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  #11  
Old 05-22-2020, 07:34 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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HUGE red flag that the kids are that low of a priority! My kid is with me 50% or more of the time I spend with my (not live in but not really long distance) boyfriend. Ignoring a partner because of nre is bad, but ignoring your kids is neglect.

Why did the two of you open up anyway? Was it a mutual decision? Was it coerced? Was it to try to fix something? Is it something one or both of you have wanted for a while.
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  #12  
Old 05-22-2020, 08:47 PM
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How long does it take for this nre to wear off and she returrns to nornal again? whay can I do to advocate for more of her time. When she talks to him shes sweet and soft, giggling, smiling non stop, she never ever does that with me and its driving me crazy, is it normal and how do I deal with it?

Please read this, and share it with your wife.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...is-how-deal-it
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  #13  
Old 05-23-2020, 08:49 AM
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IanK IanK is offline
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Thanks for the info, I will get her to read some stuff on NRE's and research more on a succesfull poly relationship. I have to learn to be competely ok with this.
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  #14  
Old 05-23-2020, 01:25 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Thanks for the info, I will get her to read some stuff on NRE's and research more on a succesfull poly relationship. I have to learn to be competely ok with this.
Not sure what you mean by "this" but her neglecting you and the kids and relying on you to pick up the slack with parenting, doesn't sound great and isn't something you have to be completely ok with! It's understandable that you're not okay with this. What are you willing to accept? Can you speak up about what you need and want? She doesn't have to meet your needs but you don't have to put up with what's being dished out.

It might be time to think about separation, even for a trial period. Having an escape plan can make it easier to have confidence in stating your needs in a situation.
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  #15  
Old 05-23-2020, 08:11 PM
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She left me for a guy in Norway, then 5 weeks later wanted to come back, when she came back she wanted to be with him. She wants both of us. I agreed to this as the only way to save our marriage. I am going to speak up. I have no escape plan. Iam affraid if I speak up she will leave again. Its like I go with it or shes gone.
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  #16  
Old 05-24-2020, 06:11 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I wonder if her leaving you for the guy in Norway, shook your basic faith in the security of the marriage. So now you feel like you can't even speak up for yourself, or she will leave, and maybe this time she won't come back. She has really painted you into a corner, you have no good options, except to be okay with this.
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  #17  
Old 05-24-2020, 06:44 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IanK View Post
She left me for a guy in Norway, then 5 weeks later wanted to come back, when she came back she wanted to be with him. She wants both of us. I agreed to this as the only way to save our marriage. I am going to speak up. I have no escape plan. Iam affraid if I speak up she will leave again. Its like I go with it or shes gone.
Can you see yourself living this reality year after year?

You have to find some middle ground, or an amicable divorce and co-parenting arrangement.
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  #18  
Old 05-25-2020, 02:00 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Poly never fixes a broken relationship. It just magnifies the issues.
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  #19  
Old 05-25-2020, 02:15 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IanK View Post
How long does it take for this nre to wear off and she returrns to nornal again?
Because they are long distance, the thrill of being in a new relationship can be very durable. It has been my experience that new relationship energy is something that comes with most sexual associations, and is only calmed down when enough "reality" time is spent with someone for the rose tinted glasses to come off. When a relationship is allowed to exist without this overload of reality to dull the excitement... that shit can really drag out.

As far as her getting back to "normal again", you may need to start adjusting your expectations on that particular mark. Normal is just an expression of the way things have been in recent history. However, when things change significantly or for a long enough period of time... that is the new normal. There is no guarantee that the relationship you have with this person will snap back to a previous save point.

With any luck your relationship will reach a new point of flourishing, but that isn't something that is destined to happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IanK View Post
whay can I do to advocate for more of her time.
Advocating for something just means speaking up and making your desires known, it doesn't mean that you get it. So in this instance, asking her on a date (whatever that looks like for the two of you) would be an example of advocating for some of her time. Keep in mind that she may not be into it, and may prefer to spend her free time chatting with her new friend.

I suggest using an approach that is inviting (as opposed to work, or extortion), and being a good receiver regardless of what response you get.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IanK View Post
When she talks to him shes sweet and soft, giggling, smiling non stop, she never ever does that with me and its driving me crazy, is it normal and how do I deal with it?
It's normal to be jealous, envious, and insecure... yes. It isn't something that I recommend leaning on as a healthy way to live your life, but it's certainly a normal hazard that we all encounter here and there.

I recommend stepping away from concepts like "she treats him one way, but treats me another, and it's not fair". She is treating him the way she is, because that is her association with him. She treats you the way she does, because that's her association with you. These two things aren't supposed to look alike, and they most likely won't.

Instead, focus on what it is about your association with her that you do like. Do you like things about your association with her? Do you guys have interests in common and things you enjoy talking about? Are there activities that you both enjoy doing together?
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  #20  
Old 05-25-2020, 02:20 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IanK View Post
She left me for a guy in Norway, then 5 weeks later wanted to come back, when she came back she wanted to be with him. She wants both of us. I agreed to this as the only way to save our marriage. I am going to speak up. I have no escape plan. Iam affraid if I speak up she will leave again. Its like I go with it or shes gone.
Oh yikes! I should always finish reading the thread before I respond.

It looks like you are starting a brand new life. You are either going to join her on her journey, or you are going to let her go on her journey and start a new one on your own.

Either way I expect you have quite a few hurdles to overcome in the near future. Sorry man, that's got to be tough and I truly wish you all of the best.
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