Advice on making the first move

Newlypoly

New member
So, I moved to San Diego and had no friends here. When my kid started school I became friends with her friends parents. One of them is a beautiful bisexual woman who is an ethically nonmonogamous relationship with her husband. My husband and I had not made it to that point of our relationship. She introduced me to the lifestyle, explained it to me and suggested I talk to my husband about it, we did and decided that we would try it out. . I am very attracted to her and would like to move things to the next step. My drawback is that I am very awkward when it comes to that and don't know what to say, without being straightforward and telling her that I'd like to, and don't know if it would appropriate because our kids are friends and attend the same school and just so happen to be in the same class. I'm stuck because I would love to have more with her but am too scared and goofy to say anything without embarrassing myself. Any suggestions?
 
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How did it go with your talk with your husband? How long have you known her and how much time do you spend together? When she says lifestyle, is she referring to swinging?
 
I edited my original and our talk went well. Poly not swinging and I have known her for a little over a year. We have been seeing more and more of each other lately, like weekly meet ups, have drinks, discuss politics, etc. We are going or for drinks on Saturday and I'm hoping to be able to say something to her but I'm not really sure how to say that I would like more than a friendship with her.
 
One approach may be to steer conversations in the direction of poly relationships, ethical non-monogamy ... and such. In the context of such conversations you may find out whether she may be interested in you in this way. If need be, try simply placing your hand on her hand and gazing into her eyes. :):eek:
 
How exciting!

Yes, if you haven't already told her about your discussion and your availability, that would be the first step. I'd be honest, and thank her for introducing you to the idea. Maybe admit that she's the reason you had the discussion? You could explain this is new to you and you don't know how to proceed in general, see how she responds.

I'm super shy about those things sometimes, too. So if it were me, I'd announce that I'm available one day then give her time to think before making my next move/straight up announcing my interest.

Then again, if she feels free to say no without alienating you I hear being direct is usually best. Will you be ok if she's not interested?
 
She knows about the discussion, she doesn't know that she was the reason lol. I think there is a mutual attraction and we have both announced availability and that is how we arranged to go out Saturday. I will definitely try to bring up our relationships and see where it goes from there.
I am totally fine with her telling me no. It would be disappointing but I am okay with it. My perception of her is that she would be okay with saying no without alienating, but you never know. My biggest fear is that it would damage the relationship our kids have with each other. That is really my only concern.
 
FWIW, it sounds to me like the "first move(s)" is already past.

Now, if you're enjoying the fantasy, & can maintain that, then there's no reason that it needs to "go somewhere." Continue dating (or whatever you want to call it).

If you want to pursue it further then... well, that's pretty much what ANY nascent relationship is like, including the possibility that it's not going to "go somewhere." You're in NRE, possibly one-sided.

Speaking for myself, I don't like suspense, & I also often misread. I'd probably say, "Look, this is somewhat awkward for me to say, but I find you really attractive, & it's coloring my interaction with you. If you're just not interested, I'm cool with that, & would appreciate if you'd set me straight so that I can properly enjoy being your friend."
 
My biggest fear is that it would damage the relationship our kids have with each other. That is really my only concern.

Well, certainly the kids have no need to know that there's something more than platonic friendship between you. Not at first, anyway, of course. And not for a long while, perhaps. If ever.

If you and your friend grow very close, the kids will eventually pick up on the energy of it. But that need not be a problem. At some juncture you may have to just "come out" with the kids. But I don't think you should let that bother you now. Cross that bridge when and if you get to it.
 
Hi. How comfortable is your husband with poly? How much time have you guys spent discussing opening up or what resources have you found useful so far? What do you see as your and your husband's biggest challenges going forward?

Finally, would your husband pursue relationships with others as well?

We always love helping out people new to poly, but if you think there's specific things you might struggle with, we can recommend some articles tailored to your needs.
 
Re (from Newlypoly):
"I ... don't know if it would appropriate because our kids are friends and attend the same school and just so happen to be in the same class."

Maybe this is something to give more thought to before anything else.
 
Re (from Newlypoly):


Maybe this is something to give more thought to before anything else.


That is what I have been thinking about. A lot. I plan on maybe just grazing the subject and see her reaction. I'm goofy by nature, so I was thinking along the lines of "wouldn't it be funny if...".
 
So, I moved to San Diego and had no friends here. When my kid started school I became friends with her friends parents. One of them is a beautiful bisexual woman who is an ethically nonmonogamous relationship with her husband. My husband and I had not made it to that point of our relationship. She introduced me to the lifestyle, explained it to me and suggested I talk to my husband about it, we did and decided that we would try it out. . I am very attracted to her and would like to move things to the next step. My drawback is that I am very awkward when it comes to that and don't know what to say, without being straightforward and telling her that I'd like to, and don't know if it would appropriate because our kids are friends and attend the same school and just so happen to be in the same class. I'm stuck because I would love to have more with her but am too scared and goofy to say anything without embarrassing myself. Any suggestions?

When you meet up with her next, bring up the poly dynamic and look for more advice from her... ask about her policies on seeing friends. From there you can at least insinuate interest.. you can always say "I'd like to pursue these feelings I have for you but I understand if our circumstances won't allow for that." That way you're giving her the option to decline while also telling her how you feel. You can't control whether she feels the same way but you can at least put the idea in her head...
 
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