Well-what have I opened??

Good, than don't feel guilty or sullied, think that you are lucky to have that support to lean on :)
 
What Natja said. I'm glad you have the support, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with Magdlyn - the hypocrisy is appalling. :mad:
 
Hugs from me, too.

I agree with everything that Magdlyn and Natja said, and want to send my sympathies to you.

I am coming from a strictly religious background, too, and nothing you told surprised me. I see the kind of behavior your husband is doing as one possible outcome of the crooked moral rules of strict religious groups. The hypocrisy is disgusting and he as an adult is responsible of his behavior, and what he does is WRONG. I have just seen this before... sad to say. It is a pattern. His getting any "better"... well, miracles do happen but I would not stay waiting one here.

You did not deserve this, no one does.
 
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The strict moral background is what kills me. And I think you're right-the shame about sex that FJ felt from a very early age because of it drove him underground and made this a shadow life.
 
The strict moral background is what kills me. And I think you're right-the shame about sex that FJ felt from a very early age because of it drove him underground and made this a shadow life.

Yes, this is what I meant. Making sexuality a sin and a taboo is disastrous, and the disaster makes itself apparent in a variety of ways. Having a double life is one possibility. My fate was serious depression - and there are other possible outcomes, too.

The shock of "But that is SOOO against our mutual moral code!!" is familiar to me, too. And it hurts... dammit, more than anything.
 
Grieving

Yes it hurts. Feel like I've been ripped in two. And like I'll never trust a man again. I am leaning toward divorcing him-for now I just need the space to feel and think. Going to therapy solo-and that's good for me. I am grieving the loss of my marriage and the family unit for my 5 precious children. It's so hard to explain to them, and I know I'm going to take the fall for being the one who wanted daddy to leave and wouldn't work on the relationship. It's tough.
 
All I can offer is hugs.

I am sorry you are going through this
 
I know I'm going to take the fall for being the one who wanted daddy to leave and wouldn't work on the relationship. It's tough.

Find a support group of other parents in similar situations. Family counseling with the kids would be helpful (IMO should be mandatory for every divorcing family or family going through major changes). So sorry for what your going through.

Side Note: Please get legal advice ASAP, no matter what you finally decide to do, you need to know your options and the risks of each coarse of action, including doing nothing. I've seen too many people, especially parents, get burned because they said "he/she would never do that".
 
Thanks for the advice! Thankfully my new job has great health care coverage, and I can get 4 visits with a counselor for each kid for free. Will def take advantage of that. And I have an appointment with an attorney known as a ball buster at the end of January. He's already given me a hard time about money just being separated. I don't trust him at all, or presume to know what he'll do. I have to be ready for anything. The kids are my biggest focus right now.
 
I am very sorry you are going through this. It sounds terrible. :(

The strict moral background is what kills me. And I think you're right-the shame about sex that FJ felt from a very early age because of it drove him underground and made this a shadow life.

This might be a reason, but it is not an excuse for his behavior. He could choose to feel shame and deal with it in appropriate ways.

It is a normal part of faith development to arrive at a time/place where you question the childhood faith to see if it still resonates or if you want to change traditions for young adulthood. Sometimes a person considers it again many times over across the many stages of life -- esp after big life stuff happens like a death in the family or a birth in the family.

People and their spiritual needs keep changing. While it is nice when one faith path can meet all the needs at all stages and ages, sometimes it does not and it is up to the individual to determine how they want to tend to their spiritual health and what role organized religion/community worship may or may not have in it at each point in time.

I believe a person's faith (of whatever religious tradition) is there to help shape one's character and encourage them to become their best self. No
religion that I know of encourages lies.

The behavior you describe is not in keeping with good character (to me.) :(
The behavior you describe is not sounding like him trying to be his best self. (to me.) :(

He's not been honest with himself and tending to his changing spiritual needs.
He's not been honest with his wife about his changing relationshipping needs.
Instead he chose less than honest or respectful behaviors.
There's a general lack of honesty all around it seems. :(

I hope you can get through this separation / divorce as quickly as possible.
It sounds like the best decision for YOU for your own long term health -- however painful it is and whatever emotional load you will have to process in the short term. Divorce is never fun. :(

He's already given me a hard time about money just being separated. I don't trust him at all, or presume to know what he'll do. I have to be ready for anything. The kids are my biggest focus right now.

That concerns me. Be careful of the "starve the spouse" game.

If you have finances saved up in joint, could consider pulling out your half of existing funds right now so the kids and you have something solid to live on during this transition time. Make a new checking acct in your name only. You don't need his permission to make withdraws if you are a joint holder on the old one. Then you don't have to engage in monthly fussing with your husband about bills. That just adds to stress all around. Save it for the big meetings with the lawyers.

Then later you could talk to mediator/lawyer/judge whoever it needs to be about separating additional marital assets, debts, and incoming funds. But anyone can see you need money to live on and deal with the kids in the transition time. So does he. So..... just remove your share and state what you did to the lawyers/mediators to fine tune arrangements later.

Being nickel and dime about how to deal with providing the kids with a calm home environment at this time is not in their best interest.

Again, I am very sorry you are experiencing this. I hope healing comes for you as quickly as possible. :eek:

Galagirl
 
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Please don't just withdraw the money into cash. Move it into another account, or even write checks to your most commonly used credit cards so that you have a surplus balance to get automatically deducted as you spend them.

Ideally you would write a check and have it deposited into a private bank account he can't access.
 
Like I said... that I know of. *shrug* I don't claim to know everything. And my personal experience isn't the same as others. YMMV.

While I know a few Mormons, they do not lie in their behavior. So my experience of the religion is framed in terms of these few people and how they express/practice their faith/beliefs. I'm not Mormon so I can't say what it is to be educated in that faith path or how other Mormons choose to express/practice their faith/beliefs.

That said... if the husband is unhappy in his faith path (whatever it is) and it doesn't serve him well? If he's unhappy with his sex life? He could have chosen to deal with that appropriately. He could have chosen to behave in a different way than choosing to skulk about seeking prostitutes, lying to his wife, or taking naked pix of her while she is unaware to give to other people. He just... didn't. He chose the behavior he chose.

So now OP has to deal with it and for that I am very sorry. It sounds like a terrible ordeal. :(

I think she's making a good choice to break up, heal, and then start anew later in her new life without him. A good relationship can't exist without trust and communication. She's endured heavy betrayal of trust. :(

Hang in there, franchescasc!

Galagirl
 
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I totally agree. And, I don't mean to hijack with my own personal story. Perhaps I'll say more in some other thread sometime. For now it's enough to say that the husband totally doesn't have a good excuse for his ridiculous behavior. I vote for a divorce, but I know that's kind of the plan by now anyway.
 
Thank you Galagirl. Trust is everything. Without it-any type of relationship is hard to have-much less a meaningful life partnership. Starting life anew with 5 children and no extended family will be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I intend to do it and excel at it.
 
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