Redpepper's journey

RP, I think you are using other people's vision of success. I think, under the most liberal interpretations, you and your tribe are a raving success, and anyone who thinks otherwise is not looking at the facts, or perhaps are not as open-minded as they should be for such a community. Hands down, without question, a success, and most people here, I think, would agree. Don't let others define what success is for you and yours.

No matter what seminar you choose to put on, your experience, wisdom, and giving nature are going to be valuable and of interest to others in attendance. I think you should YouTube it.

Take care,
D
 
The poly meeting I went to last night gave me some really good ideas on how to run the workshop. She had a mix of history of the topic, her story, common themes that come up for others and question and answer time. I think this was a really good way of creating my workshop. Something like that, anyway.

The topic was asexuality. I found it very interesting. I wrote about it on another thread that can be easily found by doing a tag search for "asexual," But what interested me most, in reference to myself, was the fact that some people found it threatening. I found that interesting, as I don't at all, and neither does Mono. It made me wonder if it was because she is not available for sex in the poly community.

I wondered how many men in the room were listening and watching this beautiful, intelligent, humorous woman and thinking DAMN! not willing to have sex with me? Ah well, forget it then. If this was so, then how many men look at me this way and pass on me for friendship and more because I am not willing to have sex with them? Not only that, I'm not willing to have the kind of sex that they are interested in. Damn my bonded, connected relationship with sex! :p:D I wonder how much of a threat I am to them and why. Why is any of it threatening?! Really, why is any of it of relevance anyway? Yet it is.

Still musing and processing.

There is really no answer, only movement forward with what you have until such time as its not working any more. That concept seems to settle with time. There isn't the same fearful, painful, achy, frustrating crazy making anguish, that you seem to be going through right now, forever. It comes and goes after a time.

I have become super aware of who comes in my life and how I feel about them where men are concerned. No one matches Mono in my eyes ;) let alone is worth what he offers me. I don't know if that will continue, but for now I have just let it go and agreed to compromise. No rules, no boundaries, just endless compromise. Most days I don't feel it.

.Somehow change occurs when least we expect it. When it is forced it seldom seems to work out to everyone's benefit. The good news is that when you let it go the feeling is of much more happiness and gratitude for what you DO have rather than for what you don't. At least that is what I am experiencing.
I wrote this on a different thread and wanted to transfer it to here. so as to remember it, if I need to. It speaks to where I am at these days, for those who are interested.

Dancing night with Derby tomorrow after we have dinner, and some time for just us. So looking forward to it. I have done hardly anything in the last weeks, as far as socializing and going out is concerned. I took a much-needed break. :)
 
If this was so,,, then how many men look at me this way and pass on me for friendship and more because I am not willing to have sex with them?

Mmm... Their loss! Sad, but that's reality in some cases.

A deep non-sexual friendship is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Something that can stay with you for life and add so much to your life. I have one incredibly special long term non-sexual relationship with someone. He is at my side instantly if I ever need help. We share so much love. If we are in the same room we will be sitting together, often holding hands or resting on each other. There's a certainly physicality..

If men pass on you for friendship simply because there's no chance of sex happening at some point, I'm not sure they have enough value to be friends with anyway. There are plenty of men capable of loving a woman and offering deep friendship and connection without sex entering the equation, aren't there?
 
I wondered how many men in the room were listening and watching this beautiful, intelligent, humorous woman and thinking DAMN! not willing to have sex with me? Ah well, forget it then.

RP, I was wondering if there was specific feedback that resulting in you wondering if that's what they were thinking? It would seem entirely possible than none of them were thinking that, or 20% were, or 5%. There would seem to be danger in assuming people were thinking that, and you could be starting down a path of pondering based on an erroneous assumption. Pondering would still be useful of course.

Some of those men may be deeply offended that someone would assume that about them, or even wonder. You know, they could have that thought for a millisecond and then have moved straight to more well-rounded thoughts. Oh, but now I've started assigning thoughts and motivations to a group of men in a workshop I didn't attend, which was the danger I wanted to point out. Assigning thoughts to people isn't really fair to them.
 
Since I actually know the presenter of the asexuality workshop and spent some time with her this weekend, I can add a bit of insight to your question, RP.

She dates quite a lot, and she is very upfront about her asexual orientation. Apparently there are quite a few men and women out there who don't regard sex as *the* priority in dating, and many of these people are, in fact, poly (she is poly as well as asexual, and she is also bi-romantic).

I spoke to a few men in the group here about her, and all of them thought her presentation was awesome. I didn't get any regretful comments about the fact that she was "unavailable" for sex. But then, we *do* have a pretty exceptional group of poly men in our community. :)

One of the reasons I wanted her to come speak to the group was because poly discussions often centre on sexuality within relationships, and the different levels of need and priority that are placed on sex. I really liked how she stressed that sexual orientation and desire are a spectrum rather than concrete labels, and a fluid identification that can and probably will change over a person's lifetime. I especially liked how comfortable she was with herself. The presentation really brought home, for me, how important respect is in relationships.
 
Since I actually know the presenter of the asexuality workshop and spent some time with her this weekend, I can add a bit of insight to your question, RP.

She dates quite a lot, and she is very upfront about her asexual orientation. Apparently there are quite a few men and women out there who don't regard sex as *the* priority in dating, and many of these people are, in fact, poly (she is poly as well as asexual, and she is also bi-romantic).

I spoke to a few men in the group here about her, and all of them thought her presentation was awesome. I didn't get any regretful comments about the fact that she was "unavailable" for sex. But then, we *do* have a pretty exceptional group of poly men in our community. :)

One of the reasons I wanted her to come speak to the group was because poly discussions often centre on sexuality within relationships, and the different levels of need and priority that are placed on sex. I really liked how she stressed that sexual orientation and desire are a spectrum rather than concrete labels, and a fluid identification that can and probably will change over a person's lifetime. I especially liked how comfortable she was with herself. The presentation really brought home, for me, how important respect is in relationships.

Awesome ! :)
 
RP - I was wondering if there was specific feedback that resulting in you wondering if that's what they were thinking?
There was a man there that said he felt threatened and didn't know why. There was an energy in the room before she told her story, of people wondering if she were asexual. I picked up on it as a disappointment or threat or confusion. Whether I was right about it, I will never know, and I realize that. She said usually people want to know her story. I wondered if the two were related and why that might be.

It would seem entirely possible than none of them were thinking that, or 20% were or 5%..
There would seem a danger in assuming people were thinking that....and you could be starting down a path of pondering based on an erroneous assumption. Pondering would still be useful of course.

Some of those men may be deeply offended that someone would assume that about them, or even wonder..

You know, they could have that thought for a millisecond and then have moved straight to more rounded thoughts..

Oh...but now I've started assigning thoughts and motivations to a group of men in a workshop I didn't attend...which was the danger I wanted to point out. Assigning thoughts to people isn't really fair to them...
Yes, there is a danger in assuming. It seems to me that there is an assumption made about my motivation here and in Gemini's post. I don't have any questions that needed answering. I was not looking for answers from people who were there. Thanks, anyway. And with that, I think I will take this topic elsewhere for now. Thanks for the posts. :)
 
Mono booked his flight home to visit his parents yesterday. I had to remind him that I am not as happy as he is, and that I love that he is excited and thinking about it, but asked that he go easy on showing it. Kind of like he started a new relationship! :D:p I will miss him.:( I hate people I love being away from me, even for a week.

In the middle of that week I have a women's retreat to go to that a friend and I organized. I'm looking forward to it. It will mark the last event I host for our community (not necessarily forever, but maybe).

I'm just not feeling it lately. I have reached out and have found my loves and made some big advances in my life, and learned some amazing things about some amazing people. But I think I am fading out. I have made some great friends out of this journey and continue to make plans to see them regularly. It's so wonderful what comes out of things in the most unusual places.

Soooo, what next? I'm not sure, but I feel a new path coming and a door closing on a chapter.

I have a date with Leo tomorrow night. I feel very ready for it. He will be asking me some hard questions, I'm sure. I am ready to tell him my thoughts and answers in a truthful and respectful way. Another door closing, perhaps? I don't know.

It feels like spring today. Some spring cleaning seems like a good idea. Who knows what is under those cob webs in my head? I'm open to it all.

I call back into myself
anything that I have inadvertently
or willingly given away,
Anything that I have had taken from me
at any time and in any place.
I call back into myself now,
that I might be whole,
fully restored,
fully harmonised,
fully empowered.
 
Go have fun and stop fussing about! I'm going to smack both of your asses if you don't lighten up ;)
 
How'd it go, RP?
 
So, the night went really well. 5 hours at a pub, talking and talking. The place was empty when we got there, a band set up, the place filled, people danced and listened to music, had two breaks, more dancing and music and we kept talking. Completely unaware of what was going on. Music ended, band packed up, drunk people all around dispersing, arguing, flirting.

We talked about his work. He is about to lose his job of almost 20 years. He is 35? Going through some mid-life stuff, for sure. He is a man of routine, due to mental health issues and this is huge for him. Since our night there has been significant change and stress. I can see my role will be that of person to vent to and get a boost from. Much emailing is going on.

I told him all the details of what happened last time we met and he gave me feedback about appreciating not knowing what was going on until I could give him some positive stuff to go on. He is not in a place to support me emotionally with our situation, so was glad I waited and found solace with other loves and friends.

We laughed and talked about family, pets, friends, caught up on gossip and stories. We are like an old couple, completely natural, no worry about things like food flying out of our mouths, which happened once when I laughed. I wasn't embarrassed, like I might be with other people, just laughed more. :p

It seems that he is good with where we are, at the moment. He really isn't able to be in my life in any more capacity than he is already, due to his circumstances. So we are just leaving it and enjoying each other's company when we see each other. As he said, we have years and years. Our "whatever it is that will not be named" is not going away, just becoming more of... whatever.

In the meantime, I am more in love with Mono by the moment. Committing myself to our lives together has brought about a sense of wellbeing and comfort. I feel myself feeling more confident and more belonging than I have before, to my whole family.

We are all good right now. All of us. Everyone is getting their needs met, it seems, unless someone isn't talking about it.

PN's birthday tonight. Wheeeee... all my loves but one under one roof, not to mention a lot of his friends. He chooses amazing people to be in his life, talented, interesting, diverse and all very different from one another. I love when he decides to have a party.

Off to make tons of food and a cake, at some point.
 
I'm so glad it was a good night for you. I know that you were worried about it. See you in a couple of hours.
 
I miss you, baby. I haven't even been gone a day. LOL I'm used to going away for six months without batting an eye. I've grown soft. :eek:

Love you, Lilo. :)
 
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