the story of a secondary

Gia and Eric worked things out! Yay! I hope that this pattern they've fallen into is reaching an end, it seems like it could so easily be avoided. :/

In other news! I woke up with a really scratchy throat and suggested that we postpone our date because Gia can't really afford to get sick right now. Boooooooo. It'll probably be a couple of weeks before we can reschedule too, since we're both so busy right now. SO ANNOYING. Ah, well, there's at least one silver lining in that I know she found the delay very frustrating too, and I like to think of her missing me and wanting me. Mm, yes. A little delayed gratification can have its charms.
 
Date is rescheduled for the end of the month. And we're going to do it on a weekend instead of an evening, so we'll actually have more time. Feeling good about things, pretty centered. It's going to be a long, fun, highly social weekend, assuming this dang cold doesn't put me out of commission.
 
On Sunday, a bunch of our friends, including Gia, Eric, and myself, went back to the 24-hour spa that we'd first visited back in July. They left Bee with one of his sets of grandparents this time. We arrived very early, when it was nearly deserted. The place is split into sex-segregated pools and co-ed saunas. The pool areas are nudity-mandatory. Gia and I found a corner of one of the large hot tubs where we could relax, just the two of us, feeling almost alone. Naked, warm, wet, thighs touching, jets of bubbles tickling our skin, talking softly.

*sigh* Good memory.

The whole day was very good, very relaxed (duh, spa). Better than the last time we went. Near the end of the day, Gia flounced over to where I was chilling on a mat on the floor in the co-ed area, sat down in front of me, and said "I want a foot rub!" Obviously, I obliged. It was delightful. :)

Tuesday was my night with Bee. If you've never had a toddler dance in delight at seeing you, I highly recommend the experience. I took him to the library, like I normally do, but then instead of going to the diner afterwards as I've been doing, I took him to my parents' house. Better food, plus they were very happy to see us both. My mom is falling a bit in love with Bee, I think, it's cute. He was very good all night, except for one incident where he threw a toy truck at my face. He was shocked when I yelled "NO" (it didn't really hurt, but I wanted to make sure he knew it wasn't ok). He picked the truck back up and handed it to me, as if to make up for his mistaken method of transferring it previously.
 
Gia shared her online calender with me a long while back, so all of her appointments show up on mine. I don't use the calender much, but I happened to notice a few days ago that she had a note reading "Dexter" on this coming Saturday. My guess, of course, was that she'd finally managed to schedule a date with him... seems reasonable, considering how desperately she's wanted to make that happen. Assuming that I'm right about the meaning of the note (and who knows, I might not be), this will be the first time, that I know of, that they get together intentionally, in a scheduled way, for sex.

Working under the presumption of what the note meant, I was a little disappointed that she hadn't chosen to tell me, but I was also at peace with the whole thing, with the idea that telling me when she sees him wasn't something we'd ever agreed upon and in no way needed to be. After my bad reaction to the last time she'd tried to schedule time with him, I could certainly understand her reluctance, anyway.

The one thing that nagged at me, a little, was that I hadn't yet told her of my change of heart about her time with Dex. I thought that she'd like to hear it, and I worried that she might feel guilty about seeing him, or like she needed to keep the fact of the date from me to spare my feelings. In theory, she should know that I can see her calendar, but, knowing her, I would honestly be surprised if she remembered that fact. On the other hand, maybe she knows that I can see it, and leaving it there was sort of a compromise between telling me and not telling me.

.........definitely over-thinking this. :p

Anyway! She and I have both been more busy than usual at work lately, so we haven't been chatting much during the day, which is how we usually communicate things large and small throughout the week. Tonight I got concerned that we might not actually get a chance to talk before Saturday. I didn't want any worries about me to weigh on her needlessly during her date, if there is indeed a date. So I called her. We don't talk on the phone much, she's not a big fan of that mode of conversation.

It wasn't that late in the evening, but she was already in bed. Eric answered the phone, and passed it over to her. She was in the midst of trying to nurse Bee. I was a little embarrassed at having interrupted their evening, but she seemed happy enough to talk. Apparently Bee wasn't paying much attention to the task of nursing, anyway. I said "Hi Bee!" and she passed the phone to him. He could see my picture on the screen of her smartphone and he said my name. I talked back to him, laughing, as he said my name over and over and burbled and babbled. So, so adorable. :)

Gia left the room so she could talk to me. I protested that she didn't need to do that, but she'd already gone out. I could hear Bee calling my name after her, and felt embarrassed again at the interruption I'd caused. Her voice was gentle, I got the sense that she didn't know whether she was going to be hearing something good or bad. I so appreciated her making the space to hear me, even as I felt a little silly at not having anything "important" to say.

In broad strokes, I outlined the sort of back-and-forth conversation I'd had with myself during the period when I moved from feeling the fear-based need to keep track of her time with Dexter, to the acceptance and calm that came once I decided to let all that go. I mentioned that I still might be sensitive on the topic, but that I just felt so much better now, and that I'd thought she'd like to know.

When I'd finished, her voice took on such a lovely, pleased tone in response. I can hardly remember what she said, aside from the fact that it was positive, I just remember her tone. It's so, so good to hear her happy, it makes my heart glad. We talked just a little bit more, she said that she was looking forward to our date next Saturday. I told her that I planned to do some reading up on massage techniques. ;) We exchanged I love you's, and then went back to our separate lives. We'll see each other next this Sunday, for a tabletop roleplaying game.
 
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When I'd finished, her voice took on such a lovely, pleased tone in response. I can hardly remember what she said, aside from the fact that it was positive, I just remember her tone. It's so, so good to hear her happy, it makes my heart glad.

This is wonderful, I think it might be the definition of karma. <3
 
So, here I am at the rave show. This club is really big, three floors. I've tucked myself away in a corner with couches on the second floor. Empty carton of fries and mostly-drunk screwdriver on the low metal table in front of me. Kids littered about around me, long hair, tye dye, fluorescent accessories.

I had a quiet day, productive. I made soup for dinner for me and my roommates and some friends of theirs who were over. I don't usually make soup, but I learned how. Then Gia messaged me, she had a friend who was going to this show and had an extra ticket, would I like to go? Would she be going, I asked? No, Eric had been watching Bee all day, so she couldn't just leave. That confirmed my supposition about her date with Dex. I felt a little weird, calm and freaked out all at once. At peace, and sad/scared simultaneously... does she want me, does she want me, does she want me. Why should it matter so much if she wants me. The question intrusive, separate from the reality of my calm heartbeat, calm hands. I said I'd love to go the show, worked out the details with her friend. I thought it'd be good to get out of the house.

Once I was here, I wondered if I'd made a mistake. Feeling misanthropic and utterly uninterested in the music. Well, it'd been worth a try. I'm not unhappy to be here, just too much in my own head, even though I'm not actually thinking much that's coherent at all. Typing this out on my smartphone instead of thinking.

Davis spent the night last night. Good to have his warm presence at my side, though I felt distracted. He left in the morning. This evening he called, said he'd thought maybe I'd call him, had been surprised when I hadn't. I said "you could have called me if you'd wanted to hang out." So many half-formed, unanswered questions floating about -- what is love, what is commitment, what do we owe each other, what are we doing here, what should come next.

I think I'm going to go home. Lie in bed, listen to music I like better than the music here. Rest.
 
Gia and I have our January date tomorrow, a Saturday. I'd been kinda wondering, in the back of my head, if it would really happen. She was eager enough to set the date back when we were rescheduling, but then, when I tried to establish a time frame for it... morning, afternoon, evening?... she got really antsy and didn't want to be pinned down. No big deal, I thought, she's stressed, she wants to keep things flexible. But she'd never reacted like that before, and it reminded me of how I act when I'm agreeing to do something I don't really want to do. So, part of me wondered.

I messaged her today, just to say hi, and she admitted to me that she's stressed out about the date, said that she didn't know why. I posed some possibilities -- maybe she feels like she's been asking Eric to babysit too often? Maybe her weekend time is just too important for getting chores done, and she'd feel better if we got together on a weeknight, like we normally do? She said that it might be those things, to some degree, but that more than anything she 1) was feeling very unsure about the D/s scene we'd had planned, and 2) was feeling claustrophobic physically, like she needed space.

Number 1 I could totally understand. No problem, I said, we can call off the scene, we shouldn't be pushing ourselves or each other into things we're not ready for. As for number 2... that set off an alarm bell. She had just been mentioning to me, a few days before, how much more sex she and Eric have been having since he went on a new anti-depressant drug and his mood improved. And then there was the matter of Dexter. I asked her, finally, if she and he had gotten together last weekend. She told me that they had, and said that there's now one less virgin in the world. What a powerful experience for her, I thought to myself, to be his first. How bonding that must be.

So. She is more than happy to be physically close to the men in her life. But not to me. The reason seemed beyond obvious. I told her that I thought we ought to consider the fact that it might just be that I'm a woman, and her mind and her body are inclined towards men right now. I've been in the position before of feeling like I "ought" to have sex with someone when I didn't really want to, and physically claustrophobic is a good way to describe my experience of that feeling.

"But," she said "it shouldn't be that way!!!"

"It might be part of it, though," she went on to say. "Or it could just be stress, or anxiety, the sort I've always had."

Of course it might, I agreed.

We talked a little more, and we agreed that I wouldn't initiate any physical contact, I would leave any and all touching completely up to her. She said that if we could do that, and if things could really be ok like that, she'd find it very reassuring. I promised her that we could just eat dinner and hang out, that I wouldn't be expecting anything. I told her that I felt calm and flexible. And I did, as I was typing. She told me that there was an entire year, in her relationship with Eric, when she didn't ever want him to initiate. She couldn't promise me that this was the same, she said, but it was, at least, in line with how her various anxieties have played out in the past. I drew some comfort from that thought.

Then I went to lunch and read over the conversation a couple of times. On my way back to my office I cried a little. Just letting the feeling of sadness pass through me. Maybe my girlfriend is straight. Maybe my girlfriend is straight. I was surprised at how calm I was, despite the tears. "No expectations," I told myself. There's nothing wrong with being straight, she shouldn't feel like it's wrong if that's really how it is for her now. But what would it mean for us? On her blog, sometimes she refers to me as "hers." How can she feel that way and not want me? Could I really be ok with being her non-sexual girlfriend, if things end up continuing in this direction?

I felt around in my heart, and discovered that I honestly didn't feel jealous about Eric, or about Dexter, I *just* wanted to know what will happen with her and me... which of course I can't know. It's frustrating and scary. Still, whatever changed in me when I made the decision to accept her involvement with Dexter and release any sense of control about it, it seems to be holding, and that's a relief at least. I think this would all be so much harder if I was still thinking in the way I had been before that shift.

During the course of the day, I thought about talking to Eric about my conversation with Gia. He and I chatted about some other things, but I didn't bring it up. When I got home, I thought about talking to my roommate Eddie about it. We talk about anything and everything when it comes to sex and love, but I didn't bring it up. What could anyone offer me in response to "I think my girlfriend might be straight" except sympathy? I didn't want to hear anyone say "I'm sorry."
 
I'm sorry to jump in with a nitpick, but it annoys me whenever I see this particular word choice as it seems to imply that only women can parent and that men spending time with their own children should be seen as somehow unusual.
-- maybe she feels like she's been asking Eric to babysit too often?
Babysitting is something a non-parent does when the parent(s) have somewhere else to be. Bee is Eric's child. When he's looking after Bee he's not babysitting, he's parenting. Just because it's not the female parent doing it doesn't make it babysitting.
 
I meant it purely in the sense that if one of them watches the baby while the other goes out and has fun, it can be a bit of a chore for the one left home alone with the sole responsibility for the rambunctious toddler, inasmuch as the one at home can't really do anything BUT look after the baby during that time. They very rarely leave each other in that position, so it's sort of a special favor from one to the other when they do. That said, I can't swear to the fact that I've ever used the word "babysitting" in reference to Gia, so perhaps I was revealing a bit of cultural bias.
 
My response to "I think my girlfriend may be straight"...

Desire is such a weird and fluid thing, hyper susceptible to interference and feedback from other factors... I totally hear that this may be a deeper, general issue to do with orientation rather than a you-specific dynamic, but I wonder how helpful it is to couch this worry in terms of Gia being straight/not rather than simply how things are between the two of you per se.

There may be many reasons why things are particularly complex in the sexual desire department between you and Gia... Can this be addressed head-on? Or sideways, vulnerable, hopeful, light-footed... ?

I know, for me, when my sex drive comes into question (most problematic when it's waned, for whatever reason, towards a particular person), the absolute worst thing is feeling pressure to fix it, or that things are only right if that aspect of our relationship is right.

Times like that, I can need a lot of space, and a strong reassurance that I can have non-sexual intimate with this person without feeling like I "owe them" sex, before I feel relaxed enough to explore being sexual (even so far as asking myself if I feel like it).

Gia's relief when you reassured her that you were happy to simply spend time together, even if you weren't physically intimate, resonated a lot with me. Feeling trapped in someone else's expectations can be a major block...

That said, phew, this shit is tough from your perspective. I wonder if it's possible to weave the most difficult aspects of your patience into a form of service? Gia calling you "hers" is a beautiful affirmation of her tenderness towards you... I'm not sure about this, I mean, it's such a personal thing.

I sometimes think about ways of serving that are waiting (actually waiting), without being paid attention to... This is one of the hardest things to do and still feel valued, I think. They don't want me right now, I am not needed or desired, or perhaps even thought about, but it is nonetheless a mutual act of love/intimacy... Not sure if you connect with this at all, but thought I'd share. Peace
 
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, Fuchka. Lot of good insight there.

I think you're absolutely right that I need to think about this in terms of me and Gia. All along, I've been leaning on crutches to understand and deal with the various roadblocks to our sex life. Stuff to make it about something other than her and me... about her pregnancy, her libido, her orientation... and while I think it's natural to want to try to identify the factors that might be feeding into things, it's probably not wise to focus too much on that stuff. I mean, if I really convince myself that Gia is mostly-straight and that's why we aren't intimate as much as I'd like, how on earth will I cope if she suddenly develops an infatuation with another woman? I have to either be ok or not be ok in our relationship as it is, regardless of why exactly it is that way.

There may be many reasons why things are particularly complex in the sexual desire department between you and Gia... Can this be addressed head-on? Or sideways, vulnerable, hopeful, light-footed... ?

There IS a lot going on that's she-and-me specific. One of those things has definitely been her feeling pressure when it comes to our relationship. I think our date last night may have helped with that (will describe more in another post). I love the last phrase you use above. Vulnerable, hopeful, light-footed. As much as I'd like to, I can't have "faith" in our relationship at this point in time. Things seem too unsure, and I've been hurt before in other relationships in ways that are hard to forget. But I can have hope, and I can be light and flexible and vulnerable and open within that hope.

It's helpful to hear that you relate to how she feels, and that space and lack of pressure makes a big difference for you. :)

And you're spot on with the idea of patience as a form of service. I've tried to conceptualize it like that before, with varying degrees of success, and I think it's an important idea to hold onto. Non-action can definitely be service. Heck, with Eric I've sometimes felt the desire to perform little acts of service (less so lately), and when I've felt that way I've reminded myself that he's explicitly said that he doesn't want that, and I've thought to myself "NOT serving him is the best way to truly serve him, because it's about what HE wants."

Similarly, this is about what she wants, and about me giving it to her. The difference being that while Eric presumably has little to no idea about my internal landscape when it comes to him, and what I do or don't do and why, Gia is very aware that when I go a whole evening without touching her, at her request, and am not tense or weird about it, despite the fact that of course I'd LIKE to touch her, that it's about me respecting her wishes and showing her love and service. Again, more soon in another post.
 
The day of our date. I picked her up at her place in the late afternoon. Eric asked how long we'd be, and she gave him a time range ending around mid-evening. I thought to myself that that probably wouldn't be quite enough time for what we had planned, but I didn't say anything -- I figured that she knew our plans as well as I did, and if that's how long she wanted to spend, fair enough. No expectations.

We went back to the pottery place that we went to on our November date, to finish up our pieces. We ended up staying there for a couple of hours, idly working, chatting, relaxed. Very pleasant. As I mentioned in a previous post, she'd asked that I not initiate any physical contact, and I was scrupulous about this. As we were getting ready to leave, I pointed out that if we stuck with our original plan, which was to go back to my house so I could make us dinner, we'd be out later than she'd said. We texted Eric to let him know, he said it was fine.

On the ride back to my place, I gave in to curiosity and asked her about her recent experience with Dexter. She gushed, apparently it was amazing for both of them. There was one moment where I was smiling a small smile and then it suddenly fell off my face, and the positive emotions I was feeling fled as I asked myself "Am I really sitting here, happily hearing about how tingly they made each other, can this really be ok?" But the moment passed swiftly, without her noticing, and it actually WAS ok. Better than ok, actually. Her first time with a man other than her husband, his first time ever, and it went so well for both of them... it's a beautiful thing, truly. I loved the thought that she's been sexually active for fully half of her life, and yet can still learn and experience completely new things. Life should be like that for all of us.

At one point, I was waxing philosophical about poly, and I said "The wonderful thing about having multiple lovers is that each one teaches you new things about yourself... each one sees a part of you that no one else sees, and reflects it back to you, so you get to learn things you might never have otherwise learned." There was a pause in the conversation. "...plus," I added, "more people to help you move." We both cracked up at that. :D

Back at my place, I got to work getting dinner together -- mixed drinks, a couple of courses, and a healthy-but-rich dessert. As I chopped, we talked some more, she completed a puzzle and read a book. She got up at one point and cuddled me, as I worked -- it was the first time we'd touching all night and it was delightful. When everything was finally finished, I took it all out to the dining room, where I'd set up a bank of candles, which served as our sole lighting. The only thing missing were rose petals scattered over the table. :)

If I may say so myself, everything came out GREAT. She complimented me on it and ate everything with relish. She also commented on how odd, and yet how pleasant, it had been to let me do all the work. Normally she would have been trying to help, and would have felt uncomfortable sitting idle while someone else was busy, so it had been an experiment, a new thing, for her to relinquish all responsibility. I hardly need say that I was pleased to hear that she was happy with the experience. She touched me just a little more as we ate, chaste but intimate, warm. She told me that she wants to have me shine her boots before the next club night, which is an idea I am ALL about. It was thoughtful of her to suggest it, she knew how much I'd like the thought, and her boots are precious to her, personal.

By this point, we were passing the new target-time we'd given Eric, it was clear that it was going to be closer to midnight by the time we got back to her place. Gia texted back and forth with him for a minute, I wasn't sure what was passing between them and didn't ask. But she didn't rush the end of dinner, we took our time with dessert. I felt a little guilty, like I was being a bad metamour by not insisting that we rush back, but I couldn't honestly regret the time together in the least.

Finally, I took her home. As I was driving, she told me again what a wonderful time she'd had, and she ruffled my hair for at least a full minute. It felt so nice that I almost got distracted from the road. I was proud of myself for holding to the no-initiating-contact rule. Normally I'm very touchy-feely, so it had been a conscious effort, but not a painful one. It made me enjoy it all the more when she reached out, and it let me know for sure that she really wanted the contact. I only slipped up once, right as she was about to leave the car, I slipped my hand into hers. She squeezed my fingers. Then she kissed me, though not for long.

We saw each other again, the next night, at a show. Although we hadn't discussed whether or not it was meant to be for just the one night, I mostly stuck to not initiating physical contact. We have more plans coming up -- she may come out with me to a dance party in February as a just-us date. Without me pushing for it, she seems to be shooting for once-a-month dates, which is a relief for me, to think that that need can, in fact, be met.

I'm so curious... if I completely let go of initiating sexual contact, how long will it take before she chooses to initiate? WILL she choose to? Will we just end up having the occasional threesome together, which she seems more comfortable with (why should it be any different now, when that was always the case when we first started out)? No simple answers, no clear vision of our future together, but it's ok. It was a very good night with the woman I love, who loves me too.
 
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I'm so curious... if I completely let go of initiating sexual contact, how long will it take before she chooses to initiate? WILL she choose to? Will we just end up having the occasional threesome together, which she seems more comfortable with (why should it be any different now, when that was always the case when we first started out)? No simple answers, no clear vision of our future together, but it's ok. It was a very good night with the woman I love, who loves me too.

I wonder about that subject sometimes, I imagine that takes a hell of a lot of willpower to try, along with very hard mental work to accept whatever the outcome is. I wish everything was easy answers though! Hopefully you can keep your mind focused on the positives regardless of what choices you make.

Mainly I wanted to come say that since I started following your tumbler feed in Google reader a couple weeks ago, you've kept me cracking up. Everything else I follow is sewing related, and I just open a bunch of blogs at a time, and the transition from "what an awesome quilt" to "wow look at all those cocks!" keeps startling me.
 
Bwaha, awesome. XD

Nyc, for your ease of browsing, you can add "tagged/cocks" to the end of my blog url. I gotta warn you, though, it's gonna be equal parts women with cocks, cocks getting slapped, group sex that happens to include cocks, and misc. cocks.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR1MYvJ7PUs

Tell me again
When I've been to the river
And I've taken the edge off my thirst
Tell me again
We're alone and I'm listening
I'm listening so hard that it hurts
Tell me again
When I'm clean and I’m sober
Tell me again
When I've seen through the horror
Tell me again
Tell me over and over
Tell me that you want me then
Amen
 
Bwaha, awesome. XD

Nyc, for your ease of browsing, you can add "tagged/cocks" to the end of my blog url. I gotta warn you, though, it's gonna be equal parts women with cocks, cocks getting slapped, group sex that happens to include cocks, and misc. cocks.

What is the feed? I'd like to follow it:)
 
Life is continuing on as per normal -- club nights, babysitting nights, times where I've felt very connected, times where I've felt very disconnected, nothing I feel the need to dissect at the moment. We were briefly scheming about an orgy with all of G&E's partners, but for various reasons that's not gonna work out.

One neat thing, though. I gave Eric a ride back to his place tonight. On the way there, I yelled a sarcastic piece of encouragement at another driver who was being an ass. Eric yelled to the driver "Don't listen to him!" For the record, the other driver couldn't hear us, the windows were rolled up, we were just entertaining ourselves.

He called me "him". o_0

It was obviously an accident, and I'm almost certain he doesn't even know that he did it. But I felt... oddly *seen*, in that moment. It'd be hard to really explain without going into the long story of how I feel about my gender. Suffice it to say that, while I'm not trans, it means a lot to me to be able to think that my gender isn't what's important about me when it comes to my interpersonal relationships.
 
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