Wife has boyfriend

vigda

New member
I am now part of a poly relationship. My wife loves us both. Have not met him yet. I am 16 years older than wife boyfriend is 16 years younger than wife. Sex is good for everyone. I am searching for a relationship to balance out situation. I am happy for my wife. I do not want to start a relationship with someone who is looking for mister right. I want to keep everything as transparent as possible.

I live in NYC and am retired. Any suggestions as to where to look.

I am going to a retreat in the Catskill mountains that seems to have possibilities.
 
Try meeting folks online, through craigslist or Okcupid. Or you could look for the local poly groups, which I am sure are huge in NYC. Not sure about the Catskils though ;) Good luck!
 
Hi there, Vigda! Welcome.

I live in NYC also. There are a couple of poly groups in NYC. They're growing but not huge. The poly events I went to were nice, for the most part, with a wide range of ages in attendance. Here are the groups I know about:

Open Love NY hosts lectures and a monthly cocktail party on the second Monday of each month called... Poly Cocktails! These draw anywhere from 40 to over 100 people. They're usually held at a bar on Avenue B. Next ones are Nov. 14th & Dec. 12th. The lectures always look interesting, though I've not attended one yet due to scheduling, but I have been to the parties, which are about socializing and meeting people. I like the people who run this group, a great and welcoming bunch.

Their website is here (you can sign up to be on their mailing list): http://openloveny.com/index.html

There's also the New York Polyamory Meetup Group. They meet twice a month in Manhattan, on the second Sun. and fourth Thu., and they also have a Westchester branch. I believe their get-togethers are usually "munches" at restaurants where they talk over dinner. I haven't attended any of theirs yet.

Their Meetup page is here: http://www.meetup.com/New-York-Poly-Meetup-Group/.
 
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*proceeds to matchmake vigda and NYCindie* ;) :p
 
Thanks very much for your quick response. I am growing moment by moment and it is scary and exciting.
vigda
 
I am searching for a relationship to balance out situation.

Just a word of advice, be careful about your motivations. No woman wants to get the sense that your reason for wanting to date her has more to do with evening out the situation with your other partner than with who she is and what you have to offer each other.
 
thanks good advice. I believe I am going for an additional love. Someone who can add more to my life and I can do the same for her life.
 
If anyone knows of someone(s) who would like to host a calendar from the NYC area for everyone to dump their poly events into I would love to hear from them... we are having some problems with finding hosts.... check out the link in my signature... poly events all over. Our mission is to link people such as the OP to the area they live in (or frequent) to poly events they may be interested in.... you can see by our area in BC, Canada how it works. It has already shown huge success in achieving our mission. People with google calendars can add our calendars to their own calendars so that they always know what is going on without coming to the site.
 
New to Poly as well

vigda,

I find myself in a similar situation and trying to learn how to navigate our new lifestyle as well. I'll post elsewhere about the beginnings of our foray into poly, but here I will post my similar concern as well. Unlike you (vigda), we live in a smaller college town where it seems like male options for my wife are limitless; but lady options for me are nonexistent. In 6 months of looking for someone for me, I've only met one person whom turned out to be lying to themselves about their comfortableness with poly. So in my marriage, our poly lives are completely unbalanced; my wife has a boyfriend and a girlfriend and I'm left with having to fill my time with other activities while she's engaged with either of them. We do have our separate hobbies which makes that easy, but it doesn't change the total imbalance of our new ploy lifestyle. From all the reading I've done this statement always seems to find itself somewhere - "that's the flow of poly relationships one partner may have an outside relationship while the other doesn't and visa-verse". This statement however doesn't change what I believe to be a natural imbalance to the poly lifestyle; to some degree how I feel about poly can be summarized below:

My wife can walk down the street, go to a coffee shop then dancing that night and wind up with at least 10 phone numbers of guys willing to go out with her. Granted perhaps only one of them would be "actually" okay with her version of poly. However, if I were to do the same thing, my wedding band immediately respells any interest or also I'm accused of "cheating" and/or just lying about my wife actually being okay with poly. To clarify, I'm not looking for sex. However, just like vigda, I'm looking for another relationship.

Since we live in a smaller community, our poly group (which we have become active in) already has their established partnerships for the "men" in the group. While they are always accepting new women, the men that maybe attached to those new women are well - out of luck. Again yet another double standard I keep seeing both in real life and on dating sites (common post - couple seeking woman (unicorn) - NO MEN).

Thoughts? Vigda, have you seen the same thing?

Take Care,
Crazycanis
 
so far the same even in NYC

I have been looking around and it just seems like there are not a lot of opportunities for men. I went on a dating site OKCUPID and found many women who would interest me but I have put out the truth and none so far have shown any interest. I am scheduled to go to a retreat the first weekend in November where I may have more luck. I am hoping to have more luck. I have told my wife my feelings but am willing to give it until the middle of May.

I will keep you informed and let you know what happens.
 
What happens in May if you don't meet anyone you want a relationship with?

The thing to remember is: it's not a race. Just because one spouse has an additional significant other, does not mean that the other spouse has to run out and go find one right away. I've known people who didn't find a girlfriend or boyfriend until two years after their spouse did.

You said in your first post that you want a girlfriend to "balance the situation." Well, how crummy it would feel if someone I met was only interested in seeing me just to "even the score" with his wife. No! I want someone who wants to be with me because he enjoys my company, is totally turned on by being around me, and wants to know me better.

Don't worry about finding a girlfriend just to make sure you have as many toys as your wife does. Go out and socialize, meet people, see who you click with, enjoy getting to know other folks. As far as OKCupid not working yet - man, you only just joined! It could be weeks or months before you get any messages. Be patient.
 
About OKCupid: I feel your OKC pain, my husband has had a difficult time, but I have encouraged him to message many women, understanding that only some will be interested enough to reply. Being upfront about being poly on there is the best thing to do! Kudos! You would hate to lead someone on and waste yours and her time.

Also it has been my experience that many of the OKC girls are pretty defensive about the whole thing. "You can message me if: You don't mention my pictures, you leave the perfect message, if you are completely perfect in every way" Ok, not that bad, but sometimes they can be. I am on there too, but I have had a wonderful time meeting guys, much easier. Just keep in mind that not everyone will be alright with a poly guy. In fact you could do a keyword search for "poly" and see what members pop up, then message them just for conversation (my husband did this and has a few girls who love chatting with him).

NYCindie is right, you are a OKC newbie, give it time! Also, make sure you are putting in an effort to send out many messages. It is like fishing, the more lines you have in the water the better chance you have at catching something (I think).
 
NYCindie is right, you are a OKC newbie, give it time! Also, make sure you are putting in an effort to send out many messages. It is like fishing, the more lines you have in the water the better chance you have at catching something (I think).

This, and also, maybe your profile sucks and you havent answered many questions?
 
wife thanks you

My wife read your post and appreciated it. I am still conflicted but will go forward and try and meet new friends. It is all so new and really hard to get my arms around it.
 
My wife read your post and appreciated it. I am still conflicted but will go forward and try and meet new friends. It is all so new and really hard to get my arms around it.

Sounds like you're headed in the right direction. :)
 
Sounds like you're headed in the right direction. :)

Yep, that is how my husband is too, so YAY for logical acceptance but emotional confusion! I think it takes a while to reprogram that social conditioning. Just make sure you are getting what you want.

Oh and I am assuming you read the mandatory Franklin Veaux? If not, here is a link to something pertinent that I will be talking with my husband about tonight:

http://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html

Have a great Saturday!!:D
 
Thankyou for the link

It was a great read. I am getting more into opening myself to another relationship and actually have my first meeting with someone else scheduled.

What is unexpected is that my wife is not comfortable with my exploring for someone else. She wants to know why I need more than her. I guess I wouldn't if we were both being monogamous. However, I think having another love interest like she has will be exciting and fun.

Have you had the experience of your husband going out and exploring? If yes how did it feel?
 
What is unexpected is that my wife is not comfortable with my exploring for someone else. She wants to know why I need more than her. I guess I wouldn't if we were both being monogamous. However, I think having another love interest like she has will be exciting and fun.

Certainly you can have a situation where one person is poly and the other is mono, but it has to be by the choice and inclination of the mono person. From my observations here, it seems like most people with a poly partner embrace poly themselves to various extents.

Why should you need someone aside from her? That seems like a rather hypocritical thing for her to ask... she's with someone else aside from you, so she *must* understand how you can love one person and still want another. I suppose it bothers her because she wants a specific person whereas you're more generically looking to date.

I and other people have pointed out that feeling like you "need" another partner to "balance" things is probably the wrong way to go. But *wanting* another partner in this situation makes all the sense in the world. After all:

- You're being shown firsthand that loving two people can work and can be beautiful.

- There'll regularly be times when she's away from you with her bf, so you'll likely have more space in your life than you did before and, possibly, less relationship-energy from her in some ways... you can fill that space with other pursuits, of course, but if you have a strong desire for romantic/sexual/partnered time, another partner could give you that.

- If some part of you is continuing to struggle with jealousy or your own worries about why she wanted someone else, having another partner of your own could help show you that there's nothing to be jealous of, and that loving two people doesn't mean you love either less... having that experience and knowledge could make it much easier for you to accept and understand her choice to be poly, and could indeed help you guys stay together in the long-term!

I would flip it around and ask her why she *doesn't* want you to have someone else. What is she afraid of? It sounds like she just needs to do some work of her own on her issues with jealousy and/or possesiveness. She should read some of the essays at www.morethantwo.com.
 
Vigda,
She doesn’t want you finding another partner? That is really an unfortunate request to ask of you and frankly it’s extremely disrespectful and simply unfair. I agree with others, being poly/mono as a choice is one thing, but being told – “you’re not allowed to have another”, well that’s wrong. I believe poly to already be naturally unbalanced having the addition of a NO you can’t find someone as well – that’s way too unfair. Granted none of this makes any difference if you are okay with the situation and or if you are willing to take that imbalance (which it sounds like you are not).
One thing I’ve had to face myself with this journey into Poly is the question; Can I be truly alone and be okay with that? There is no way around this simple truth concerning polyamory. So IMO, this boils down to the follow statements that you must be honest with yourself about:

1.Am I completely okay with my spouse/partner/x-friend – being intimate emotionally and sexually with another person?

2.Am I okay with being completely alone while my spouse/partner/x-friend is out with their secondary.

3.(specific to men but rarely for ladies) Am I prepared to handle not having nearly as many opportunities to find that special extra someone, and/or am I able to spend a significant amount of time pursing other options (this option is not always available especially for men have naturally busy life schedules potentially due to supporting a family or many other reasons).

I could include many other very important questions to ask yourself and your partner, but I won’t as many of these things are available in the resources that many have posted.

Good Luck..
 
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