Oh where to start...

Random

New member
Hi All,

I am new here, but have been reading your posts for awhile now- research! It's too overwhelming for me to go into the long story, so I decided to start with the short story and question.

I have been dating a married man for almost 2 years, with his wife's knowledge and blessing. We have been a bit on and off- things initially were meant to be a FWB situation, but evolved into more of a love affair. It was much more intense than either of us anticipated. But my god- the chemistry is amazing. He is my best friend and I love him dearly.

In the beginning, I think the intention would be that we all become good friends- his wife doesn't seem to have many girl friends (just friends, not sexual). As things have progressed (long, long story) I have found that I am not really fond of his wife. I don't dislike her, but she just isn't a person I can see having a close friendship with. The only thing we have in common is the love of him.

Of course, my feelings complicate matters- bf would be best served if we were all buddies. My question is- can this situation succeed if I am not a huge fan of his wife? I think bf feels offense that I am not a fan of hers?

I do struggle with jealousy from time to time ( he doesn't have much free time, it is hard for us to see each other), but have been working hard to bring my thinking around to more positive and productive thinking..

I appreciate you all so much.
 
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I don't get that you're not a fan of his wife, just that if you weren't dating him, you wouldn't have reason to hang out with his wife unless you happened to be coworkers or something.

I've been having some talks about this subject myself lately. Perhaps if you ask him if his wife has a friend that he likes well enough but doesn't have anything in common with - does he feel obliged to hang out with both of them and be her friend just because his wife likes her? Not sure if his wife dates, but if she dated somebody who's a vegetarian golfer and he's a carnivorous football lover, isn't it enough that he likes and respects the guy, does he feel he should hang out with somebody he doesn't feel a good friendship with just because his wife would like it?

I'd just probably reiterate to him that I think shes a wonderful person and I don't mind being around her at ALL, but that Id be doing a disservice to everybody trying to force a good friendship when there just isn't the basis for one.
 
Thank you Anne for your response. I like your idea/example that you provided. At times, I almost feel like it is "you had better be friends with her, or she will not allow this to continue". I tend to give in to whatever they want to do (nothig sexual, this is all public stuff- dinners, movies, going places) The pressure of it wears on me.

Because I am new, I was curious if anyone else had dealt with a controlling primary, as a secondary?
I have looked through many posts, and have not seen this situation much. In the beginning of our relationship, I would receive schedules for everything. When I would see him, when she would have him home, etc. I struggled with it- I tend to be a more spontaneous and easy going person. But went along, as it was easier to know what was happening. But I never was able to lose the feeling that she was bossing me around- that I needed her permission to do anything. Has anyone dealt with this before?

Thanks xoxo
 
2 very important comments

Hi Random.

How much experience did this couple have with secondaries before you came into their lives? Is the wife experienced at secondaries falling in love with her husband? To me you made 2 very important comments that need to be explored with HIM:

1. I think bf feels offense that I am not a fan of hers?
2. At times, I almost feel like it is "you had better be friends with her, or she will not allow this to continue".

I would be open and share those concerns with him. Maybe they are coming from a real place that needs to be dealt with.

The fact that your feelings for him are increasing balanced with no desire for a relationship with her could be trouble.

My relationship started similarly although she and I were friends and she was actually the one that invited me in. I have limited experience outside of this couple, but after 5 years I can tell you this. As my relationship got deeper with her husband she became more defensive and needy.
 
Hi W2BE,

Thank you for you response. I had been reading your story on here (prior to seeing your post), let me start by saying- I am so sorry for what you have gone through.

Neither of us have had any experience in poly- myself or bf and his wife. So this has all been trial by fire for sure. But the idea of this was hers- she brought it up to him. I guess they had discussed it in the past, and when she met me (bf and I were in school together, we were all out celebrating passing the tests from hell) she suggested that he bring it up to me.

I have always had a hard time communicating my needs in relationships, and I realize that communication is a key component in successful relationships, especially poly relationships. I have been working on it!

I am trying to get the courage to have a conversation with the bf- I do not believe that he is capable of fulfilling my needs in our relationship, due mainly to time and family commitments. He is just not available to me enough. So I want to have the discussion about me seeing other people, but I do not wish to give up our relationship. I love him, and the idea of losing him gives me such a pain in my chest- I do. It want to lose him.

I do not think he will be opposed to the idea, but am not sure. I do know that if I am allowed to seek to fulfill my needs with another partner, it will take a lot of pressure off of our situation!

Thank you all so much for your wisdom xoxox
 
Similarities

Random, thanks for sharing. Your latest message, you've every right to pursue other relationships. Of course, you need to communicate this desire and evaluate your current guy's reaction; but I cannot see how, in a healthy relationship (overall), he could refuse. After all, he has his wife! He may have reasons, but I cannot see that in the end, long-term, they would be valid reasons to refuse your request.

My own scenario is, or was to start, similar to that of the wife in this story. As a gay man in a 4-year relationship, recently engaged, I didn't expect it, to say the least. And, similarly to the wife here, I felt that I needed to be better friends with the "new guy" (or gal, in your case) so that I could understand, appreciate and love the relationship. I felt that, unless I knew the new guy fairly well, it would be next to impossible to feel compersion (I find that an ugly word; these days, I prefer empathy or compassion, in the PASSION sense).

And you know what. I was at least partly right. Because you know what? I think you can probably look at the wife and see what's good in her. I think you can (should be able to) have a great chat with your guy about what he sees in her and why he (presumably) loves her so much. This DOES NOT mean that it will be stuff you have in common - heck knows. But you might learn a thing or two, and no doubt she can learn some great things from you, two.

I think we discount the opportunity to make new friends too readily. Yes, we may have full lives. In your case, it may help the relationship grow, so it may be worth the effort.

On a final note. If you really can't see good qualities in her, and/or he can't explain clearly to you what those good qualities are ("I just love her, don't question it!" Hmm...), you may need to question your guy's judgment. If he's so in love with a difficult to get along with person - a girl you wouldn't even be FRIENDS with - what does that tell you about him? (Not in a judgmental way - merely in a "is this a guy who is right for me as a major life partner" way.)

Good luck exploring your options, and sending you good vibes,
-A
 
Hi Octovus,

I agree with you- I do not see how he can have an objection to me seeing someone else. But I don't want him to "freak out" for lack of a better term! I am planning on having a conversation with him about it, before I do anything. I feel like he gets the best of the 2 worlds right now- happy marriage, sex and fun with gf. But I don't feel like I am getting much of a return on MY investment:) I need more attention. And feel selfish for thinking that way, when I know he would if circumstances allowed it...

Re: his wife- I have made attempts at friendship, and it is surprising to me because generally I make friends very easily. There have been a few instances in our past where she treated me badly (well ill just say it- she was a biatch), and I am just not very interested in spending time with her. And I can see why he loves her- she does everything for him (to the point where I stop and say- hmmm, I could never live with him- helpless man!), is smart, a good mother etc.

I am sure some of my feelings come from jealousy, as I said earlier- I am working on that as well.

Thanks for you thoughts, I really appreciate it.
 
Hi Random,

I really like your thread - it is very interesting to me. I don't know the wife, or you, or the man-hinge, so I'm only going on what I can see!

Liking Metamours
I'll let you into a secret.... I live with my girlfriend and her husband. We are both her primaries, but we are not involved with each other. From the start, he has wanted a close bond with me. My GF also tried to force, or assume, a platonic love situation. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever get there.

He's a nice guy really and has accepted me into their lives commendably. On the plus side, he can be lighthearted and very generous. On the bad side, he is often needy, overly-physical, inappropriate, unaware of boundaries, can be very miserly, can be extremely moody, very messy to live with, lots going on in his head, doesn't communicate well. We have very little in common and I, like you, used to wonder if our situation would work.

Two years in, I've settled my feelings and see it this way - as long as we can get along ok, not antagonise each other and just live in harmony, that's a good start. When relationships are forced between metamours (which is understandably the case - our hinges love us both and want their two favourite people to get along!) it can make it even harder. I hate being forced.. I am stubborn ;) I'm not saying all this to bitch him out... I'm saying it to show that it IS ok to accept that your metamour just isn't a person you'd choose as a best friend.

How frosty your relationship is will obviously effect the future... but, I see something very positive in your relationship. You've already said you probably wouldn't want to live with him. I applaud you for your realism! So... actually... you are in a situation that could very well work out for the best!!

Early Poly Mistakes

My GF and I refer to the first 6 months of our poly journey, and the lovers we lost, as Casualties of Poly Hell. Like you, the three of us went into poly together with little previous experience. It's like three blind mice trying to lead each other.

It's very, very, very common for people to be overly-controlling at the start of poly. You want guidelines, you want to go at a steady pace, you don't want to mess up by going too far too fast. Some of us are more controlling than others. We cling to control when we feel that something is slipping away from us. Now, none of us would have ever sent each other's external partners schedules; but we have discussed schedules between ourselves - i.e. let's only see other people once a week. Was she being a bitch or could she not trust hubby to be honest with you, or her, about certain things? I've read a lot of threads recently about hubby following his peeny-weeny and not wanting to get involved in fights between wife and girlfriend... so burying his head in the sand and not really being clear with anyone. If your BF needs everything to be done for him, or if he has chosen a controlling partner... there's probably something in that!

How is the controlling, regarding yourself, nowadays?

Ways to Work With Your Metamour
If you are going to stay in the relationship, you don't HAVE to like the wife. BUT... if you do happen to stumble upon a way to feel easier about her, surely it's good for you in the long run, right?

So... start with forgiveness. Understand that she felt the need to control because she was insecure and scared. Understanding that someone isn't a power-house can make them much less of a monster in your mind. It doesn't mean she always acted the right way; but it does mean that you can look beyond her actions and see her motivations. If I can't stand someone, but can see their fear, I start to feel sorry for them, which cools down my animosity.

Next, remember that women are competitive creatures. I don't care what they say about men - I think women are the ones to watch!! You've said it yourself - you've felt jealous about her; so of course she'd feel jealous about you. If anything, she'd be incredibly threatened by you, because their relationship started long before you came along.

Thirdly, remember that just because someone suggests something, doesn't mean they're going to be 100% ok with it. Have you ever suggested a restaurant that sounded good, dragged other people along, then found out that the food was awful? Or a film, or a holiday destination, etc? Something can seem like a great idea until it smacks you in the face. You also have the added responsibility that YOU were the one that suggested this thing... so how can you possibly have a problem with it now? Better hurry up and get on board! Rushed = guilt = stress.

Fourth, look to your own behaviour. Are you being nice? You say your boyfriend knows you don't like his wife.... how much have you said? It might be time to consider being more diplomatic and keeping some of your opinions on a more neutral basis.... only talking to her about issues between the two of you, instead of putting him in the middle (if you ever have). Even if she bitches you out to him all the time and you know it - be the better person and keep a little quiet.

If you can look at all of these things, you might find that it becomes easier to think of your long term future with him.

Now, on his part, he also needs to cut you some slack. Perhaps you can show him some of the threads on the forums about metamour like-levels. You could even ask the question here - "how much do you like your metamour? would you be happier if they weren't around? If you have multiple lovers, how much do you expect them to get on?" Then show him that.

How often are you asked to go out with them as a group? If she doesn't like you much, what's the point of that? To make himself feel better, burying his head in the sand? ;)

One thing my girlfriend did raise with me a few months ago was the family dynamic. I'd signed up to live with them as a V and be a second mommy to their toddler. That means I can't just expect weekends away with my GF, alone, all the time. I was starting to expect it, because I'm just not that excited to spend time with her husband... and she pointed it out to me. She made me think and it was good. I can suck it up and spend time with him, because it makes her happy and it's what I signed up for - she's not single, she has extras.

Now, if I didn't live with them, it would be a slightly different story. She'd probably still want us to do things as a three (or four, with toddler) and I would still do it, to make her happy, even if I had little interest in it. But would I do it every weekend? No. Would I do it more than I spent time with her alone? No.

So... my questions... :)

How often do you currently see BF? How often would you like to see him? Middle ground - how often do you think is possible and fair with your arrangement and his commitments?

How often do you see wife? Do you ever see her alone, or always with him? How often would you like?

You are right though.... you are responsible for vocalising your needs and I do know it can be awkward and uncomfortable to do so. If you realise your needs aren't being filled, you have to tell that to your boyfriend. Just be careful not to put it across in an accusatory or ultimatum kind of way. Ask him what his needs are and what he would like. Also, what his wife's needs are. I do absolutely agree that you should not have to be in a mono/poly relationship, if you need something more. That is absolutely fair. You sound like you've got your head screwed on :)
 
Sparklepop- thank you so much, you have some wonderful questions and suggestions! I haven't figured out the "quote" on here yet- my laptop croaked and I am trying to do this on my iPad- so I apologize for the clunkiness of my reply, but I would enjoy some more feedback if you all are willing!
How is the controlling, regarding yourself, nowadays?

BF and I had pretty much called it quits- we were still friends, but nothing sexual for a few months. And then we started to pick up again- we missed each other, it was painful- especially for me. When we began seeing each other again, I received an email from his wife. She basically stated that if BF and I were going to continue to see each other, she had new rules. She expected to be included in all "fun" plans, and if I was inviting him to do something, I should expect her to come as well. We are not "out" to all of my friends (and none of theirs) so this expectation wasn't really great news to me... But I missed him terribly. We agreed to a FWB situation, which has been much less intense and less controlling. But we still love each other, so that.... Complicates things!

How often do you see wife? Do you ever see her alone, or always with him? How often would you like?

It made sense to jump to this question. For the most part I see her with him. In the beginning there were a couple of times that it was just her- I know they were hoping that we would become close friends as well. She and I did and do communicate directly through email/text. We both agreed this last time to go to each other directly if there were issues, because BF is not a good communicator either. Yeah, we are a great match... And I am VERY careful as far as what I say about the wife, as I know I am on the losing side if it comes down to that battle. He can just tell with how we interact- I just don't have much to talk about with her, that doesn't involve him or the kids.

In the early days, I had made up a compromise- I would do "group outings" as long as I got one night (4-5 hours, didn't demand overnight, and schedule permitting of course- I am realistic re:family stuff) a week. It worked initially but then I seemed to get less and less. Which led me to pull back from the group outings.. And then we blew up. Recently, we had one night (an overnight for my birthday:).. And since then it has been all group outings- about 5-6 outings, with no alone time. It's wearing on me- I have so much I am trying to work out, and I have been telling him I need some alone time for a few weeks. But I should say- he has been working crazy hours and his mother is very ill, so it isn't entirely his fault- there is a lot going on.

How often do you currently see BF? How often would you like to see him? Middle ground - how often do you think is possible and fair with your arrangement and his commitments?


Right now we are down to once every 2 weeks or so, if I'm lucky. As I mentioned, he is dealing with an illness in the family and a crazy work schedule. I asked him on Sat that if we cannot see each other, if he could check in with me and reassure me that I would appreciate it. That I needed him to do this to show that I am still important to him. I don't need a 10 page dissertation every day- but is a daily text too much to ask? Is it??

I don't have the greatest self esteem in the world, and he tends to not understand this. His response was "your self esteem should not be a factor in this, I have a problem with that." Which is exactly the response I was hoping for of course (I really need a sarcasm font. Seriously!).

I'm feeling very down about how this is all going- I finally gutted up and poured out my insecurities and how he could help me, and he has not followed through with anything yet. But it's only been 2 days, so I'm willing to try and be patient. Not one of my strongest assets either..

Feeling very sad tonight. I hope I answered all your questions, I'm a little ADD tonight as well. Thanks again for your ideas and suggestions, I will read some more of your posts as we seem to have some similarities of situation.
 
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The details you gave certainly complicate things. Those group outings requests from his wife make me feel yucky. I can understand you needing to spend group time with them if you want to see him more than a date night a week or something and he doesn't have solo time. Was a reason given by anybody why 1 night a week used to be OK and it got less and less? Did he volunteer why now you're seeing each other every 2 weeks now, or did you have to ask him for him to explain? Has he expressed a desire to see you more often, or alone, once things calm down?

Would you be/have been content seeing him less often if it meant having mostly solo time with him, or do you like his company so much that if you can see him 4x a week and 3 of them are group outings, that its worth it to you to see him 4x a week?

I can't imagine doing other than saying, well I'll see you just once a week so I can do things I enjoy the rest of the week. One reason is I can see to do this is if his wife thinks you're monopolizing him, that would perhaps make her relax enough to back off on the insisting its time all together or nothing. The other reason is because there's a weird dynamic going on there and I don't want to get involved in weird dynamics.

(kind of a tangent - a daily text isn't too much to ask, but if you're not going to get it, and that is made clear to you either through them saying no, or just not texting you - it's too much for that person to give. Letting go of expectations on what you wish was true vs what is actually true is good for your self esteem because you're not judging your worth by if somebody "loves you enough" to contact you every day. Did you ever have daily contact? Is this something you're asking for this long into the relationship because you have doubt about whether he even wants to be in it anymore so you're looking for reassurance?

It seems all of you could benefit from some self help, reading, counseling whatever, you and him to work on communication issues, her to figure out why she wants to be involved in and exert control on a a relationship that she's not involved with. Or to figure out what is going on - is she scared of him leaving her, is she jealous of the time you spend together, is she lonely because she doesn't have friends and wants to latch on to you since you're a permanent fixture in her husband's life, etc etc.

You say he is your best friend, but I don't see he's treating you as one of his best friends. I know a lengthy relationship isn't something easy to break away from, but your last post really shed a lot of light on a situation that has a lot of red flags and seems to be not working well for anybody involved.

Are you dating other people? If so, do you shape your dating life around the availability, or hoped for availability of your bf? ie leaving Friday free if somebody suggest coffee because there's a chance he will be able to see you?

Also you and the wife agreed if there was an issue you would go to each other with it. Have you told her any of this that you've said here? Been vulnerable and asked that hard question that you really want to know? "I would like to see him by myself most of the time, and I'd like to see him x often. Would that be comfortable with you, and if not could you tell me why, and what would work for you?"
 
Hi Anne,

Thanks so much for your feedback- it is a complicated mess I have gotten myself into for sure...

a daily text isn't too much to ask, but if you're not going to get it, and that is made clear to you either through them saying no, or just not texting you - it's too much for that person to give. Letting go of expectations on what you wish was true vs what is actually true is good for your self esteem because you're not judging your worth by if somebody "loves you enough" to contact you every day. Did you ever have daily contact? Is this something you're asking for this long into the relationship because you have doubt about whether he even wants to be in it anymore so you're looking for reassurance?

Yes- this has been a sticking point for us for awhile. Of course in the beginning I heard from him all of the time, multiple times a day (NRE I think is the term everyone uses on here- all new and exciting). But you are right- I guess I just need to let that go because apparently he cannot bring himself to do it. It seems like such a simple thing to me (30 seconds to say hi or thinking of you), I just have a hard time understanding why he can't do this one little thing!!! Argh.

Would you be/have been content seeing him less often if it meant having mostly solo time with him, or do you like his company so much that if you can see him 4x a week and 3 of them are group outings, that its worth it to you to see him 4x a week?
I much prefer seeing him solo, but was willing to see them as a group or at a kid function (1 time generally) during the week in order to get some more time with him. But it turned into just group options, which is where I had and now again have the problem.

Was a reason given by anybody why 1 night a week used to be OK and it got less and less? Did he volunteer why now you're seeing each other every 2 weeks now, or did you have to ask him for him to explain? Has he expressed a desire to see you more often, or alone, once things calm down?
This has been basically because of a change in work schedule (he is working tons of hours) and a family illness- which I totally understand and have tried to be very patient about. And I have asked him to express these feelings to me (if he wants to see me more, if he misses me etc.) if he is feeling them, so I am still waiting to see what happens here. I do worry that this has all become "too hard" and he is just going to bail.

Also you and the wife agreed if there was an issue you would go to each other with it. Have you told her any of this that you've said here? Been vulnerable and asked that hard question that you really want to know? "I would like to see him by myself most of the time, and I'd like to see him x often. Would that be comfortable with you, and if not could you tell me why, and what would work for you?"

I have not gone to her yet, as I was hoping he and I could make some headway- as you mentioned, our communication is not great either. During our last conversation (when BF & I were resuming) she basically stated that she did not want to be the one sitting at home dealing with all of the crap while I got to be the one doing all of the "fun" stuff. Which, while I do understand how she feels about that I have to say that there is a lot of that situation that I cannot control. We do not live together and I am not invlolved in their family (except as a casual friend). I feel like that falls on him to make more of an effort to make sure they have quality time together as well. RIght?

It seems all of you could benefit from some self help, reading, counseling whatever, you and him to work on communication issues, her to figure out why she wants to be involved in and exert control on a a relationship that she's not involved with.

She thinks pretty highly of her skills as a communicator, wife, mother- I have been told pretty well that this is not her problem. But I am working on my issues and trying to "talk" to him more. Except we end up texting because we have no alone time. I hate having serious discussions via text, so many things get convoluted in print- when you cannot see expressions, tone etc. But he is useless on the phone, so texting it is:)

I am working up to talking to him about me seeing other people- as I am not getting what I need from him and think that at this time he will not be able to meet my needs, mainly because of his crazy work schedule and family commitments. I want to try and keep our relationship active and begin to date as well. But that is another conversation (and thread)! But I feel like we might be heading towards splitsville, so I might not need to worry about this conversation after all.

It basically comes down to the fact that I am terrified to talk to him about things that are bothering me because I feel like we are one conversation away from him walking away, because it is too hard (we broke up once before for that basic reason- he feels he cannot give me enough to make me happy). Which I know is no way to live. But it's hard to walk away because I love him and cannot imagine not having him in my life. Blah:(

Thanks again for all of your input:)
 
Oh and I forgot to mention- wife has access to all comunication as well- email, Skype IM log, texts...of course I do not have access to either of their conversations. If I want something to remain between us I have to ask him to delete it. Do most poly peeps share in this way, or have you all had other experiences with this kind of arrangement.

I know the intention is that nothing would be hidden, but it has always felt a little lopsided to me... Just curious.

Thanks.
 
I'm going to be blunt about my first reactions to some of what you wrote, hopefully it doesn't come across as harsh but I am hoping that you will take some time to really reflect on what is going on. It kind of is a sore spot with me when somebody thinks they don't have the "right" to ask for whatever they want. Getting it isnt always possible, but asking for it should be encouraged by everybody.

1. So the wife can read any of your correspondence. Does she read all of your correspondence? Some people do have this policy, so it's good at least that you know about it. I will look at something written to my husband when he seems confused and says "this is the situation I think" and I've gotten the idea he got it all wrong, and I've had him read a message to me so I can tell him if I think he is off base. I do expect him to disclose to his partners that he may bounce everything off of me as I'm his friend, but if they want privacy about some things that's fine, if they want a DADT policy where i get to know nothing about them, well thats not comfortable with me and would require some negotiation. I am more likely to ask more questions in a new relationship too. However, you have been seeing each other for a long time (not that thats actually relevant). You know you can ask that you start getting some privacy on that? The wife knows you, has been able to have personal access to your behavior and words, and if she's still vigilant on what is being said, that leads me to believe their relationship probably has some serious issues if you cant say its time to respect your desire for privacy and you cant have it. If that is the case it does not sound like she is ready for or open to being poly.

Disclosure is different for everybody. My husband is OK if I talk about his stuff so I do if I have a reason to (on this forum or to friends). My boyfriend seems private, so although I may discuss some things happening between him and I, I try to err on the side of not talking about it. If my husband asked for information I wasn't sure about the privacy level of, preferably I'd run it by my bf first (and certainly would if it didn't have any impact on my husband), if not I'd let him know I'd shared something the next time I saw him. My husband is welcome to ask to see what I am saying to people in email or messages (though I can't imagine him doing so) and if he asked I'd warn him if he was going to see something he'd rather not. I don't save my IM's, so there's nothing to be looked at, I wouldn't start just so they could be looked at by my spouse though.

If she is looking through your messages after this long, she should probably be spending that free time working on her self esteem.

I had a lot more to say but I started this a few hours ago then ended up going out and having a few beers so I think I'll wait to say anything else. :rolleyes:

edit - couldn't resist. This forced sharing of your every thought with a third party sounds like a forced triad to me still. Would be a good point to bring up if you want to discuss the subject.
 
Don't worry Anne, you do not sound too harsh, and I appreciate your insight. I have always had a hard time asking for what I want/need- not just in love! I'm working on it... I was a psych major for a reason:)

In the beginning, I know she read everything, but as time has passed I am not sure if she keeps it up or not. He has asked me if I wanted him to delete messages in the past few months, so I suspect she still does.

Well, we had part 1 of my attempt to bring down walls and ask for things that I need on Sat (in that discussion, we just discussed improving communication, that I need a little reassurance from him, that I am worried to talk about issues with him)... And I have yet to see any improvements in our situation. No plans to get together. I'm not feeling optimistic. But trying to practice patience.
 
Little update...

Hi all,

I can't believe it has been 4 months since I last checked in on here, time flies.. I thought I would post a little update, for those that might be interested.

As I had suspected when all of this was happening, my bf and I ended up breaking things off. Whereas before I had been sad/depressed about us breaking up, this time I was pretty much furious! I had finally broached the subject of what some of my needs were (alone time, some say in what we were doing, comunication) and it felt like a week later he came to me saying he couldn't do it anymore, not fair to me, etc. I called him a coward for once again walking away instead of talking to me and trying to work it out. I was so hurt and ANGRY!:mad:

So there was a period of non speaking, followed by his wife actually reaching out to me (saying he was worried about me and missed me but was trying to give me space, which was nice of her really). He and I began talking again, and reconnected. We agreed that we can't just be "friends", that it is just too intense. But we also agreed that we can't quit either, so we are back into some kind of relationship again... I don't really have a name for it- it's hard to label I suppose?

So long story somewhat shorter, we seem to be good. I am spending more time with them as a family- I find that I like hanging at the house watching tv and dinner better than going out with them both. It feels less like a third wheel situation that way, does that make sense? He is making more efforts as far as communicating, has been more attentive and acting more caring- I feel less taken advantage of and more loved. And I am working hard on not overreacting to minor things (daily texts will never happen, have finally let that... Well pretty much have let that go :rolleyes:) and trying to be more open to opportunities when I can see him, even if they are not exactly what I might want to be doing..

I read through this thread again, and reminded me of all of the useful advice that I was given, I wanted to say thanks again. I'm hopeful that things are on a better track this time, I definitely feel more secure.

Xoxo
 
Just curious, did you ever broach the topic with him of you seeing other people?
 
Hi Annabel,

No I haven't... I was working up to it when we blew up around Christmas. I did see other people while we were "broken up", one of whom would be interested in continuing things I think.. He has so e complications of his own right now, so we are on hold no matter what happens here.... So at some point it will probably come up again.

Right now I am so happy to have things "right" again, I do not feel the urge or desire to see anyone else. But that tends to wear off with me, so we will see!:p

Thanks for your question, are you in a similar situation?
 
There are some surface similarities, but in terms of the issues you've been struggling with, no. I asked because it was something that stuck out to me in your story, it's such a basic issue of fairness. And I bet you really would be able to be more chill and calm about his time (not that any of your requests were remotely unreasonable, but just for your own mental peace) if you were sharing your romantic focus like he is. Good luck with the conversation, if/when you have it!
 
if you haven't figured it out yet

it may help you to think about how easy it could be for all parties involved in your situation to be less than honest about their feelings, which pretty much acts like setting an automatic self-destruct mechanism with some arbitrary time delay that nobody knows when the relationship is going to end

It's far worse than that though, because when people you care about lie to you or are misleading, if can cause a person to literally go crazy if they do not recognize what is happening.

If you all agree to take each other for their word and trust each other to bring any possible conflicts to each other's attention, make sure you follow through with those agreements, it works great to keep people from ever having to waste time trying to figure out trivial unspoken events, but unless you all follow through with your commitment to honesty and full disclosure it will without a doubt lead to severed relationships and that is if you are really lucky because odds are not only will the relationship end, but the individuals will walk away confused, emotionally damaged, broken with what amounts to missing pieces which makes it extremely hard to put your life back together.

Don't put yourself or them through it

Both you and the wife are going to have a hard time being completely honest and completely free of underlying or at least unspoken motives and if this wasn't so then you wouldn't find any problems other than not being able to decide which restaurant to go to for dinner.

little things are important (as others here have already commented) like being direct and asking if the situation was such that you didn't get to see the husband unless you could be close friends with the wife. It is also necessary that they answer honestly to your direct questions. It is also necessary that you each be able to be completely honest with yourselves because if you asked your question directly and they answered no but you felt their actions communicated otherwise, then you might as well start seeing a counselor now because you will all be emotional damaged and confused broken people before it's all over. People who care about each other don't engage in emotionally unhealthy relationship dynamics and if they do they will not likely be able to ever have a healthy satisfying relationship with anybody, let alone more than one.

Loving more than one person without the aspect of denial is not an easy task to do. Deep down everyone is polyamorous, it's just that the poly the world practices doesn't include sex or other physical acts of affection and unfortunately if it does include acts of physical affection it's not done honestly and most people give that a name called cheating.

Everybody makes mistakes when they first begin practicing honesty, and to be honest, mistakes will always be made so I personally do not hold anything against people for the mistakes they make, but how they handle their mistakes after the fact is how I determine who I can and cannot have healthy relationships with. It isn't fun when you realize you can't be in any sort of a relationship with those you love, not even a casual friendship, but love alone doesn't make people compatible

It takes loves and the practice of honesty, and honesty means coming to those you care about and admitting wrongdoing or mistakes if you had adamantly denied said mistakes but realized that was not the truth

I hope you realize I am in no way saying you should begin accusing each other of being dishonest, but if you had any trouble asking questions about the mandatory buddy/buddy relationship with his wife and you were hesitant about bringing up other people in a relationship that is already a non-monogamous and one where all partners involved are aware of the what the SO's other relationships entail, you should really take a couple of minutes to think about why you were hesitant. Anybody and everybody can get a little nervous when it comes to things they aren't sure about, however there is a world of difference between a little nervousness and the nervousness that is your spirit telling you that either you are lying to yourself or you should not be in any kind of a relationship with them because you are not compatible

it doesn't mean anybody is a bad person, but it trying to make things work out that cannot work together typically leads to people acting as if they were bad people

Not to get all religious or anything by using the word "spirit", but if you are practiced at recognizing your emotions and know how and why your are feeling those emotions, they can guide you through your life better than any super poly guru or zen master will ever be able to. Your feelings and emotions are there for a very good reason, practicing ignoring emotions is not a healthy way to live and can cause you to become a very confused person. A better way to deal with emotions is to harness them to do the job they were meant to do in helping you understand this world. Instead of practicing ignoring emotions a better way to understand yourself and the world is practicing recognition of those emotions
 
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And I bet you really would be able to be more chill and calm about his time (not that any of your requests were remotely unreasonable, but just for your own mental peace) if you were sharing your romantic focus like he is. Good luck with the conversation, if/when you have it!

Thanks Annabel! It is true, and part of the reason I was exploring the poly idea (for myself, instead of just being part of their dynamic). I think if I had someone else to focus some of my energy on I would put less pressure on our relationship.. I will update as things change, I appreciate your input!
 
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