Polycule Meeting Agenda?

I am struggling with insecurity and sadness. I can't even really figure out why. Basically I am just super uncomfortable with either of my partners dating anyone but me and so far I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know that I need to deal with this and I have bought a jealousy workbook that I am hoping might help.

I also asked my two partners if the three of us could all talk together this evening. I feel like having a "family meeting" might help. Any ideas of how to start a conversation and what we should talk about? Is this even a good idea?
 
If it's doable.. It's a good idea... They are family

I am struggling with insecurity and sadness. I can't even really figure out why. Basically I am just super uncomfortable with either of my partners dating anyone but me and so far I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know that I need to deal with this and I have bought a jealousy workbook that I am hoping might help.

I also asked my two partners if the three of us could all talk together this evening. I feel like having a "family meeting" might help. Any ideas of how to start a conversation and what we should talk about? Is this even a good idea?

Just talk state of Union kind of thing with no emotions.
Be creative in learning what you want out of this!
 
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Also take it however you like but

If you're not comfy with them dating other people but it's ok for you? Humm yeah.. That's a big issue...
Stop dating your boyfriend! Let him go...
And if need be ... Let your husband go for a bit!
Work on you.... Be Honest and strong with yourself!
Don't hurt them with your stuff....
 
I am struggling with insecurity and sadness. I can't even really figure out why. Basically I am just super uncomfortable with either of my partners dating anyone but me and so far I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know that I need to deal with this and I have bought a jealousy workbook that I am hoping might help.

To some degree, especially if you're new to poly, I think it's normal to battle with issues of jealousy, insecurity and the mismatch between mono and poly "ideals". I'm not saying this is an ideal attitude or situation, and unfortunately I do not claim to have any revelatory advice for you at this stage. I guess I just want to reassure you that you're not alone in this.

Despite being the hinge in a closed V, I often feel I am involved in two entirely separate mono relationships; tending to compartmentalise my feelings for each lover in my head/heart rather than viewing this as two parts of one whole thing - hence the struggle with transitioning to a new poly identity/way of life.

Obviously possessiveness is not the aim of polyamory, yet proprietary feelings often leave me torn between my intellectual understanding of poly ideals -vs- the visceral negative reaction I experience whenever my partners express any degree of attraction towards one another, physically or emotionally. I also recognise that under the circumstances, such a reaction is hypocritical since I myself enjoy the companionship of two partners.

Having recently engaged the services of a therapist who specialises in issues surrounding non-monogamy, I am hoping she can suggest some strategies for combatting the feelings of fear, sadness and general "ickiness" that go along with trying to accept one's lover may have feelings for another... and perhaps point out some new perspective or advantage to the situation I've not considered thus far.

I would urge you to do the same, MsEmotional, if you wish to continue in both relationships AND wish to extend to your lovers the same rights and privileges you now enjoy (i.e. more than one partner).

Regardless of whether you choose the therapy route, or just wish to discuss it amongst your polycule... you will need to TRY and isolate the reason or reasons you are struggling with the idea of your partners dating others. Have each of your partners mull the issue over and compile a list of questions for you, if they can't think on the spot. Are you having more difficulty with the idea that either will form a strong emotional bond with someone else... or is it the thought of them being physically intimate with other women (or men?) that causes more angst? Does the idea of "losing time" bother you most of all? These are the things you need to ask yourself.
 
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Well, is this "family meeting" something THEY want as well, or are you foisting it upon them?

This...

You seem to want to attack polyamory at break neck speed. SLOW DOWN. Stop overthinking everything and take baby steps. All rushing things is going to do is crash just as hard.

It is hypocritical to say to your partners sorry only I get to date others. If either one of my husbands came to me today and said I want to date others I would say ok and just lay out my boundries for myself. For example boundries I have regarding my sexual health & personal space. I have not right to tell them who they can or cannot have in their lives. My hang ups should not be laid in their lap.

Do not push your insecurities and issues upon them. They are for YOU and you alone to work with and deal with. They do not have to do things geared towards you and your comfort level.
 
Well, is this "family meeting" something THEY want as well, or are you foisting it upon them?

I guess I am "foisting" it upon them in that I was the one who suggested it. But both of them seemed to be okay with it, so I guess I have no way of knowing if they are feeling put upon if they don't use their words to tell me....
 
To clarify, I recognize that it is hypocritical of me to expect them to remain monogamous to me, and that it would be inappropriate of me to ask them to do that. I have been trying to figure out what is at the root of my insecurity and discomfort for a few weeks and I think that I am not able to figure that out when I am having separate and isolated conversations with each of them. That is my motivation for wanting to sit down all together -- they both love me and I am going through a really hard time....why not put all our brains together?

(I am legitimately asking -- is there a reason why this is a really bad idea?)

Both of them have said that they would be willing to consider being monogamous to me if that's what it takes to stay with me, but I don't think that is an ethical solution and so I am trying to get us all brainstorming on what kind of set-up would offer more of what everyone needs.
 
Absolutely nothing wrong with asking!! Just be honest and strong..

And yeah....a bit hypocritical! But nothing wrong with asking if they are willing to try just mono.
But... Why ask? Because of your insecurities.. Again.. They can't fix that for you... They could help yes! But don't bind then like that if you know it's not a great b idea
Grow woman.. You will
 
And yeah....a bit hypocritical! But nothing wrong with asking if they are willing to try just mono.
But... Why ask? Because of your insecurities.. Again.. They can't fix that for you... They could help yes! But don't bind then like that if you know it's not a great b idea
Grow woman.. You will

I am not asking them to be mono. That is not what I want.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

One way to approach a family meeting is to have each person attending write down a list beforehand of things they want to talk about. Their thoughts, questions, and concerns. For instance you might write, "Need ideas on how to work through the jealousy." And maybe Glasses and Ponytail have items of their own.

Jealousy can be your friend, it can be like an alarm system. Ask yourself questions like, "When I am jealous, how do I feel? Am I fearful? What scares me the most? What's the worst thing that could happen?" and so on.

Just some quick thoughts, hope it's helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I guess I am "foisting" it upon them in that I was the one who suggested it. But both of them seemed to be okay with it, so I guess I have no way of knowing if they are feeling put upon if they don't use their words to tell me....

We have to take people at their word. It would be fair to presume that they are as interested in a healthy association as you are.

Regarding the meeting, I would not warn you away from it, but I would suggest you make sure you know why you're doing it. A good reason to have a conversation with a loved one about jealousy is to get it out into the open and keep it from being a dark secret. A BAD reason to have this conversation is to expect someone to take action in service to said jealousy.

Communication is great, as long as we're taking responsibility for our own shit.

Ask yourself questions like, "When I am jealous, how do I feel? Am I fearful? What scares me the most? What's the worst thing that could happen?" and so on

Investigating the source of the insecurity is a great approach. The goal would be two fold: 1) figure out if there is a legitimate reason for this insecurity and 2) demystify the feeling and force the "feeling" to exist in an area of "thinking". For me, intellectualizing a feeling like insecurity (jealousy) is a great way to keep it from running away with me.
 
In other threads, I've mentioned how the partner who is most wild to "go poly" is often totally unprepared when their partner chooses to give it a sincere try. People tell me it doesn't actually happen that way.

As for the original question: How do you set an agenda or put it on the calendar when you feel the need to discuss something with just one person?
 
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Thanks everyone. It went well. I prepared in advance by writing down some of my negative thought processes so that I could share those feelings with them. Glasses offered a lot of reassurance. Ponytail less so, but mostly because he was more focused on listening and letting me be present with my feelings. It was a really good experience overall -- saying my fears out loud to them and letting myself be vulnerable with them was important, I think. I think both of them felt more comfortable knowing that the fears I was experiencing were not unique to their own behavior -- it takes some of the pressure off of them to know that it's not their fault that I am experiencing insecurity.
 
Sounds like it went really well, that's good to hear.
 
Good job!
 
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