Guidelines & Boundaries vs. Rules: Merged Threads, General Discussion

Do you set boundaries for what your partner(s) can and can't do?

To me, setting boundaries is a group activity. Whoever the requested/suggested boundaries would affect are a part of it. I can't make anyone do anything that they aren't willing to do. I can, however, request that my partner do x, y, or z to make me feel more comfortable. It is their choice whether to indulge me, compromise the boundary to something more easily done, or flat out refuse.


Is it controlling to do that?

If I expected him/her to do whatever I asked/demanded every time with no consideration for how he/she felt about it, yes, it would be controlling. The way I approach it, though, I don't think is controlling.

How have you resolved conflicts between a boundary you feel you need, and respecting your partner's rights and autonomy?

Discussion, discussion, discussion. Generally, if I am truly uncomfortable with something my partner(s) see that and are willing to adjust. If it is just me or a partner being insecure, we adjust behaviors until we can work through it.

Whether or not it is controlling or insensitive would really depend on the subject matter and what behaviors prompted your request for these boundaries, I think.
 
Do you set boundaries for what your partner(s) can and can't do? Is it controlling to do that? How have you resolved conflicts between a boundary you feel you need, and respecting your partner's rights and autonomy?
There is much on this forum about boundaries if you do a tag search for "boundaries" "lessons" "foundations" and anything else that looks interesting. Its a big topic as it directly falls under one of what I and others consider the pillars of poly. The pillar it fall under would be open and honest communication. The other three, to me, are consideration/empathy/compassion, consent, and integrity.

Boundaries are not set by partners, they are negotiated. Rules are set by partners that can either be agreed upon or not, depending on the situation and the context in which they are made. Compromise is what happens if a boundary can not be agreed upon and there is an uncomfortable and awkward agreement to disagree or just see how it goes until an agreement can be made.

I have made requests that something happen or not happen in situations with partners, as a request for a boundary I have to be respected. I've waited to hear if its a possibility or not. My partner will offer me as much as they can give without jeopardising their own boundaries and I either agree or ask for a modified version of the first request.

The biggest boundary negotiation I had was with my mono boyfriend around my wanting to have sex with my new boyfriend. Its all in my blog during December 2010 onwards (maybe a bit earlier).
 
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As an example:

Boundaries are necessary in any relationship, but they seem to relax as the relationship goes on. I've found that the more rules there are, and the more specific those rules are, the more strain is placed on the relationship. I prefer to have as few boundaries as possible, but for those boundaries to be very strong.

In my two relationships, the boundaries are different. Especially because I swing in one of them, but I'll disregard that for now.

The others include:
No lying/complete honesty
Discuss before emotional/romantic ties with others are made
Always practice safer sex (condoms etc.) outside of fluid bonding
Discuss issues as soon as they develop
Schedule things ahead of time.

But everything is "to each their own." This is just me.

I wouldn't say asking for what you want/need is manipulating or controlling, but make sure that you're asking for it to solve an issue, not just because it makes you feel better momentarily. I mean to say, make sure it's not an arbitrary request. And make sure it is never a demand unless you are willing to lose the relationship for it. Either way, those who have written above me are correct: it's all about compromise, negotiation, and development of needs and wants. You and your partner(s) need to work together to figure out what works for each and all of you.
 
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Yes, setting boundaries can be unreasonable. That's not really your question, though-- you want to know if *your* boundaries are unreasonable.

What sort of thought process led to the creation of your boundaries? What are you trying to prevent? What are you trying to maintain?

Safe sex is a simple enough area, and most of my boundaries are related to that. Those rules keep me physically safe, and give me a way to show respect for my partners and their other partners.

Scheduling is another thing that comes up in my relationships-- certain times, certain days of the week, are devoted to specific relationships. I don't schedule time with X if it's Y's night, and that creates a sense of security for Y (and let's Y know he's important to me). Also, if I make a date, I don't break it unless something really unexpected has come up (sickness, for example). These rules are a way to show respect for a relationship, and to provide emotional security.

I don't have any boundaries in place that restrict who my partners might spend time with, who they might be sexual with, who they might fall in love with, and how intense their other relationships may become. I protect the time and space that they have with me, but I don't restrict what they do when they're away from me (outside of the safe sex agreements).

So what are the specific boundaries you're trying to figure out?
 
Thanks for the thoughtful comments.

strixish, since you asked -- the boundary I asked for was for neither of us to date for a while. The first person my partner tried to date as a secondary was a disaster, and it ended due to an important deception on his part. It ended about a month ago, and my partner raised the issue of trying again with someone new.

I am still too hurt and scared to do it again. His feeling on the matter is that I can do whatever I want, but asking him not to date indefinitely is too controlling.

I feel like it is a necessary boundary. I wish that I did not need it, but unfortunately at this point it is either that or leave the relationship.
 
It sounds like you two really need to talk more about your fears and how you can avoid a disaster again. Asking him not to see someone else doesn't really address the problem of you being scared.

It's okay to be afraid and still move forward. Perhaps some better boundaries would be around how he approaches finding potential other partners, and how quickly he moves forward in those relationships. Something reasonable might be to say you want to meet any potential gf's early on, or that he will not have sex until a time that you two agree on, things like that.

For some ideas from other folks on what kinds of boundaries seem to work for them: What are your boundaries?
 
Set a definite time limit, like a month or so and then that particular boundary is up for re-negotiation after that month. Gives you some breathing room and time to figure out what the real issue is and it gives him a light at the end of the tunnel.
 
Emm, I just got around to reading that link. I think it is not an exaggeration to say it will change my life. I feel like this whole experience has been like drowning and I just got a life raft.
 
Boundaries

I've been meaning to post in one of the "boundaries" threads for a while. Haven't read all of this one (which will be rectified as soon as I post this). But wanted to document where we are now...(since my blog hasn't gotten this far yet).

When Dude and I first "got together" and MrS and I were ironing out what this meant for us - rules were:

Condoms for PIV sex if not amongst us three.

MrS jokingly added - for me: "No anal sex with anyone else if you won't have anal sex with me!" (I've tried, I can't, they will have to get other GF [or BF :eek: ] for this...which is fine! - I don't need details.)

MrS outlined how he envisioned it would go if he met a "potential" (he would keep me abrest of things, especially if they passed the petting/kissing stage and bring her around so I could meet her before they had sex) and it sounded like a good plan. (Side Note = he has been free to do this for the last 20 years and never taken advantage of it...I am somewhat hoping that my relationship with Dude might prompt him to "take the plunge"...)

With regards to Dude...I expect him to let me know if he is having sex with anyone else. If he is with someone and it progresses to the point that he is wanting to "fluid bond" with her (i.e. for-go the condoms) then I/we need to meet her and agree (or it is condoms between us).

Now...after all was said and done MrS came up with a new request based on the realities of our situation. In essence, he would like to be informed if he is going to encounter sexual activity if he opens a door in the house (only the bedroom and bathrooms have doors), so he can be braced for it. Since we live in, essentially, a three room house - bedroom, living-room/den, library/dining-room - that means he would like to be informed if we are having sex. Dude sometimes rankles under this boundary, he sometimes views it as "asking permission" - I view it as "common courtesy"... we are working on it...

From my standpoint - we can't be glaringly obvious when we are in town - as my professional reputation (and job) would be at stake. Nobody is chafing there (although occasional reminders are required).

JaneQ
 
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Now...after all was said and done MrS came up with a new request based on the realities of our situation. In essence, he would like to be informed if he is going to encounter sexual activity if he opens a door in the house (only the bedroom and bathrooms have doors), so he can be braced for it. Since we live in, essentially, a three room house - bedroom, living-room/den, library/dining-room - that means he would like to be informed if we are having sex. Dude sometimes rankles under this boundary, he sometimes views it as "asking permission" - I view it as "common courtesy"... we are working on it...

Just a thought.... You might be able to solve this to the contentment of all with the old "necktie" thing.... If there's a necktie on the doorknob, then there's sex going on and don't open the door. Simple solution. And since MrS only wants to know if he's going to run into sex when he opens a door, and there's only two doors in the house, well, it'd be pretty easy to slip a necktie over the doorhandle. Then Dude won't have to feel like he's "getting permission" from MrS for sex with you, and MrS won't have to walk in on something unexpectedly. You could suggest this to them and see if it would satisfy both their needs.
 
You might be able to solve this to the contentment of all with the old "necktie" thing.... If there's a necktie on the doorknob, then there's sex going on and don't open the door. Simple solution. ... satisfy both their needs.

LOL! That has occurred to me actually :D

The situation is such however that if I open the door to hang a necktie (hmmm...do either of these guys OWN a necktie? :rolleyes:) then MrS is sitting at his computer desk literally 12 feet away so it seems much more natural to just take 6 steps over and TALK to him. I usually say that Dude and I are going to be busy for a while and does he need anything from the bedroom or ask if I get him anything from the kitchen while I am up. And if MrS happens to be in the bedroom (again 6 feet from the door) sometimes when I go in to tell him he will say - oh, if you guys want to wait 5 minutes I was going to get up anyway and you two can have the bed.

I get a kiss and a nuzzle and go into the encounter much more relaxed knowing that MrS is on board. So apparently I ALSO have needs I am trying to meet.:) A few times it happened that Dude was the one to talk to MrS pre-sex (like if I was already in bed) - and I found that that didn't cut it for me - I missed that moment of connection with MrS beforehand and found that it really distracted me. Perhaps I have to work on that.

On the other hand, on the few occasions that MrS was out of the house (with the full understanding that sex would likely occur in his absence) I did notice that there was some increased excitement from the "spontaneous" feel to our encounters so I think that maybe I need to engineer some more instances which allow this to occur. (Difficult right now but may be more possible in the near future).

The adaptations have been many over the past year, I really don't think we will have too many issues ironing this out as well!

Happy Loving everyone!

JaneQ
 
I am poly, and my bf isn't so, I let him do stuff with women that are 'dominatrix' and i kind of have a gf. (according to the rules now, can't call her that, or anything that sounds like that :\ )
I feel I let him do more than he lets me, and all he has to say is "don't let me if you don't like it". But I honestly like it when he enjoys (with some rules that don't matter here since he is not in a relationships with htese women..)
It is hard for him to enjoy when I enjoy since my case 'involves' feelings.

can't be seen kissing outside, when he is not around. Won't even talk about sex as it is probably obvious.
she can't come over for the night when he is not home
now he came up with 'you two hugging while sleeping is bad' and it really upsets me :(
I feel like being shaparoned, but there is no other way at the moment.. he says he needs time, but I don't know if he even does any thinking at that time
 
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Boundaries in poly relationships don't all have to be the same for each person involved. Why is it that so many couples (or triads, vees, quads, etc.) feel that all partners have to have the same exact restrictions when they are separate individuals? Then someone always whines about unfairness when the other person wants something different. People would do better by each assessing what their own personal boundaries are and negotiating from there without thinking that everyone has to abide by the same parameters. Just make sure that it is clear what is acceptable and respectful for YOU.
 
It is not supposed to be the same for both, but if one is considerate of the other more but gets less it kind of sucks. especially if the other one won't discuss normally about changing things..
 
I come back to this topic, and always come to the same conclusion: there is ultimately a difference in my perspective to that of the question. It feels wrong for me to try to talk about "our boundaries" because I feel that for me boundaries are something that are mine, just like decisions about myself are something mine. I feel like any other way of looking at it is giving away some of my autonomy to a partner.

So, I will answer this in terms of what my boundaries are
- I will only accept honest, respectful, and caring behaviour towards myself
- I will aim to be understanding towards myself and others
- I will be considerate of my partners feelings
- If I feel the need to speak about something, I will not let fear (or other emotional barrier) stop or delay the discussion
- I will take care of myself and my need for space and time and autonomy
- I am committed to treasuring and upholding my connection to my partners and to other important people in my life
- I will work with my own issues and will not take other people's issues on myself
- I am committed to knowing (finding out) what I want and living accordingly to that (and by want I don't mean whatever feels good in the moment but more what I feel will be satisfying in the grand scheme of things)
 
Boundaries / Rules to Open Relationship

What are some of the rules that everyone has with their relationships.

Since I already received one negative response, I want to make it clear - these are ALL rules that I have found online at MULTIPLE different "open-relationship" sites that describe rules and boundaries that people have. I am speaking of me being a primary relationship and her having a FWB sort of open relationship.

My girlfriend wants to have open-relationship and not "one night stands" but with people she says are friend and be able to have casual sex to fulfill this "need" she has.
I have always been monogamous so this is already hard for me. I just found out this is what she needs 2 days ago.

These are some things I discussed, I hope to hear what YOUR rules are, as well as what you think about what I have proposed to her:

1. Communication - i want to know when she is going out, and i want to know who it is (maybe even if it is just a name) - she seemed okay with letting me know this

Also asked if I would be able to ask what they did (not sexually) but hanging out as friends because it will help my insecurity and build our relationship - for example, if they go to art museum and she liked/disliked it, i would like to know and maybe thats something WE can also do and share together
- to this she seem a little hesitant, but POSSIBLY open

2. Safe sex - this is obvious - she is always safe, even for the longest time with me.... but what if someone has herpes mouth and there is oral? is it wrong of me to ask her not to allow someone to do something like that to her?

3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this

4. I come first - When I go to sleep I want here to be in bed with me everynight, I dont want to go to bed alone knowing she is sleeping over with someone else. She says after sex (and i know she is like this) she gets tired and sleepy and said she wants to be out til 2-3am ... I want her home by midnight (see next paragraph)... - she doesnt really like this idea, cuz above mentioned

I proposed that at least until I have my first "friend" and understand that maybe she could help my jealousy/insecurity by saying to herself "its midnight she start thinkin of coming home, wrap up and let him know that she needs to get home" - she seemed POSSIBLY okay with this

5. She very secretive about getting text, i got upset yesterday we went shopping and she didnt even know where we parked because she was glued to her phone talking with her "friend" I didnt think this was acceptable because this was "my time with her" - i think she understood, however I/we are not sure how to handle this I mean, I dont want her hiding in another room texting but I dont want her spending 30 min texting this other person ...

I really would like to see these messages but she is pretty much like NO that is controlling ... maybe it is, she password protected her phone, i just want her to be open and i dont care what they talk about but it make me feel better knowing she let me see... she showed me once message the first day we ever talk but i could tell she deleted some of it and she lied (i think) saying she didnt... she also passwords her computer

I am not a snoopy person, but her hiding things like this has turned me into something i dont like, where i feel like i need to sneak peek at her phone or laptop... how do i handle that?

6. Cheating - how / what is cheating at this point? i feel if we communicate boundaries and she doesnt abide by them this would be cheating, however - what do I do if it happens? How do I handle boundaries in a way that I dont make her feel like she is being controlled? - she feels too many boundaries and demands takes away from me embracing this open relationship and confining and controlling her

7. Timeframe - i think she spoke about hanging out with this friend maybe once a week, to me that is a LOT but she says sometimes its not even sexual because it is a "friend" with benefits, so it doesnt always lead to sexual encounter ...

I know if I ask her to see him less that would upset her (she is really against "controlling") but maybe I can get some leeway since this is new to me

8. Ending her relationship with her friend - What can I do if I dont feel like I want her to be with a particular person, or if I feel like maybe she is getting to close, she seems pretty confident that there are ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS and I believe her, but things happen...

9. Someone for me to talk to - she doesnt want anyone to know, she has always been a private person, her culture, not just with this relationship thing but everything about her life, but I NEED someone to talk to cuz this is tough for me to know I have to share her - im not sure if she can be accepting of this

10. She should tell other person she is in relationship - She has stated that she and her 'friend' are clear that they are not mushy mushy or looking for relationship just friendship and casual sex if it comes up, but she doesnt tell them she is in relationship. I would like her to let them know - im not sure why but I think she would not really like this idea, which makes me feel like she is cheating on me

_______________________________________________

So what do you think of my boundaries, am I asking too much. Is it okay to have stricter boundaries for her to be sensitive to my "transitional" period, i think that after I have a so called "friend" encounter of my own, or even after time itself that I would be able to relax more and become more comfortable with all this.

Also, what other rules do you guys/girls maintain that might apply to this particular kind of relationship cuz this open-relationship she wants is a little different in aspects than what I have read online where all partners know everything and talk to each other.
 
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These are some things I discussed, I hope to hear what YOUR rules are, as well as what you think about what I have proposed to her:

We don't really have rules. We do have expectations that have been discussed, though those aren't rules.
1. Communication - i want to know when she is going out, and i want to know who it is (maybe even if it is just a name) - she seemed okay with letting me know this

Also asked if I would be able to ask what they did (not sexually) but hanging out as friends because it will help my insecurity and build our relationship -

I view keeping Curly informed as necessity for scheduling. That's just a practical matter and really doesn't touch on polyamory, specifically. It's the same as if I'm scheduling going for wings with my friend, Bob.

As for your insecurities, those are yours, entirely. Trying to mimic everything they go do isn't going to make you any more attractive to her. If anything, it'll make you seem pathetic and turn her off.
2. Safe sex - this is obvious - she is always safe, even for the longest time with me.... but what if someone has herpes mouth and there is oral? is it wrong of me to ask her not to allow someone to do something like that to her?

We have safe sex as an expectation, simply because we don't want to be involved with anybody who would put us at risk. It's not a rule, though. I just need to know if my wife has had any unprotected sex with somebody else so I can decide what action to take--using protection, myself, until testing shows her safe or leaving the relationship or whatever.

3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this

My wife said that sort of thing after we got together. I pointed out to her that any place I can't bring any guest I choose is *not* my home, so I'd be moving out into a nearby apartment. She doesn't get to choose who my guests are in my home.

So I understand why your gf is upset. You're trying to tell her that she can't choose whom to host in her home. I wouldn't be surprised if she decided that's unacceptable and moves into her own place.
4. I come first - When I go to sleep I want here to be in bed with me everynight, I dont want to go to bed alone knowing she is sleeping over with someone else. She says after sex (and i know she is like this) she gets tired and sleepy and said she wants to be out til 2-3am ... I want her home by midnight (see next paragraph)... - she doesnt really like this idea, cuz above mentioned

She is an adult, correct? You don't get to decide that sort of thing for another adult. You can decide that for your children.

Were somebody to try to tell me what time I had to be home, I'd walk off laughing.
5. She very secretive about getting text, ...

I really would like to see these messages but she is pretty much like NO that is controlling ...

Um...no. Oh, hell, no! Those texts are none of your business.

Were she a friend of mine, I'd be recommending she dump you. That's the sort of red flag that should have people running as far away as possible.
So what do you think of my boundaries, am I asking too much. Is it okay to have stricter boundaries for her to be sensitive to my "transitional" period, i think that after I have a so called "friend" encounter of my own, or even after time itself that I would be able to relax more and become more comfortable with all this.

I think you need to deal with your own issues and keep them as your issues. If you make her deal with them, you can expect only heartache. She's an adult and fully capable of making her own decisions. You can concentrate on figuring out how to find equilibrium as things change or you can try to control and inhibit that change and alienate the person you're trying to develop a relationship with; I'll suggest the former is a preferable course of action.
 
AutumnalTone

Your responses to me feel very one-sided. I entered this relationship monogamously and she knew she wanted an open-relationship but didn't tell me. I only found out because she cheated on me with someone. That to me is unacceptable. However, I am willing to try this to make her happy, but also not be hurt in the process and still be respectful.

As for some of your other responses you are basically describing a different kind of relationship than we/I want. Im not looking for a relationship where Im just there to give her a place to live while she runs off screwing everyone or we have free roam.

From your responses I take it as though you are the type of person that simply wants to do whatever you want without restriction and consequence. She indicates she wants to have a primary relationship with me. Well a primary relationship whether it be monogamous or open should have boundaries.
 
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