he was fantasizing about and not the gf?
 
Well, I asked. Shame on me, I know. But anyway, it's out there. I want to know if this is typical.

Did you ask if he was fantasizing or did he tell you he was and then was that when you asked?

This is just one area that is off limits in discussions with bassman. He wants to tell me about how it felt for him when he's with wild orchid because in the past we'd share the intimate details of sex with others but for me, now, that love is involved, I prefer not to hear about it. Kinda twisted I know. I don't feel less than or in competition with my metamour but there just is a difference with emotions are involved for me than just pure lust. I can deal with lust because bassman's lust for me is already a bit overwhelming but at the same time, I get turned on hear about lust filled sex.
 
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I think it's perfectly normal. WI and I have laughed about us both fantasizing about AM when we're together. Not as competition but as complementary emotions. It doesn't change the special moment we're in.

Plus, sometimes you need that head space to get you over the edge. A good fantasy can do wonders...
 
Yes. BTDT.

Sex share is "feel good" time. And it's normal for the mind to wander around in blissful state to other "feel goods" -- memories or experiences. Basically stoned on the happy!

Could consider it a compliment that sex share with you is so awesome that he floats off in his brain to his inner happy place within where all his happies are stored and he wants to roll around in those dandelions. ;) Could consider it a compliment he feels safe sharing his inner thoughts with you openly and honestly -- he's sharing not just physical intimacy with you but emotional intimacy.

When you ask and get an answer, are YOU thinking you are "less than" and that's causing you the upset? :confused:

Not everyone likes hearing about those things. It's ok to not want to hear details. Just don't be asking then. Now you learned something new about your preferences. Lots of things are going to be new for you guys when you are new to polyamory. Could be gentle with selves and each other. It takes time to figure new stuff out.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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I find it interesting how many people do this!

I don't really fantasize that often, and I can't say that I have ever done it during sex - other than the spoken aloud, description of past experiences that hubby likes sometimes while we're having sex.

To me, I think it would feel like I wasn't interesting, pleasurable, or something enough for my partner if a fantasy was NEEDED. If it adds to the experience, I prefer we share it together, and if it isn't something I would enjoy (like hearing about sex with another partner, which I am like ali on and am fine when it's just sex but not interested when there's love involved) then I would prefer to find a way to meet that need where we can be doing it TOGETHER and not separately in our own heads.

Sex with those I care about it rather sacred to me. If a casual fuck wants to think about something that has nothing to do with me, that's great. If someone I truly care for and feel like I am expressing that care through the physical act of sex is thinking about something that has nothing to do with me, then it is taking something I think of a method of re-affirming connection and making into something that means significantly less.
 
If someone I truly care for and feel like I am expressing that care through the physical act of sex is thinking about something that has nothing to do with me, then it is taking something I think of a method of re-affirming connection and making into something that means significantly less.

Different POV, then. :)

To me when I share sex? In the context of a trusting relationship? Arriving to the place where being able to take brain totally off hook in safe arms is part of the pleasure and gift my lover brings me and I bring him.

If he asks me what I am thinking, I will tell him. Sometimes I'm off thinking deep thoughts. Sometimes I'm off thinking about other loves. Sometimes I'm thinking about cookies and silliness. The world shuts out, and it becomes only the Universe of Two in that sex share moment.

When I feel happy, safe, and secure in lover's arms trancing out? Subspace without the rope? It has everything to do with him that I reach that place -- where I am willing to share that openly, honestly, directly. He's helped create that environment for me to do it IN.

So he's awesome. I tell him so. If I could find another one like that I'd be on it like white on rice! LOL. ;)

But everyone is different in their preferences so OP -- whatever is ok for you is ok for YOU. Just update your lover on what those preferences might be.

Galagirl
 
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Well, I asked. Shame on me, I know. But anyway, it's out there. I want to know if this is typical.

No need for shame :) I've noticed in some threads lately, the first comment or two are a little judgmental, but then the train starts to get rolling. As was rationalized to me by a FWB, "I know you think about them, but right now, you are here with me, and that's all that matters." That said, it doesn't have to be 100% okay...hearing about those things can be a bit upsetting, especially if you just let them be. Accepting the moment as it is and accepting that the things that go around in your partner's (/especially the male) mind are going to be fun and fantasy can help you see a lot of beauty in unconventional ideas. To love the man for all he is, weird, wanton thoughts and all, you've truly loved his all.

Not to say this is truth...merely my thought process :) take from it what you wish and will.
 
I only fantasise about other people if the sex is below par. Id feel negatively about a partner fantasising about someone else but not necessarily something else.
 
I don't ask questions with possible anawers that can hurt my feelings. My vee has transparency so if a question is asked, the answer would be truthful. Luckily we've agreed not to compare. I don't want to know if which of us is "better" at anything. If he and I are enjoying it, that is all we need to know. Same for his time with her. We are different women with different needs, desires, talents. ;) I know he enjoys his time with each of us. No comparisons.
I live out of state and therefore get much less time with him. She is the most generous person and has told him to think of me when they're together. I appreciate the gesture but that is THEIR time. If he happens to think of the other when he's with one of us, he wouldn't say and we wouldn't ask.
 
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