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Magenta

New member
Hi there,

I'm not sure whether I'm doing the real poly thing (whatever that would be) but I have a question that is related.

I am married with three kids, living with my husband. We get along quite well as long as I have the freedom to see others (which is rather new to us and still makes me feel very bad).
Before we decided to open up I felt under pressure, this has faded now. Being able to hang out with others relieves me. I don't project all my expectations on one single person... which makes us get along better.
He was very hurt when I first mentioned I wanted to open our relationship, but now seems okay with the situation.

I don't know whether we are actually loving partners anymore. I do care about him. A lot. But we haven't had sex for five years :eek: and I can't imagine this anymore. (A note on this: We have always been imbalanced, me wanting more sex than him. In the last years he never took any initiative. If I didn't start it, there was no sex. I felt neglected but didn't want to bother him. Big mistake, I know. I hoped that he would miss our sex life eventually and would show me he wanted me - but no. So now we are here. - But we had other issues as well.)

So this is how we live. Three kids, two parents getting along but not entirely sure how future looks. We will always be connected, we care about each other and we care about our kids. But I have to learn to care about myself, too, again.

And now I'm wondering:
How, when and where can I meet other people? I can't bring them home, that's for sure. Here goes my husband's border and I have to respect that. Actually I can't imagine that either.
So do we have do rent a second apartment? How do you guys solve this?!?

This was basically it. A simple question, a lot of text ;)

Thanks for reading me :)
Magenta
 
Wow...that's a lot of issues for a simple question. I would suggest you have a relationship to fix first before worrying where you end up with a lover.

As far as the actual question, For myself we ended up buying a condo in a nearby city for a variety of reasons, one was to make it our little sex den but you could always meet at their place. We met people that had common interests, my wife through her gym, me through a non-profit society.

Here's a thought and i'm trying to not make assumptions but you tend to have to in a forum. If you're going to be poly it's all about trust, openess and honesty. Obviously there's a reason he's not wanting sex, be it medical, attraction some sort of hurt etc. Can you be open and understanding and focus on him even if your feelings get hurt? Maybe even ask him to email it to you ao there is no emotion or less emotion. The trick is getting to the root of the problem and tackling it instead of the jealousy or hurt. E.g. If he says, well you've gained a lot of weight and i just don't find it attractive. One response could be .....well you asshole, you're no spring chicken either tubby!!! Or, you could say, well obviously it'll take some time to change that but i'm willing, if you are there to help me. For every milestone we reach i want you to plan a nice romantic evening.

That example is a little harsh but it was to demonstate that openess can sometimes be blunt. You have to take emotion out of it or it just becomes emotion feeding on emotion.

Goodluck, my other thought was maybe go to a swing club instead and use the sexually charged atmosphere for rekindling, discussions but don't plan on doing anything.

I'm new at this though so take it with a grain of salt. I also have a great relationship to start from.
 
Thanks for your response.

I know the circumstances are not what people advise. But that's life, I'll have to deal with the way things developed.

We actually define the relationship as broken but simply can't afford to but a second home. Renting is almost impossible in this town. We live in a gresat neighbourhood with many friends literally next door, our kids go to a brilliant school around the corner - most of the time I feel that the situation at home doesn't make me suffer 'enough' to make me give up all that. If this relationship was physically or emotionally violent, this would be different, but we are friends and get along well.

But of course, this is the reason for my first sentence above. I'm not sure whether this counts as poly. We do care for each other, but we are not in a romantic relationship any more. So basically we are just friends.

Re: being open and understanding: I've tried for ages. He just doesn't want to talk about sex. Neither about things he might like, nor about things that don't work out (e.g. his erectile dysfunction - and trust me, I was really really careful when trying to talk to him about this). I can't reach him. And after five years, I don't want anymore, it hurts too much. And again, sex was just one of several issues - no more but no less either.

So we talked about getting divorced and moving away. Then we realised that (at the moment) we find it easier to give each other the freedom to have other relationships and still parent together and be with each other on a platonic basis. We might decide otherwise in half a year, but this is our idea right now.

And now I wonder: How can we let other people into our hearts when we can't bring them home? Maybe a small appartment will do? Does this all sound too pragmatic...?
 
You know, if the relationship essentially isn't, I wonder why your husband would even care that someone's coming into the home. Would you object to him bringing partners home?
 
I feel for you and him. It's too bad it has come down this road. Obviously you both care for each other and have a lot of respect for each other. Friends without benefits i suppose is where it is at like you said. For now meet others on their own turf physically and ask if non-physical interactions can occur in public or the home. Just don't flaunt it, treat your others like any other good friend when they come over.

Good luck.
 
Well he said he would mind, and I believe him. I would probably also mind but he's far from bringing someone. It was me who started talking about breaking up. Somehow he had wanted to carry on our relationship...
So there is a bias in this whole situation.

I could never relax when my SO is around, our house is too small. No, bringing someone simply wouldn't feel okay, for none of us - the kids included.

I had a short relationship with a girl some months ago. My husband knew this from the very beginning and we always met at her place. This was possible because she had a place of her own, but not everybody has (I haven't ;)). Still it was complicated as she lived in another town 35 miles from here.

Some days I feel hypocrite in this situation. In these moments, I think I should make a clear cut and just move on. Raise the kids in a 50-50 model with him, but start all over again. On my own.
The next minute I am convinced that it is society that makes me think that way, because this is what you are supposed to do if you want to share your bed with someone else. That's why I think I might fit here anyway. I don't want to base these vital decisions on what society thinks is supposed to happen, but I want to listen to the people involved.
 
Clowns to the left of you, jokers to the right... I'd cut and run, personally. If what you want is to move on, and it's feasible for you, do it. Get a little one- or two-bedroom apartment (depending on number of kids/your willingness to sleep on a futon in the living room), be friends with your ex, raise the kids out of two happier, healthier homes.
 
I am in a very similar situation, only a bit more evolved on the poly end. My husband and I rarely have sex. We both have great drive and we used to have awesome chemistry together, but for the last two years its been gone. I just don't want to have sex with my husband anymore. I have a boyfriend who more than sates my sexual thirst, and that is alright.

I hear "relationship broken, don't add more" all too often, but in my experience, every relationship has issues to fix, all the time. Some times are tougher than others. Also, you haven't had sex in way wayy too long, I would consider you getting that fulfillment paramount to your current relationship, as it might help relieve some pressure and help you focus on issues.

I often wonder if my husband and I should split. We don't fight or anything, we love each other. But it is more of a familial love at this point. I care for him as the father of my children and a good friend, but that is about it. In dating a new man I have realized just how much I have been going without for years now. He cares for me and is actively attracted to me. It is just something that I need to be happy, to feel sexually attractive to another person. You have these rights too.

Please PM me if you want someone to talk to in great detail about any issues you are having.
 
Is it bringing nobody home period, or just not being intimate in the home? Lots of people ask for no sex in their home with other partners, especially in a small house with kids, but being able to bring a romantic partner around as friends is something that might be OK for some of those people.

If your husband is home when you'd want to have people over, it seems pretty important that he might want to get along with the other person - and you might be surprised that how your husband feels today, he may feel vastly different about it a few weeks from now.

And if I wasn't able to have a partner over here, then I'd stick to dating people who are able to entertain me in their home, or I'd fine a nice inexpensive motel for the more intimate date nights. I happened to wonder sometimesabout renting a small office space for a love den - some of them have bathrooms and they're much less expensive than an apartment - seems so tawdry, but in a sexy way.

Wish I had more useful advice. I met both my husband and my boyfriend on OKcupid.com, lots of people meet people in groups for hobbies and whatnot.
 
Thank you all for your kind and helpful replies!!

lovefromgirl:
You definitely have a point and I often feel this is the only thing to do. I'll actually check out an apartment tomorrow which happens to be for rent close to my home and which I could share with a friend's friend to save some money. I imagine to be based in our house, though, and only sleep in the apartment once or twice a week. But then I could bring home whoever I want. Amazing! :eek: Even if it's only friends for having some beers together. My husband is not a very social person. (He'd never ask me not to bring home people but I feel how he gets uncomfortable so I keep it to a minimum.)
Okay, that's no clear cut, I admit. I blame the extraordinary housing costs over here. And I hope I'm not just taking the easy way out by blaming them...

IrisAwakened:
Great to hear about people in similar situations! Does your husband see someone else? Have you always had a poly-friendly relationship with him or did you open up when you met your bf? Where and when do you meet with your bf? Do the kids know?

Anneintherain:
He didn't want my gf (or someone else) to sleep over in our house. They have met, we had dinner together once and he actually invited her for coffee once (when she brought me home). But that's about it and I think it's reasonable. At least as long as he has the idea that we should carry on. Maybe this would change if would date someone, but I can't really see this happening. He is also very sensitive to what people think which often keeps him from doing what is good for him (in many respects).
So even if I understand his wish and will definitely respect it, bringing someone for dinner once every other month is not enough for me.
 
I imagine to be based in our house, though, and only sleep in the apartment once or twice a week.

I just want to throw this out - this makes me think you still do have a lot of work to do to decide if your marriage is a relationship you want to keep being in. Being out on dates a couple nights a week, is one thing, but sleeping over twice a week, well that can be a struggle for lots of couples, especially when both of them aren't happily poly and seeing people or good at keeping themselves entertained.

Don't know if you've already discussed with your husband that you are choosing to become that independent, but if not I'd make sure you do, and that he understands and agrees that he is going to be responsible to stay at home caring for the kids overnight without you so regularly. Make sure there is some benefit for him such as free time for himself, or some extra money he can spend as he likes on hobbies so it does not feel lopsided, if you haven't already worked that out.

I imagine that it would feel very threatening - my spouse getting an apartment and letting me know they were already planning on being gone up to twice a week - that on top of a newly open relationship would make me struggle with trusting that my partner wasn't planning on jumping ship any second. Just wonder if you've examined your motives closely, as it seems looking at an apartment before you have even found somebody you want to be in a relationship with seems hasty.

Then again maybe you are interested in casual hooking up? I hadn't gotten that impression from your original post but perhaps you are very eager to run with this and start making up for the years of missing sexual intimacy. Anyway, regardless, I just recommend thinking hard about how your actions look to your husband, what they mean for you, your marriage, and your family.
 
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If you think there's any chance that one of these other relationships might end up being a replacement for your husband. You know, emotional entangment, sexual compatibility and likely the desire to cohabitate then leave now. It's not fair to your husband to keep him around until someone more compatible for you comes along. If you are committed to maintaining your relationship with your husband I would say that you still have a lot of work to do to mend what you have. You've self described your relationship as broken which, to me, means either put a lot of work into fixing it or putting a lot of work into seperating amicably so that you can coparent your children in the best way possible.
 
Just a long thought, how long have you & your husband been together? You mention not having sex with him in the past 5 years, would it possible that he is (could/would identify as) asexual?

I ask because my partner does identify as asexual; which caused a lot of tense/ frustrated discussion and communication while we were trying to work out why he did not want to have sex, while I identify as both poly and someone possessing a high libido.

In case it provides any help to your situation, there is AVEN ... Things are a lot calmer at home after my partner had time to process his own feelings and come to the conclusion that he does identify that way. I can say that I definitely do not feel sexually towards him anymore, and have only minimal romantic feelings towards him; I do love him, it's just more like a best friend. We talk a lot because I worry about neglecting him, but he's happy just having a companion-- someone he can share evenings at home, meals, and/or social functions with.

As far as our home, he's requested that any lovers I have over be respectful towards him and he is not willing to accommodate a request to vacate his own home, even if for a few hours. I am in agreement, especially given that he is an introvert and the financial powerhouse in our partnership. Neither of these requests/ boundaries has caused me any trouble in my other relationships.
 
Thanks, I am grateful for all your comments!

Don't know if you've already discussed with your husband that you are choosing to become that independent

Yes, we discussed that. I loooked at an apartment about a year ago with the intention to move out completely. That apartment would have been big enoughfor me and the kids, which would have meant they'd have to move every week. He didn't like that option. He sais he'd prefer we live together, partly for the kids, partly for our own practicality, and I guess partly for what his family might think...but the latter is only speculation.

He went with me to look at that apartment. I've been very open with my feeling about our relationship.
I also encourage him to hang out more but he's not the kind of person who makes friends easily. Or WANTS to make friends - I don't know. Still, he went out two evenings in a row now and of course I was at home with the kids! I really enjoy that, so that's no problem.

I imagine that it would feel very threatening - my spouse getting an apartment and letting me know they were already planning on being gone up to twice a week - that on top of a newly open relationship would make me struggle with trusting that my partner wasn't planning on jumping ship any second. Just wonder if you've examined your motives closely, as it seems looking at an apartment before you have even found somebody you want to be in a relationship with seems hasty.

Well, I AM considering leaving him and he knows that. He told me he would prefer to keep living together and is willing to give me the chance to go out regularly. Last year, my gf and me had the arrangement that I sleep at her place once a week. He clearly thinks our marriage was better when we lived monogamous but he still seems okay with this.

perhaps you are very eager to run with this and start making up for the years of missing sexual intimacy. Anyway, regardless, I just recommend thinking hard about how your actions look to your husband, what they mean for you, your marriage, and your family.

Thanks, I try to do that and I'm grateful you repeat it for me. But actually I think I've done that for a far too long time now. I've adjusted to too many things and neglecting my own needs. So I feel I am reclaiming my own needs, trying to become me again, with my own ideas, my own frinds (which I've neglected bewcause he prefers to spend time wioth our familiy, the five of us), my job, my sexuality. Maybe I kind of fall over into the other extreme too much at the moment, but I don't know if I can help that right now :(

It's not fair to your husband to keep him around until someone more compatible for you comes along. If you are committed to maintaining your relationship with your husband I would say that you still have a lot of work to do to mend what you have. You've self described your relationship as broken which, to me, means either put a lot of work into fixing it or putting a lot of work into seperating amicably so that you can coparent your children in the best way possible.

Well, I am not sure whether there aren't more than these two options. That's basically why I'm in this forum.

Afaik, the idea about polyamory is that you can have an loving relationship to several people. The relationship to my husband is not romantic any more, nor sexual. But apart from the kids he is the most important person in my life. Even if I 'add' another one (and I tested this last year), his position might move slightly, but he still belongs to the important persons in my life. I don't know whether 'broken' is the right term.
We've been together for 13 years. Even with a large portion NRE, these years and our deep (platonic) connection will not disappear immediately, I think and hope.

Just a long thought, how long have you & your husband been together? You mention not having sex with him in the past 5 years, would it possible that he is (could/would identify as) asexual?

Yes, maybe he is. But I don't know whether I want to put any effort in finding out. I think that's up to him.
I've tried to raise the sex issue many times without success. During our relationship, I basically changed my sexuality from being curious and relaxed to almost feeling ashamed of it. I had such a wonderful sex life before! And after some years it was all gone.

Sometimes I even feel angry about him. How could he do that to me? How could he treat me like this for such a long time?
And I am angry about myself. why didn't I see this earlier? Why did I just accept this development? Why didn't I stop this process in time? Well I guess it's because for about ten years, I hoped things would get better. But they didn't. So now I have to change something. And no, talking doesn't help, I finally realised that.
 
Afaik, the idea about polyamory is that you can have an loving relationship to several people. The relationship to my husband is not romantic any more, nor sexual. But apart from the kids he is the most important person in my life. Even if I 'add' another one (and I tested this last year), his position might move slightly, but he still belongs to the important persons in my life. I don't know whether 'broken' is the right term.
We've been together for 13 years. Even with a large portion NRE, these years and our deep (platonic) connection will not disappear immediately, I think and hope.

His actions say he thinks the relationship is intact. His mouth might say, "Yeah, we're platonic now", but the restrictions placed on you scream "...and I don't want that!"

So in this case, if you want to have a loving relationship with more than him, in your home, without ferrying the kids back and forth, you're in for some serious counseling and discussing. Not that kids automatically do worse living out of two homes... but it's better if the parents are amicable enough to help them through that. :)
 
My husband and I didn't have sex for three years. I kept hoping that would change, but neither one of us did anything about it except talk every now and then. But one day he asked for a divorce, and then moved out a few weeks later. I was devastated for a long time, but the truth is, we had become like roommates, in a friendship together, and that is not a marriage to me, not romantic, not satisfying, not what I'd hoped for when we got engaged. Since our split (we are separated but not officially divorced yet), I have been delighted to rediscover my sex drive and passion, and that I am still desirable to other men. My second relationship after my separation also reminded me of how orgasmic I am - I had lost connection to that part of myself and suddenly I was cumming more often and for more long-lasting orgasms than I realized was possible! And I am a natural flirt, and have been getting back to the person I was that was stifled by an unsatisfying lackluster marriage. We didn't have kids, but now I couldn't see us continuing the way we were for much longer than we did, and still try to stay together as friends cohabiting. The freedom you can have if you leave him will feel amazing and exhilarating, I think. If I were you, I would put your needs first and step out on your own. Even though I was supremely upset when my husband stepped out to be on his own, it was a blessing in disguise for me. Your husband also deserves more than what he's settling for, he just doesn't realize it yet.
 
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