How did you handle being the secondary?

Just curious and kinda hoping to get some tips and clarifications. I have been in one poly relationship before, but it was a triad in high school that obviously fell apart for many reasons. This relationship is my second legitimate poly experience and its majorly different. Especially with the difference of being the "New Girl" so to speak. I am going from being the girl with two girlfriends and we all fell in love with each other to being the girl who fell for another girl that already has 2 lovers. I am good friends with her boyfriend and I am trying to communicate with her girlfriend more but she's a shy girl. So its baby steps.

To best explain...They have a triad together. They plan on marriage, moving in, and lives together if things still go well and they connect once they all meet (long distance). I am seperate from all that just because I have no feelings for my girlfriends lovers. So she has her relationship with them and then a relationship with me. I guess I am just...not used to that. She wont even allow us to joke about things like favourites or even let me call myself a secondary. She says everyone is primary to her (I don't believe in marriage for myself...I just don't feel qualified..I explained this before we got together and she says she understands but I see her attempts to try and convince me otherwise). So I try my best to see myself as equal to them but I don't. There is many months worth more time, love, and emotions that they have on me. And while I don't question her feelings at all...sometimes I lack that feeling of...being important. If that makes sense.
So how have you guys dealt with this?

Also...I know jealousy is never "okay"...But. Is it normal? I never had it in my previous relationships.
Before I even got with my girlfriend, she told me there is currently a no sex rule because her virginity is promised to her boyfriend. I have zero issues. That is fine. We have been enjoying a relationship with no sexting so no sex is easy. But I am going to go visit her at the end of next month and I was going to be her first kiss and I believe her first date. Her boyfriend and her girlfriend were alright with that. Didn't have a care in the world anytime I brought it up and I brought it up a lot to be sure. So I created a huge plan for her to make it special. And she just recently told me she might go see her girlfriend about a week before I come out so it will be her instead of me. Her girlfriend was there first. So obviously I respect that...but I still can't help feeling jealous over it. And whats weird is I have no jealousy over the sex or the playing or anything. I am just jealous over the kiss. She asked me if it meant that much to me and I told the truth (communication is important!) but I also dont want to restrict her and she regrets or worse resents.
 
Just curious and kinda hoping to get some tips and clarifications. I have been in one poly relationship before, but it was a triad in high school that obviously fell apart for many reasons. This relationship is my second legitimate poly experience and its majorly different. Especially with the difference of being the "New Girl" so to speak. I am going from being the girl with two girlfriends and we all fell in love with each other to being the girl who fell for another girl that already has 2 lovers. I am good friends with her boyfriend and I am trying to communicate with her girlfriend more but she's a shy girl. So its baby steps.

To best explain...They have a triad together. They plan on marriage, moving in, and lives together if things still go well and they connect once they all meet (long distance). I am seperate from all that just because I have no feelings for my girlfriends lovers. So she has her relationship with them and then a relationship with me. I guess I am just...not used to that. She wont even allow us to joke about things like favourites or even let me call myself a secondary. She says everyone is primary to her (I don't believe in marriage for myself...I just don't feel qualified..I explained this before we got together and she says she understands but I see her attempts to try and convince me otherwise). So I try my best to see myself as equal to them but I don't. There is many months worth more time, love, and emotions that they have on me. And while I don't question her feelings at all...sometimes I lack that feeling of...being important. If that makes sense.
So how have you guys dealt with this?

Also...I know jealousy is never "okay"...But. Is it normal? I never had it in my previous relationships.
Before I even got with my girlfriend, she told me there is currently a no sex rule because her virginity is promised to her boyfriend. I have zero issues. That is fine. We have been enjoying a relationship with no sexting so no sex is easy. But I am going to go visit her at the end of next month and I was going to be her first kiss and I believe her first date. Her boyfriend and her girlfriend were alright with that. Didn't have a care in the world anytime I brought it up and I brought it up a lot to be sure. So I created a huge plan for her to make it special. And she just recently told me she might go see her girlfriend about a week before I come out so it will be her instead of me. Her girlfriend was there first. So obviously I respect that...but I still can't help feeling jealous over it. And whats weird is I have no jealousy over the sex or the playing or anything. I am just jealous over the kiss. She asked me if it meant that much to me and I told the truth (communication is important!) but I also dont want to restrict her and she regrets or worse resents.

Let's break this down.

First of all, you sound very young. You're just out of high school? Because this sounds like romanticised love...

First kiss? Huge plan to make it special? Everyone is long distance and has never met? This woman plans to marry both her other partners (which is illegal) and she's never even met them yet???

Sounds like your so-called girlfriend is someone you talk to online, and her so-called other partners are people she talks to online. And she's a virgin and has "promised" her cherry to her boyfriend... So that's supposed to be all "special" too?

Did you all meet playing a game online?

It just sounds like all of this is one big fantasy, of young people just beginning to experiment with sexual/romantic feelings, all done long distance. No one should be planning a marriage.

Why don't you look for a partner in real life who lives in proximity to you, instead of pinning hopes on a virgin who lives far away, who is also fantasing about 2 other people who live far from her? This sounds way more complicated than it needs to be. There need be no worries about who is called primary/secondary/tertiary. No one has even met yet!
 
I would have to agree with Madelyn here, for the most part and it does sound like this was a relationship starting from online gaming circumstances. I've been a gamer for over 10 years now and seen things like this multiple times - Sometimes it works, but that's very few and far in between.

Dating shouldn't be this complicated at first. One relationship is difficult to muster with honesty and no game playing, but it almost sounds like she's stringing you along and "keeping her options open".

Granted, I don't know her, but this sounds like a whole heartbreak waiting to happen.

Feel free to talk to me via PM, if you feel the need.
 
Nothing is real until you meet in person.

Don't get all hung up on someone you have never met. You may be dealing with a catfish or someone who enjoys fanasty.
 
Hi PrincessPoisonIvy,

Actually sometimes jealousy is okay: It can be an early warning system when something is off, or when you're being treated badly. It seems to me like your girlfriend left you high and dry when she abruptly switched first kisses. I would be wary of her at this point.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Just to clear up some things guys:

Everyone is in their 20s and has been out of high school for a while.

No one met on a game. I don't game much myself. Everyone met via common BDSM interests, has started out as friends from what I know. I do know with myself, I've known her over a year (Took my time getting to know her) and we call/vid chat often so no catfish there. She just happened to live in the same state/city as most of my family so I visit often which is why going to meet her came up so quick.

As for the marriage thing, we all are either religious or agnostic so I think she's more talking commitment ceremonies which I have seen many people in poly relationships do besides her boyfriend which he plans on actually doing. They've been together for a while.

Also the whole thing with all that is special to me, not much them. With the virginity thing its more of a deal than anything cause he is a virgin too. I was always raised that kind of thing needs to be special by my parents. So I always took it more serious than normal people. Call me a hopeless romantic I suppose.

Bottom point, took my time getting to know her, and she lives in a state I visit quite often so the long distance thing I don't mind at all.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know if any of this could help you. But some thoughts...

She wont even allow us to joke about things like favourites or even let me call myself a secondary. She says everyone is primary to her (I don't believe in marriage for myself...I just don't feel qualified..I explained this before we got together and she says she understands but I see her attempts to try and convince me otherwise). So I try my best to see myself as equal to them but I don't.

She's trying to convince you to be a part of this group marriage/commitment ceremony? Even though you said marriage is not for you? Is she trying to harem build? :confused:

If you don't see yourself as equal to them because they are local and you are LDR, or they have a longer history and you just started dating her... it is what it is at this time. The hinge calling it X or the hinge feeling a certain way? That doesn't change geography or YOUR feelings about it. You can feel what you feel. You can have your own perspective on things.

What do you need to feel special? Are you getting enough of that here? Request what you need from the hinge. She is either willing to do that or not. Then you can determine if you are getting enough return to be willing to continue here.

Maybe what you need to feel special, respected, and valued is for the hinge to keep her Word when she makes agreements with you or makes promises to you. And to be willing to call things how they are. If it is BF first, then GF, then you? You are tertiary. That's how it is. Don't pretend like it isn't how it is. You might be happy being LDR tertiary. But let's not have a song and dance about it. She could not offer co-primary and then deliver tertiary.
And don't be playing fast and loose with her Word. That makes it hard to trust her if she says one thing but does another.

But I am going to go visit her at the end of next month and I was going to be her first kiss and I believe her first date. Her boyfriend and her girlfriend were alright with that. Didn't have a care in the world anytime I brought it up and I brought it up a lot to be sure. So I created a huge plan for her to make it special. And she just recently told me she might go see her girlfriend about a week before I come out so it will be her instead of me. Her girlfriend was there first.

All feelings are normal to feel. But I'm wondering if it isn't so much jealousy but anger and disappointment that she broke her promise and kinda stood you up. But still expects you to come visit with a happy smile on your face the next week?

Like she promised you a special date/first kiss when you visit. So you've been planning this thing for a while and she didn't object or anything. Now she's going to share all that with the GF because "well...she came first." Well, yeah. We already knew that. So why not speak up sooner rather than lead you on? With this visit/date thing? And with the "co-primary" thing?

It's her body. She can share it with who she pleases. But HOW she let's you know... it is kinda mean. It's hard to feel appreciated and valued when someone makes agreements or promises and then doesn't stick with them. Or when someone else is just making announcements for how everything goes in this network on her whim. And everyone else is just supposed to dance to her tune even if it is jarring or inconsiderate.

I think it's pretty odd putting a premium on first kiss, first date, first sex share EVER in your 20's. It's a teen thing to do. But you guys are adults. SOMEONE has to be first. I was surprised to hear she has a BF and a GF already before you came along and she hasn't kissed either one or been on a date with either one already. Why not? How'd they even agree to be BF/GF then? :confused:

Besides.... first kiss shared with you is still first kiss shared with you. First sex share with you is still the first sex share with you. Those things can still be special.

What I would object more to is the way she behaves with making and keeping promises/agreements. They don't seem to be binding to her. I need to be able to trust who I date so if they are "say one thing do another" in a lot of ways... I cannot trust them to be a person of their Word.

Dating is a process, and not everyone you date will be a runner. If she doesn't meet your personal standard for a dating partner? She doesn't treat you well/how you want to be treated? She doesn't keep her Word? Maybe she doesn't make the cut for you then. You could let this one go.

Especially when some things sound weird/hinky already. Usually people put their best foot forward in the beginning of dating. If this is "best behavior" from her then maybe you don't want to stick around for when the real person comes out. Or maybe this IS the real person coming out now.

The only other choice I can think of is to go ahead and date her, but change your expectations. Expect her NOT to keep her promises. Just expect her to be kinda flaky with her Word and be more like "Oh, that would be nice" or "We'll see" when she's gushing and promising the world. But not really expecting any follow through or for her to actually honor her Word. Then if it comes to pass it's like a nice bonus. And if it doesn't, you aren't disappointed. You can be like "Well, that's my flaky GF. Saying one thing and doing another. Pretty much like I expect her to be."

I have some people like that in my life. They say all sorts of things but I have learned to never believe them. But I'm not dating them though. I have a different personal standard for dating partners and close friends than I do casual friends. I can enjoy a casual friend who is kinda of a bullshitter and blows things up bigger than they are. Like a "tall tales" person. They can be entertaining at parties. But I don't want to be closer, date them, or do business with them. I need more reliability than that in a dating partner, a close friend, or business partner. The "tall tales" people aren't the people I would call in hard times or be really close with or do big things with.

I guess you could figure out what your personal standards are and what you are and are not willing to put up with.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you so much. You did help a lot. I think its just....different. To not be the hinge like you said. And maybe what I need is a little bit more clarification on things.
 
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