Poly Problems

PolyAnn

New member
Hi guys,

I'm new here! I thought I had everything under control (I know, I know) but now find I need the support of a community.

I'm a very busy woman who works a lot. It has been over a year since my 5 year relationship ended and I wanted to start dating again.

I opened a Tinder and met a great poly guy. His relationship was at the 5 year mark and they had opened the month before. I researched and asked all the questions and they seemed to be doing everything the correct way. I'm an extreme researcher.

We've been dating for three months and everything is amazing. There is some reservation because of the primary relationship but I was perfectly happy being a second. He also has another second that's more casual that he sees less often.

About 3 weeks ago his primary left him and he's in transition moving out of their home. Since then, without the reservations our feelings for each other have grown I definitely began dating him because there were no strings but now I find myself wanting those strings.

Caveat, I'm monogamous and he saw the casual girl last night and I had some intense feelings. Especially when he didn't come home and has marks on his body from sex.

We definitely haven't added strings but we have added time and I do feel like a primary. We have decided to fluid bond and we're doing that exclusively with each other. And I should say he cares deeply about my feelings and is very gentle with me and endlessly patient with my questions and angst.

He says everything is open to discussion, and he has had a hard time being poly because he feels he is always hurting someone.

Honestly, I think the change in relationship is just new and I'm unsure how to proceed. I definitely need advice from more seasoned folks here.

Thank you so much in advance for your help!
 
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Hello PolyAnn,

When you say you want those "strings," do you mean the relationship escalator? Like, you want to get married with him, have kids and a dog, a white picket fence, that sort of thing? or, do you just mean that you want it to be a more committed relationship? or, do you mean that you want it to be a monogamous relationship? like you want him to break up with his casual partner?

Your next move, I would think, would be to talk to him about what you're feeling. That you want those strings, and what that means to you. Then, listen carefully to how he responds. Take some time to decide whether you can accept what he's willing to offer. For example, if you say you'd like him to break up with the casual girl, and he says, "I don't think I can do that," then, you have to decide, are you willing (and able) to tolerate his having a relationship with her? because being with him would mean that she is part of the package.

Your next move after that, would be to continue dating him (living with him?) or to break up with him based on whether you can live with what he has to offer. You obviously have a very good and positive relationship, but sometimes even the best relationships have their deal breakers. Make a list of pros and cons, and decide whether your relationship with him is of overall benefit to you.

Hopefully I'll have more advice for you later if you need it, just keep us posted as your situation evolves.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

he has had a hard time being poly because he feels he is always hurting someone.

What behavior does he do that is hurtful to people?

I'm monogamous and he saw the casual girl last night and I had some intense feelings. Especially when he didn't come home and has marks on his body from sex.

If you are monogamous to me that means you prefer having 1:1 relationship shapes ONLY. So... why are you in this shape? It is not monogamous.
It's not what you prefer.

(Do you mean you are monoamorous? You want to have and love 1 sweetie? But are relationship shape flexible? You can do either monogamy or some sort of poly network?)

Did you feel the same upset when he shared sex with his other partners when it was a primary-secondary model?

The primary-secondary model ended because the primary partner and him broke up. I don't think that "automatically" slides you over into "primary" and his LDR partner into "secondary" without any discussion.

I think you could talk to him about what sort of open model you are going to practice together. The conversation needs to include his other partner too.

Honestly, I think the change in relationship is just new and I'm unsure how to proceed.

Proceed with that? What would you like to happen?

Galagirl
 
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Hello PolyAnn,

When you say you want those "strings," do you mean the relationship escalator? Like, you want to get married with him, have kids and a dog, a white picket fence, that sort of thing? or, do you just mean that you want it to be a more committed relationship? or, do you mean that you want it to be a monogamous relationship? like you want him to break up with his casual partner?

Your next move, I would think, would be to talk to him about what you're feeling. That you want those strings, and what that means to you. Then, listen carefully to how he responds. Take some time to decide whether you can accept what he's willing to offer. For example, if you say you'd like him to break up with the casual girl, and he says, "I don't think I can do that," then, you have to decide, are you willing (and able) to tolerate his having a relationship with her? because being with him would mean that she is part of the package.

Your next move after that, would be to continue dating him (living with him?) or to break up with him based on whether you can live with what he has to offer. You obviously have a very good and positive relationship, but sometimes even the best relationships have their deal breakers. Make a list of pros and cons, and decide whether your relationship with him is of overall benefit to you.

Hopefully I'll have more advice for you later if you need it, just keep us posted as your situation evolves.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Kevin, thank you so much. I'm going to try to answer your questions for clarity.

I don't know what I want with him. I'm super confused. When he had his primary I really enjoyed being around him, and while we connected on a deep level always those feelings have grown. They've grown for him too.

When his primary left him I wanted to leave to because the dynamics changed.

We are very open and talk about everything. I suggested we use the month of July to spend a lot of time together and talk after.

He was with the other secondary this weekend and told me when I see him next not to be alarmed as she left marks on him, he also said he'd try to make sure that didn't happen again. This never happened when he had his primary.

He spoke to her and she let him know she doesn't want anything series. He keeps me in the loop about everything.

Right now I'm leaning towards letting this go and finding another Poly situation. I have way less stress being a secondary.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.



What behavior does he do that is hurtful to people?



If you are monogamous to me that means you prefer having 1:1 relationship shapes ONLY. So... why are you in this shape? It is not monogamous.
It's not what you prefer.

(Do you mean you are monoamorous? You want to have and love 1 sweetie? But are relationship shape flexible? You can do either monogamy or some sort of poly network?)

Did you feel the same upset when he shared sex with his other partners when it was a primary-secondary model?

The primary-secondary model ended because the primary partner and him broke up. I don't think that "automatically" slides you over into "primary" and his LDR partner into "secondary" without any discussion.

I think you could talk to him about what sort of open model you are going to practice together. The conversation needs to include his other partner too.



Proceed with that? What would you like to happen?

Galagirl

Hi Gala! Thank you so much. I'm going to try to answer :D.

I don't think he questions his behavior but I think he thinks the act of Poly makes people he cares about upset. I had mentioned some nervousness about him seeing the other secondary because he hadn't told her about the primary breakup. However, he was upset and I am too that there were marks left on his body after they met Saturday and after me being gone on a 2 week work trip I will have to come back to see those. He says he will try to make sure it doesn't happen anymore.

I think Monoamorous is a great term. I was fine as a secondary with a primary and had no problems with him being with anyone when there was a primary. I just don't have the time or the bandwidth for multiple men.

We are in open talks if we want to be primary to each other. Apparently the issue of Poly is on the table too if I want to talk about it. I definitely know I'm not his primary as we haven't discussed it but I do know he's treating me how he treated his primary and I see him every single day except for the once a month he's with the other girl.

He talked to her and she said she wants no deeper connection. Just to have fun. They aren't LDR they live super close. I feel maybe for him I lack spontaneity. Also, she would have never left marks on him when the primary relationship was in place.
 
Kevin, thank you so much. I'm going to try to answer your questions for clarity.

I don't know what I want with him. I'm super confused. When he had his primary I really enjoyed being around him, and while we connected on a deep level always those feelings have grown. They've grown for him too.

When his primary left him I wanted to leave to because the dynamics changed.

We are very open and talk about everything. I suggested we use the month of July to spend a lot of time together and talk after.

He was with the other secondary this weekend and told me when I see him next not to be alarmed as she left marks on him, he also said he'd try to make sure that didn't happen again. This never happened when he had his primary.

He spoke to her and she let him know she doesn't want anything series. He keeps me in the loop about everything.

Right now I'm leaning towards letting this go and finding another Poly situation. I have way less stress being a secondary.

I think you are focusing too much on titles. The terms “primary” and “secondary” are only useful as long as the people involved have a shared sense of what they mean. They don’t refer to relationship depth or degree of feelings — they really only refer to priorities (ex:“I will prioritize living in the same city as my primary partner, even if my secondary partner needs to move away.”)

To me, it sounds like you are jumping to the conclusion that you will be happier in a different poly situation instead of focusing on what you want from your partner. It doesn’t matter if you are a “primary” or a “secondary” — it sounds like you have a really good relationship with this person and that your feelings are getting deeper and that scares you. You have the power to communicate and ask for changes in your relationship with him — you don’t want to see marks on his body from sex? Tell him (it sounds like he’s already agreed that this won’t happen in the future) Feeling like you want to keep the same schedule that you had when he was with his primary? Tell him. You don’t want to move in or start sharing a bank account? Tell him. Nervous about him looking for another primary and you taking a back seat to that search? Tell him. Sometimes saying the anxiety out loud to our partner helps remove some of the control that it has. It also opens the door to negotiations.*

If you ultimately decide to leave this relationship, I would urge you not to seek another poly situation. First of all, you may feel like you prefer to be a “secondary” but the fact is, those terms are not well-defined. You may have really only liked being HIS secondary — and with someone else who has a different set of boundaries and rules with their primary partner, you would feel horrible. Second, poly relationships are always in flux and if you make your relationships dependent on your partner’s other relationships you are setting yourself up to be part of constant poly break-up cascades. It’s bad for everyone involved, but particularly bad for the hinge person (in this case your boyfriend) who has to deal with two break-ups at once. And just imagine, if your next partner knew your feelings, and felt like they had to stay with their primary partner so that they wouldn’t lose YOU. That really sucks.

I would try to fight through your insecurities and see if you can make it work with this guy you it sounds like you love and who loves you, and who you seem to communicate well with. If that absolutely cannot be done, I would stick with monogamy because it seems like the changes inherent in poly are going to be too stressful for you.

Good luck!

* you might like The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships by Kathy Labriola
 
I would try to fight through your insecurities and see if you can make it work with this guy you it sounds like you love and who loves you, and who you seem to communicate well with. If that absolutely cannot be done, I would stick with monogamy because it seems like the changes inherent in poly are going to be too stressful for you.

This almost makes it sound as if the OP isn't "capable" of being in a poly relationship. I wouldn't word it that way, as there is an inference that she isn't "mature" enough to.

If mono is her preference, that's fine. If she wants to find another poly relationship, that's fine too. Both relationship models have their inherent challenges.
 
This almost makes it sound as if the OP isn't "capable" of being in a poly relationship. I wouldn't word it that way, as there is an inference that she isn't "mature" enough to.

If mono is her preference, that's fine. If she wants to find another poly relationship, that's fine too. Both relationship models have their inherent challenges.

I certainly didn’t mean to imply that this is an issue of capability or maturity, and I am sorry if that’s how it came off!

I just meant that leaving one poly situation for another is likely to result in similar concerns for the OP, since polyamory is not a static situation in which you can depend on your partner’s other relationships staying the same. You can only control your own relationships and negotiate within those relationships — seeking to only be a “secondary” makes someone else’s relationship responsible for your needs and seems like it will lead to heartbreak all around.
 
When his primary left him I wanted to leave to because the dynamics changed.

We are very open and talk about everything. I suggested we use the month of July to spend a lot of time together and talk after.

It is true. The dynamics have changed all around. The "old normal" is gone, and you aren't sure what the "new normal" is gonna be yet. Use July to sort out what it is you two want, and if you two are still compatible or not.

Because if he wants you to be primary and you are happier being secondary, that's not going to work.

Right now I'm leaning towards letting this go and finding another Poly situation. I have way less stress being a secondary.

If this is a firm want? Then you don't have to wait til end of July if you have already decided that.


I don't think he questions his behavior but I think he thinks the act of Poly makes people he cares about upset.

He doesn't think his partners can make adult decisions for themselves? That if they say they are up for poly, they really are up for it? And if the decision leads to some discomfort, they are up for dealing with that discomfort?

I was fine as a secondary with a primary and had no problems with him being with anyone when there was a primary. I just don't have the time or the bandwidth for multiple men.

Sounds like you want to be an "endpoint" in a poly network of some kind.

He talked to her and she said she wants no deeper connection. Just to have fun. They aren't LDR they live super close. I feel maybe for him I lack spontaneity. Also, she would have never left marks on him when the primary relationship was in place.

Just as your relationship with him has to be reassessed post break up since dynamics changed? So does hers. Their dynamics also have changed. Maybe she thought marks were ok now since the primary is out of the picture. And maybe you never mentioned anything about marks being a turn off since it was already covered by the primary bringing it up.

They have to sort that mark thing over THERE on their side of things since he himself doesn't sound like he wants any.

It is not a reflection on your ability to be spontaneous.

It might be showing that you might need to actually spell out some things yourself. Part of the change in dynamics.

Galagirl
 
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There are a number of things I don't understand about your situation/mindset... and some things you've said don't seem to quite gel... so I was wondering if you could clarify, PolyAnn.

. I opened a Tinder and met a great poly guy. His relationship was at the 5 year mark and they had opened the month before.

We've been dating for three months and everything is amazing.

Correct me if I've got the timeline wrong, but it sounds like you've been dating a formerly monogamous man who only "opened" to become poly with his (now ex) primary one month before YOU began dating him - therefore he's only been practising polyamory for about four months, correct?

If so, then he must still be pretty inexperienced at traversing the landscape of poly/non-mono relationships, including the possible pitfalls.

About 3 weeks ago his primary left him

Additionally, he has experienced the break-up of a serious, five-year relationship only weeks ago, and is therefore probably still in a grieving process of some sort.

People who have experienced recent emotional upheaval are often not capable of making the greatest choices for themselves, let alone others - which might explain his comment about always hurting other people, although he's seeing this as a "poly problem" rather than a "new to poly/recent break-up" issue.

Do you KNOW why his previous primary partner left him? Was it due to one, or both of them, having reservations about having opened the relationship? Did she THINK she could handle it, but discovered she could not?

Why do you say his "other" secondary partner would not have left marks on his body during sex if he'd still been with his former primary? Do you feel she... OR he... is not trying YOU with the same respect that was afforded his ex-partner?

Since then, without the reservations our feelings for each other have grown I definitely began dating him because there were no strings but now I find myself wanting those strings.

We definitely haven't added strings but we have added time and I do feel like a primary.

I don't know what I want with him. I'm super confused.

When his primary left him I wanted to leave to because the dynamics changed.

The statements above don't quite make sense to me. Although I admit, I might have misinterpreted... so if you can, please clarify:

Are you saying that, now that his primary partner has broken things off with your new guy, you're seeing more of each other, which in turn is increasing the depth of feeling you BOTH feel for each other...

...so that (despite not being his "official" primary partner, you now FEEL like you've taken on that role (?)

However, as much as you enjoy each other's company and believe feelings/love are steadily growing between you two, this added level of closeness is creating some kind of pressure, or cognitive dissonance within you, because you don't feel like you're ABLE to give him the time, energy and commitment that a primary partner "should" be able to?

WHY on earth did you feel like leaving him too, just because his ex-partner left? :confused: Was it because of the added pressure (not enough time or energy to devote to the relationship)? You seem to be saying the feelings between you are growing - usually a GOOD thing in most people's view - yet you don't seem all that happy about that state of affairs.

Right now I'm leaning towards letting this go and finding another Poly situation. I have way less stress being a secondary.

So... you consider yourself monogamous... but you want to find another poly guy (and end things with THIS guy) because:

- You don't feel you have the time or energy to commit heavily to THIS relationship, and you feel pressured by him and his current situation (post- break-up) to give more of yourself than you were bargaining for in the first instance?

- You don't feel this particular partner is ready for polyamory? You feel he's too new at this to be able to balance his time well, to give you the space you need, or to insist his other partner treats you with the same respect she showed his ex-primary?
 
Hi PolyAnn,

It sounds like you are more comfortable with being a secondary partner; being a primary partner does not suit you well. And while you are starting to "want those strings," it makes you uncomfortable to want that. What about the idea of him looking for a new primary partner, so that you could remain a secondary? Is it too soon since his ex left him?

If you need to leave him and look for another secondary situation, that is okay. But it's not a decision you have to rush, give it a month and then decide.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think you are focusing too much on titles. The terms “primary” and “secondary” are only useful as long as the people involved have a shared sense of what they mean. They don’t refer to relationship depth or degree of feelings — they really only refer to priorities (ex:“I will prioritize living in the same city as my primary partner, even if my secondary partner needs to move away.”)

Fair.


If you ultimately decide to leave this relationship, I would urge you not to seek another poly situation.

Our situation was well defined and the flux has caused me some confusion. I find this statement unfair.

I would try to fight through your insecurities and see if you can make it work with this guy you it sounds like you love and who loves you, and who you seem to communicate well with. If that absolutely cannot be done, I would stick with monogamy because it seems like the changes inherent in poly are going to be too stressful for you.

I feel things for him sure. I'm not sure it needs a label like love yet :D. Thanks!

It is true. The dynamics have changed all around. The "old normal" is gone, and you aren't sure what the "new normal" is gonna be yet. Use July to sort out what it is you two want, and if you two are still compatible or not.

Because if he wants you to be primary and you are happier being secondary, that's not going to work.



If this is a firm want? Then you don't have to wait til end of July if you have already decided that.

It isn't a firm want. I do feel a lot of things for him.



He doesn't think his partners can make adult decisions for themselves? That if they say they are up for poly, they really are up for it? And if the decision leads to some discomfort, they are up for dealing with that discomfort?

He's just very sensitive.

Sounds like you want to be an "endpoint" in a poly network of some kind.

I will google what endpoint means in this situation.



Galagirl

There are a number of things I don't understand about your situation/mindset... and some things you've said don't seem to quite gel... so I was wondering if you could clarify, PolyAnn.



Correct me if I've got the timeline wrong, but it sounds like you've been dating a formerly monogamous man who only "opened" to become poly with his (now ex) primary one month before YOU began dating him - therefore he's only been practising polyamory for about four months, correct?

Yes, this is correct.


Additionally, he has experienced the break-up of a serious, five-year relationship only weeks ago, and is therefore probably still in a grieving process of some sort.

Yes, I'm trying to be a support for him right now.

Do you KNOW why his previous primary partner left him? Was it due to one, or both of them, having reservations about having opened the relationship? Did she THINK she could handle it, but discovered she could not?

She left him because they didn't have the 'passion' they used to and she found it in poly partners.

Why do you say his "other" secondary partner would not have left marks on his body during sex if he'd still been with his former primary? Do you feel she... OR he... is not trying YOU with the same respect that was afforded his ex-partner?

Yes. Especially since all she wants is a date every few weeks and sex after. He asked her if she wanted more and she said no.



The statements above don't quite make sense to me. Although I admit, I might have misinterpreted... so if you can, please clarify:

Are you saying that, now that his primary partner has broken things off with your new guy, you're seeing more of each other, which in turn is increasing the depth of feeling you BOTH feel for each other...

...so that (despite not being his "official" primary partner, you now FEEL like you've taken on that role (?)

Yes exactly that!

However, as much as you enjoy each other's company and believe feelings/love are steadily growing between you two, this added level of closeness is creating some kind of pressure, or cognitive dissonance within you, because you don't feel like you're ABLE to give him the time, energy and commitment that a primary partner "should" be able to?

Yes that.

WHY on earth did you feel like leaving him too, just because his ex-partner left? :confused: Was it because of the added pressure (not enough time or energy to devote to the relationship)? You seem to be saying the feelings between you are growing - usually a GOOD thing in most people's view - yet you don't seem all that happy about that state of affairs.

The pressure is rough and exactly it.



So... you consider yourself monogamous... but you want to find another poly guy (and end things with THIS guy) because:

- You don't feel you have the time or energy to commit heavily to THIS relationship, and you feel pressured by him and his current situation (post- break-up) to give more of yourself than you were bargaining for in the first instance?

- You don't feel this particular partner is ready for polyamory? You feel he's too new at this to be able to balance his time well, to give you the space you need, or to insist his other partner treats you with the same respect she showed his ex-primary?

Both of these things.

Thank you all my answers are bolded in the quotes. For someone that works in tech I am a no0b at forums.
 
Hi PolyAnn,

It sounds like you are more comfortable with being a secondary partner; being a primary partner does not suit you well. And while you are starting to "want those strings," it makes you uncomfortable to want that. What about the idea of him looking for a new primary partner, so that you could remain a secondary? Is it too soon since his ex left him?

If you need to leave him and look for another secondary situation, that is okay. But it's not a decision you have to rush, give it a month and then decide.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you Kevin, this is exactly how I'm feeling. One of my options is to ask hi to seek another primary at the end of our month of exploration we're giving each other.
 
That sounds like a good option to me.
 
One of my options is to ask him to seek another primary
This is sort of "reverse unicorn" situation: seeking a less-than-human entity who can slide easily into a preconceived slot, a convenience for the other two.

I don't support it.

I had a longterm secondary relationship. Terry is a very busy person, & doesn't consider herself able to maintain a constant one-on-one relationship in the foreseeable future.

When my longterm primary relationship fizzled out, I too was busy & so figured this would work out just fine. Terry didn't agree, & no amount of assurance that I didn't expect her to become somehow "primary by default" didn't satisfy her because now she felt (she said) obligated to pick up the slack.

:confused:

She poked at me to drop what I was doing & go find another quasi-wife so that Terry could slip comfortably back into her old pattern. The topic increasingly became the hot topic when we were together. And I felt she was expecting to have some say in who I was "allowed" to date & eventually settled on as a final choice.

I finally couldn't handle the bizarreness, & stopped calling her.
 
This is sort of "reverse unicorn" situation: seeking a less-than-human entity who can slide easily into a preconceived slot, a convenience for the other two.

I don't support it.

I had a longterm secondary relationship. Terry is a very busy person, & doesn't consider herself able to maintain a constant one-on-one relationship in the foreseeable future.

When my longterm primary relationship fizzled out, I too was busy & so figured this would work out just fine. Terry didn't agree, & no amount of assurance that I didn't expect her to become somehow "primary by default" didn't satisfy her because now she felt (she said) obligated to pick up the slack.

:confused:

She poked at me to drop what I was doing & go find another quasi-wife so that Terry could slip comfortably back into her old pattern. The topic increasingly became the hot topic when we were together. And I felt she was expecting to have some say in who I was "allowed" to date & eventually settled on as a final choice.

I finally couldn't handle the bizarreness, & stopped calling her.

I feel like you're putting a lot of your personal experience on me and it's a similar situation, sure, but not the same thing at all. I'm uncomfortable and I also get to have feelings over the primary relationship changing and that does change my involvement so reassessing it is not a problem, nor should it be seen as one.

It's obvious I care for the man and am not seeking a "less-than-human entity who can slide easily into a preconceived slot", but our relationship has changed.
 
Thank you for the clarifications, PolyAnn.

Personally, I feel it'd be somewhat unfair/cruel to leave a relationship with someone for whom you care deeply about, and vice versa, because you're feeling pressured and unsure at this moment - especially since his previous partner has just left him. That said, if you really feel it's your only option, you're perfectly within your rights to do so.

What I'd suggest is that you be VERY CLEAR with him about what you believe you can offer him, time-wise and emotionally, at this juncture. You could say, "I care very deeply for you, and I'd love to continue this relationship in some form, but I can only see you x-number of times per week" or per month, or whatever you can manage right now. Spell it out.

Then the onus is on HIM to either accept your terms, or to leave the relationship voluntarily if this is not enough for him. If HE chooses to leave, that is HIS right.

IF he accepts and wants to continue dating you, knowing you won't always be available to him, YOU will have to accept that he may choose to find another partner (primary or secondary) to meet the needs you're unable to meet. OR else, he may choose NOT to seek another partner, and will have to find other ways to fill the gaps without putting undue pressure on you to give more than you feel comfortable with.

It is not your place to pressure or even suggest he look for another primary. He is already free to do so if he wishes.

I do not believe it'd ultimately solve anything if you left THIS relationship to pursue another polyamorous dating situation, as poly people's relationship networks/dating situations are often in flux, and you may once again find yourself in a similar situation... perhaps with someone you don't care for as strongly as this man.

Give it a little time before making any irreversible decisions.
 
Luna, thank you. That's exactly where we ended up.

I have an update of sorts. I came home from my trip and we spent 8 days on a row together, every evening. We are kind of skipping sex at the moment until he lands at his new spot in mid-July and I think this is a great thing.

I don't think I could ever leave him. I also don't know how I am going to continue being with him. We are definitely both leaning toward me becoming primary with him still seeing the other girl very infrequently. He is not adding new people.

However, I'm having trouble getting used to the other girl being in his home too with his roommates and going out with his friends and I know this is my issue to work out. Because he's worth it I will do that.
 
Hi PolyAnn, thanks for that update. It sounds like you are going to try to work things out with this guy, even if it is a challenge at times.
 
Luna, thank you. That's exactly where we ended up.

However, I'm having trouble getting used to the other girl being in his home too with his roommates and going out with his friends and I know this is my issue to work out. Because he's worth it I will do that.

Since you intend to pursue this relationship, know that being the mono partner in a mono/poly relationship is likely to be difficult at times. Some feelings of jealousy and possessive are normal and will arise at times, especially if there are changes in dynamics or agreements.

Be gentle with yourself. Ask to be informed of any changes that may occur in your partner's other relationships if they're going to affect you directly... and allow time to process your feelings in regard to them. Read up on ways to manage jealousy. (If he hasn't provided them already, PM Kevin - kdt26417 - who has a great range of resources dealing with this issue.)
 
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