from Mono's thread.
This is from a thread that Mono started...
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6504
Mono, the confusing part to me is that I understood RP has not had sex with Leo, thus respected your boundaries. But the night he came over and stayed in her bedroom started off a whole slew of discomfort for you, Mono. You say you're not jealous. Yet, RP apologized in other thread for breaking your trust. What did she do? That is still not clear. What does she want to do? She has said she will not move forward with Leo and still there is a shit storm to deal with. What does stepping back mean for you, exactly? You sometimes wax poetic and are somewhat vague in describing certain aspects of your situation. We're all just trying to understand what the hell you're talking about. No one is picking on you or posing questions as a way to bitch at you or poke fun.
It does look as if, from the outside, that your boundaries (which really come across as rules to me) have essentially placed RP in a mono relationship with you. You have managed to exert some powerful control over her. I know she has said that the sex with you is more satisfying than it is with others, or at least, being with you involves lots of sex. She's not sexual very often with her husband or other partners who were (I believe) in her life before you came on the scene, so it's like she's living a pretty much mono lifestyle in deference to you, despite the fact that a poly tribe is something she has said she strives for.
I don't think your stepping back is an unreasonable shift to make in order for you to handle the addition of another partner in her life (as long as you won't be pouting about it). And while it's ridiculous to think that adding someone new to the mix wouldn't demand changes all around the tribe, you seem unwilling to look further into why it would bother you so much. It's like you've dug your heels in and said, "This is just the way I am," without wanting any suggestions that there could be jealousy or other issues at play here. But, okay, let's say it is just the way you are. and you do step back, and RP takes on Leo as a full-on sexual partner and lover, and maybe other people, too, for that matter. How will you handle what may happen if lovemaking with Leo or another eclipses lovemaking with you, just as lovemaking with you eclipsed lovemaking with PN? Are you prepared for that? Maybe you can handle her relationships with PN and Derby because, on some level, you feel you've got the upper hand and are superior, or preferred, in your lovemaking. But Leo is an unknown. He throws doubt into the mix. She could wind up preferring his lovemaking over everyone else's. Hmm.
Even though you are mono and feel the need for connection to be sexual with her, I fail to understand how other, additional relationships RP has would be more of a threat to your connection than the ones she currently has besides you. It just does not make sense. If you allow some and not others, it's not quite poly, not quite mono, but you remain in control.
Perhaps this whole issue is rooted in your need for some sense of control in the situation. I'm not using the word "control" negatively. Human beings do often find comfort in some sense of order in life, and feeling like we have a handle on things. Perhaps, however, your need to be okay with the relationships RP has could be better handled by your own personal work on yourself, rather than imposing limitations on whom and how RP loves and makes love to. She is poly, after all.
This was my reply:
Thank you for this post, NYCindie. No doubt it was a hard one for Mono to hear. Your thoughts are valid and are useful. They have all gone through my head, also. The thing is, I chose at this point to back away from anything with Leo because I believe it is worth trying first. This isn't giving Mono control, so much as doing what I need to do for me.
Indeed, it is possible that he needs to feel some control over the situation, in a way that is not negative but more comfortable. I have given him that comfort by making the decision I have. I didn't make the decision to make him feel comfortable. It was an added bonus. One day I might ask him to be uncomfortable because I need to decide that I cannot live with the compromise of not being able to express myself in a healthy way. I don't know. I might be just fine in what I have already. All will be revealed in time, when I have done my own work around some stuff.
It isn't so much what I did that is the issue here. It is that I did not act in a way that was in keeping with the boundaries we had set up from the beginning. I should've asked him to tell me again what he is okay with in terms of "non-sexual." I have asked him to write it down now as a document for me to read and remember that way. It is more to do with my nature/way of being, my own issues that get me into a position where sex comes up, where friendship would've been just fine. I have a need to see if there is something more deep-rooted behind that.
Mono has said that if I find I cannot step away from something developing with Leo, that he will see how he feels and will step back from socializing with them (Leo and his wife). He will work on being close to me in other ways and see if anything changes. He is willing, it seems, to see if it is a temporary feeling to be disconnected. He is willing to take that chance that it might be. I am not.
I do not want a full-on sexual, everyday, other partner relationship with Leo, in the way that is thought. I want to see him once a month, be able to be close to him and not feel as if I am overstepping the boundaries I have with the others in my life. If that should turn sexual one day, then I guess that would be a bridge that is crossed when we come to it.
I don't think it would be helpful in my life to take on another lover at this point. I have some deep-rooted issues to work on around my own self love first. This is what I intend to work on, and leave the Leo thing alone. At least until I have a better grasp on what is going on for me that I seem to need to have more people to be close to.
I am not satisfied somehow, and it has something to do with myself. It's not lack of love, sex, closeness or people to be so with. Does that make sense? It doesn't entirely, to me. It is a work in progress.
I might be full of shit. I just don't know yet. More exploring needs to be done. I am on it. It takes time and I intend to take time. All I can say is that there is something going on for me and I don't know what it is. It has nothing to do with Mono. He just brought it out of me by the situation we are in.
Then this too:
Hi, RP. I was looking forward to you showing up because I didn't like to be talking behind your back, so to speak.
However, your blog is support only, and you'll only get rainbows and group hugs over there. I asked you to start a thread where honest, perhaps tough, comments could be made, and at that time you refused. I wish you'd seek more engagement, because I do identify with you, to a large degree, and am bothered by your decision to be poly-fi, if it's not in your true nature. That's almost the same as a poly person trying to be mono for their mono partner. IMO, of course.
And my reply:
I refused because I was afraid, hurt, in pain and not ready. I am ready now to hear what others say. Please feel free to say what you feel is best for me on my blog. This is Mono's thread. I would prefer to take thoughts about what I do elsewhere.
Please understand by my previous post that I am looking at all other options as to what is going on for me in my life first. I am looking at "why" I feel I would like to have more with Leo, rather than just pushing the issue. I feel disgust with myself that is deep-rooted in something to do with my self worth. It has nothing to do with Mono. I have spent much time separating the two, Mono and me, and have decided that there are things for me to look at before taking Mono's compromise, and seeing if it will work for me. His talk of his compromise is his own. It's nothing to do with me.
Staying on the original topic would be great. Everything else can be directed to my blog.