A gf for us to share

There is little in the way of stats...

Yes you are right, I am not actually talking of 'real' stats. But nor was I talking about the success or lack of success in triads! My point was we often see people who have experienced triads for any length of time and wish to form another one but they are exclusively members of a previously established couple, some of which have had terrible experiences in triads and still come back for more because (apparently) the "third" was psycho bitch monster from hell...it wasn't them, no Siree!!!! Nor was it the configuration, it was all her and the fact that she wasn't the right third (perhaps she just wasn't doing her job of loving both equally or knowing her place?).

My question is...if it is such a great deal for the HBB where are all the HBB who have been a "third" in a Poly-fi triad who wants to experience it again?
There are precious few experienced bisexual women who want it at all.
Even less who are Poly experienced, so how many who are Poly-fi triad experienced will enter another one?

I am really curious here because in all my years making a nuisance of myself on Poly forums/personals/meet ups I have never, ever seen it.

Natja
 
I'll speak up...

At one time I was a unicorn. Single, mother, owned my own home, and LOVED being the unicorn. It suited me perfectly..

IF I were to be single again, it would be something I would do again.

Nancy
 
I'll speak up...

At one time I was a unicorn. Single, mother, owned my own home, and LOVED being the unicorn. It suited me perfectly..

IF I were to be single again, it would be something I would do again.

Nancy

Oooh thank you, so we have one! Though I wonder whether your established roots with your own home etc would disqualify you from certain seekers who are disinterested unless you are willing and able to 'relocate to share their home.....'

Ah but this is important yanno!! ;)
 
At the time I was a "unicorn" (though I had no idea of the term) the couple I was involved with, owned their own home and had a child (a two bedroom home: one theirs, one the child's) and I had my own home and children. So living together was not an interest or doable for the three of us.
 
At the time I was a "unicorn" (though I had no idea of the term) the couple I was involved with, owned their own home and had a child (a two bedroom home: one theirs, one the child's) and I had my own home and children. So living together was not an interest or doable for the three of us.

What you mean you were not invited to live with them and share their bedroom? You mean they....respected your autonomy and right to privacy?

Blimey....I am impressed.
 
What you mean you were not invited to live with them and share their bedroom? You mean they....respected your autonomy and right to privacy?

Blimey....I am impressed.

Yeah that's nice! I know one couple trolling around my local cl posts that their gf would be required to share their bed and pay 1/2 rent. Um if I'm paying rent with 2 othet adults its going to be 1/3 and you bet ill have my own room!
 
Yeah that's nice! I know one couple trolling around my local cl posts that their gf would be required to share their bed and pay 1/2 rent.!

Sign me up. A deal like that comes around once in a lifetime. Does it say "must have own transportation and "enjoy caring for" children and large dogs", too?
 
Sign me up. A deal like that comes around once in a lifetime. Does it say "must have own transportation and "enjoy caring for" children and large dogs", too?

Don't forget that they WILL be required to help out with the family business and have children for the family too....

1/2 the rent eh? What a classy pair.....:rolleyes:
 
Support,

Using language such as finding a gf for you and your spouse as a couple, is the type of langauge that people will be quick to point out is not a good attitude to have. And in truth, they are correct because very rarely does a triad relationship work, at least not one where it can be successfully done by "looking" for a certain person.

It's technically not possible

The reason that it is impossible is because there is no way to predict the countless variables and cicurmstances that get thrown at the lives of people who are in any relationship. Some people believe there is nothing they cannot handle, and while that may be true, it's very rare. But it isn't about whether or not you can handle whatever cicrumstance life throws at you, the whole point is that in order to stay upright, so to speak, in order to "handle" all that life can throw at you requires "action" meaning you must do something to deal with it.

So the fact is that it is statistically impossible to create a personal add, find the unicorn, and have a triad that looks and feels anything like you desired before you met the person and began actually interacting.

So, to be clear, the two sides of the argument taking place on your thread is confusing and will never be sorted out because the two sides are talking about two different things, but we all won't cop to it.

You will not be able to theoretically "design" or dream up the way a true triad will be configured and work for you in your life. It requires so much flexibility with what actually has to happen, it is impossible to have it happen in a way that is acceptable for all parties involved. When you are talking about a triad that doesn't change -- in drastic ways -- at any point from the start, it doesn't happen. Because of this, 100% of the time the changes in the dynamic are not a relationship that all three will find as acceptable to continue.

THIS IS DEVASTATING TO ALL INVOLVED

it may quite possibly be the best way to throw two out of three people into dabilitating bouts of severe depression that cannot be cured by medication

For some reason, this cannot be foreseen by the unicorn nor the couple who hunt it. That is the jist of what some people are trying to make sure they did their best to at least warn you of what is going to happen

So going into it without looking for the "unicorn" which is by definition the hot bi babe that will love you both, be in a relationship with you both doesn't happen.

The reason that some people get so seemingly worked up about this topic is, that in virtually all cases, the details that a woman is willing to be the gf (the hard rules and guidelines that there is no breaking) is never what both spouses can accept as a married couple together. It really does always come down to only one knowing for sure that bottom line can be met, and one always finds out that the relationship as it stands is not something they can live with.

And it is a very destructive force in peoples lives

to be semantically correct, any relationship that works is a little more casual than most people accept for being poly.

They are technically correct

There is an unsolvable paradox that exists, the quickest way to explain it without highjackin your thread (which I have already passed that line long ago) is that NOBODY can have Love themselves and maintain respect for themselves when they are treated in ways by others that are not loving and not respectful. The only way a person can be in any relationship (it doesn't have to include sex, it can just be ANY relationship) you can only be in a close relationship with people who treat you with respect, people who honor your person, people who communicate Love in a language that you are capable of understanding.

Love is NOT a universal language that we all speak. The reality is at this point in time, it is much closer to each of US having our own unique and undecipherable to others, language that nobody that only ourselves is fluent in. It is NOT just a spoken and written language.

Love is a language that has so many different context and textures that include all the senses (sight, sound, taste, smell, touch) and it also includes concepts that todays psychology and the industry experts are oblivious to the very existence of because it is along the lines of things much less tangible and not measureable with instruments that quantify, so the emotional senses and all the different minute details that accurately define the Language of Love as it Is real, is not currently known by very many people. It isn't a book that can be written and even if it is, it is not one that should be sold for profit as at this point, humans in general are too stupid to not have the knowledge completely destroy Love on this planet forever.

Love is Nuclear, and despite what NASA would have you believe we are all stuck here until it is time to leave which is in no way in your control.

Love is potentially more dangerous and destructive than any bomb science can produce or any toxic poison that can pollute because Love in a much more comprehensive way that includes the spiritual component of it, when combined with the ignorance of the living, is capable of delivering final death, or THE END to an entire branch and often the entire tree of life in the greater scheme of things.

The is no "correct" way to do the right thing, the only way is to do it honestly, but nothing can be further from the truth than to use that fact as an excuse to live any way you want, as not living responsibly is the long and drawn out way to spiritual death, it's the road the world in currently on
 
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At the time I was a "unicorn" (though I had no idea of the term) the couple I was involved with, owned their own home and had a child (a two bedroom home: one theirs, one the child's) and I had my own home and children. So living together was not an interest or doable for the three of us.

Um, Nancy, you were not a unicorn, in my opinion. First of all, unicorns are mythical creatures, and I assume you are real, since you were actually able to type that message!

No one is saying there is no such thing as a bisexual woman who would like to be, or has been, in relationships with a M/F couple. The term is really not meant to apply to the woman in that position, if it happens and all works out. But it is meant as an admonition to couples who expect so much more than just both of them concurrently being involved in a relationship with a bi woman. When they come here and say, "We are looking for someone to add to our relationship, a woman who will love us both equally, move in with us, share our hearts and home, help raise our children but never get pregnant herself, share in the housework, and understand that we can never be "out" to our family or community," and so on, then people will say, "You're hunting for a unicorn!" to tell them they are totally unrealistic and living in Fantasy-Land.

But that doesn't mean that any bi woman who gets involved with a couple is a unicorn!!! Please! It's meant to poke fun at the couples who have the relationship all planned out before they actually meet the person, like fitting a jigsaw puzzle together, not be a label that a woman actually adopts. The sad thing is that the couples most blinded to reality think it is a term of endearment and then they say, "Oh, where is our unicorn? Why is it so hard to find someone?" Ugh, they just really don't get it.
 
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Um, Nancy, you were not a unicorn, in my opinion. First of all, unicorns are mythical creatures, and I assume you are real, since you were actually able to type that message!

I am sure Nancy was only using Unicorn because I used it. Mind you I was thinking more along the lines of the stereotypical bells and whistles on 'Unicorn' as sought by our proverbial Unicorn Hunting couple as you describe.
 
When they come here and say, "We are looking for someone to add to our relationship, a woman who will love us both equally, move in with us, share our hearts and home, help raise our children but never get pregnant herself, share in the housework, and understand that we can never be "out" to our family or community," and so on, then people will say, "You're hunting for a unicorn!" to tell them they are totally unrealistic and living in Fantasy-Land.

But that doesn't mean that any bi woman who gets involved with a couple is a unicorn!!! Please! It's meant to poke fun at the couples who have the relationship all planned out before they actually meet the person, like fitting a jigsaw puzzle together, not be a label that a woman actually adopts. The sad thing is that the couples most blinded to reality think it is a term of endearment and then they say, "Oh, where is our unicorn? Why is it so hard to find someone?" Ugh, they just really don't get it.

There are bisexual women who would be willing to be part of a triad. Before I married-I was. My boyfriend and my now ex-girlfriend, I would have HAPPILY "married" both as their "HBB". What ended that option had NOTHING to do with poly/love. It was a simple matter of being young, she left for college and in college found that there were millions of other people in hundreds of other places that she wanted to explore-and neither he or I at that time-were in financial positions to follow her. *bummer*

But-the issue isn't in wanting to find a dream.
The issue is in remembering that you can't plan for the dream-to-reality; when the dream involves another person, until such time as that person is there to put their input in about what THEIR part of the dream/reality looks like.

So-what happens if the two of you meet a FUCKING AWESOME woman. TOTALLY amazing! You both fall in love with her, she's open to the idea, but as things fall into place, she only falls in love with one of you?
 
Let me try to answer some of the questions posed here: Referring to our previous "unicorn" or HBB, she started as a long term mutual friend who developed a deeper relationship with my wife and I slowly over time. She is still around and we are all close, but not to the extent as before (we don't live together). We were not seeking this out, it just happened naturally and fit everybody well. Actively searching for a situation like this would be much harder (puzzle piece/ jigsaw). Thanks for all the insight everybody, don't worry about thread jacking, post away. You people are very passionate about the subject, and amusing if nothing else.
 
Thanks for all the insight everybody, don't worry about thread jacking, post away. You people are very passionate about the subject, and amusing if nothing else.

LOL. Sometimes, people think that the folks who are "against" unicorn-hunting are "bitter" either because they were involved with a couple and had a bad experience, or because they WERE part of a unicorn-hunting couple and had a bad experience, or no experience. I find it amusing when people think that.

Otherwise, this is a topic that won't go away because just LOOK at how many posts there are on this forum alone (in the Dating & Friendships section) that are basically unicorn-hunter templates. When people such as Natja and others say things like, "triads are rare", then people pop up posting here saying they've been in a MFF triad for years, compare that to the number of couples out there WANTING a triad and THEN say it isn't "rare".
 
That's pretty much it. We will not search since it is so rare. We are open to building something if the situation grows organically. We are happy as we are now and not lacking.
 
When couples are looking for that hot bi girlfriend, the problem is the way they talk about it. They say things like, "We should get a girlfriend," just like another couple might say, "We should get a puppy" or "We should get a new sofa." A new accessory to enhance their life--and even if they don't mean it that way, when they phrase it that way, that's how it comes across. And it shows they haven't put enough thought into it.

If a friend of yours who was single said, "I want to get a girlfriend," you would look at him oddly and say, "What do you mean, 'get' a girlfriend? You don't just go to a store and pick one out. Do you mean that you want to get out there and meet women and go on dates and see if you click with someone? 'Cause that's how you 'get' a girlfriend."

When couples want to date as a couple, somehow they forget how DATING works.
 
I don't think people actively seek out friends, it just happens. In dating, you do. We are just open to friends who are open to a little more, maybe closer friendship. All of the females that have come closer to us in our circle have been friends first. My wife just brought up the scenario to tell me that she misses that extra connection/ bond that we sometimes share with another girl.
 
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