My double standards: an honest investigation

Cleo

New member
I've been thinking a lot about my double standards lately.

I don't like that I have them. I don't like myself when all of a sudden I feel that I have them. But when I'm honest (and really, one of the biggest things that poly has brought to my life, is being honest) I know that yes, here they are. Looking me in the face and telling me I don't judge others like I want to be judged, that things others do to me make me anxious when in fact I JUST did those things to them without thinking about it.

a couple of examples:

I would love it if my boyfriend could spend the night at our house. Not necessarily in the same bed as me, but, in the house.
The thought that my husbands girlfriend would spend the night here with me in the same house (me in bed with my husband, she in another bed) makes me so anxious I can't breathe.

My boyfriend and I said 'I love you' after 3 months. My husband has been with his girlfriend for almost 10 months. He told me yesterday that they have just, recently, like a couple of weeks ago, started to exchange 'I love you' 's. This freaked me out.

I have a husband, and 2 boyfriends. The guy I see the most, and who I am the most emotionally attached to, is single. When I met him he was dating another woman (married, with 2 lovers, he was one of them). She broke up with him a couple of weeks after he and I met. They kept in touch though, and today (after a couple of months) they meet again for the first time. When he told me this I was so happy for him and actually hoped they would get back together. Today? I'm a mess.
Why? I had some awesome sex with my husband. Some loving texts from my other boyfriend. But all I can obsess about is that HE is on a date with HER and that she will probably want him back, on the condition he gives me up, an he will consent, and I will lose him.

Yes, there's a lot of irrational over-dramatizing going on, but what I want to focus on is my double standards when looking at this.

Like I said, I don't like myself when these things come up. I guess it all comes down to jealousy, insecurity, etc. Just when I think I'm in a really good place and things are going well: it's the double standards that are slapping me in the face and telling me I'm not there, oh no not by a long shot.

I guess I'm looking for other peoples experiences with being confronted with their own double standards. Do you accept them? Fight them? talk about them with your partners?
 
I talk. It's hard sometimes, and might take some time for me to work up the courage to do it, but I've learned after enough times that it feels better after I've talked to my partners about it.

I love love love seeing the people I love happy, including when they are being made happy by others. I still definitely get jealous, though. I tell them so, but I also tell them that it doesn't mean I want them to stop being with the other people in their life. Some of my partners get confused by this, but by talking it out, we're usually able to work out some happy middle ground, where I get lots of "us time" that is very reassuring. And I get help in figuring out how to deal with my jealousy. I like help.

"Double standards" has a lot of negative connotations. I tend to just think of this more as "being human."
 
Congrats! You are confirmed for being a sentient being. It happens.

I've had a partner now romantically for a few months - He's had a girlfriend for a year. From her behavior, I assume she's very jealous. (Can't really have a conversation with her to confirm or deny. She's turned down a number of free lunches, though we hung out in the past.)

For me, I know jealousy occurs when I see my relationship with that person is stagnating while her/his relationship with another is growing. Am I not worth the effort of being romantic? What's s/he got that I haven't got?

In many ways it's easy for me to date a poly person who's in another committed relationship, because I feel more control over defining the relationship without hurting the feelings of someone I love. My partner was disappointed, but didn't take it the wrong way, when I said I wasn't interested in living with him. He's not putting all of his emotional energy in me, and he has a great girlfriend. Being able to see the positives with your husband having a girlfriend may help, and getting to know the girlfriend may hugely alleviate some of your stress.

I feel very good when I see partners being nice and affectionate to other partners, especially if they've been together years. It shows me the person's capable of respect and love, and isn't just "putting on a show" with me. With mono people, you sort of have to take them at their word they're good partners.

It sounds like in some ways you think of your husband in a very different light, based on your signature - You say you're married, but you have two lovers. Do you maybe expect more security from your husband? Do you expect him to view love and sex differently than "other guys?"

I can honestly say I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner got another partner, even though I just went on a date yesterday, and I'm glad for his relationship with his girlfriend. We're both young professionals, both of us work more than one job, and we only see each other about two or three times a month, on a good month. Having another person take away from me would hurt my feelings. I completely understand from that perspective. :)
 
It sounds like in some ways you think of your husband in a very different light, based on your signature - You say you're married, but you have two lovers. Do you maybe expect more security from your husband? Do you expect him to view love and sex differently than "other guys?"

I do expect more security from my husband, I guess... we've been together for almost 20 years and even though in theory I would like to get to the point, some day, where I don't think in hierarchy anymore when it comes to my relationships.. right now I do. I've been dating one of my guys for four months, the other for almost seven months. Right now I do think of him (my husband) as my primary relationship.

I can honestly say I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner got another partner, even though I just went on a date yesterday, and I'm glad for his relationship with his girlfriend. We're both young professionals, both of us work more than one job, and we only see each other about two or three times a month, on a good month. Having another person take away from me would hurt my feelings. I completely understand from that perspective. :)

Yes, that's what I mean... confusing, that!
 
Maybe you need to work on building the romance in your marriage. If you feel good about that relationship, I guarantee empathy and compersion becomes easier.

You share more fiduciary type stuff with your husband. In a sense, he's probably always going to be more important. But surrendering "ownership" of a partner's body is a liberating experience. Does he give you attention and make you feel wanted, desired, and appreciated? What would help you feel that?

With D, I hate our time constraints. Things like watching him play video games while I read is relaxing for me - For me, unstructured time like that in a relationship is fundamental. I love sharing, but I really enjoy just screwing around. That's something that really makes me feel loved in a relationship. If he had more than one girlfriend or another partner, we'd have to rush through our activities. Are you feeling rushed with your husband, or like your time is too crunched?
 
Maybe you need to work on building the romance in your marriage. If you feel good about that relationship, I guarantee empathy and compersion becomes easier.

You share more fiduciary type stuff with your husband. In a sense, he's probably always going to be more important. But surrendering "ownership" of a partner's body is a liberating experience. Does he give you attention and make you feel wanted, desired, and appreciated? What would help you feel that?

No, my husband and I have a very loving and beautiful relationship, with lots of physical (not just sexual) affection, romantic date nights, long talks and a great concern for each others well being.

That makes my double standards even more confusing.

I often feel like I feel the need for things I already have.. but I guess what I'm looking for is confirmation, from others, that yes, I still have those things.. and I don't always give that confirmation myself (or understand that others may need it too)
 
The way I see it, if you demand X for yourself but refuse to work on your insecurities to the point that you can give X to your partner... if, for instance, you told your husband that you didn't want him and his gf saying ILU... THAT would be a huge problem. That would be a double standard. But just having "hypocritical" *feelings* is perfectly normal and fine. You should do just what you're now, recognize and examine them and keep working them, but just having scared/jealous feelings in no way makes you bad or abnormal. It's gonna be ok!
 
I can relate to what you are saying. I love my boyfriend very much, but I also love another man. My bf is mono, and I have in the past encouraged him to see others.

If I'm honest with myself though, I know that I would be so upset if my bf was to love someone else like he loves me. I would like to think that I could come to terms with it if I needed to, but I'm far from sure that I could. This makes me feel selfish, as it means that I'm asking him to be accepting of something that I myself could not live with, if the roles were reversed.

In truth, I'm relieved that he does not want anyone else, I'm very happy that I have him to myself. I know that this is a double standard and yet I cannot help the way I feel. It does not help with the guilt that I already feel anyway.
 
But just having "hypocritical" *feelings* is perfectly normal and fine. You should do just what you're now, recognize and examine them and keep working them, but just having scared/jealous feelings in no way makes you bad or abnormal. It's gonna be ok!

thanks AnnabelMore .. I've had some issues lately talking to my mono friends about these things and its hard to explain these hypocritical feelings to them.. they will tell me 'how can you be upset about something your husband does, when you're doing the exact same thing?'

I guess that's why I came here to talk about it :)

@Aurelie, yes that's exactly what I mean.. it's very interesting to me.. and it's definitely something I want to work on because I feel it challenges me.

I think with me it has mostly to do with changes in the dynamic that I find upsetting. I have 2 lovers, and one of them already had another girlfriend when I met him. I've never ever been jealous of her. Part of that is because of who and what he is (extremely clear about his needs, intentions, and affections - no room for interpretation there) but it's also because I accepted the situation like that from the beginning.

My other guy was involved with someone when I met him and she broke up with him. I was upset when they broke up (change of dynamic) and I would be upset now when he meets someone new (again, change of dynamic). But I am changing the dynamics constantly and expect everybody else to be on board. Hm.
 
I soooo needed this thread...

I just got off the phone with my partner after a date with her new girlfriend and was FREAKING OUT in my head, even though just yesterday I was on a date myself. This is my first poly relationship and although things started the COMPLETELY wrong way, we worked ridiculously hard and have been having a pretty awesome open relationship for almost a six months now. Then all of a sudden *boom* Jealousy Train. it's nice to see that this is a normal thing.
Thank You. :)
 
.......
I think with me it has mostly to do with changes in the dynamic that I find upsetting. I have 2 lovers, and one of them already had another girlfriend when I met him. I've never ever been jealous of her. Part of that is because of who and what he is (extremely clear about his needs, intentions, and affections - no room for interpretation there) but it's also because I accepted the situation like that from the beginning.

My other guy was involved with someone when I met him and she broke up with him. I was upset when they broke up (change of dynamic) and I would be upset now when he meets someone new (again, change of dynamic). But I am changing the dynamics constantly and expect everybody else to be on board. Hm.

Cleo, It sounds to me that maybe "change" is a key issue here for you. When YOU make changes, you are more in control of what may happen. When someone else makes changes, you have less control over what could happen. You talk about how you want reassurance that you still have what you want/need from your other partner(s), even though you probably already have it. How do you deal with change and control in general, outside the poly aspect of your life?? Or perhaps it may only occur within relationship dynamics??
 
Cleo, It sounds to me that maybe "change" is a key issue here for you. When YOU make changes, you are more in control of what may happen. When someone else makes changes, you have less control over what could happen. You talk about how you want reassurance that you still have what you want/need from your other partner(s), even though you probably already have it. How do you deal with change and control in general, outside the poly aspect of your life?? Or perhaps it may only occur within relationship dynamics??

Yes, change and control, they are definitely the key issues here...

I was with my boyfriend this weekend and we were talking about jealousy, about how he feels about my other relationships (my husband and the lover I see once every couple of weeks). So here am I, married to a wonderful man, with a wonderful lover, talking to my wonderful (single) boyfriend, and then my boyfriend tells me he's been exchanging emails with a woman on a dating site and the moment he says this my heart just turns around in my chest and I can't breathe for a second, knowing FOR SURE (yes I know this is stupid) that the moment he'll meet her, he'll fall out of love with me and prefer her to me. Fortunately it passed quickly, and we were able to talk about it (did I mention he is awesome? :))

There are some very deep rooted insecurity issues there. Fear of change, fear of losing control: things that are problematic in other areas of life as well, but the most apparent in love and friendships
I am actually thankful for the poly life in that it is helping me to confront these issues! I would say that insecurity used to be my default setting and feeling strong, secure and independent happened only on occasion.
Now it's the other way around, but nothing like some complicated poly dynamics to call me out on my hidden fears and bring them to the surface!
 
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