Phy's story - As you like it

Oh dear, Phy. I'm sorry your mother is reacting in such a way and stressing you out. The only two things I could think of while reading your posts are:

1.) She is in shock. People in shock do and say strange things they wouldn't normally say. She is trying to cope with seeing that the truth of a situation is different from what she thought it was. It's like the pictures that have been hanging on the wall for years have been ripped down and something unfamiliar has replaced them.

Her mind had you and Sward and Lin in certain compartments, as we all have brains that categorize in order to understand what we see. So, now the compartments are different, it is like her brain has to shuffle things around and re-order everything. It is confusing, so she is trying to rationalize and is blaming you, but doing that is a fine line away from criticizing herself - because she raised you and taught you, so why didn't it stick? Why don't you know better? What did she do wrong?

My sense is that this is just a stage she is going through while processing the shock, and things will eventually be civil between you again.

I think, once she has calmed down a bit, it will do her good for Sward to go and talk to her, very gently and compassionately, to reassure her that he is happy and that you three consider each other a family. He should tell her that it was his choice as much as yours to live the way you do. I think that will soften her.

2.) Regarding the appearance in your community, I think all you have to do is remind her, "Have you ever seen us do anything to bring you shame in front of your friends? Have we ever conducted ourselves in any undignified or disrespectful way? Have you ever seen us do something that you need to worry about? We are still the same people who love you and care about you, and the fact that we have an unconventional life does not change that."
 
Thanks for this. I know you are right, but it's hard to keep it at an intellectual level right now. As I knew that things are just messy at the moment and nothing good will come out of talking, I already refused to talk to anyone about it yesterday evening (my sister invited me to come talk to her if I feel the need to) and decided to wait some days. Things said till everyone calmed down can only be hurtful in this situation.

I think, once she has calmed down a bit, it will do her good for Sward to go and talk to her, very gently and compassionately, to reassure her that he is happy and that you three consider each other a family. He should tell her that it was his choice as much as yours to live the way you do. I think that will soften her.

That's what the three of us discussed as well. I hope that she will be able to listen. As she is right now she would expect me to have some creepy mind-controlling abilities, sending him over to tell her what I want her and him to believe … I still can't believe that my mother can be like that.

2.) Regarding the appearance in your community, I think all you have to do is remind her, "Have you ever seen us do anything to bring you shame in front of your friends? Have we ever conducted ourselves in any undignified or disrespectful way? Have you ever seen us do something that you need to worry about? We are still the same people who love you and care about you, and the fact that we have an unconventional life does not change that."

She knows this. I know that she does, but it doesn't matter right now. All the same that she knows that Sward is a great guy. I don't know how long this will take to normalize again. I understand what she is getting at as well. There has been a situation where my skirt was criticized because it was too short some years ago. They didn't talk to me, they talked to my mother and she felt looked down on because she couldn't influence me better to be more like the others are.

I know as well that those aren't my friends. Those persons are a circle that I don't come in contact with that often. And I know that those people are of some importance for her. I am sorry that we will be a problematic topic there for her to face from time to time. But I don't think that this will happen often. But the frequency doesn't matter right now as well. *sigh* We will see.
 
I'm so sorry to hear those things, it must be very hurtful. :(

Right now I'm thinking about the hardships RP had with her family when she told them about Mono, have you seen the thread? Just goes to show that really very hurtful things can be said and done by family, but then with time and patience, and by avoiding escalating the situation, things can be resolved for the best. I really believe that will happen for you, too, though it must be hard to face the judgement now. :(
 
Two Christmas' ago, my dad, Runic Wolf, and my brother and sister outed me as bi to my mom. They all knew, but she hadn't picked up on it. She ignored it until a friend transferred her Myspace pictures to Facebook and tagged a picture of me and another female friend making out while drunk. My mother saw this, freaked out to my other sister about how she didn't understand, how she thought she'd raised me right, etc. My mother refused to answer the phone when I called for a month after I untagged myself.

When we did talk, she said that she didn't want to know. That she preferred to pretend that I'm not bi and that I have a "normal" marriage. A friend of mine called it willful disbelief.

I love my mother, so I don't press the issue, but it means that I get alot of "I don't want to know what you do in your house" comments, which makes me sad because we used to be able to talk about everything and now there is this zone of unmentionable stuff. :(

I hope that things settle down soon and pray that your mom stops being so hurtful.
 
First of all, thanks for the support. Great of you to show this much sympathy and concern.

In regard to similar situations (like RP's) yes, I read about them and I know that things will eventually be in one way or the other 'OK'. I doubt that I personally will feel like they are alright as long as any pretense will be part of the picture. Right now, that is what I get. She is completely ignoring the problems and smiles brightly at me whenever we meet. Makes me furious, but I keep my cool and keep away for now.

I decided to talk about the stuff she said and about how unacceptable it is for me to leave this be till she may come around in a year or two to be able to talk about the poly stuff. We don't have to talk everything through right now, but we need to talk about the way she reacted. I will offer her to move away as soon as our financial situation and my future work will allow it, if this helps her cope with it and if it is what she really wants.

I will have the talk with my father this evening. If he reacts as badly as my mother … things will be rough the next weeks. The worst outcome right now is the one you described BrigidsDaughter. That would be something I couldn't live with on a daily basis. If that is their ultimate reaction, I would move away for my own sake.

And a final note: Just thought about how conceited I was for calling my life too positive. Put some kind of kiss of death on it as it seems. Fits the pile of problems around here just too well. Just got too used to everyone being OK with things and wasn't able to estimate how disturbing things could be for indirectly involved family members. Learned my lesson.
 
Oh Phy, I'm so sorry :( Family can hurt us like nobody else can. I don't really have anything constructive to say, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope things can be resolved and relationships mended.
 
Thanks to you as well Jenny, getting this much support is great.
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I feel … strange. Yes, that's mainly it. I told my father. I am kind of flashed by his reaction. He knew that there has to be 'something' since I first visited Lin, he said. “You wouldn't travel this far without a reason.” I am scared to trust this peaceful ending. It's too good to last after all the things that happened with my mother. There's something in the wind, I don't know if it is positive or negative. If he really keeps his cool like that, the outcome can only be positive, maybe even influencing my mother in a way. If he suffers the same development like her, hell will break loose during the upcoming days. Too scared to be happy right now.

I talked with my mother this morning. The estimation that she may have been too shocked to notice what she said in which way seems to fit. I asked her if she wants to be present during the talk with my father. She wanted to go out with the dog. (She was convinced that he would be outraged.) After some silent seconds she asked me if there may have been a misunderstanding during our last talk. I asked why. She said, that she never wanted us to move away, but that she wished that the situation would be like that as it would make things easier for her. Play on semantics kind of, still meaning the same to me but I get that she didn't mean it like I perceived it.

I tried to explain that I just came over because I was worried how she may feel and to check if everything was OK, she felt interrogated and pressed to discuss the issue. “You always want to discuss everything endlessly. I don't work like that. You caught me in the worst possible moment.” She simply needs time, she says. Lots of it. I said that's fine and that I won't talk to her about this topic anymore and she agreed that it would be the best to wait till she has reached the stage where she would be able to joke about it. I doubt that she noticed how hurtful most of her comments were, but I delayed this. It won't do us any good to discuss the personal level and accusations that were talked about. She isn't able to cope with this at the moment and I am not that stingy and heartless to pressure her with something like that. Her concept of the world was severely altered, she will simply need the time she asked for. And that's OK, I needed lots of it as well back then.

I am so, so, sooo hoping that my father is really coping this well. I am astonished that he was so calm and nonchalant about it. He wasn't shocked, not hyper like my mother when I told her, not careful like my sister, he just said that we would have to live with this and that I shouldn't neglect my studies and that we should make sure that this works out. (With a little smile :) )“Do what makes you happy.” How can parents be this different and especially, how can one be this surprised by them and judge them so wrongly. All of us thought that my father would be the one having the biggest problems adjusting to everything. Right now it seems that my mother is the one, who will have the hardest time.

Really curious what the week will bring for us. As I said, too scared to hope for the best.
 
A first, careful résumé

Here we are, end of the week, new week beginning, everything's levelly. I have no idea what has been going on behind the curtain next door, but my mother talked to me quite naturally for roughly half an hour yesterday. It was quite a sight to see her in her chair in the garden, staying in the shadows, exposing her nearly hairless head for it to get a bit tanned. It suits her. I was quite surprised, but her face doesn't look weird after the hair is gone. A bit pale, but OK. It makes her vulnerable in a way. I am not totally satisfied with the situation, but it's OK as long as it works out like that. Of course, I have been curious if my father may have said something to her, but as promised, I skipped the poly-topic.

In regard to our current situation, we are doing fine. Except for the commotion with my mother, everything worked out all right. The situation with the girl and the co-worker is still unsolved, but Sward isn't constantly thinking about it any longer. He felt a great deal of responsibility and I am glad that he starts to distant himself from this. There was nothing he could have done; how could one possibly know or guess that something like that would happen? He starts to come around again.

Lin was really disappointed and frustrated by the reaction of my mother. He really liked her and couldn't believe his ears when she flipped like that. But when I said, that it was acceptable to handle things this way and that I will talk to her about the other comments later, it was OK for him as well. He is such a pragmatic and practical person. I know that if something angered me this much, I would have held personal resentment against this person. He can just leave it be. But I guess the disappointment will remind in the back of his head for now.

On a personal note: I finally managed to lose some weight. Four kilos are already gone. For me to be absolutely happy again, I want to lose at least 10 kilos, even better would be 20. But as I picked up my sport again (I neglected the workout when things got hectic around the wedding), I don't think that I will lose this much weight while building some muscles. We will see, I know how the shape should look like :)

I am not so happy with my plan to have some kind of a weekly date with Sward. Lin was the one picking up on my idea and informing Sward that Sunday would be 'our day'. Meaning that Lin wanted to get lost in his room or next door (brother-in-law and sister) to give us some time and space. But when the day arrived, we went to the gym and did some things on our own later on. We weren't in the mood to cuddle up on the sofa and watch a film. Maybe we will manage to do so today. I need a way to get used to scheduled quality time as it seems and Sward needs to as well.
 
I am not so happy with my plan to have some kind of a weekly date with Sward. Lin was the one picking up on my idea and informing Sward that Sunday would be 'our day'. Meaning that Lin wanted to get lost in his room or next door (brother-in-law and sister) to give us some time and space. But when the day arrived, we went to the gym and did some things on our own later on. We weren't in the mood to cuddle up on the sofa and watch a film. Maybe we will manage to do so today. I need a way to get used to scheduled quality time as it seems and Sward needs to as well.

A full day may just be too ambitious a goal, especially for every week. Maybe just breakfast in bed and a few alone hours ;), knowing that the rest of the day will be spent on normal stuff. One week it could be a special breakfast and the next picnic in the park, etc.
 
Glad things have levelled out with your ma, even if there are outstanding issues. Also happy to hear Lin can put the hurt to one side, at least in his ways of speaking and relating. You're all doing pretty well, given the outburst! Much love to you all on this one.

Re: scheduled quality time, one thing that's worked for me in the past is to take turns to organise what we'd do for the time we'd set aside. So it becomes a sort of surprise date.

I agree with SNeacail that a whole day could be a bit much to expect, but you could commit to some solid blocked out time for a bonding activity.
 
My fault, maybe that was a bit unclear. No, we didn't intend to spend the whole day together, apart from Lin. Just long enough to watch a movie or such, to have some hours for us alone.

We managed to do so today. We stayed at the gym a bit longer and spoke to our favorite coach. I know, this involved a third person, but both of us felt like those was some 'couple time', as well as doing our training together the hours before. And we let Lin sleep in (he loves to do that, Sward and I are usually up early, or at least earlier than Lin in my case). That meant we could have breakfast together and talk and do stuff uninterrupted. It was a nice morning.

And thanks for the love, Fuchka :)
 
Birthday and food

Time to update: A lot of minor stuff has happened.

In regard to the family, it was my sister's birthday on the 31st last month. We got some rituals around those days, meaning everyone gets together and sings our favorite song since kindergarden. I was a bit unsure if it would be OK to have Lin right there after what had happened, but I didn't feel like backing down right away. He has been with us on the other birthdays as well before. And there was a present from him for my sister on the table. (As you can see, still searching for reasons why it was all right ^.^' ) In the end, it was perfectly fine. We talked and had a good time testing some of her presents. My mother was mainly tired and not quite 'with us' in the end and my father spoke totally normal to Lin.

When I told Sward about my worries in advance, he said that if I was too unsure, I should talk to my sister and ask her. I didn't do that in the end, because it kind of didn't feel right to ask for permission to have my partners with me for something like singing a song and some idle chat. When I said something to Lin, he was like: ”I am part of this officially now. I won't be all over you, just like before everything will be totally normal and such, but I won't permit some shunning just because they now know about us. How should they get used to this, if I start to hide myself?” Of course he was right. I am just a bit insecure right now.

Apart from that, I started a new personal project: Getting healthy food-wise. As I already told you, I started the cooking project some time ago and it went well. I learned a lot. Now I decided that sport isn't enough to keep me fit and to prepare myself for the pregnancy and everything that goes with it, I started to look into our diet again. There are some nice online programs that are able to make sense of all the little bits and pieces contained in our daily food and I started to watch out for fat and carbohydrates and proteins. A whole new world opened up before me :D Still so many information I need to get used to, but finally, after one week, I start to get a feeling for what is good and what could be bad. Definitely something that will take some time.

As I have been sooo bloated and the heaviest I ever been around the wedding of my sister, I wanted to get a grip on my weight finally. And it seem to work out fine, I already lost 6 kilos. Maybe I will be able to go back to my weight around the time of Sward's and my wedding back in 2009. That would be a first step. Still about 8 kilos to go from here :) (Adding partners does me no good, with every men who entered my life I gained about 10 kilos :rolleyes:)
 
The first changes are apparent on my body. Mainly in the upper region unfortunately :rolleyes: We will see how much my figure will change … I am not that happy with that special development, but well, my weight is going down, that's all what matters to me right now. Let's see how I will look like in some weeks. Sward and Lin assured me that they can't say they don't care, but that it wouldn't matter that much if I change my outer appearance drastically. Lin joked, that he, if the outcome wouldn't please me, would start to learn how to bake to help me gain some weight again ^.^ What brought Sward to skip in and offer him some help, as he likes to bake and has done so from time to time (back in the days, when he knew what the words 'free time' really mean *sigh*).

As I have touched on the time thing: My schedule is packed right now. I upped my sport and course time quite a bit and am busy work and university-wise. Another project of mine (the healthy food one) is doing great and I am able to squeeze in some time every day to plan a yummi diet for each of us. Lin is a bit miffy, because he doesn't like all the sea food stuff I absolutely favor and waits for some changes on that front. I will cook his favorite meal on Sunday; some kind of birthday present :) Sward was the one reminding me of an opportunity to give him a new drawing board. We can't afford the really good ones, but even a cheap one should be better than constantly drawing with his mouse.

Sward and I have a hard time sleeping in our bedroom. Our dog is having a serious diarrhea and produces some gasses … you wouldn't believe it. As she is a bit older this can become life threatening. She lost 6 kilos already because of it and we aren't able to find the cause. We will try with some high quality food for now, as it may be a reaction to some additives in her normal food. If this doesn't work, we will have to look for some possible chronically reasons or dysfunctional organs. Not looking that great right now. I am really worried. I can't manage to stay in the room, when she 'gives it her all'. We have an air freshener, but it doesn't help that much.

(Totally not poly at all again. Seems as if our unspectacular life is back.)
 
Sward, Cutie and Marrone.

Warning, absolutely poly related this time :)

Sward's inner workings. I thought about this for some time now. While talking about poly and what the future may hold, Sward voiced an interest in a mutual friend/acquaintance. Maybe it was helpful that I have always said that I could imagine him developing feelings like that, but whatever the reasons may be, I still was a bit surprised. It came up on a non serious level back then and I kind of suspected something from his side since who knows when.

She is totally his type. Odd thing is, I am totally not, theoretically ^.^ All of his girlfriends before me were small, blond, really slender, the overall impression: tiny and cute. I was and am the complete opposite. When we met (oh dear, I need a name again … ) Cutie is really just too fitting for her. Fine, when we first met Cutie, Sward and I cuddled her all evening long and carried her from one place to the other. Similar to how you treat little whelps. Everyone should know the special tone the voice is able to produce when seeing those little creatures. We still have that as soon as we meet her and she immediately flings her arms around Sward's or even my neck when we meet to be hugged and carried around for a while. Even if you add her arm's length to her body height, her feet lose ground as soon as we straighten up again. I like her, but she is not my type of woman for sure. Tooo damn cute :p

Well, be that as it may, Cutie is on Sward's list as it seems. There is no prospect in any possible way right now, but she was the one he thought of when I asked for possible future partners. Her relationship had just gone through a rough patch. During the bachelor party her boyfriend (the groomsman btw, my BiL's best friend) drank too much and didn't wanted to leave with all of us when the evening was finally declared to be over. She was tired and wanted to go home and there was some tension between them before and during all the wedding preparations as well. He said something along the lines that he doesn't care any longer what she does and that he didn't know if there was even some kind of future for them any longer. Seems like he finally spoke some kind of truth he carried in his heart. They fixed the problems as it seems by now.

But all of this got me thinking a bit. The 'what ifs' again. What would be my take on this, if Sward would decide to go after her, given the situation that her relationship really ended or the theoretical possibility that she and her boyfriend may be open to this. I doubt that I would want her around on a daily basis. Yes, she is cute and all, a nice person and what not, but she isn't the type I could live with. All guessing obviously, I don't know her that privately, we would have to try that out, but I think that she could have a side to her that would collide with my personal quirks. Nevertheless, I can imagine Sward having some kind of physical relationship with her (even though that is kind of hard to do, as she is sooo small, but the practical things aren't up to me to manage). I would need to get to know her for sure but I am not against this, when thinking about it.

While I pondered about this possibility, I could easily think about someone, I would never be OK with. Marrone. She has been an interest of Sward back in his teenager years. I really like her as a friend. But that's as far as it goes. I couldn't accept her as a love interest because of the way she handles her relationship right now. This speaks of her inner workings and values and it would be unacceptable to welcome someone who thinks that cheating is a proper way to end a relationship (Because all of us are convinced that she is searching for a way out without having the stressful conversation of just saying “It's over between us.” and be the one who ended it and therefore be 'at fault' for whatever she connects with this). I would be totally against him pursuing her.

As soon as it comes to my personal space, live and let live isn't at work any longer. I am such a controlling person, I realized. It will be extremely hard to find someone fitting into our real 'inner circle' so to speak from my point of view. Even Cutie is, right now, not fit to enter it. I will have an eye on things in that regard.
 
Lin's birthday

Feeling so happy right now that I got the urge to write about it, and as I am here some more minutes till I can get active, I decided to get things on (virtual) paper right away.

It is Lin's birthday today. He is a soccer fan and right now the European championship is taking place. Yesterday evening we watched the game (Germany - Portugal) together on our couch, all three of us. I had thought about an evening just for Lin and me but it felt better that way, as Sward wanted to celebrate the evening as well. But he had offered to spend the night at Marrone's place to give us some alone time. Lin declined, as he didn't think of his birthday as something that special (Well, he turned 30 this year, it is some kind of special as far as I am concerned). They had a good time watching our team win (I can hardly say that I am a fan, I was a bit bored, but hey, whatever pleases them – at least from time to time :p )

We went to Lin's room (my night with him) half an hour before midnight and kind of summarized the last year. As it has been his birthday last year, when I visited to make sure if everything could work out between us, the date felt kind of important to me. He said that everything went as good as it possibly could and that he was happy with everything right now (in regard to our relationship(s)). He is right, things are great and have been great between the three of us seemingly ever since.

When I got up this morning, I discovered Sward in the kitchen, preparing the favorite cake of Lin (bee sting cake). I didn't think of planning this far ahead, I am horrible at making presents in general and always forget about everything and am unbelievable uncreative. It was so sweet to see him standing there, making preparations, planning the course of the day (he wants to go to the spa gardens, walk around, go for a boat trip and such) and asked with a bright smile on his face, how the night has been.

*sigh* I love them. I can't say it any different and haven't actually said those words straight to Lin at all, but I do. (I trust you, you can keep this a secret for now. ;) ) Looking forward to what the day may have in stall for us.
 
Your post made me so smiley!!! :)

You three have created a beautiful family, and I wish you all many, many more years of joy :)
 
Thanks and some pictures

Thanks Jenny for giving some feedback. Glad that something I wrote made you smile. Love making people smile. And so want to second your wish for more happy years to come :eek:

The day went great. We went for a walk. Both of them were a bit 'unmotivated' to walk that long, the spa gardens are huge, but we had a good time. Even though it should have rained, there was sunny weather, which was luck as well. Lin suggested to add some pictures, so here we go :D

First one was taken while walking through the inner part of the gardens, second was one of the rare landscape ones, but still outside the real gardens (we know that place, therefore we don't take pictures any more but I thought it could give some kind of impression) and the third is the only one with Sward in it, as he didn't let go of the camera all day long (as always :rolleyes: - he is talking to Marrone, she came over later for some coffee and cake). I am not good at taking pictures as it seems, the whole angle is so off ^.^ Lastly, at the close of the day, we went to the beer garden. Hurray for sunny days when you need some *cheers*
 
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Yay! Photos :) Thanks for those

I like the one you took. I tend to do sideways pics too. Ah, happy families... Love these experiences, they make for very sustaining memories. Heart food
 
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