Supporting partner in codependent, maybe abusive relationship

bewildered

New member
I've been in a long-term relationship with my partner for upwards of ten years. We were mono for half that time, and then we decided together to embrace our poly selves and went that way. Since that time, we've each gotten very close with another lover. And though that partner and I have been together much longer and have deep bonds, our aim has been not to prioritize that relationship over our other relationships.

My partner started dating her lover a few years ago. I had some initial friction with this metamour, which, despite our efforts, has never quite healed. Meanwhile, I've grown increasingly concerned that my partner's relationship with her lover is unhealthy, that my metamour is emotionally manipulative, and that my partner's social relationships and her ability to function are in serious jeopardy. Their relationship has hallmarks of codependency. My metamour (who uses 'they' pronouns) has constructed a reality centered around their intensive mental health needs, in which they are being repeatedly victimized. They use a lot of political language to support their perception. For my partner, who is very close, and playing a caregiving role, I can see how this would be compelling.

What I'm struggling with is how to talk with my partner about this. Everyone around the situation sees a an unhealthy dynamic at play, but my partner has bought into it so much that she can't see it. She has bought into the victimization narrative, and feels 'co-victimized.' Sometimes my partner has more perspective, and other times she's really invested in this alternate reality. I do feel like we have a solid foundation of care and communication, but the issue is complicated in this situation by all of the spin my metamour has created around me - I'm malicious, I'm trying to sabotage their relationship, etc. It feels difficult to share concerns with my partner that this relationship they're in is unhealthy, that they're disconnected from reality, and that they are in love with someone who is hurting them and other people - and it feels even more challenging when I am carrying a stigma of bias or malice. I've even internalized these accusations, digging into myself for not liking this metamour or being critical of their behaviors, which has been impairing my ability to listen to my gut, share feelings, or react in other ways that would otherwise feel appropriate.

I'm very worried because my partner is in a very vulnerable and isolated place, and is moving more in that direction, and I'm worried that if I share everything I'm seeing and she pushes me away, she'll be even more isolated. So the questions I have are:
- Does anyone have any advice about how to try to intervene, support my partner, or deal with my feelings?
- Should I be looking at this situation differently? Does anyone have a different perspective?
- Can anyone recommend resources on supporting a loved one in an unhealthy or codependent relationship? And I do feel like our poly situation complicates things, so I'm wondering if anyone has more poly perspectives or advice.

Thanks for your help.
 
This is definitely a difficult situation. I don't know how helpful I'll be, but I'll try.

First, I see that you're concerned about your partner's relationship with her other partner, who appears to have mental health issues. When you try to talk to her about it, her other partner says you're trying to sabotage their relationship. Do I have that right? What have you said to your partner about this? Have you pointed out specific things that are causing you concern, or has it been just "I'm worried because I think this is unhealthy"?

Second, you say "everyone around the situation" also sees their relationship as unhealthy. Who is "everyone"? Has anyone else tried talking to your partner about this?

Third, you say your partner's social relationships and ability to function are in jeopardy. How so?

For your own share in this, I would recommend getting support from the "everyone involved". I'm assuming friends or family members. People you can share your concerns with and maybe work with to find a solution that might be more effective. If that isn't an option available to you, I might suggest speaking with a counselor or contacting an organization that deals with codependency and/or relationship abuse; those organizations sometimes have hotlines where you can speak with someone to get advice about specific situations.

How involved are you and your partner generally with each other's other relationships? Are you overstepping the usual boundaries by talking to her about your metamour, or is this standard practice? I'm asking because if she feels you're intruding too much into her other relationship, that might be part of the problem in getting her to listen to your concerns.

I'm sorry her other partner is causing so much difficulty for you. I hope this is something you'll be able to resolve.
 
That sounds bigger than internet advice to me. I am sorry you deal in this. :(

For my partner, who is very close, and playing a caregiving role, I can see how this would be compelling.

Does your partner know the difference between care taking and care giving?

Everyone around the situation sees a an unhealthy dynamic at play, but my partner has bought into it so much that she can't see it. She has bought into the victimization narrative, and feels 'co-victimized.'

I think you are best off with professional help here. While you are seeking it? In the meanwhile?

Do not say anything about the meta personally. Instead ask about the victim.

"Do you feel happy? Is that healthy behavior when X does that? What would you rather see? How can I help you?" rather than "X sucks. X is a jerk. Why do you stay with a jerk like X?"

IME, the abused friends I dealt with were first in denial, and didn't want to see yet or simply were not able to yet. I would avoid feeding the "us vs the world" mentality so they cling on to the abusive person "defending" them.

Instead establish that you are a safe person to talk to. That you get they love this person but want the bad behavior to stop. Then just be up front about how you feel when you get full. "I am full. I need a break from this conversation. I don't mind a 10 min vent, but I think you are best served by a professional counselor for the deeper/longer stuff. I am not skilled or trained in this and these are serious problems."

Take caution to keep it small vent size. If they have a 100 lb load, and you can only hold 5 lb, and stay healthy yourself that is fair. Encourage them to take the rest to a professional. You are NOT your partner's therapist. The goal is to encourage them to seek a counselor. Not for you to take on a case load. Keep it to appropriate help -- like a small vent, help make appointments or drive them to appointments, make a meal, air them out and go to a movie, etc.

I do feel like we have a solid foundation of care and communication, but the issue is complicated in this situation by all of the spin my metamour has created around me - I'm malicious, I'm trying to sabotage their relationship, etc.

I was in that situation with a friend and their abuser cast me in similar light. Why? Because I was a threat to their hold on the victim.

To the victim, I quietly said "He thinks I am evil because I tell you you have value and worth and dignity? Because I think you could be treated better and that you deserve to be treated well? Well, I do think those things. You deserve to be treated well and better than you are being treated right now. I also think you are an adult who can form your own opinion of me. I think you can choose who you hang out with or not."

And I let it be. I did not argue what the abuser was saying. Being at my house with me was supposed to be peaceful break, not another maelstrom for her to have to navigate. Both my abused friends eventually dumped their abusers. But it took a while. The one who was abused longer took years to leave. There was a LOT of coming to my house for tea and me encouraging them to seek a counselor, seek info, etc.

It feels difficult to share concerns with my partner that this relationship they're in is unhealthy, that they're disconnected from reality, and that they are in love with someone who is hurting them and other people - and it feels even more challenging when I am carrying a stigma of bias or malice.

DO express your concern.

DO NOT rain more junk on your partner. While these could likely be true? These...

  • you are disconnected from reality.
  • You are in love with a hurtful person

are evaluations that can sound like "more abuse" to their ears. How they are not enough, how they are stupid, etc. Esp if their abuser is raining other crap on them when you cannot see. You may inadvertently use the very same words the abuser uses.

Strive to take away from their burden, not add to it. Empower them. Point them toward a counselor who can better help them untangle. Know YOU are not their therapist. Ask if you can help them to find information about domestic violence/abuse stuff.

I've even internalized these accusations, digging into myself for not liking this metamour or being critical of their behaviors, which has been impairing my ability to listen to my gut, share feelings, or react in other ways that would otherwise feel appropriate.

That's why you need your own counselor to support you and help you maintain healthy boundaries when faced with a weird situation.

Does anyone have any advice about how to try to intervene, support my partner, or deal with my feelings?

Could this help any for the abuse? (If you scroll to the middle with the "stages" each article has things for friends and family to do for the person at that stage.)

http://speakoutloud.net/articles

Could also print the big pdf list and see if your partner is willing to highlight behaviors they experience with this wonky metamour to show their own therapist. Not to show you -- unless they ask for your help in highlighting it. It can be painful to read.

http://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/male-perpetrators-domestic-violence/mens-tactics

Could this help with the codependent stuff?

https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html

I encourage you to get professional help to aid you in disentangling yourselves from abuse. I hope your partner wakes up out of the "fog." But if not, and nothing so far is a 911 call? It's a tricky space.

Do talk to a counselor as you navigate this difficult time. Being abused becomes "the normal" so its hard for the person to see the behavior as abusive. Perhaps your partner is willing to come to one of your counseling sessions where you can express your concerns with your counselor present? Set a few appointments up for just you to get you own bearings first though. That would be my suggestion.

Prepare, then go ahead and speak your truth about it to you partner even if it does mean what you fear -- that she will push you away. You will have lined up your own counselor already to support you if that happens.

And sad as it is, sometimes you speaking your truth and being willing to step back and leave them to it is just the wake up call they need. If your partner is hell bent on staying there longer, all you can do is step back far enough to keep you at a safer distance while remaining in touch and open to helping. Then hope they call you when they ARE ready to leave and want your help. You cannot rush the victim person through those stages faster than they can go. Abuse does a number on their heads. At the same time, you cannot do it for them. You can only light the path. :(

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Hi bewildered,

It seems that you'll have to step cautiously, since you've been labeled as someone biased against your metamour. The most I think you can do is tell your partner, "I'm concerned about your relationship with [metamour], I'm afraid it may be codependent or even abusive." But beyond that, you kind of have to let your partner be a grownup and take care of herself.

I can see that you are in a complicated situation, and I hope you can get it worked out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I just wanted to write to say how appreciative I am of the advice, questions, and empathy you all have expressed. It's been very helpful for me in seeking a clearer path through this. I take your words to heart, and I'm definitely seeking professional support. And definitely treading carefully.

It's super scary to see the isolating effects this person is having on my partner. They, the metamour, have a very strong, well articulated, completely wrong and self-centered story about the world, how they've been hurt by everyone around them, how I'm victimizing them, how my partner is victimizing them; and my partner buys into it, and that means that people on the outside have to either entertain this fiction or push away. It is incredibly isolating. My partner has essentially been asked to leave her home because of it, and doesn't feel like she can live with anyone else for fear that it will happen again. We all just moved to a new town, and she feels like all of her fledgling friends have betrayed her. Everyone I know is concerned about her and cares about her, but feels that she has isolated herself in a pit of depression and social avoidance with her other partner.

I won't trouble you all by further belaboring of the situation, but I did want to ask: what is the difference between caretaking and caregiving? This seemed an important point, but I'm missing it.

Really, thanks for the help and resources. This is such an smart, caring community and I'm glad to have found it.
 
Galagirl, I especially wanted to thank you for your thoughtful reflection. I am definitely aiming to both support my partner lovingly, not add to their despair or incriminations, and share my observations. I am focusing on caring for her and supporting her wellbeing in my observations, and I'll be as plain with her as I lovingly can once I have more personal support.
 
Glad you are seeking a professional.

Maybe this helps some...

http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/

I hope you set up your support first and then when the intervention happens with your partner it goes as well as it can go. This def does not sound like healthy dynamic. In case it something comes up but you are still seeking a counselor -- remember ring theory. You comfort in, kvetch out.

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

But def work with your professional and go how they say to go once you have one.

Galagirl
 
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According to Wiktionary,

  • caretaking = the act of taking care or taking charge of something,
  • caregiving = the provision of healthcare services.
Does that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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