I feel so so empty. I spent the summer working full-time an hour away in one direction from home. I got away from my daughter and my husband and my life. I focused on working and only working. I would go home and I absolutely refused to have sex with my husband pretty much this entire time. Mostly because I was healing and the thought of being intimate with him made me sick to my stomach. But also because I was honestly exhausted with the fact that I still had to balance doing most of everything in the house (husband works crazy long hours) AND being a mom AND working/driving 10 hours. Yeah, there was a bit of resentment there. I'm sure he resented me a bit too. Our first poly situation, my awakening that I was poly, really rubbed the wrong way. But it brought a pimple to the surface that needed to be popped.
I quit my job because I knew my daughter could no longer handle being away from her mother for that long (she is only 4). But I also could no longer handle the drama of working in a small office where the two owners are having a "sexless relationship" and the woman in that outfit was incredibly threatened by me. I even got in trouble for having an innocent conversation about GMO's with my other boss.
I liked my job. I liked the money a lot. I liked feeling like I was an important part of this relationship (which means I was making money not that my husband has ever made me feel like I wasn't important). I want to work again but I can't until my daughter is in school. I know that now.
I have started feeling more in love with my husband again. I couldn't put into words for a long time what I was feeling. I finally did and there were tears but I rarely, rarely cry. Then it was like I could love him again and it's been good.
Now, while I was working I thought constantly about being in another relationship. Not that I wanted to leave my husband, but I wanted someone else and thought about it all the time.
I have a swinger friend who has been texting me, asking me how I am and whatever. I mostly just tell him the basics and the drama at work, ect. I am not sexually attracted to him although we have had sex a few times in the past while I was a swinger. I told him I'm poly and have no interest in casual sex anymore.
Still he asked me if my husband and I were going to the swinger camp. I told him that I would like to see him but I had no real interest in hanging out with a bunch of swingers and having to explain to them that I'm not going to have casual sex. Explaining that to my past partners there would be a difficult feat, plus we aren't drinkers and there is a lot of booze consumed there. We haven't found the 420 group yet, so we mostly just stick to ourselves, not wanting to mingle with the drunks. . .
I would have wanted my husband to go. He is still interested in casual sex, but I'm simply not. I want a relationship with another man.
My husband didn't like my first bf and I haven't talked to the ex at all really. His gf moved up here from Missouri and she wanted to hang out. So we invited them over and had a dinner and watched some TV. She is nice. Nothing happened. My ex kept trying to hug me but I wanted nothing to do with him really other than maybe fuck him but that's the extent of that emotion.
I haven't really been talking to any other guys. It's different when you're not approaching this as a swinger but as a relationship seeker and I'm not sure if my husband is ready or really willing to allow me to have a relationship, but I KNOW I don't want to be a swinger anymore. I KNOW that I want another relationship and I KNOW we both aren't going to be able to stay monogamous forever. . .
Not just because I know I'm going to fail at it but also my husband won't be able to do it for much longer. Right now, he's kept himself busy with working. It's like working endlessly makes sure you have no time to be interested in that part of us. I know how he's feeling because I did this over the summer to help me get over my ex and wanting to stay "monogamous" (that feels like a dirty word, by the way).
Plus, my husband is going to spend the slower months this winter working for the family of the woman he cheated on me with 5 years ago. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he starts doinking her again anyway. . .
I quit my job because I knew my daughter could no longer handle being away from her mother for that long (she is only 4). But I also could no longer handle the drama of working in a small office where the two owners are having a "sexless relationship" and the woman in that outfit was incredibly threatened by me. I even got in trouble for having an innocent conversation about GMO's with my other boss.
I liked my job. I liked the money a lot. I liked feeling like I was an important part of this relationship (which means I was making money not that my husband has ever made me feel like I wasn't important). I want to work again but I can't until my daughter is in school. I know that now.
I have started feeling more in love with my husband again. I couldn't put into words for a long time what I was feeling. I finally did and there were tears but I rarely, rarely cry. Then it was like I could love him again and it's been good.
Now, while I was working I thought constantly about being in another relationship. Not that I wanted to leave my husband, but I wanted someone else and thought about it all the time.
I have a swinger friend who has been texting me, asking me how I am and whatever. I mostly just tell him the basics and the drama at work, ect. I am not sexually attracted to him although we have had sex a few times in the past while I was a swinger. I told him I'm poly and have no interest in casual sex anymore.
Still he asked me if my husband and I were going to the swinger camp. I told him that I would like to see him but I had no real interest in hanging out with a bunch of swingers and having to explain to them that I'm not going to have casual sex. Explaining that to my past partners there would be a difficult feat, plus we aren't drinkers and there is a lot of booze consumed there. We haven't found the 420 group yet, so we mostly just stick to ourselves, not wanting to mingle with the drunks. . .
I would have wanted my husband to go. He is still interested in casual sex, but I'm simply not. I want a relationship with another man.
My husband didn't like my first bf and I haven't talked to the ex at all really. His gf moved up here from Missouri and she wanted to hang out. So we invited them over and had a dinner and watched some TV. She is nice. Nothing happened. My ex kept trying to hug me but I wanted nothing to do with him really other than maybe fuck him but that's the extent of that emotion.
I haven't really been talking to any other guys. It's different when you're not approaching this as a swinger but as a relationship seeker and I'm not sure if my husband is ready or really willing to allow me to have a relationship, but I KNOW I don't want to be a swinger anymore. I KNOW that I want another relationship and I KNOW we both aren't going to be able to stay monogamous forever. . .
Not just because I know I'm going to fail at it but also my husband won't be able to do it for much longer. Right now, he's kept himself busy with working. It's like working endlessly makes sure you have no time to be interested in that part of us. I know how he's feeling because I did this over the summer to help me get over my ex and wanting to stay "monogamous" (that feels like a dirty word, by the way).
Plus, my husband is going to spend the slower months this winter working for the family of the woman he cheated on me with 5 years ago. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he starts doinking her again anyway. . .