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Old 06-22-2018, 03:05 AM
Legend Legend is offline
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Default Newly finding myself in a poly relationship

Hello. New here obviously.

Here because I seem to have found myself in a poly-amorous relationship that I was never expecting. It's not something I've really thought about or desired in the past. And still not sure how to feel about it or how to even act. I've always been a completely monogamous person in the past.

I've recently reconnected with an old friend and we even work together now. Everything is well. One day at work, he tells me about how his girlfriend and he were talking about opening up their relationship.

Of course, he wanted a second woman. But she wasn't quite comfortable with that yet. So, they agreed to bring in another male first, and apparently, she has a bit of a crush on me and they invited me in.

I was pretty shocked and apprehensive about the whole thing. Just joking and playing it off. Until one night after a few drinks, it happened.

At first, it just seemed like a one time thing and purely sexual. But it would seem that over a bit of time, it is growing more into her having two boyfriends. He is totally cool with it too.

I'm still pretty on the fence about the whole thing, but am trying it out and have grown to realize that I'm starting to get some feelings for her as well. Even talking about maybe going out on a few dates.

I also have a couple health issues that they know about, but still makes me a bit uneasy and scared.

I suppose I'm just looking for some general guidance and advice.

Last edited by Legend; 06-22-2018 at 02:45 PM. Reason: Wanted to add one more detail.
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Old 06-22-2018, 05:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Legend View Post
Hello.
Hi Legend, welcome!

Quote:

Here because I seem to have found myself in a poly-amorous relationship that I was never expecting. It's not something I've really thought about or desired in the past. And still not sure how to feel about it or how to even act. I've always been a completely monogamous person in the past.

I've recently reconnected with an old friend and we even work together now. Everything is well. One day at work, he tells me about how his girlfriend and he were talking about opening up their relationship.

Of course, he wanted a second woman.
No "of course" about it. Your friend might've been gay or bi! Or his gf might've been bi or the one to want to open to date, instead of him. Etc.

But anyway!

Quote:
But she wasn't quite comfortable with that yet. So, they agreed to bring in another male first, and apparently, she has a bit of a crush on me and they invited me in.
So they wanted group sex, a threesome. This is not always or even usually the case in polyamory. Quite often, if a couple Opens Up, they each date others separately. This is actually much easier than trying to share. If it starts out as just sex, a threesome can be ok for a while. But once feelings start to grow, as they often or usually do, you have a complicated scenario. 3 couples, you and her, you and him, him and her, as well as the triad. It takes a lot of communication, patience, generosity and finesse to make it work.

Quote:
I was pretty shocked and apprehensive about the whole thing. Just joking and playing it off. Until one night after a few drinks, it happened.

At first, it just seemed like a one time thing and purely sexual. But it would seem that over a bit of time, it is growing more into her having two boyfriends. He is totally cool with it too.

I'm still pretty on the fence about the whole thing, but am trying it out and have grown to realize that I'm starting to get some feelings for her as well. Even talking about maybe going out on a few dates.

I also have a couple health issues that they know about, but still makes me a bit uneasy and scared.

I suppose I'm just looking for some general guidance and advice.
How do your health issues impact this growing relationship?

Are both men straight and just enjoying the threeway sex along with your buddy relationship?

Will you go out on dates one on one with the woman? Or group dates the three of you?

What scares you most about all this?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)
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  #3  
Old 06-22-2018, 08:50 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Legend,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

So far, your newly-poly situation seems to be going well, it's just that you're feeling scared and uncertain. Not that things can't go wrong, your uncertainty is understandable. I think that for now you should just tiptoe forward, slowly and a little at a time. Going out on a few dates with her seems like a good place to start.

Keep posting here as your situation evolves. This way we can give you updated thoughts/advice. I want to wish you well, and say that I'm glad you're now a fellow member here. Good luck and welcome to poly!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 06-23-2018, 05:04 AM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Hi Legend - and welcome to the Forum! We will look forward to seeing how your story unfolds. We have a lot of experienced poly folks here who are generally helpful and friendly so don't hesitate to post specific questions in the General Poly Discussions Forum or Poly Relationships Corner. Many of us were surprised when our spouses unexpectedly asked us to transition to poly (or "poly-bombed" - my story is my sig link below). You are not alone.

Magdlyn offered you good advice on threesomes, imo. The common public perception of poly seems to be that of the married couple adding a "third" - usually a woman (aka the unicorn or hbb/hot bi babe), but in reality this proves to be a difficult model to maintain for a number of reasons. Although the consensus does seem to be that MFM threesomes are easier to maintain than FMF threesomes on an ongoing relationship basis (not merely a sexual threesome - which, while present, is not the poly norm by any means) - but more often a V rather than a triad - that is, the men are not sexually involved with each other.

Most experienced poly folks that are married tend to date separately - at least that seems to be the consensus based on the posting in this forum, which is arguably the highest quality poly forum on the Net.

Best of luck on your journey! Al
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Last edited by Al99; 06-23-2018 at 01:14 PM.
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Old 06-25-2018, 04:06 AM
Legend Legend is offline
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Thanks for the warm welcome and kind words.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hi Legend, welcome!

No "of course" about it. Your friend might've been gay or bi! Or his gf might've been bi or the one to want to open to date, instead of him. Etc.
I meant no offense. Sorry if I did.

To answer some of your questions Magdlyn,
All three of us are straight and it started as purely group sex. I felt extremely awkward that first night since the whole thing was new to me. Them too.

Things have since evolved in a different way. All three of us spend time together. We often watch movies with her laid in the middle and enjoying being spread out over both of us. We all eat dinner together and spend time by the fire. I spend a lot of time over at their place and some nights she spends with just me.

I haven't actually taken her out yet, but I do spend time with just her while he is at work sometimes. And he knows. I really enjoy my time with her and he enjoys her and I being happy.

I think most of my concern stems from my own insecurities and history as far as I tend to get attached. I've never been a jealous person and there is none involved in this situation. It's also been a while since I've been in a relationship personally.

The only thing I'm a little uncomfortable with, yet I fully understand is that she tends to tell him everything. From what happens during our sexual encounters to things I tell her about my childhood, or just what books I like. Not that I want to keep any secrets, it just makes me feel a bit awkward hearing some of those things brought up by him during breakfast for instance.

I also just worry about what is acceptable on my part. I'm the type of cheesy guy who enjoys giving gifts or small things like bringing ice cream or flowers, yet, it just doesn't seem right to me here. Or even if it's ok to simply call her and let her know when I miss her. I guess I'm afraid of falling in love with my best friends girlfriend.

Communication is very open and everything is out in the open other than some of my own insecurities. He and I talk constantly and also hang out still without her. I'm also concerned sometimes about taking away any of his time with her. We both connect with her but on different levels in different ways. We each give her things that the other can't. But the idea of things not working out is definitely scary since I would lose the two best people I currently have in my life.

As far as my health, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis a couple years ago. Luckily, so far, it has not created any major damage. But it looms over me constantly about what could happen eventually. And now how any such future issues may affect our current relationship. Or with anyone for that matter.

Sorry about the somewhat disjointed ramble and thanks again.

Last edited by Legend; 06-25-2018 at 04:26 AM.
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Old 06-26-2018, 12:21 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Sorry about your diagnosis.

It seems like you are being conscientious and doing the right things. Don't be afraid to call her or bring her gifts. Sometimes you just have to take a chance on love.
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Old 06-26-2018, 02:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Legend View Post
Thanks for the warm welcome and kind words.
I meant no offense. Sorry if I did.
No offense taken. It just seemed strange you mentioned "of course he wanted another woman," as if that is the norm for opening a relationship. It is odd tho that he does want another woman but instead they approached another male. Ie: you.

In fact, it is worlds easier for poly women to get a new male partner than it is for a poly male to get a new female partner. Is he going to try to get himself a gf or FWB soon? There's a chance that might set you mind at ease around an issue you seem to have about "moving in on another man's territory."

Quote:
To answer some of your questions Magdlyn,
All three of us are straight and it started as purely group sex. I felt extremely awkward that first night since the whole thing was new to me. Them too.
In MFM threeway sex, where both males are straight, the lure would seem to be voyeurism. Maybe a bit of pleasurable cuckoldry. I can see why it would feel very awkward to you to "share" a woman with her husband if you're not much into voyeurism.

Quote:
Things have since evolved in a different way. All three of us spend time together. We often watch movies with her laid in the middle and enjoying being spread out over both of us. We all eat dinner together and spend time by the fire. I spend a lot of time over at their place and some nights she spends with just me.
That sounds nice and cozy!

Quote:
I haven't actually taken her out yet, but I do spend time with just her while he is at work sometimes. And he knows. I really enjoy my time with her and he enjoys us being happy.

I think most of my concern stems from my own insecurities and history as far as I tend to get attached.
Well, that's only natural! Having sex with someone and spending pleasant non-sexual time is going to make most people start to feel fond of the other! You're not merely a "sex machine," you're a human, a social being. If you want to get biological about it you could google the hormones released during sex, cuddling and sharing meals that lead to bonding and relaxation and stress relief and a desire to repeat the experience.

IMO, people who do NOT get attached from sex and hanging out are the weird aberrant ones. Plus, the guy is your best friend. You're already attached to him as friends. If he loves his wife, and you love him, it's not weird to feel fond of his wife as well, since you and she probably share qualities your friend finds attractive in both of you. And vice versa.

Quote:
I've never been a jealous person and there is none involved in this situation.
Lucky! That's one big hurdle most people need to get over.

Quote:
It's also been a while since I've been in a relationship personally.

The only thing I'm a little uncomfortable with, yet I fully understand is that she tends to tell him everything. From what happens during our sexual encounters to things I tell her about my childhood, or just what books I like. Not that I want to keep any secrets, it just makes me feel a bit awkward hearing some of those things brought up by him during breakfast for instance.
This is actually a quite common problem in polyamory. How much intimate detail, either sexual or otherwise, does the hinge of a V share with the arms of the V? This needs to be discussed clearly and negotiated. You have every right to ask her to not share certain things, either about your sex life with her or with others prior, or intimate details of your past, or tastes, or whatever it is you'd rather keep between you and her! You just need to ask. Does she share things about her husband that you'd rather not hear, as well?

Doing poly well requires clarity of communication... On the other hand, as you get used to this new dynamic, you might feel more relaxed about sharing of information by way of your hinge. That is totally up to you and where your comfort zone lies. I think most experienced polys do draw a line somewhere about what to share and what not to share. Newbies might go so far as to read emails from other loves, our of jealousy and distrust, which I find icky. There are things about my male partners I don't tell my gf. One wore dentures, and I never told her lol.

You might read this article online on the More Than Two website called the Secondary's Bill of Rights for more on that whole area. Great article.

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

Quote:
I also just worry about what is acceptable on my part. I'm the type of cheesy guy who enjoys giving gifts or small things like bringing ice cream or flowers, yet, it just doesn't seem right to me here.
It's perfectly all right!!! As a guest it's even polite to bring a bottle of wine or some other beverage, or some food when you come to visit. I love to get gifts and so does my (female) anchor partner. We gift each other, and we exult to each other when our respective bfs give us gifts. Her bf once bought her a fit bit. Recently he got her an ankle bracelet. Other bfs have taken her to rather expensive kink fests. My various partners have made me things in their wood shops, or given me flowers, or treated me to a social event, such as a dance event, a concert, out on a boat, a nice meal, etc. If your bff guy got slightly upset over you giving your gf a gift now and then, that's his problem to overcome, I believe.

Quote:
...Or even if it's ok to simply call her and let her know when I miss her. I guess I'm afraid of falling in love with my best friends girlfriend.
Perfectly understandable, coming from mono culture. I'm glad you came here to get help figuring it all out! It's a strange new world for most of us, and we've all been there.

Quote:
Communication is very open and everything is out in the open other than some of my own insecurities.

And here's where you need to make changes. I understand you don't want to hurt your friend or lose his friendship. That is a real fear, starting a sexual relationship with a friend, or even a colleague. What if things go wrong and we break up?

But you have rights too, as you'll see if you read that article I linked above.

Quote:
He and I talk constantly and also hang out still without her. I'm also concerned sometimes about taking away any of his time with her.
Well, of course you are taking away some time, and attention. And if he gets a gf, she will take time away from his wife. This is just what happens in poly. The thing to consider is, maybe taking some time away from each other is actually healthy for the anchor relationship. Personally, I enjoy my me-time when my live in partner goes to her bf's place for an overnight on the weekend, or more recently, for a few hours in the evening mid week as well. I get things done for myself, grooming, shopping for personal items. I watch a movie she may not be interested in. I read, I see other friends. Clean house without her underfoot. Go to the gym. Etc. Sometimes if I'm lucky, I have a romantic partner who is free to hang out while she's away.

Quote:
We both connect with her but on different levels in different ways. We each give her things that the other can't.
That's the beauty of poly. Even if both partners are the same gender, they offer different things to the hinge of the V.

Quote:
But the idea of things not working out is definitely scary since I would lose the two best people I currently have in my life.
This is a concern and you should bring it up with them asap!! You could tell them of your fear, and that you hope even if the romantic sexual connection fades, you'll still retain platonic friendship.


Quote:
As far as my health, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis a couple years ago. Luckily, so far, it has not created any major damage. But it looms over me constantly about what could happen eventually. And now how any such future issues may affect our current relationship. Or with anyone for that matter.
I'm sorry to hear that! I hope you maintain good health for a long time to come. But frankly? As we get older, we ALL have health issues. I have had a bad back for 20 years. I had a bout with cancer in 2016-17 (I'm cancer free but still in recovery from the damn chemo). My anchor partner has handicaps in her arms, as well as anxiety disorder and ADHD. She's even on disability SS. Does that make her less lovable? No.

We can all fear being "less fun" with our partners than we'd like to be, and more of a burden. But having dated many people, and being married prior to going poly for 30 years, I can assert no one is Superman or a Wonder Woman. We all have health issues, physical or mental, that can impact our romantic relationships. If your partner(s) are decent people, they will make allowances. It's just part of being human, and no reason to avoid relationships altogether! It can actually be enjoyable in a way to care for those we love. It's what humans are drawn to do.

Quote:
Sorry about the somewhat disjointed ramble and thanks again.
Not disjointed at all. I hope it feels good to share and vent! Keep hanging around!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)

Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-26-2018 at 02:07 PM.
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Old 07-03-2018, 06:48 AM
Legend Legend is offline
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Thanks for all the positive feedback guys.

Things are still going pretty well. I'm about to move out of my current house tomorrow. May not have internet for a little bit.

Things are well, but still a bit awkward. I'm going to spend the 4th with them. One thing that is rough is that we know several of the same people, so it makes more social events a bit rough since everything is not out in the open yet. I kinda have to be a shadow, which is tough. But so far I am ok with it.

I think probably the biggest thing that bugs me is sex. Not actually participating, but the notion that it has to be planned out. I understand they they have been in a relationship for quite a long time, so at the moment, it's still only "allowed" at their place, but only when he is there under the same roof.

I completely get it. But at the same time, feelings are getting stronger. And it has been established that it is cool if she spends time at my place, but with no sex involved.

I'm definitely not in it for only sex, but the idea that if the moment strikes, and he's not there under the same roof, makes me a bit, probably not the right word but, "offended". Basically, we cannot act on desires if he is not there. I believe I'm starting to fall in love with her witch makes it the much harder.

That's another big one. I would want to tell her first, but seems like I should let him know first. Either way, I would like to tell them each myself rather than one hearing it from the other.

I've always been a spontaneous and romantic sort of fellow. So that kind of limitation is a bit rough to swallow. For now, I get it and I respect it. Unfortunately, I believe that I have the most to lose if things go south. But, as mentioned before, I am starting to get attached even though I have been trying to avoid it to a degree.

I did get her a gift by the way and have been talking to her by phone a bit, and it seems to be going fairly well. The only thing is that little bit of she seems to be still telling him when I even tell her that I am thinking of her. Then I hear about it from him. It's just a bit much for me thinking that it seems like we can't have any private moments.

Again, I'm not used to this type of situation. I'm trying really hard not to take any time from him or to be around too much, but at the same time I feel like I'm denying myself to a degree. I don't want to put more pressure on her either cause, I feel like she has the toughest position trying to split herself among two men.

I'm also trying not to talk to her too much. SO I don't offend him or wear out my welcome with her. Even though I want to speak to her daily, I intentionally keep it back to every couple of days. It feels like the right thing to do. But is also kinda tough personally.

They seem to have an agreement that he will eventually see about having a second girlfriend. Personally, I have no such intention for myself. As far as I'm concerned, I'm happy to just share her. Frankly, I don't think I could handle having two girlfriends at the same time.

Thanks for the article Magdlyn. It was quite helpful and did put somethings in better perspective. Even though I'm sure I come off as confused as all hell.

Anywho, sorry again for the ramble and thanks for listening and all the support.
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Old 07-03-2018, 04:22 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Many people who decide they're going to "open up" step into it holding a grossly oversimplified notion of "polyamory." I'm getting the impression that describes your putative partners.

Though some here will disagree with me, I've always kept in mind that if you're not communicating, it's not poly. It might be open marriage, it might even be nonmonogamy, but polyamory has standards, none of which can be established (much less maintained) unless everyone involved is as honest, forthright, self-aware, empathetic, & reasonable as they can possibly be.

You've told us many things, which lead me to believe you're quite introspective, you don't bullshit (yourself or others), & you tend to care deeply about the well-being of the people closest to you.

For polyamory to take root, everything that you have written here would already be a topic of discussion between the three of you, & you'd all be seeking some way in which it could work out to everyone's satisfaction.

But that's clearly not the case, correct?

Instead, you (correctly) see a wall approaching, & are getting the distinct impression that you're the only one who doesn't like that. Namely, you are allowed to have sex -- period. And you are only allowed to have sex under certain specific conditions, which he alone defines.

(Can you even go out on a casual date with her, like having lunch at the mall then strolling from shop to shop? or is that not allowed because "someone might see you!" or "people would talk!"?)

She likely overshares info about you with him because their concept of "poly" includes a skewed notion of "communication" that invoves her blabbing EVERY last little detail to her primary ("real," "serious") partner, because he (maybe her too) is clinging like a limpet to Monogamist insecurity. He is "helicoptering" because this makes him fel that HE ALONE is actually in charge of the situation.

"Common sense is what tells you the Earth is flat." A false bit of common wisdom is that "guys are only in it for the hoochie." So long as we get laid, everything else is discardable: we ain't into that mushy Romance stuff, we cuddle only grudgingly (or when we're looking to get laid), the thought of sitting around chatting with chicks is like a silver fork on a blackboard when we could be hanging out with the guys & watching The Big Game. (Conversely, women only "put out" in order to rope in someone to make babies, provide emotional & economic security, take out the trash, mow the lawn, & change lightbulbs. They actually dislike sex, unless it's serving another purpose.)

(Some few of us happen to disagree.)

You were brought in as an amiable sex toy. For you, that was okay at first, but you are changing.

I'll mind-read you: given the boundaries & control, you are getting the impression that if you too-clearly express your developing feelings of love for her -- perfectly predictable given the propinquity effect -- then you will be immediately given the heave-ho, & lose both friendships completely. Correct?

Right this moment, you are -- as BDSM fans would say -- being dommed. You have taken the role of Good Doggie, who does what he is told, stays out of the way, & does tricks as commanded. To hold your attention, you get the occasional sexy treat.

You, however, are a human, an individual, & maturing. Maybe that last was so before your health problems, but life crises have a way of causing people to grow emotionally, & to become more aware of the world around them, maybe more appreciative as well.

Your choices here are few.
  • You can continue to play the game, to essentially be dommed, in hope that they too will eventually follow your lead & begin their own growth, & you're willing to wait (years? decades?) for this to maybe happen spontaneously.
  • You can take the initiative, have a calm pleasant sit-down with the two of them, describe the game as I have, & say that you are beginning to find it chafing at the corners. You three then as a team begin learning how to examine your situation, & how to set a direction for the near future that all three find appealing. (Once you reach that level, you can set aside discussion of years-away plans until later.)
  • You "drop the bomb" -- or rather, intentionally step on the landmine in your campsite, because you KNOW it's going to happen soon enough anyway. You admit to yourself that the vee is in a rut, & will probably soon be entirely stuck, & that your companions seem to want it that way. So you put your arm around his shoulders & say
    Quote:
    dude, I love you, you are more than a brother to me, I am thankful every minute of every day that you are in my life. AND I am falling in love with her, & I hope to be just as good for her as you are, & together we can have an incredible life
    Maybe the landmine fizzles out, & it turns out everyone's grateful the issues are on the table & the air has ben cleared. Or maybe there's that big explosion, which would only have been more awful months or years down the line. In either instance, the charade is over & everyone can move along, possibly even learning something from it.

Last edited by Ravenscroft; 07-03-2018 at 06:23 PM.
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Old 07-03-2018, 06:08 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Legend,

I am thinking that it is time for you to sit down with both of them, explain that some things are rubbing you the wrong way, and ask for their help in resolving those issues. I am thinking there are three issues to discuss with them:
  • You would like the freedom to have sex with her both at your place, and without him being under the same roof.
  • You would like more privacy with her; specifically, you would like her to not share everything with him about you.
  • You would like to be in touch with her more often, such as calling her once a day instead of once every other day.
You're probably worried about the consequences of such a conversation, namely the risk that they (or one of them) might get angry or offended, and cancel the three-person relationship. Just realize that by not talking with them, you run the risk that the problems might fester. You might grow increasingly uncomfortable which will affect how you relate to each of them. Those three issues might become a source of resentment for you, and they might detect your resentment and resent you in turn.

If you decide to put the conversation on hold, just don't let it wait too long. Such is my advice at this time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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