I am struggling with insecurity and sadness. I can't even really figure out why. Basically I am just super uncomfortable with either of my partners dating anyone but me and so far I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know that I need to deal with this and I have bought a jealousy workbook that I am hoping might help.
To some degree, especially if you're new to poly, I think it's normal to battle with issues of jealousy, insecurity and the mismatch between mono and poly "ideals". I'm not saying this is an ideal attitude or situation, and unfortunately I do not claim to have any revelatory advice for you at this stage. I guess I just want to reassure you that you're not alone in this.
Despite being the hinge in a
closed V, I often feel I am involved in two entirely separate mono relationships; tending to compartmentalise my feelings for each lover in my head/heart rather than viewing this as two parts of one
whole thing - hence the struggle with transitioning to a new poly identity/way of life.
Obviously possessiveness is not the aim of polyamory, yet proprietary feelings often leave me torn between my intellectual understanding of poly ideals -vs- the visceral negative reaction I experience whenever my partners express any degree of attraction towards one another, physically or emotionally. I also recognise that under the circumstances, such a reaction is hypocritical since I myself enjoy the companionship of two partners.
Having recently engaged the services of a therapist who specialises in issues surrounding non-monogamy, I am hoping she can suggest some strategies for combatting the feelings of fear, sadness and general "ickiness" that go along with trying to accept one's lover may have feelings for another... and perhaps point out some new perspective or advantage to the situation I've not considered thus far.
I would urge you to do the same, MsEmotional, if you wish to continue in both relationships AND wish to extend to your lovers the same rights and privileges you now enjoy (i.e. more than one partner).
Regardless of whether you choose the therapy route, or just wish to discuss it amongst your polycule... you will need to TRY and isolate the reason or reasons you are struggling with the idea of your partners dating others. Have each of your partners mull the issue over and compile a list of questions for you, if they can't think on the spot. Are you having more difficulty with the idea that either will form a strong emotional bond with someone else... or is it the thought of them being physically intimate with other women (or men?) that causes more angst? Does the idea of "losing time" bother you most of all? These are the things you need to ask yourself.