What I'm gleaning from this exchange (and I feel so fortunate to be able to hear your perspectives) is that a secondary relationship has the potential to make either person feel less valued.
I believe that's true. BF has said from the beginning that the problems rarely arise even between him and a 'vanilla' girlfriend, but between him and an otherwise single girlfriend. And I sometimes bite my tongue not to say, "Uh...you
can see why that would be, can't you?" He admits there's far too much imbalance.
For me, the
only way it will work is for me to maintain the balance, to maintain God, my children, my work, and myself as my primaries. They all come first, just as his wife will always by necessity come first.
I don't believe in "veto power" and would never allow another person to dictate who I may and may not spend time with, or love,
See, to me, this isn't about dictating, but about two people who care for one another's well-being. BF says he and his wife have more of a veto over the entire open marriage/poly thing than over specific people. I have no problem with this on the grounds that she's his wife. He darn well ought to put her feelings and well-being before mine or even his own. To me, that's what marriage is all about, each person placing the other's good first.
The problem, of course, is that their arrangement affects all the other people they bring into their lives. Which is one reason I question the wisdom of it all, including my own decision to be part of it.
...my relationship with C has had to accommodate several changes of shape (amount of intimacy, amount of time together, kinds of time together) due to my husband's feelings. I've always felt this was inherently "unfair" to C, just as I have felt it was "unfair" to my husband for me to start living polyamorously after many years of monogamy...
Sadly, I have to agree that it is inherently unfair. I see the same thing in what I'm involved in. I fully believe a wife should come first. It would be unfair to her to be told he's busy with a girlfriend. It's unfair to me to expect that I'll just happily continue to take second place for the rest of my life. (And I won't.)
As I said, I see inherent flaws with the whole arrangement. Life involves sacrifices. As I try to teach my children, we can't always have what we want, and BF has been saying almost from the start that he should have kept me out of this, that he was selfish, that he saw, he wanted, he grabbed, not thinking about how any of this would affect me.
I take full responsibility for my choice to say yes to this, but I also believe he's 100% right to take responsibility for
his decision
to open that door. It was a really hard door
not to walk through, for many reasons.
I will add here--because I truly do not mean to be critical of anyone on this board or of polyamory in general--that the reason I keep saying yes is that he
is offering me many good things, comfort, love, support, a break from kids, encouragement. I feel I'm learning a great deal from him, such as how to talk and be more open and trusting, after years of dealing with a messed-up family and then a messed-up husband, where those things are highly discouraged, even to the point of physical abuse.
but I've tried (and sometimes failed) to let each of them know how much I value them.
I often feel very valued by BF. But I think what's always there, not even very much at the back of my mind, is that if she and I were in a car accident and in critical condition--he's going to go to her first.
And he should. This is the crux of the problem. I suppose one could say the chances of such a thing are next to zero, lol, but it doesn't change the fact that in a crunch, he will go to her first.
I see the dead end in this now.
When C gets back from camping, I want to walk to him about ways I can still feel valued in spite of the inevitable loss of this relationship, and ways I can help him feel valued in spite of his "secondary" status in my life.
But see, the thing is, it's not just about feeling valued. It's about the future, about all the things I mentioned in a previous post, about bringing someone home to family, marriage, living together, spending time with kids or grandchildren together, knowing someone will
be there if you're in desperate need, knowing you can call someone in a crunch rather than knowing you can't interrupt their family time, pooling finances for a better life for both, retirement, having some care for you, having someone to care for....these things are equally or more important than feeling valued at any give moment.