bewildered
New member
I've been in a long-term relationship with my partner for upwards of ten years. We were mono for half that time, and then we decided together to embrace our poly selves and went that way. Since that time, we've each gotten very close with another lover. And though that partner and I have been together much longer and have deep bonds, our aim has been not to prioritize that relationship over our other relationships.
My partner started dating her lover a few years ago. I had some initial friction with this metamour, which, despite our efforts, has never quite healed. Meanwhile, I've grown increasingly concerned that my partner's relationship with her lover is unhealthy, that my metamour is emotionally manipulative, and that my partner's social relationships and her ability to function are in serious jeopardy. Their relationship has hallmarks of codependency. My metamour (who uses 'they' pronouns) has constructed a reality centered around their intensive mental health needs, in which they are being repeatedly victimized. They use a lot of political language to support their perception. For my partner, who is very close, and playing a caregiving role, I can see how this would be compelling.
What I'm struggling with is how to talk with my partner about this. Everyone around the situation sees a an unhealthy dynamic at play, but my partner has bought into it so much that she can't see it. She has bought into the victimization narrative, and feels 'co-victimized.' Sometimes my partner has more perspective, and other times she's really invested in this alternate reality. I do feel like we have a solid foundation of care and communication, but the issue is complicated in this situation by all of the spin my metamour has created around me - I'm malicious, I'm trying to sabotage their relationship, etc. It feels difficult to share concerns with my partner that this relationship they're in is unhealthy, that they're disconnected from reality, and that they are in love with someone who is hurting them and other people - and it feels even more challenging when I am carrying a stigma of bias or malice. I've even internalized these accusations, digging into myself for not liking this metamour or being critical of their behaviors, which has been impairing my ability to listen to my gut, share feelings, or react in other ways that would otherwise feel appropriate.
I'm very worried because my partner is in a very vulnerable and isolated place, and is moving more in that direction, and I'm worried that if I share everything I'm seeing and she pushes me away, she'll be even more isolated. So the questions I have are:
- Does anyone have any advice about how to try to intervene, support my partner, or deal with my feelings?
- Should I be looking at this situation differently? Does anyone have a different perspective?
- Can anyone recommend resources on supporting a loved one in an unhealthy or codependent relationship? And I do feel like our poly situation complicates things, so I'm wondering if anyone has more poly perspectives or advice.
Thanks for your help.
My partner started dating her lover a few years ago. I had some initial friction with this metamour, which, despite our efforts, has never quite healed. Meanwhile, I've grown increasingly concerned that my partner's relationship with her lover is unhealthy, that my metamour is emotionally manipulative, and that my partner's social relationships and her ability to function are in serious jeopardy. Their relationship has hallmarks of codependency. My metamour (who uses 'they' pronouns) has constructed a reality centered around their intensive mental health needs, in which they are being repeatedly victimized. They use a lot of political language to support their perception. For my partner, who is very close, and playing a caregiving role, I can see how this would be compelling.
What I'm struggling with is how to talk with my partner about this. Everyone around the situation sees a an unhealthy dynamic at play, but my partner has bought into it so much that she can't see it. She has bought into the victimization narrative, and feels 'co-victimized.' Sometimes my partner has more perspective, and other times she's really invested in this alternate reality. I do feel like we have a solid foundation of care and communication, but the issue is complicated in this situation by all of the spin my metamour has created around me - I'm malicious, I'm trying to sabotage their relationship, etc. It feels difficult to share concerns with my partner that this relationship they're in is unhealthy, that they're disconnected from reality, and that they are in love with someone who is hurting them and other people - and it feels even more challenging when I am carrying a stigma of bias or malice. I've even internalized these accusations, digging into myself for not liking this metamour or being critical of their behaviors, which has been impairing my ability to listen to my gut, share feelings, or react in other ways that would otherwise feel appropriate.
I'm very worried because my partner is in a very vulnerable and isolated place, and is moving more in that direction, and I'm worried that if I share everything I'm seeing and she pushes me away, she'll be even more isolated. So the questions I have are:
- Does anyone have any advice about how to try to intervene, support my partner, or deal with my feelings?
- Should I be looking at this situation differently? Does anyone have a different perspective?
- Can anyone recommend resources on supporting a loved one in an unhealthy or codependent relationship? And I do feel like our poly situation complicates things, so I'm wondering if anyone has more poly perspectives or advice.
Thanks for your help.