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  #11  
Old 01-15-2018, 10:43 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Originally Posted by 1234567 View Post
I get all those feelings. And send sympathy, and hope they turn to joy.
Thank you for understanding, 1234567.

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It can always be changed- alternated between- later of you feel that way.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say "it can always be changed - alternated between - later". Unless you mean that I can alternate living arrangements(?)

You see, I don't NOT want to marry Boho. It's just that Jester and I were engaged for almost a year before she and I became involved on that sort of level. We three ARE planning to live together anyhow, so logistically speaking, it shouldn't be a problem. I guess I dread the commitment seeming "uneven", more weighted in favour of one over the other, but that would be the case either way, I realise, considering polygamy is not legal.

Quote:
Have you considered a handfasting with Jester? Or second ceremony? Does it have to be exclusive?
We have talked about doing something like this to cement the commitment of we three as a "triad". I put it in inverted commas because we three are committed, though Jester and Boho are not really involved in a romantic sense.

I only broached the subject (with Jester) of marriage to Boho a couple of days ago, so no, he and I haven't talked in depth about alternate arrangements or ceremonies for us as a couple, as yet. I'm sure we will though.


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You don’t say if it is Europe or the States. If the states, know the citizenship requirements specifically exclude bigamy. So wait for citizenship before a second marriage,’even if symbolic not legal.
I'd be moving to the States. And yes, this is the concern. Thank you again for taking the time to advise me.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible, in a LDR committed relationship with Boho
Jester: M, 59, straight, "it's complicated"
Boho: F, 56, primary partner, heteroflexible
Red: M, 52, ex-husband, straight
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  #12  
Old 01-15-2018, 12:40 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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It's really only a concern here if it is a legal marriage, not a symbolic one.

BTW...the most expedient way to do this is to get married in your country.
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  #13  
Old 01-16-2018, 07:00 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
It's really only a concern here if it is a legal marriage, not a symbolic one.

BTW...the most expedient way to do this is to get married in your country.
Believe it or not, I hadn't really considered that. Because I'd planned to move to the States (and because, until very recently, I HAD been planning to marry my other partner and he can't come to my country due to some old drug charges), my mindset had been firmly fixed on marrying overseas.

I'll have to look into the pros and cons of what you suggest, Vince - but it may well be a more workable solution. Thank you.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible, in a LDR committed relationship with Boho
Jester: M, 59, straight, "it's complicated"
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Red: M, 52, ex-husband, straight
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  #14  
Old 01-16-2018, 08:03 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Be *really* careful and talk to a lawyer in the states about this - a friend I'm very close to married her Canadian in his country thinking it was the easiest way to get him in the country quickly - to be fair that's what she was told at the border when they wouldn't let him in as a fiancé as too much of a risk not to go home - and it took her years to be able to keep him in the country legally.
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  #15  
Old 01-18-2018, 09:34 AM
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hey there,

Seems like the situation is complicated, but you know what you want. Firstly, please get rid of the "spoken for" idea. That is a silly monogamous idea that has no place in a polyamorous relationship. If you are in a "V"/"triad" type situation, and all partners are equal, then the legal marriage is just that: a legality. I'd definitely marry Boho. She is financially stable and can put you on the road to residency/living with your partners as you wish. It is clear that this is something that Jester cannot offer.

You are all life partners, and how you define your relationship in your own and life and household is what matters. My marriage vote goes to Boho hands down.
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  #16  
Old 01-18-2018, 10:19 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Thank you to all those who've responded with great questions, suggestions, warnings and advice. This is why I love this forum and read eagerly even those threads that don't pertain directly to me - such a wealth of knowledge and experience here!


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Originally Posted by icesong View Post
Be *really* careful and talk to a lawyer in the states about this - a friend I'm very close to married her Canadian in his country thinking it was the easiest way to get him in the country quickly - to be fair that's what she was told at the border when they wouldn't let him in as a fiancé as too much of a risk not to go home - and it took her years to be able to keep him in the country legally.
Thanks for sharing the personal experience of your friend, icesong. This is the kind of real life example I/we are seeking, in order to be aware of the possible pitfalls.

Yes, we will seek legal advice, for sure. Luckily there is no great hurry as there are still many months to go before Boho's and my respective divorces are finalised.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleSun View Post
hey there,

Seems like the situation is complicated, but you know what you want. Firstly, please get rid of the "spoken for" idea. That is a silly monogamous idea that has no place in a polyamorous relationship. If you are in a "V"/"triad" type situation, and all partners are equal, then the legal marriage is just that: a legality. I'd definitely marry Boho. She is financially stable and can put you on the road to residency/living with your partners as you wish. It is clear that this is something that Jester cannot offer.

You are all life partners, and how you define your relationship in your own and life and household is what matters. My marriage vote goes to Boho hands down.
Thank you for your perspective, PurpleSun. Our "triad" has now pretty much decided that this is the way to go, based on the advice from posters here and our own research and discussion.

I understand what you're saying about the "spoken for" concept - though I must clarify that was not MY expression. I was quoting Boho, who was using it to express empathy/insight re: her suggestion that Jester and I change our plan to marry, which she is aware could have been construed as a "cowgirl" manoeuvre on her part, if he hadn't have understood where it was coming from.

To clarify further, I've always been involved in mono relationships before this one, and for the first year, Jester and I were mono with no intentions of changing that. We "fell" into poly when I became involved with Boho, who was a mutual friend and one of Jester's former lovers... therefore the mental transition to a "poly mindset" is still not quite complete. They are both my romantic/sexual partners, but are non-romantic life partners with each other, I guess. It's a little complicated to define, even for me.

When it's all said and done, however, I DO agree with you that Boho is the one I should legally marry. We three will work out how to define the various relationship commitment/s among ourselves, and explain that as best as we can to those family and friends to whom it matters.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible, in a LDR committed relationship with Boho
Jester: M, 59, straight, "it's complicated"
Boho: F, 56, primary partner, heteroflexible
Red: M, 52, ex-husband, straight

Last edited by lunabunny; 01-18-2018 at 10:23 AM.
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  #17  
Old 01-18-2018, 10:24 AM
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Ahhh okay, sorry, re: the "spoken for" concept! I kind of latch on when people on here (or anywhere) seem like they are subconsciously ascribing monogamous concepts to polyamorous people and/or relationships. Thank you for the clarification!

And re: how you and Boho got involved, and you became poly, thank you for that clarification as well. Sorry for assuming you were like, always poly. I should have gotten that from the original post, but somehow that escaped me.

Good luck! Sounds like you are all on the right track.
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  #18  
Old 01-18-2018, 11:20 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Yes, it's quite the paradigm shift, PurpleSun, and I'm still getting used to it. I am aware I may sometimes rub long-time poly folk up the wrong way - no pun intended - because I haven't quite made the transition yet on a subconscious level, though I'm trying.

Thanks for the well wishes.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible, in a LDR committed relationship with Boho
Jester: M, 59, straight, "it's complicated"
Boho: F, 56, primary partner, heteroflexible
Red: M, 52, ex-husband, straight
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  #19  
Old 01-18-2018, 12:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
Yes, it's quite the paradigm shift, PurpleSun, and I'm still getting used to it. I am aware I may sometimes rub long-time poly folk up the wrong way - no pun intended - because I haven't quite made the transition yet on a subconscious level, though I'm trying.

Thanks for the well wishes.
Aww, lunabunny, you don't rub me the wrong way! I just pick up on things lots of newbies don't. I've literally been poly my entire life. I'm oriented to be this way. I've never been monogamous. I couldn't not be poly anymore than I could not be gay. I just like to point out those little things when I see them.

And no problem, I wish you guys all the happiness in the world.
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