Keeping other relationships alive while having a baby?

As for myself, I found it risky to grow up the child while being in poly - sooner or later you should open your self toward your baby or if you gonna hide it, I think you're only get more troubles with it in future
 
I don't know if this helps you any.

For me? If poly partners were not firmly in place before pregnancy? Then too bad. Nobody else could "come in the house." Because having children changes the deal and the dynamic. Anyone who cannot deal with small babies/children isn't gonna like it. And I didn't want my children getting attached to adults who disappear. As I near the end of the "active parenting" phase, I know I can renegotiate poly with my spouse. And I'll be honest. I've been fried for the last few years -- I'm sick of elders and their problems. I'm sick of raising kids. I don't want to hear any more teen angst things. But... I'm gonna finish strong and get the last one graduated and outta here. I'm looking forward to retirement and my next chapter. I'm excited about being ALONE with my spouse and renewing that bond. I'm excited about being FREE of old people and kids.

I totally get the grandparents who want to be doting grandparents helping with child raising part 2 and the grandparents who are like "What? I did my job. I want to travel now! These are YOUR kids, not mine!" It's not unlike people who want intense KTP and people who want separate V but don't mind hanging out in a group once in a while. I'm not too sure which type of grandparent I want to be.

In your case, you have to ask your partners what type of co-parents they want to be. AND if you even want your other partner to be a coparent. I have a friend who has stepkids and she's NEVER been allowed to be their parent person too. She has to do the mom taxi to violin lessons and care for them in the house half time with shared custody, but when they do bad things she cannot discipline them. Only the husband because "he is the real dad" and then he's too soft on them because what does he care they did X? She already cleaned it up. It wasn't anything off his nose. Drives her CRAZY. At times she's thought about divorcing over it. Because it's not fair to expect her to do parent-y things, but not get to discipline them when they behave badly. Otherwise, DON'T ask her to do parent-y things at all, and YOU deal with it all. Including the Mom Taxi. Like are they her kids too or NOT?

It can be rough to get attached to a child who is not biologically yours, and then have that taken away and you have no rights to the child. It's at the parents mercy. That thought alone makes it unappealing for some people to get involved. Not because they dislike kids, but because they DO.

You guys may want to talk about those kinds of issues in your family planning talks.

We used to be part of a 30s group ages ago. Mixed singles, dating, marries, etc. We were among the first to have kids. And we dropped out because they were still wanting to do things like wine tasting and visiting vineyards. I told my spouse to watch and see what happens when more cross the line. SUDDENLY the gatherings were about going to picnics in the park with playgrounds. There's a def shift when you change into "family life."

Dageferi said:
Heck everyone still comes and bugs me when I am in the bathroom.

That is SO true I busted up laughing. BTDT... and still doing that!

So if you other partner is willing to make the shift and sign up for a new deal? They will come. If they are not? This relationship has reached an end because the old deal is over. You are changing the relationship model in order to bring in new people -- the children. We don't date these children. But they ARE stakeholders in the model and the resources -- because they DO take up a lot of time and energy.

You have to decide how much you value having children. If you want them? Then yeah. Things will change A LOT and not all poly partners are into that. If you rather stick with the partner, keep in mind that maybe things don't pan out with them. Will you regret not having kids then?

These are hard questions. I suggest you do your soul searching.

Then talk to your existing partners and do some soul searching together. It's a big life change to have children. It's not something you can undo.
Even marriage -- one can divorce and undo it.

But kids? Once here they are HERE.

Galagirl
 
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