BelleRose
New member
I've been with my bf, George, for 2 1/2 months now, officially, though we dated on and off for a year or so before making it a "thing". George has several other partners where the relationships take on more of a friends-with-benefits nature, and one other girlfriend, Gina, with whom he has been with for a year and a half.
Gina is the first metamour I've ever met. I love George and wanted to get along with her for his sake, so I ignored some red flags the day we first met.
1 - We met when my boyfriend and I were only two weeks into our relationship. Looking back I would have preferred it hadn't happened so fast. Not only because I'd never met a metamour before, but because our relationship was SO new that we were still finding our own footing as a couple. Also, he's never been a hinge before.
2 - My birthday is at the end of July. We met at the beginning of May. She asked me if I'd made any big birthday plans, and when I shared she smiled and sort of playfully squealed, "Omg, sounds so cool, can I come?!"
To which I immediately said yes. Because what was I going to say? No? In that moment?
In the moment it didn't feel like pressure, but in retrospect it does. And yes, I should have been a big girl and set a boundary. I shouldn't have jumped the gun and agreed to have a virtual stranger at my 30th birthday party who just happens to be my boyfriend's other girlfriend, which will obviously have a huge impact on the dynamic at the party itself.
3 - The next morning I got a text from George asking me if I thought I'd ever be interested in all three of us together, because Gina had mentioned it. I was immediately alarmed. No, I hadn't thought that and didn't want that. But also I had JUST met Gina! So the birthday party, plus hey have you ever thought about all three of us having sex was just...a lot for me.
I told him I hadn't thought of it and he insisted there was no pressure. But I feel very responsible for having ignored this red flag in the moment.
So fast forward, here we are two months later. Things have shifted.
You see, George doesn't believe in relationship hierarchy, so doesn't consider Gina his primary partner and me his secondary partner despite having been with her longer. But every time we've all hung out they've gone home together, so I've felt like the third wheel or unicorn to a primary couple.
Thinking of a polyamory Ted Talk I'd seen a while ago, I thought maybe if Gina and I got to know each other outside of George it would make things a little better. We could actually be friends, we could work in cooperation as opposed to competition, and I wouldn't feel these weird feelings anymore. Horrible idea on my part. The exact opposite happened.
Instead of going to lunch (our original plan) on a neutral day, we ended up going to a spa on a night where she'd already planned to meet George at the bar after he got off. Now I'd taken a shuttle to the spa, and had planned on taking it back and then doing something on my own, but Gina suggested that she could always give me a ride back to the city so I let the last shuttle go. Then later I found out that it was actually her intention to park her car at George's apartment and take the train to the bar. This meant that not only would we arrive VERY late (half an hour before close) which wouldn't really give me time to do much besides linger for half an hour and go home, but this also mean that I'd essentially be escorting Gina to her date with George. That hadn't been my plan. Most of what we talked about at the spa was her relationship with George, where I felt there was too much over sharing for my comfort. Also, leaving the spa, Gina very suggestively took off her panties declaring that she didn't really need them, and put them in her purse. Her attitude was upbeat and playful as always, but to me it felt like she was flaunting getting ready to have sex with George and that made me really uncomfortable.
After this development I spoke to George about needing more boundaries. I told him that I felt like the circumstances under which we kept getting together was forming a primary couple/unicorn dynamic, and that was really upsetting me. I was dating him, not them. I needed a break from the "all of us" dynamic until we were more established. He said he understood and would respect my wishes.
Shortly after an issue arose between George and Gina. Gina was the one to text me telling me about it (I almost felt blamed) and I really started to build walls instead of boundaries at this point because it felt inappropriate. I told George as much.
A few days later Gina texted me to apologize and told me that she didn't want me to feel like a third wheel or like a unicorn. But then she followed up saying that she wasn't opposed to it if it happened naturally and organically. I don't think I was harsh in my response, but I was firm, and I told her essentially what I'd told George. That being involved in a triad relationship, especially as a unicorn of sorts, was something I have never wanted, especially not for the primary relationship in my life. (My hierarchy is descriptive. Not prescriptive. Just noting.) I also told her, as I'd told George, that I was feeling enmeshed by the whole "all of us" dynamic. That my relationship with George was too young and that the blurring of lines was troubling to me. I wanted space to let our relationship develop in its own right.
Now for the fun part...
So Friday night is the one night that George and I both work at the bar together. We have gone home together every Friday night of our relationship.
Not six days after the conversation about feeling enmeshed in a triad dynamic I didn't want, and/or feeling uncomfortable with always being in a position to watch them go home together, George told me Gina was going to come by the bar Friday night and going home with him.
I won't mince words. I lost my shit. I told him that I felt very disappointed and like my boundaries were being completely ignored. This was different than any other time we'd been together because I would be at work. I would have no choice. I would be in a position where I would be forced to interact with Gina (serve her, really) and then forced to witness them, once again, going home together while I was left alone. And on a night that we'd started to call "ours" no less? I was furious.
He immediately apologized. He said I was right and really he'd meant to ask me first but forgot (he needs to stop forgetting things, but granted, first time as a hinge). He said that he would reschedule with Gina.
At first I felt bad about the reschedule. I didn't want him to break their date, I just didn't see why it had to start at the bar on a night where I worked? Why could they meet somewhere when he got off? Why couldn't they meet at his place? The overlap with me involved didn't seem necessary, that was it.
But then I found that they had a scheduled trip for the following weekend (this weekend) and that she'd been planning to come by the bar to wait for him. I also found out that she'd been the one to have the idea of coming by the bar, and asked him to ask me if it was okay. Right after she and I had spoken specifically about my needing less overlap and more boundaries.
I started to feel like her wanting to get to know me, wanting to do things with "all of us", and even the attraction between us was al just a means to an end. I started to feel like the primary couple/unicorn dynamic wasn't forming coincidentally or accidentally. I hate the way that sounds. But if it had gone to plan, it would have meant that I would not only be losing my secure night with George twice in a row, but that each time I would have had to interact with her first and watch them leave together. The EXACT dynamic I'd complained of. It feels manipulative to me.
The compromise George and I reached is that Gina would pick him up outside of work when he got off, which was more than fine with me. I was careful to tell him to have a good time and show that in no way do I object to him going or want to derail their plans together. I hope that was clear.
My concerns are two, and these I turn to the group if you will:
1 - How do I continue to address this going forward without it coming between George and I? I'm concerned that if I appear to be jealous or negative toward Gina (if I don't already appear that way) it will drive a wedge between us. But I also worry that I'm being provoked to have a dramatic reaction for exactly that purpose. I don't want to believe that Gina would be malicious, but George did tell me that she struggled with jealousy when we started dating because his availability was significantly impacted. I can't help but wonder if the whole idea behind pushing for a triad was a way of trying to avoid losing time with George in the first place.
2 - What are your thoughts? Am I being paranoid/territorial here, or could there be some other agenda here? And either way, how do I work this out with my metamour. I don't want things to remain in their current state. I can see the toll it's taking on George. I can see the shift. How happy he was when we were all getting along vs. now that he's almost torn between us. I do want to get along with Gina. But I also want to do so in a way that is true to my personal boundaries, and in a way where I'm not being (or feeling) manipulated into turning my relationship into "our" relationship.
Gina is the first metamour I've ever met. I love George and wanted to get along with her for his sake, so I ignored some red flags the day we first met.
1 - We met when my boyfriend and I were only two weeks into our relationship. Looking back I would have preferred it hadn't happened so fast. Not only because I'd never met a metamour before, but because our relationship was SO new that we were still finding our own footing as a couple. Also, he's never been a hinge before.
2 - My birthday is at the end of July. We met at the beginning of May. She asked me if I'd made any big birthday plans, and when I shared she smiled and sort of playfully squealed, "Omg, sounds so cool, can I come?!"
To which I immediately said yes. Because what was I going to say? No? In that moment?
In the moment it didn't feel like pressure, but in retrospect it does. And yes, I should have been a big girl and set a boundary. I shouldn't have jumped the gun and agreed to have a virtual stranger at my 30th birthday party who just happens to be my boyfriend's other girlfriend, which will obviously have a huge impact on the dynamic at the party itself.
3 - The next morning I got a text from George asking me if I thought I'd ever be interested in all three of us together, because Gina had mentioned it. I was immediately alarmed. No, I hadn't thought that and didn't want that. But also I had JUST met Gina! So the birthday party, plus hey have you ever thought about all three of us having sex was just...a lot for me.
I told him I hadn't thought of it and he insisted there was no pressure. But I feel very responsible for having ignored this red flag in the moment.
So fast forward, here we are two months later. Things have shifted.
You see, George doesn't believe in relationship hierarchy, so doesn't consider Gina his primary partner and me his secondary partner despite having been with her longer. But every time we've all hung out they've gone home together, so I've felt like the third wheel or unicorn to a primary couple.
Thinking of a polyamory Ted Talk I'd seen a while ago, I thought maybe if Gina and I got to know each other outside of George it would make things a little better. We could actually be friends, we could work in cooperation as opposed to competition, and I wouldn't feel these weird feelings anymore. Horrible idea on my part. The exact opposite happened.
Instead of going to lunch (our original plan) on a neutral day, we ended up going to a spa on a night where she'd already planned to meet George at the bar after he got off. Now I'd taken a shuttle to the spa, and had planned on taking it back and then doing something on my own, but Gina suggested that she could always give me a ride back to the city so I let the last shuttle go. Then later I found out that it was actually her intention to park her car at George's apartment and take the train to the bar. This meant that not only would we arrive VERY late (half an hour before close) which wouldn't really give me time to do much besides linger for half an hour and go home, but this also mean that I'd essentially be escorting Gina to her date with George. That hadn't been my plan. Most of what we talked about at the spa was her relationship with George, where I felt there was too much over sharing for my comfort. Also, leaving the spa, Gina very suggestively took off her panties declaring that she didn't really need them, and put them in her purse. Her attitude was upbeat and playful as always, but to me it felt like she was flaunting getting ready to have sex with George and that made me really uncomfortable.
After this development I spoke to George about needing more boundaries. I told him that I felt like the circumstances under which we kept getting together was forming a primary couple/unicorn dynamic, and that was really upsetting me. I was dating him, not them. I needed a break from the "all of us" dynamic until we were more established. He said he understood and would respect my wishes.
Shortly after an issue arose between George and Gina. Gina was the one to text me telling me about it (I almost felt blamed) and I really started to build walls instead of boundaries at this point because it felt inappropriate. I told George as much.
A few days later Gina texted me to apologize and told me that she didn't want me to feel like a third wheel or like a unicorn. But then she followed up saying that she wasn't opposed to it if it happened naturally and organically. I don't think I was harsh in my response, but I was firm, and I told her essentially what I'd told George. That being involved in a triad relationship, especially as a unicorn of sorts, was something I have never wanted, especially not for the primary relationship in my life. (My hierarchy is descriptive. Not prescriptive. Just noting.) I also told her, as I'd told George, that I was feeling enmeshed by the whole "all of us" dynamic. That my relationship with George was too young and that the blurring of lines was troubling to me. I wanted space to let our relationship develop in its own right.
Now for the fun part...
So Friday night is the one night that George and I both work at the bar together. We have gone home together every Friday night of our relationship.
Not six days after the conversation about feeling enmeshed in a triad dynamic I didn't want, and/or feeling uncomfortable with always being in a position to watch them go home together, George told me Gina was going to come by the bar Friday night and going home with him.
I won't mince words. I lost my shit. I told him that I felt very disappointed and like my boundaries were being completely ignored. This was different than any other time we'd been together because I would be at work. I would have no choice. I would be in a position where I would be forced to interact with Gina (serve her, really) and then forced to witness them, once again, going home together while I was left alone. And on a night that we'd started to call "ours" no less? I was furious.
He immediately apologized. He said I was right and really he'd meant to ask me first but forgot (he needs to stop forgetting things, but granted, first time as a hinge). He said that he would reschedule with Gina.
At first I felt bad about the reschedule. I didn't want him to break their date, I just didn't see why it had to start at the bar on a night where I worked? Why could they meet somewhere when he got off? Why couldn't they meet at his place? The overlap with me involved didn't seem necessary, that was it.
But then I found that they had a scheduled trip for the following weekend (this weekend) and that she'd been planning to come by the bar to wait for him. I also found out that she'd been the one to have the idea of coming by the bar, and asked him to ask me if it was okay. Right after she and I had spoken specifically about my needing less overlap and more boundaries.
I started to feel like her wanting to get to know me, wanting to do things with "all of us", and even the attraction between us was al just a means to an end. I started to feel like the primary couple/unicorn dynamic wasn't forming coincidentally or accidentally. I hate the way that sounds. But if it had gone to plan, it would have meant that I would not only be losing my secure night with George twice in a row, but that each time I would have had to interact with her first and watch them leave together. The EXACT dynamic I'd complained of. It feels manipulative to me.
The compromise George and I reached is that Gina would pick him up outside of work when he got off, which was more than fine with me. I was careful to tell him to have a good time and show that in no way do I object to him going or want to derail their plans together. I hope that was clear.
My concerns are two, and these I turn to the group if you will:
1 - How do I continue to address this going forward without it coming between George and I? I'm concerned that if I appear to be jealous or negative toward Gina (if I don't already appear that way) it will drive a wedge between us. But I also worry that I'm being provoked to have a dramatic reaction for exactly that purpose. I don't want to believe that Gina would be malicious, but George did tell me that she struggled with jealousy when we started dating because his availability was significantly impacted. I can't help but wonder if the whole idea behind pushing for a triad was a way of trying to avoid losing time with George in the first place.
2 - What are your thoughts? Am I being paranoid/territorial here, or could there be some other agenda here? And either way, how do I work this out with my metamour. I don't want things to remain in their current state. I can see the toll it's taking on George. I can see the shift. How happy he was when we were all getting along vs. now that he's almost torn between us. I do want to get along with Gina. But I also want to do so in a way that is true to my personal boundaries, and in a way where I'm not being (or feeling) manipulated into turning my relationship into "our" relationship.