NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

Why is a secondary left alone? Why wouldn't the two other people be taking care of the third as well as each other?

It sounds like you defer to them as a couple, as if they are in charge -- but you're in the relationship, too! Why not reach out to them? Also, are you seeing anyone else? Maybe you need to go out on some dates when they're not available.

I have tried to reach out and I am not getting the results I feel I need to feel better. I can't figure out if I am not communicating clearly, or if they are just being really emotionally dense/insensitive. I have been telling them a lot lately about how lonely I feel now that they've moved away and I see them so infrequently compared to how it was. Last night they both feel asleep when we had planned to get together and I hadn't seen them in two days. Finally, at 10 he texted to let me know they fell asleep and that he was sorry, but said he was going to go back to sleep. I told him I felt ignored and he apologized and said they were up until 4:30 working on homework.

Then the next morning she texted to apologize and I let her know right away that I felt neglected, that I understood they were busy, but it was making me feel so lonely to be so far from them and have such sparse communication, because I miss the closeness we used to share.
She didn't get back to me for 6 hours! Meanwhile I asked both of them if they wanted to do dinner tonight. They both knew I had a big program today that I have been coordinating for months, neither of them texted to see how it went. I ended up texting both of them when I was done to ask again if they were interested in dinner. That was at 4pm. By 5 I let them know that I was eating without them because I hadn't heard from them.

I feel like I have lost a relationship that meant so much to me, and they don't even seem to care. I feel like I was just a fun thing to occupy their time while I was their neighbor. They were so attentive and loving, caring and proactive about wanting to see me. Now everything has changed.

finally they asked if I wanted to come over and do some work. When I got there I was coolly received. I thought I might get some comfort, some kind words, some reassurances, but no. I just got quick hugs and a hello.

your right, I defer to them. I don't think they are ready to treat me the way I need to be treated. I think I might have to get out of this relationship, but the thought of doing that makes me so sad. I really opened myself up to them, let myself fall deeply in love thinking that they would continue to take care of me the way they did for the first 7 months.

I have been trying to date but I just yearn for their attention while I am out with others, and I get envious that they are together living their lives leaving me out...I don't know how to overcome that.

Sorry, I just needed to vent that. I am really overwhelmed with emotions today.
 
i guess it really depends on the people involved. seems like the situation is not as ideal as it once was. life does have a habit of getting in the way sometimes, and presenting challenges to the things or people we want to do or see.

are you able to set up a date night, day, or something of that nature? have you talked to your love interest about spending more time together, about making more time for one another.

communication and caring are a two way street. keep things as open an honest as you can, and always try to keep in mind the challenges that your love ones face as well.

hope things improve.
schtuff

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have talked to them, but they seem very preoccupied and unmotivated to really support me. The beginning of this relationship was very difficult for Sarah, so I spent late nights speaking with her, comforting her, showering her with loving words, texts throughout the day. Now that I am the one struggling I feel like no one is giving me that kind of care that I shared. I wonder if I come off as strong, or cold so maybe they don't know how to comfort me....but I have been pretty clear about feeling lonely, neglected and ignored, but no action has been taken on their parts to help me feel better.
 
I'm sorry that you are struggling. Hopefully you'll find some help here.

I have been a secondary many times in my life and have not experienced what you are currently experiencing. I don't think the issue is the end of NRE, but a change of circumstances.

You haven't given us much information, so I'm not sure how to help you. Is your relationship with one or both of them? Are you a triad? Do you have individual relationships with both of them? Are they perhaps struggling with something else that is taking their attention right now?

Please give us more info. :) Thanks.

JG
 
Yeah, I would class this under problems caused by partner(s) being jerks, which is not limited to poly by any stretch. They need to either shape up and treat you with the respect and warmth you deserve, or at least explain what the heck the deal is. Maybe instead of regularly bringing it up, like you have been and which can just become nagging, you could just wait until they have the time and mental energy to see you and then have a bigger, serious conversation with them about it. If they won't make the time for that, or won't listen and respond in a caring way, they're not worth it.
 
Finally, at 10 he texted to let me know they fell asleep and that he was sorry, but said he was going to go back to sleep. I told him I felt ignored and he apologized and said they were up until 4:30 working on homework.

Wait a minute--they were up most of the night doing homework? So it's quite reasonable that they were dead tired and fell asleep way early the following evening..and you're fussing at them for being insensitive?

I'll suggest that somebody else was being insensitive.

And you expect instantaneous replies to texts? Seriously? Do you really think they have absolutely nothing else going on during the day that they sit and wait for texts from you so they can respond immediately?

And you're only 15 minutes away? Why don't you just go visit when you're needing contact because you're so close? Why are you expecting them to do everything for you?
 
Polycouple,

When they aren't overtaxed with homework, etc., and have some temporal wiggle room, try asking them whether you still occupy the special place in their hearts as you had done
before the move. Be prepared for the truth. It could be good news. It could be disappointing. Be strong!
 
Wait a minute--they were up most of the night doing homework? So it's quite reasonable that they were dead tired and fell asleep way early the following evening..and you're fussing at them for being insensitive?

I'll suggest that somebody else was being insensitive.

And you expect instantaneous replies to texts? Seriously? Do you really think they have absolutely nothing else going on during the day that they sit and wait for texts from you so they can respond immediately?

And you're only 15 minutes away? Why don't you just go visit when you're needing contact because you're so close? Why are you expecting them to do everything for you?

You are right it was reasonable for them to be tired. All I wanted was for them to let me know that they would be tired and unable to hang out like we had planned. Instead, they feel asleep during a time frame that we were supposed to see one another after not seeing one another for almost three days.

And no, I don't expect an immediate response, but I do think 5-6 hours is a long response time considering that morning I let them know how sad and lonely I was about them moving away and standing me up after not seeing me for almost three days. Also, considering that all they were doing was school work on the couch all day, and additionally considering that I was coordinating one of the biggest programs on my job description so it would have been really nice for them to check in with me to see how it went. So if you think that is me being insensitive then I guess we will just have to disagree! I expect my loved ones to be responsive when I am sad, and I expect them to care about the outcome of something that is important to me. I don't think that is asking too much, and I happily do that for both of them all the time.

You have to understand I saw these two individuals EVERY DAY for over six months. We drank coffee together every morning, and met up immediately once we got home to cook dinner and work together and we would kiss each other good night right before bed. SO yea, 15 minutes sounds like nothing but that 15 minutes has fundamentally changed how much time we spend together, and has changed my routine that I enjoyed very much, a routine that brought me a feeling of closeness, family that I have not felt in a long time. I would not just drive over to their house unannounced. That would make me feel creepy.
 
I'm sorry that you are struggling. Hopefully you'll find some help here.

I have been a secondary many times in my life and have not experienced what you are currently experiencing. I don't think the issue is the end of NRE, but a change of circumstances.

You haven't given us much information, so I'm not sure how to help you. Is your relationship with one or both of them? Are you a triad? Do you have individual relationships with both of them? Are they perhaps struggling with something else that is taking their attention right now?

Please give us more info. :) Thanks.

JG

Thanks Julia!

We are in a triad, and I am involved with both of them. I have been advocating for us to all have individual couple time, but that has not gone over well. Its probably the most contentious issues in our relationship. I am in counseling right now trying to decide how to deal with the situations, trying to decide whether I can stay in the relationship if the bundaries don;t change. I can have individual social time and sexy time with the female in the relationship, Sarah, but she is not comfortable with me having individual time with Tom. She did support us spending time together when she had to work, but we were respectful of her boundaries to not be intimate while she was not there (save a few times early on when we broke those boundaries). Now that she does not work, I do not have individual time with either of them, and it is driving me a little nuts...
 
Ugh. What is it about some people who are coupled failing to understand the importance of individual time with each partner?? How are you supposed to build basic emotional intimacy if you can never really connect with someome on a one to one basis? Can't they see that the fact that they get to spend time one on one with each other, but you don't get that sort of time with either of them, leaves you always the outsider? How do they think that is supposed to make you feel? What is the rationale for it? Does she think her husband will leave her for you if you two bond? If so, how can she be in this situation in the first place?

I think she has some serious soul searching to do as to her reasoning for that particular boundary, and its impact on the relationship structure she is trying to build.
 
Thanks Julia!

We are in a triad, and I am involved with both of them. I have been advocating for us to all have individual couple time, but that has not gone over well. Its probably the most contentious issues in our relationship. I am in counseling right now trying to decide how to deal with the situations, trying to decide whether I can stay in the relationship if the bundaries don;t change. I can have individual social time and sexy time with the female in the relationship, Sarah, but she is not comfortable with me having individual time with Tom. She did support us spending time together when she had to work, but we were respectful of her boundaries to not be intimate while she was not there (save a few times early on when we broke those boundaries). Now that she does not work, I do not have individual time with either of them, and it is driving me a little nuts...

Care to explain this part ? You and Tom broke boundaries at some point early on ?

It takes people a long time to regain trust, when boundaries are broke in crucial stages.
 
She did support us spending time together when she had to work, but we were respectful of her boundaries to not be intimate while she was not there (save a few times early on when we broke those boundaries).

Care to explain this part ? You and Tom broke boundaries at some point early on ?

It takes people a long time to regain trust, when boundaries are broke in crucial stages.

The history is in this thread: Moving toward equanimity in a triad - What is your experience?
 
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Ugh. What is it about some people who are coupled failing to understand the importance of individual time with each partner?? How are you supposed to build basic emotional intimacy if you can never really connect with someome on a one to one basis? Can't they see that the fact that they get to spend time one on one with each other, but you don't get that sort of time with either of them, leaves you always the outsider? How do they think that is supposed to make you feel? What is the rationale for it? Does she think her husband will leave her for you if you two bond? If so, how can she be in this situation in the first place?

I think she has some serious soul searching to do as to her reasoning for that particular boundary, and its impact on the relationship structure she is trying to build.

So you're in a triad with a married couple, and you don't face any of these issues? I am envious! :)


Sarah and Tom are new to this polyamory thing. Falling in love with me is nothing they, or I expected. They were also mono for 5 years. Her jealousy management has not caught up with her hearts ability to fall in love with two people. I understand all this, but it is still extremely frustrating and sadening for me. Problem is, it's taking a toll on me, and I am not sure where the line between compassion/patience and being taken advantage of is. Sometimes I feel really taken advantage of...
 
So you're in a triad with a married couple, and you don't face any of these issues? I am envious! :)

Not a triad *exactly* (see my signature). If I were dating Eric as well as Gia maybe some of these insecurities would have come up. But my stance would still be the same. Anyways, we have our own issues, like anyone. :)

Problem is, it's taking a toll on me, and I am not sure where the line between compassion/patience and being taken advantage of is. Sometimes I feel really taken advantage of...

This will erode things very quickly if it doesn't change. I would suggest gently seeking the time with them for a serious talk soon (while being sensitive to the time and energy issues they seem to be having right now)... and if they just can't or won't give that to you, telling them that you need to step back from things for now for your own emotional well-being, and that they are welcome to contact you when they are ready to treat you like the sort of partner you want to be to them (try to say it in the most straight forward and least emotionally manipulative way possible... my wording may not have been the best).

Of course, then you have to actually follow through and step back. It might be good for you, you can focus on other things and regroup, relax. With space, hopefully they'll either realize how much they miss you or realize that they feel better on their own... if the latter, well, better that come out sooner rather than later.
 
Care to explain this part ? You and Tom broke boundaries at some point early on ?

It takes people a long time to regain trust, when boundaries are broke in crucial stages.

This is the part that hit me. And I will admit right now, honesty and trust are big-ticket items for me personally, so take this with a grain of salt.

For me, personally... if I was with someone who, with my husband, broke boundaries we had established-- there would need to be a lot of work afterward in order to regain trust. For *me*... I understand people fuck up. But when you fuck up you admit you fucked up, you apologize for fucking up and then you ask what it takes to regain that trust and do it. I see way too many people who break someone's trust and then don't understand why the relationship has changed and people and things don't work as they did before.

And for *me*... once that trust is broken, I would WANT to forgive, but unless the other person is expressing apologies for breaking my trust and wanting to know how to fix it-- it wouldn't happen.

I did go back and reread the other thread. I think the two of you (you and Tom) have been abusing her trust. Sorry, that's how I feel. You spend 5 nights together--just because you CAN? And you broke her trust and basically cheated behind her back... cuz you couldn't help yourselves? Nice.

She may not know you cheated, or have proof, but my guess is she has a feeling about it and that's what is keeping her from fully engaging in this relationship. Match that with Tom's past of cheating and lying to her-- and you wonder why she doesn't jump at your texts at feeling left out?

I'm just not getting how this is an honest relationship in any way...
 
You've told us before how much your alone time with Tom bothered Sarah. It sounds like she's taking the time she needs now, maybe catching up on what she missed over the last little while.

Yes, she was jealous and insecure, but as I recall, you spent nearly all of your free time with Tom. That would scream cowgirl to me.

To me, you sound needy and codependent ... So very lonely when you're only 15 minutes away? It would be an instant turn-off for me.

Go out, make some more friends. Join new activities. Give them some space to rebuild their relationship.

I did go back and reread the other thread. I think the two of you (you and Tom) have been abusing her trust. Sorry, that's how I feel. You spend 5 nights together--just because you CAN? And you broke her trust and basically cheated behind her back... cuz you couldn't help yourselves? Nice.

She may not know you cheated, or have proof, but my guess is she has a feeling about it and that's what is keeping her from fully engaging in this relationship. Match that with Tom's past of cheating and lying to her-- and you wonder why she doesn't jump at your texts at feeling left out?

I'm just not getting how this is an honest relationship in any way...

This. Karma is a bitch and I don't think you're suffering any more than Sarah was while you and Tom were joined at the hip.
 
Thanks nycindie !

Having caught up on the situation, I can say that the display of insensitivity, impatience, feeling taken advantage of, and sadness might be more on the other foot.

We reap what we sow.
 
I just read the OP's other thread. I think the other posters are being a little harsh, polycouple. That's what we do here, tough love, and certainly it's better to be honest if a boundary was broken, but knowing the history of the situation doesn't change my take on it significantly (I assume you were sincere about your remorse and it didn't happen again, at least?).

If anything, my biggest new piece of advice based on reading your other thread is that I think y'all moved too fast. It's *hard* integrating a new person into an existing relationship, there are sooooo many dynamics to work out, and to so quickly start spending 5-6 nights a week with one of the members of the couple you're involved with... well, I can see how whiplash happened for the other member, and how things just didn't go smoothly, especially since it sounded like you guys prioritized sex over the hard work of talking out your feelings/fears/desires and figuring out a setup that would actually work for all involved.

Slowing down and more long, deep talks should have happened earlier. Hopefully it's not too late for them to happen now. Be brave. Equality is a great goal but it takes significant time. Are you interested in or "allowed" to date outside them?
 
I just read the OP's other thread. I think the other posters are being a little harsh, polycouple. That's what we do here, tough love, and certainly it's better to be honest if a boundary was broken, but knowing the history of the situation doesn't change my take on it significantly (I assume you were sincere about your remorse and it didn't happen again, at least?).

If anything, my biggest new piece of advice based on reading your other thread is that I think y'all moved too fast. It's *hard* integrating a new person into an existing relationship, there are sooooo many dynamics to work out, and to so quickly start spending 5-6 nights a week with one of the members of the couple you're involved with... well, I can see how whiplash happened for the other member, and how things just didn't go smoothly, especially since it sounded like you guys prioritized sex over the hard work of talking out your feelings/fears/desires and figuring out a setup that would actually work for all involved.

Slowing down and more long, deep talks should have happened earlier. Hopefully it's not too late for them to happen now. Be brave. Equality is a great goal but it takes significant time. Are you interested in or "allowed" to date outside them?

Yea, I think people are being a little harsh too, but there is a lot of truth to some of it.

I think I am not suffering anymore than Sarah was when she had to go to work and experienced Tom and I together so much.

I do believe what Tom and I did was wrong and I wish we never had broken boundaries. We made the decision to stop a long time ago, and to keep it in the past. I know many of you will have a huge problem with that, and I understand why. It's dishonest. I know many of you will also believe that the relationship will never be genuine because of this, that I deserve all the bad things I have coming to me, and that I am a horrible, terrible person and give poly a bad name.

I've wondered if I am codependent, maybe I am. I also thought my feeling s are kind of natural since I went from seeing them every day, to seeing them a few times a week for much shorter spans of time. Isn't it natural to miss the peolpe you love when you don;t see them as much?

I also think part of my loneliness is due to suffering from my breakup with my fiance, who I was with for 9 years. We were poly, and broke up about three months into my relationship with Tom and Sarah.

I def think I need to date and continue to see friends outside of my relationship which is advice I headed from the last thread I posted. I am an introverted person so meeting and trying to build friendship is not always energizing, in fact sometimes its flat out exhausting. I am someone who really appreciates having a few very intimate and close friends and companions. Does that make me codependent?

I just miss Tom and Sarah so much....I guess no one really understands what a big difference 15 minutes makes when they were once 50 feet away. They have asked me to move in with them as a solution to all this. I don't think that is a good option considering what I have heard others on here have been through. Plus, I said I would need the boundaries to be different before moving in together. Plus, they have a cat and I am allergic, and I really appreciate my own space at the end of the day. We sometimes fantasize about building an in law apartment...some day if the relationship continues that might be a good option. Of course, I have no idea where the job market will take me when I get my masters.

Anywho, I really appreciate everyone reading my long winded posts, even those that give me "tough love," and even those that flat out criticize me. The guidance and support is most helpful to me, so thank you most of all to those who remain compassionate despite the things I am not proud of.
 
I know you just said you weren't going to, but I feel the need to emphasize this... DO NOT. MOVE IN. WITH THEM. The fact they would suggest this highlights how new to poly they are. Greater proximity will greatly exacerbate whatever problems you're having now, it is in no way a solution.

Maybe you could find some articles, essays or other people's personal stories that resonate with your situation and ask them if they would read them. Their lack of understanding is natural but dangerous.

I think you're headed in a good direction with becoming more independent of them.

And as for the boundary breaking, if you're determined to leave it in the past then do so. Make sure you've really, really forgiven yourself and let it go. Not every secret *has* to be revealed. I have a strong policy of honesty, but I do believe that.
 
I do believe what Tom and I did was wrong and I wish we never had broken boundaries. We made the decision to stop a long time ago, and to keep it in the past. I know many of you will have a huge problem with that, and I understand why. It's dishonest. I know many of you will also believe that the relationship will never be genuine because of this, that I deserve all the bad things I have coming to me, and that I am a horrible, terrible person and give poly a bad name..

I can only speak for myself, in that we all do things that come back at us in some way. We all screw up, we all make mistakes. Nobody "deserves" bad shit to happen to them, sometimes it just does. But when we cause a situation by dishonesty and then it's not a positive situation--because it was dishonest-- that's not deserving something. That's consequences of actions. Maybe it's the mom in me, teaching my kids that when you do certain things you have to understand the consequences will come and they may not be nice. Doesn't mean they're bad people, just people that made a bad choice.

Still, it's not so much the mistakes we make, but how we act in the face of those mistakes. "Putting it in the past" was easier for the two of you, so that's what you did. And I do understand wanting to do that-- I truly do. I just think too often people do the easy thing instead of the right thing.

And I will say I am SUPER sensitive to this type of issue because I have been Sarah. So it is very personal to me, and I am sure that I sound (and am) very harsh about it. To me, honesty and trust is the basis of any friendship or relationship and without that, everything else is worthless and fake.

I also think part of my loneliness is due to suffering from my breakup with my fiance, who I was with for 9 years. We were poly, and broke up about three months into my relationship with Tom and Sarah.

It sounds like you have had a lot of loss lately. Maybe it's time to sit and figure out what that loss meant to you, and what you can do for yourself to get a bit more comfortable with some alone time to heal. Perhaps you clung onto them when you lost your fiance, and in all honesty you haven't really dealt with that loss at all yet, so the "loss" of so much time with them that was helping you NOT feel loss seems so much worse.

I've had to do a lot of looking at myself lately in the same arena-- in dealing with feelings that I've been burying or ignoring for a long time, in learning how to spend time alone again, and in finding a complete life by myself that I share with somebody instead of trying to make someone else my whole life. And I'm an introvert, too-- I get EXHAUSTED being social. And none of this is easy. Just something to think about, but maybe having a bit more time away from them will end up being a good thing that allows you to get more in tune with what you need from yourself-- and helps you bring a better you to the relationship.
 
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