I am a married woman, involved in the lifestyle for 14 years. My husband has dated for a good portion of that time; I have had a good bit of practice and time for introspection on dealing with things from that side, but I have only recently begun my own dating. I need some objective input as I’m both an overthinker, and one of those people who tend to take on too much responsibility in any given situation. In my current situation I’m not sure if I have a valid issue, or if my expectations are just unreasonable. (It may be worth noting that I’ve only had 2 poly relationships, and my dating experience before I got together with my husband is also fairly limited.)
I’m currently dating a couple; we’ve been together for roughly 8 months. When I first got involved with them, I made it clear that I was not looking for a casual relationship. The issue I am having is with not feeling valued, and I can’t seem to figure out quite what’s going on here.
The male half of the couple is very emotionally reserved, and suffers from (currently untreated) depression and ADHD. Neither one of them are very affectionate, this fact is something that has been discussed in the past. Other than a once a week standing date (in which I prepare a meal for everyone, and then we sit on the couch and watch tv for a while), they do not seem inclined to spend time with me, which is made doubly frustrating by the fact that we live literally a block away from each other. They have apparently lost interest in having sex with me – the last time he and I were intimate was over a month ago, I’m not even sure when the last time she and I or all three of us were intimate, which is made doubly frustrating by the fact that I know that they are being intimate with other people. There’s no flirting, no emotional intimacy with him whatsoever – we used to at least talk about things other than our shared love of snark, but that has tapered off as well, a fact brought poignantly home when we DID spend some time together over the holiday and I got asked several times “did guy tell you about this or that minor thing that happened?” If I tell him specifically that I need some attention it will pick back up for a few days, but I’m getting to the point where I feel like I have to make a special request just to get him to TALK to me, and that’s not exactly great for the self-esteem.
He and I have had conversations about this in the past, because this has been an ongoing issue. They tend to go something like this:
I indicate that I need to feel desired, like I actually have a place in his life, like I’m not just another random chick he doesn’t object to hanging out with if he has some spare time and nothing better to do.
He agrees that it is reasonable for me to feel this way.
I indicate frustration because he does not express those things in any of the ways that I am used to guys expressing general interest.
He agrees that he does not behave in those ways.
I ask him to tell me what his indicators ARE, so that I will recognize them for what they are instead of discounting them because we are approaching our interactions from different angles.
He is unable to give me anything, other than the fact that he still talks to me – if he didn’t want to continue to engage with me, he would just stop.
I think I could deal with the lack of sex better if I felt like I occupied a bigger space in their life, but I don’t. Typically when I try to talk to him/them about these issues (and he HATES having relationship issue discussions. I won’t have them with him online anymore because he has a tendency to just walk away from them when they get too uncomfortable for him), I typically get told that they DO care about me, it’s not about me, they’re just busy, they have other things going on…but I feel like after enough times, it DOES become about me, and how little my feelings seem to mean to them – him in particular.
I just don’t get what’s going on here. If a girlfriend came to me with this tale – “that’s the guy I’m in a relationship with…we don’t have sex, and don’t play unless we happen to be at the same play event and he’s not busy, and we don’t really spend time together, and he doesn’t really talk to me all that much, or about anything of consequence…but he totally cares about me” I would say girl he’s using you…but I can’t figure out what he’s using me FOR. It’s clearly not sex, I’m not fulfilling some emotional need for him, it’s not like I’m a gourmet chef or anything so I can’t imagine that a once a week free meal is worth sticking around for…I feel like I have zero value in this relationship, and I can’t tell if this is just the life of a secondary and I’m not used to it, or it’s just that my expectations are too high and I’m trying to treat this like a dedicated mono relationship when I shouldn’t, or if I’m just too high maintenance.
And I know that the answer is “talk to him/them”. I’m trying. They both seem to get frustrated when I have issues. I asked him yesterday if he could make some time in the next day or so to get together with me and talk; he said of course, but interestingly I haven’t heard from either of them since them. If I *am* able to pin him down for a conversation, I suspect that our lack of closeness that’s developed over the past several weeks will be attributed to his depression, and the stresses he’s dealing with in this life at the moment. And I get that, I really do. I don’t expect him to change for me, and become affectionate, and want to see me 4 days a week. But when these periods crop up where life takes his attention away from the relationship for weeks at a time, is it unreasonable for me to want him to acknowledge that once in a while? I don’t need a dozen roses or a boom box outside my window, just a “hey, I know I haven’t had much time or attention for you lately, don’t think it’s gone unnoticed” that I don’t have to chase down and beg for?
I know that relationships take work, poly relationships in particular. What I don’t know, where poly relationships are concerned, is how to differentiate between a normal amount of work, and when it’s time to walk away.
I’m currently dating a couple; we’ve been together for roughly 8 months. When I first got involved with them, I made it clear that I was not looking for a casual relationship. The issue I am having is with not feeling valued, and I can’t seem to figure out quite what’s going on here.
The male half of the couple is very emotionally reserved, and suffers from (currently untreated) depression and ADHD. Neither one of them are very affectionate, this fact is something that has been discussed in the past. Other than a once a week standing date (in which I prepare a meal for everyone, and then we sit on the couch and watch tv for a while), they do not seem inclined to spend time with me, which is made doubly frustrating by the fact that we live literally a block away from each other. They have apparently lost interest in having sex with me – the last time he and I were intimate was over a month ago, I’m not even sure when the last time she and I or all three of us were intimate, which is made doubly frustrating by the fact that I know that they are being intimate with other people. There’s no flirting, no emotional intimacy with him whatsoever – we used to at least talk about things other than our shared love of snark, but that has tapered off as well, a fact brought poignantly home when we DID spend some time together over the holiday and I got asked several times “did guy tell you about this or that minor thing that happened?” If I tell him specifically that I need some attention it will pick back up for a few days, but I’m getting to the point where I feel like I have to make a special request just to get him to TALK to me, and that’s not exactly great for the self-esteem.
He and I have had conversations about this in the past, because this has been an ongoing issue. They tend to go something like this:
I indicate that I need to feel desired, like I actually have a place in his life, like I’m not just another random chick he doesn’t object to hanging out with if he has some spare time and nothing better to do.
He agrees that it is reasonable for me to feel this way.
I indicate frustration because he does not express those things in any of the ways that I am used to guys expressing general interest.
He agrees that he does not behave in those ways.
I ask him to tell me what his indicators ARE, so that I will recognize them for what they are instead of discounting them because we are approaching our interactions from different angles.
He is unable to give me anything, other than the fact that he still talks to me – if he didn’t want to continue to engage with me, he would just stop.
I think I could deal with the lack of sex better if I felt like I occupied a bigger space in their life, but I don’t. Typically when I try to talk to him/them about these issues (and he HATES having relationship issue discussions. I won’t have them with him online anymore because he has a tendency to just walk away from them when they get too uncomfortable for him), I typically get told that they DO care about me, it’s not about me, they’re just busy, they have other things going on…but I feel like after enough times, it DOES become about me, and how little my feelings seem to mean to them – him in particular.
I just don’t get what’s going on here. If a girlfriend came to me with this tale – “that’s the guy I’m in a relationship with…we don’t have sex, and don’t play unless we happen to be at the same play event and he’s not busy, and we don’t really spend time together, and he doesn’t really talk to me all that much, or about anything of consequence…but he totally cares about me” I would say girl he’s using you…but I can’t figure out what he’s using me FOR. It’s clearly not sex, I’m not fulfilling some emotional need for him, it’s not like I’m a gourmet chef or anything so I can’t imagine that a once a week free meal is worth sticking around for…I feel like I have zero value in this relationship, and I can’t tell if this is just the life of a secondary and I’m not used to it, or it’s just that my expectations are too high and I’m trying to treat this like a dedicated mono relationship when I shouldn’t, or if I’m just too high maintenance.
And I know that the answer is “talk to him/them”. I’m trying. They both seem to get frustrated when I have issues. I asked him yesterday if he could make some time in the next day or so to get together with me and talk; he said of course, but interestingly I haven’t heard from either of them since them. If I *am* able to pin him down for a conversation, I suspect that our lack of closeness that’s developed over the past several weeks will be attributed to his depression, and the stresses he’s dealing with in this life at the moment. And I get that, I really do. I don’t expect him to change for me, and become affectionate, and want to see me 4 days a week. But when these periods crop up where life takes his attention away from the relationship for weeks at a time, is it unreasonable for me to want him to acknowledge that once in a while? I don’t need a dozen roses or a boom box outside my window, just a “hey, I know I haven’t had much time or attention for you lately, don’t think it’s gone unnoticed” that I don’t have to chase down and beg for?
I know that relationships take work, poly relationships in particular. What I don’t know, where poly relationships are concerned, is how to differentiate between a normal amount of work, and when it’s time to walk away.