Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

I do not respond to most messages that I receive. I know that may seem rude to many of you. But there are a lot of messages, with very few hopeful leads. I am actually picky. If it is obvious that they did not read my profile, looks like they are not my type at all physically, send a message that is base with nothing to hold my interest (u r pretty)(want to meet?)(what's up).

I have pretty high standards (everyone has a right to them).

I don't want to waste my time or theirs.

I asked my husband (who has not gotten one response on the site and is actually sad about that) if he would prefer a friendly hello or even a dismissal to nothing at all (assuming the girl has no interest in him).

He said not, they would send him the message that she was interested (if they just responded with a polite hello), and a rejection is useless except to hurt his ego even more.
 
I do not respond to most messages that I receive. I know that may seem rude to many of you. But there are a lot of messages, with very few hopeful leads. I am actually picky. If it is obvious that they did not read my profile, looks like they are not my type at all physically, send a message that is base with nothing to hold my interest (u r pretty)(want to meet?)(what's up).

I have pretty high standards (everyone has a right to them).

I don't want to waste my time or theirs.
I'm pretty much the same. I ignore a large portion of the messages I got too. Many guys just wrote one line, like "how are you""you're beautiful". With so little effort, why do they deserve my response? And I'm especially turned off by those who only compliment my looks.

I also message guys first occasionally, and not everyone replied. I think it's totally normal. It's also normal that after a few messages, either me or them stopped communication because of various reasons.
 
For me, the thing about messages is that both groups (men and women) are ruining it for themselves:

- Guys sending out bad messages make women want to do it less.
- If a girl doesn't respond to any message that a guy has put effort into, the guy will either put in less effort, or just stop.

It's very easy for everyone to get jaded with online dating, as a woman you get a lot of shitty messages that annoy and frustrate, and as a guy who tries hard you seem to be banging your head against a brick wall. The problem is that the jadedness is caused by an entirely different group of people - the guys who obviously cut/paste to as many pairs of boobs as possible (and let's be honest, that's all they're doing).

I guess what I'm saying is that if you're serious about meeting people online (and not everyone is) then if someone puts a decent amount of effort into actually connecting with you (i.e. has read your profile and tried to write a good message), acknowledging their existence might actually convince them to stick with it. Otherwise all the people actually trying will just drop off and all that will be left is the "hi hw r u bbz?" and "lets mak teh sex" guys.

Try and put yourself in the shoes of someone who's actually read your profile and tried to write a good message (i.e. shows you that they've read your profile and are actually interested in you) and then not having a reply... I don't like it, and if I was actually sensitive to that sort of thing I would've quit ages ago (I realise it's the nature of the beast though :-/ )
 
Here are the deal killers for me:
  • If a woman replies with minimal information to my questions. If I ask "How was your weekend?" she replies "Ok, fine."
  • If she is not assertive in maintaining communication, that's a red flag. If she wants me to do all the work, I'm not interested.
  • If spelling, grammar, or punctuation are bad, we will not "click" on an intellectual level. Or she is just too lazy to spell check.
  • She has a blurry picture. That means she didn't bother to read the "howto" posts that say clear pictures are important.
  • If she doesn't have a job, we probably will not have much in common.
  • If she doesn't have a car, we probably do not have the same values. No I don't want to hear your sob story. You either have an emergency fund, or you don't.
  • If her profile is minimal or vague and leaves out details.
  • If her main interests are shopping, "fun", bars, or parties. We probably do not have much in common.
  • If she's dating but her divorce is not final. You would not believe how common this is! It screams "desperate" and poor judgement!

As a guy I get very few messages. It's extremely slow from Sep to December, the holiday season. But seems to really pick up from Feb to April or May. It's like in Feb-May people get cabin fever and just want to get out.
 
Last edited:
If she's dating but her divorce is not final. You would not believe how common this is! It screams "desperate" and poor judgement!

Hey, that would be me. I separated from my ex in late 08, met my gf in early 09 and my divorce was final this August (2011). Didn't seem to be a problem. I also dated around a dozen guys in those 2 years, and had relationships lasting up to 2 years. No one minded I was "only" separated. Of course, I was living in my own apartment and my kids are grown...
 
Yeah, really! Desperate and of poor judgment? What the fuck?! I am separated about 18 months, and have been dating for about a year. Getting divorced isn't always a cut and dried procedure, and could take a long time. In New York State, most divorces take years to negotiate and get through the courts to finalize. So, are we all supposed to sit around with our thumbs up our asses until the divorces come through? Each time a marriage ends, the situation is unique to those people, and no one outside of that couple can know whether or not a person is ready to date or not. Being separated does not mean desperate, nor making poor judgments; I don't even know how you would reach those conclusions. What exactly is desperate about dating while separated? That seems like a very mono way to look at it, too. See a person for her own merits, not how far along the divorce paperwork is.

Pfft.
 
Last edited:
What a trip indeed. My husband just got off the phone with match.com to find out he has not been approved for membership because he is married. Discrimination or what? This really makes me mad.

Oh and I also have no idea what separation and divorce have to do with being ready to date. You are ready when you are ready. I wouldnt expect that comment on a forum like this.
 
Sourgirl,

I am commenting on what you wrote on 05-16-2011, 05:50 PM. It is old, but I am not sure if anyone has raised that particular issue yet.

Yes, the last guy wrote you an awkward (to say the least) message. I haven't done like him, but would guess his reasoning. After sending NUMEROUS messages to women and getting no response whatsoever, he might have said "screw it!" and decided to write whatever provocative he could just to provoke a f###ing response!

Sometimes, children crave attention and may go to great lengths to get it. If it takes to harm themselves or do something for which they know that will get punished, they can still to it. Just to finally get that attention.

When adults get put off-balance they tend to behave like children.
 
Last edited:
I've been on OKC for a few months. I had an account back in the spring, under the name hyperskeptic, but I took it down in a fit of pique.

I've received no messages from anyone, but I have received some replies to messages I've sent, most of them at least civil. I currently have one ongoing conversation with someone, a conversation about language, and walking, and birds, and other things. We're both enjoying the exchange, and I'll probably end up asking if she'd like to meet for coffee sometime, with no real expectation of anything other than more conversation.

I'm not all that worried about not getting any messages, and I'm grateful I don't have to put up with the kind of crap women (including my wife) have to put up with on OKC. In fact, I suppose my profile would be off-putting to most people.

That's okay. I don't want to get involved with most people.

Sometimes, I write to someone whose profile catches my eye, even if there is no chance they'd be interested in me, just to acknowledge something they wrote, to thank them for a particular bit of honesty or humor.

I figure that, in the jungle that is OKC, people could use a small dose of civility and human decency.

Just today, I came across the most intriguing and entertaining profile yet: two bi women in a committed relationship want to have a baby, and are looking for what amounts to an "in-person" sperm donor.

Their profile is direct and refreshingly blunt, stating in no uncertain terms what they are NOT looking for.

They make it very clear, for example, that anyone over 40 should not even bother to reply. That rules me out.

(Dang.)

I wrote to them, anyway:

Okay, I'm too old for you (43).

I'm not a candidate.

I don't even expect you to write back.

I just wanted to thank you for the most intriguing and entertaining profile I've ever come across on this accursed site.

It's not often I find myself wishing I was five years younger . . .

All the best to you in your search.

A small gesture, probably pointless, but doing that sort of thing makes me happy.

P.S. My OKC profile is under the name Contrarian42.
 
Last edited:
hyperskeptic,

Somebody should write to this lovely couple of ladies and tell them to talk to a lawyer about child support before posting ads like theirs.
 
hyperskeptic,

Somebody should write to this lovely couple of ladies and tell them to talk to a lawyer about child support before posting ads like theirs.

It did occur to me that the arrangement they propose would have potentially bizarre legal implications, but I didn't bring it up. It's not clear from their profile that they have thought of it themselves but, then, the come across as intelligent and thoughtful enough to have at least considered it.

Perhaps I should write to them again, just to raise the question. Otherwise, it's caveat pater . . .

EDIT: I just wrote a postscript, encouraging them to consult a lawyer, if they haven't already done so, in order to address any possible legal complications up front.
 
Last edited:
That's a good job. Let's hope that they are sincere and are not looking for sucker, hungry for sex.


It did occur to me that the arrangement they propose would have potentially bizarre legal implications, but I didn't bring it up. It's not clear from their profile that they have thought of it themselves but, then, the come across as intelligent and thoughtful enough to have at least considered it.

Perhaps I should write to them again, just to raise the question. Otherwise, it's caveat pater . . .

EDIT: I just wrote a postscript, encouraging them to consult a lawyer, if they haven't already done so, in order to address any possible legal complications up front.
 
Sourgirl,

I am commenting on what you wrote on 05-16-2011, 05:50 PM. It is old, but I am not sure if anyone has raised that particular issue yet.

Yes, the last guy wrote you an awkward (to say the least) message. I haven't done like him, but would guess his reasoning. After sending NUMEROUS messages to women and getting no response whatsoever, he might have said "screw it!" and decided to write whatever provocative he could just to provoke a f###ing response!

Sometimes, children crave attention and may go to great lengths to get it. If it takes to harm themselves or do something for which they know that will get punished, they can still to it. Just to finally get that attention.

When adults get put off-balance they tend to behave like children.

If that were the case, he failed miserably. I just found it cute, but not really worthy of any on-going conversation. I have enough children. :)
 
That's okay. I don't want to get involved with most people.

Sometimes, I write to someone whose profile catches my eye, even if there is no chance they'd be interested in me, just to acknowledge something they wrote, to thank them for a particular bit of honesty or humor.

I figure that, in the jungle that is OKC, people could use a small dose of civility and human decency.

I agree. I am totally the same way. I even have the civility part in my profile. I wish they would read it though.

I figure, whatever works out with whomever I manage to find, cool! If nothing ever happens, well my wife and I have had some deep conversations about our ideas of how relationships can be and we are all the closer for it. I would be happy with just that.
 
I just had to share the summary of a profile I just came across on OkCupid:

"ABOVE AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE , GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, NO OUTSTANDING BILLS,. KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE, FRIENDLY WITH NEIGHBORS, WENT TO GOOD SCHOOLS, KEEP HEALTHY, CREATIVE, LIVED ABROAD FOUR YEARS, FORMER LOVER OF SUPERMODEL"​

No outstanding bills, good with his neighbors, a supermodel's ex - what a catch! I would laugh if he weren't a 71-year old man who also says: "I am A GOOD GUY, HANDSOME, and GIFTED-" and that he is really good at "LOVING."

Awww, now I'm just smiling. He's probably really charming in person.
 
This has been an extremely interesting thread to read. I have been to a couple of dating sites, but have decided to just stick with people who I meet through mutual interests. If they can't handle the poly aspect, maybe we can just be good friends.
 
how not to chat up a woman

Recent IM chat on okc

X:hi

X:hi

me:hi X

X:hi there

X:you wanna get together

me:huh?

X:why huh

me:i dont know you. shouldnt you give me more than that?

X:we are neigbours

me:yes

X:its a starting point

X:do you like younger men

me:some of them

X:great

X:maybe we can get together and see if we have chemistry

me: or maybe we should keep talking

me:and see if we have chemistry

X:are you looking for something serious

me:well, im not looking for something casual. are you?

X:not really

me:did you read my profile or just look at the pictures?

X: pictures

X:i love older women

me: oh well at least youre honest

X:you thought i was not

me:i suggest if you want to get a girl, you read about her interests

me:dont just get horny over her pix

me:sheesh

X:really

me:yes, really

X:how often do you get some action

me:about every day

X:from girls.boys

me:yes

me:both

X:then we need to get together soon

me:why?

X:for some action

me:youre really a phd?

X:yeah

X:why

me:well i am not getting a real brilliant vibe from you

me:"lets get together... some action"

me:really?

X:but we are in a nsa website

me:you like older women, fine

me:why should i like you?

X:because i dont get tired in bed

me:so youre assuming all i want is sex

me:doesnt matter who with

X:but you are in okcupid

me:just some random guy??

me:so?

X:that is the assumption

me:read my profile, if you can read, and get back to me

me:good night

X:i was told its a hooking website

X:but why read it will make a difference
 
X:but we are in a nsa website

...

X:but you are in okcupid

me:just some random guy??

me:so?

X:that is the assumption

...

X:i was told its a hooking website

X:but why read it will make a difference

Oh shit! Most people I talk to have never heard of OKC, but I hate to think that it's perceived to be just for NSA hook-ups!
 
internet dating

Hey guys :)

Yeah im currently finding the online dating sites depressing. If im not some hot guy with his shirt off on okcupid, no one will give me the time of day. I really do want to go out and meet people, but its a matter of finding the hobbies to do it. I currently am in derby and am a musician but derby doesn't allow me to meet people that I want to know that im poly, and my bands haven't been playing alot of shows latly. I did meet my casual off our yahoo poly group, but I want to find my serious relationship in person, and not at a bar lol
 
Hey guys :)

Yeah im currently finding the online dating sites depressing. If im not some hot guy with his shirt off on okcupid, no one will give me the time of day. I really do want to go out and meet people, but its a matter of finding the hobbies to do it. I currently am in derby and am a musician but derby doesn't allow me to meet people that I want to know that im poly, and my bands haven't been playing alot of shows latly. I did meet my casual off our yahoo poly group, but I want to find my serious relationship in person, and not at a bar lol

Major cities are beginning to have meetup.com groups that are focused on poly (meetup.com is a site that focuses on getting people to connect online to arrange meeting up in person, usually in a group). I certainly met a fair amount of poly people that way.
 
Back
Top