I could use some help understanding my partner.

Eko

New member
Hello everyone, this thread may seem long winded but I feel that I should share everything so that I may paint a better picture for you to understand.

My partner is my bestfriend, he is my soulmate, my world. I would do anything to make him happy. I put his happiness before I put my own and I strive to make sure he receives all of the attention, love and support that he deserves.

First off, we both have OCD. Mine being much worse then his, and I put him through a lot. I really do. Between my compulsions and insecurities - how he deals with it is beyond me. He loves me just as much as I love him, this is evident in his patience and support.

Before I met him, I thought I would be alone forever. I think that if I am without him, I will be alone forever. The chances of finding someone with that connection and chemistry who also has OCD is just nigh impossible. Not only that, I don't want anyone else. I cannot imagine a world where I do not fall asleep at his side and wake next to him. I cannot imagine a world without his parents, his family. I cannot, I don't want to. I love him so much.

Here is what's going on.
He has recently told me he is polyamorous in that he can love / be with more then one person at one time.

I am not like that, although I certainly wish I was so all of this stress and heartache could just end.

I accept him for who he is, in fact I don't even have anything to accept. I love him and all of his qualities, and I would never change a thing about him.

But again, I am not polyamorous. So, here's the situation. I'm conflicted. My stomach is turning, my heart is sinking and I don't want to lose him. I would never leave him. I wouldn't. Whatever happens will be his choice to make. But I won't make that choice, I can't - I wont.

So now my OCD is going apeshit on me. How am I supposed to live... Just live and go on continuing our life knowing that he could one day love someone else and want to be with them because of his sexuality. My OCD is so terrible right now. I had to ask him, what would you do - What would you do if you did fall for someone else. You would have to choose, to be with me or to be with them, and he said he wouldn't choose.

He said he would be himself, he would be true to himself - so what does that mean?

He said, if he loved someone else and they were okay with his being polyamorous he would be with them. So I said you would choose them then, and he said no. He said he wouldnt be choosing anyone.

It makes no sense.
I am confused.
I am conflicted.
I don't want to lose the man I love with all of who I am.
 
Eko, thanks for coming here and telling your story. We'll do what we can to talk you through this.

Your situation is quite typical - one member of a previously monogamous couple suddenly realises that they are poly, either due to a revelation, or due to meeting someone. The other partner knows for sure that they aren't poly and that this person is their "one and only".

You don't understand how his mind is working, and the stuff he is saying sometimes makes it sound like it's in a foreign language - except you understand the words but they don't make sense. Am I on the right track?

Some couples go through the immense pressure of trying to keep things "equal" by pressuring the monogamous person into being poly. That very, very rarely works, and often causes a lot of resentment and pain.

So, if you are certain that you are monogamous (and it sounds like you are), and he is polyamorous (and he is at the start of this journey, so he may not know everything about what he wants), then you need to start by accepting that fact about each other, and understanding that sometimes stuff just won't make sense, but because you love and care about each other and because you are committed to your relationship, that the other person is telling the truth of their heart.

Being poly means not having to choose simply because they acknowledge that they are in love and want to be in a relationship with more than one person - and you are one of them! it in no way means that he wants to leave you, or "upgrade", or that he is unhappy with your relationship - quite the opposite, maybe.

The main idea that poly folk have that is hard to grasp is the concept of a capacity for infinite love. Some people say that for poly folk, love isn't a "zero-sum game". Put in English, it means that just because he loves someone else, doesn't mean he loves you any less - the heart has a capacity for infinite love.

I don't want to write any more right now, because I could ramble on and on, and it may not be stuff that you want to hear. So how about some feedback - am I on the right track with some of the stuff you are saying?

If you want credentials - one of my relationships is a mono/poly relationship - I am the poly part. We went through the transition from monogamy to mono/poly and had many hours of discussion. You are far from alone - there are plenty of folks who have been through similar can can talk with you about this on this forum.
 
I strongly agree with what CielDuMatin has stated, which I surmise is in accordance with what others in the community would say.

Now, I'm no wise elder of said community. I'm fresh off the boat in this strange new land, but my wife and I have done some deep, deep conversing about what our relationship is, and what it would be with others.

I don't want to lose the man I love with all of who I am.
If he really is poly, you're not in risk of losing him. The only loss you'll experience is of your own creation. You wont even truly be sharing him, as his love for you will not diminish, nay, would likely grow through this journey.
Most of the fear of loss comes from our societal programming that we can only love one person at a time. If this were true, our children would be in a tough spot...

The main idea that poly folk have that is hard to grasp is the concept of a capacity for infinite love.
This is it in a nutshell. Wrap your head around that, and it'll be smooth sailing, more or less. There's always going to be squalls and swells, but if you've got your rigging on tight and your sails set correctly, then have no fear and enjoy the ride.
 
Hey there, welcome.

First of all: sorry you are in between a rock and a hard place. I love my partner and want to be his 'one and only' and I love my partner and want to love him for who he is … This is your side of the deal. The problem here is: Your way of loving him is making demands of the way he should love you. And I don't intend to be mean, but this concept can't work. I am in a relationship with two men, who are/live monogamously with me. Both of them. You may ask how this can work. Maybe it will help to hear, what we talked about, when things began.

I myself have been quite mono-amorous in the beginning. I was married and I was happy. But I was just seeing myself as 'mono' as long as no other love interest came along. Eventually I met my (at that time) best friend. And I fell in love. And I struggled to combine the way I regarded love and myself with this paradox new happening: Being in love with my husband, kind of waiting for this love to decline, because the love for my friend was growing. It never happened.

When I tried to explain what was going on in my head, I had a hard time. I couldn't really understand myself. I just knew, that I loved both of them. My husband asked me the same questions you have just voiced. He was afraid that I could leave him, that he would become unimportant, that I would fall out of love with him. The only thing I could do to assure him, was to show to him that nothing changed. That I stilled loved him the way I did before. It was no easy task but it worked for him.

What both of them understood, was the sentiment about what your partner said.

He said he would be himself, he would be true to himself - so what does that mean?

This means, that he can't change the way he is. This means that he can't become someone living up to the expectations of another person. He would be miserable if he became just like you would want him to be. Question for you: Would you still love him if the person he is changed because of you? What exactly would it be you 'loved' there? Your version of him? Would that be 'him' at all?

Both, my husband and my best friend, immediately said, that even if they didn't understand how this may work for me emotionally wise, that 'it was just who I am'. Because I am me. I can't be someone else and I am me with all my spleens and quirks and whatever good or bad trait there may is to be found. And I am me with my capacity to love more than one. To lose one of my loves would be the same as for you loosing your 'one and only' love. It would hurt, there wouldn't be a scale, were you can measure how much it hurt more or less than for a person loving only one.

As you have already been told: love isn't finite. You yourself have so much feelings to spend, you never run 'out' of them. For some this includes love. And you would never choose how much feelings are appropriate. 'I can't help myself, I am in love', 'I feel so much joy, it's overflowing', 'I am outraged, I hardly know what I am doing' – emotions seldom have a 'this is the right amount' scale. If you hurt, you haven't chosen to hurt if you feel joy you haven't chosen to feel it. If he falls in love he won't have had a say in it generally. I am convinced that you can't choose to feel love. You just feel it. He could choose to act on it or not. But you can never dictate how he feels.

Things that are measurable are time, money, resources of any kind. Those thing would become important as soon as there is a new person in his life. But this isn't the case right now. I don't know if this helped. Those are the basics we discovered when things got started. I hope you will be able to get a hold on this concept and are able to wrap your mind around it a bit more. I promise, it will bring you even closer to your partner :)
 
You mention OCD is a factor - When were you diagnosed and are you being treated? Actively receiving treatment can make you more able to deal with the challenges life throws at us, especially if you were diagnosed more than 10 years ago. Treatment has come a long way for OCD. :)

Being polyamorous does not mean he'd change a single thing about you. He's with you because you are appealing in a variety of ways.

If I say anything else, I'll just be saying the same stuff already said, but welcome, and hope you'll stay.
 
Thank you everyone for your responses, I am sorry I have been away from the computer and unable to reply until just now.

I value all of your input and support.

You don't understand how his mind is working, and the stuff he is saying sometimes makes it sound like it's in a foreign language - except you understand the words but they don't make sense. Am I on the right track?

Yes, you are right. I have been having a a difficult time understanding him, but it is not intentional. Believe me, I want to understand his mind probably more then he does just so I can support him and help him through this. I would liken this concept to be the same as 'coming out' and I want to be there to support him and not make matters worse by being an emotion train wreck.

Let me start by saying I have been doing a lot of thinking. My mind has been nowhere else but this subject since the day he told me. Nothing else has been on my mind. It's overwhelming, and I am trying my best to understand - I want to understand and I believe that one day I may be able to.

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the regards of if this ever happened -

What would I do?
Would I ever get over this?
Could I stand to see him with someone else and also be with me?
What about a love triangle? Could I be in one of those?

I do not have all of the answers set in stone, but I will start with what I am currently leaning towards -

If he fell in love with someone else, I would try to understand. I mean, I understand how he could fall in love with someone else, this could happen to anyone regardless of their sexuality. What I mean to say is, how would I deal with that? I believe... It would hurt. I believe it would hurt me, I really do, the idea of him going out on a date with someone else and leaving me behind to stay at home... Would be painful. How can I separate my feelings of jealousy in this situation?

I don't know the answer to that. I do know that I would support him, however. I do know, that I would deal with the pain because the pain of him being with someone else may be so dark to me - but the idea of not being in a relationship with him is... Well I don't even want to think about it, to be honest. There are no words to describe the sadness that would forever be in my heart.

He is a piece of who I am, I love him. I am in love with him, I love his soul. I would endure the pain because the alternative is worse. I just want him to be happy. I don't know. Perhaps one day it wouldn't be so painful. Maybe one day I could separate my feelings of jealousy from loving more then one person. And maybe, I couldn't. I don't know the answer to this question. My hope would be that I would be able to get over it. If I could not however, I would just endure.

As far as love triangles go... I think I could be in one. I really do.
I mean, certain aspects of it would be hard... Actually, I guess there wouldn't be anything too difficult about a love triangle. If we all love eachother there would be no problems.

I mean, if I wasn't 'in the mood' and the two of them were, I wouldn't get upset if they had intercourse, I honestly wouldn't care, because I would love both of them and they would both love me. I'm sure I might has insecurities about 'playing favorites' but I think those would come to pass.

Just the other day while working on set of a film (I'm an actor) I met a very attractive guy and I think I was a little infatuated! This of course upset me, so I talked to my partner about it. I felt guilty, I felt like I was betraying him for well, having a little crush on this guy. So i distanced myself from him.

So I will use him for an example. If it is possible to like someone else in that way, why would it then not be possible to fall for that said person. If that said person was okay with a poly love triagle, if he developed love for my partner and my partner for him, why not? I see nothing wrong with this.

My problem comes when I am not involved. Like I said, maybe I could get over it. Maybe I couldn't. All I know is I would endure, because I need my partner. I love him. I just want him to be happy.


I have also set up an email for him.

he is having a very difficult time right now, and if any of you want to offer your support I am sure he would appreciate it.

The email address is [email protected]

I will not read any of the mail you send him, I will simply give him the email and password.

Again, thank you all for your support.
 
Hi!
Are you of compatible sexualities to be in a triad? That is, are you both male, or is at least one of you bisexual if you're an opposite-sex couple?

From what you're saying, it seems to me the worst part for you would be feeling excluded and rejected. Therefore I would suggest trying to get close to any partner he might meet. Become friends with them, get to know them. Even if you don't end up being involved sexually, emotional connections would be important, as it's less threatening to know "he's out with so and so" than "he's out with this person I don't know and who I'm therefore picturing as threatening to me".

He doesn't want to leave you. He wants to be with you. He is being honest and letting you know that he might fall in love while still loving you. He's also letting you know that he wouldn't feel true to himself if he ignored one of the people he loves.
It's not choosing, to a poly person. Choosing would mean being with only you, or only the other person. That's the way it feels for him, I'm sure. To you, it probably seems like anything short of rejecting anyone who isn't you is choosing them over you. But that's not the way it feels for him and it doesn't mean he loves you any less. It's probably hard to understand on an emotional level, but if you manage to, you should feel better.

Make sure to be honest with him about your feelings. It's one thing to be willing to sacrifice in order to stay with him, it's another to keep quiet about the efforts you're making. He does need to know if it is hard for you, he can do his best to make it less hard. He could seriously hurt you by accident, simply for not knowing how you feel. He doesn't understand how you work anymore that you understand how he does. He knows the basics on an intellectual level but won't relate, won't realise he might be hurting you. Be very open about it, without being reproachful.
Just let him know "I feel this way, I want to stop feeling this way, let's work on it together".

I wish you the best of luck, feel free to come back often for advice on specific situations as they arise.
 
Look, you are "what iffing" this to pieces just because he announced that yeah, he is poly. This may be hard to hear, but here's how it seems to me, a stranger. I mean it kindly, ok? :)

So WHAT? He's announced he's poly. That is all. And?

If he's a decent person, he's not just going to RUN OFF with some other poly like a thief in the night. Why would you date a guy that would be so low to do that to you? You wouldn't. Of course not. So he is a decent person. And a decent poly person would come to you first and go "I feel like I would like to we renegotiate our boundaries to open up the relationship. What are your feelings on this? "

And you would be given the chance to state your wants, needs, and feelings about all this and take it one thing at a time. If you are open to that or not open to that when the time comes IF IT EVER COMES AT ALL.

Anyway, that's all service to one possible FUTURE that isn't even here. It hasn't happened. He's only shared the announcement he's polywired. Not that he is poly and wants to open up and start dating. Get a grip.

But why is just thinking about it getting you all ants in the pants? What do you fear?

You stay home anyway right, when he's out with the guys doing pal things right? Maybe they get a coffee. And if you do not do that already, why don't you? Doesn't he stay home when you go out with the gals for coffee? And if you don't do that why don't you?

He cannot be your whole universe.

All I know is I would endure, because I need my partner. I love him. I just want him to be happy.

Has he said he's not happy in a closed relationship with you? Where's the prob? You are projecting.

What about what YOUR needs and wants to be happy? If shooshing all your own wants and needs aside "to make him happy" is causing you all this distress, what is that telling you? You aren't really happy, are you? You are distressed.

You have some needs/wants going unmet and unvocalized. Cuz you worry more about being alone than being happy and put your happiness aside. Why do that?

Why don't you feel safe and secure being alone? Why don't you feel safe and secure in this relationship? What has he done to make you not trust him?

And this business setting aside all your wants and needs so that his comes first might sound all noble but it is actually awful. Why burden him like that? So he's suddenly having to shoosh all his needs aside to tend you yours then out of some tit-for-tat obligation? You SHARE happiness with him. You CREATE happiness for you. You do not outsource all your happiness needs on to him and expect him to fill your happy meter up.

Making him your whole universe is suffocating him. Is that how you treat loved ones?

Is he happy being the perpetual propper-upper? Or is he burning out under the burden? Get him out from under there by standing on your OWN. Close beside, sure but on your OWN feet. Learn to meet your OWN needs.

Get stable and secure on your end of the deal. Be two partners like a letter "H" -- everyone standing on their own two feet and hold hands in partnership. A real team. Communicating back and forth. Solid.

Do not be like the letter "A" where you leeeeeaaaannn all your stuff on him and hold hands and expect him to be your perpetual propper-upper. That's a burden. If you love him so, why would you burden him so forever? Having to constantly reassure and prop up and stuff.

It's not what he needs to do so you feel secure if he's already doing all he can. Are YOU doing what you need to do to get secure?

If you are not, and you overlean on to him? You get afraid to lose your propper-upper, and afraid you go splat. No wonder you worry so much about him "running off" then. Stop leaning and stand on your own feet. Then you don't fear falling!

Work on yourself to be more like an "H" -- whether he stays or goes isn't the point here. (He's not going anywhere. He loves you.) But even you recognize you are overburdening and over-leaning.

Mine being much worse then his, and I put him through a lot. I really do. Between my compulsions and insecurities - how he deals with it is beyond me.

In time of great stress, ok, fine. Partner tries to support you. But eventually you gotta heal right? Be a healthy partner? Learn to DEAL with the compulsions and insecurities.

Be you growing more secure in your own skin, more sturdy on your own two feet. Do what you need to do to be that stable secure partner for him, since you love him so. You will both enjoy each other more when you are in better balance -- in yourself and in the partnership.

What you focus on you get more of.

STOP focusing on all this fear talk. Cuz none of that is actually happening right now, is it? He's here.

Before I met him, I thought I would be alone forever. I think that if I am without him, I will be alone forever. The chances of finding someone with that connection and chemistry who also has OCD is just nigh impossible. Not only that, I don't want anyone else. I cannot imagine a world where I do not fall asleep at his side and wake next to him. I cannot imagine a world without his parents, his family. I cannot, I don't want to. I love him so much.


Focus on this:

He loves me just as much as I love him, this is evident in his patience and support.

He loves you. He is patient. He is supportive of you and your healing your OCD. He's not going to rock your boat unfairly. This is REALITY. Return the favor. Provide patience and support. And get ON with the healing of YOU! And support him in healing his health things.

That other stuff you are doing? That's what-iffing stuff out of the air. That is NOT your reality right now. That's making stress for both. That you could STOP.

Stop the what-iffing yourself into upset. If this is a solid rship, it's a solid rship. Whatever Life might throw your way you will face it together like solid partnership. Not rickety lean-to letter A's.

Stop feeding your bad dog. Feed the good one.

That would be a good place to start. Stop talking inside your head to yourself like that feeding the nasty dog. Feed the other one. :)

Now if you are honestly confused ask for clarification. (But do not zoom off into whatiffing doom and gloom. Pause that, and just get it straight from him. )

I had to ask him, what would you do - What would you do if you did fall for someone else. You would have to choose, to be with me or to be with them, and he said he wouldn't choose.

Ask him to clear that up. But me reading that?

It would mean he'd not choose because in his main rship with YOU. The rship is CLOSED and not open. So there isn't any choosing to do. Because he would not cheat.

He's with you. There. End of story.

The love would fade for that other person because there's nothing going on. Just because you feel a feeling? Doesn't mean you have to ACT on it, you know.

hugs,
GalaGirl
 
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My partner is my bestfriend, he is my soulmate, my world. I would do anything to make him happy. I put his happiness before I put my own and I strive to make sure he receives all of the attention, love and support that he deserves.

So that's your first problem, right there. That's called codependence and it's usually not healthy. I use the air plane analogy: you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting other passengers. If you're not taking care of yourself as your number one priority, then not only are you going to get hurt time and time again, but you're also going to be unable to be the best possible support to the ones you love, simply because you're not supported yourself.

This is going to become more and more important if he starts exploring polyamory. You'll need to stay on top of your own emotional health, and you'll need to ask him to slow down when you need to slow down, and you'll need to be good to yourself.

I am not like that, although I certainly wish I was so all of this stress and heartache could just end.

Bzzzz! Sorry, but it's not that simple. Even if you were polyamorous, you would still have all the same insecurities and fears. And then you would add all the insecurities and fears of your boyfriend, and you'd see that it only gets more complicated...

It's a common misconception that people can deal with jealousy by going out and getting their own relationship, but that's just avoidance and does nothing to address the core issues.

I accept him for who he is, in fact I don't even have anything to accept. I love him and all of his qualities, and I would never change a thing about him.

Even when he leaves shaving hair clumps in the sink? Or when he borrows your panties and stretches them out?

Obviously I'm being somewhat fecitious, but nobody loves absolutely all of their partner's qualities. That's not to say you don't accept him how he is, or that you want him to change... but no one is perfect, including your man.

Are you of compatible sexualities to be in a triad? That is, are you both male, or is at least one of you bisexual if you're an opposite-sex couple?

From what you're saying, it seems to me the worst part for you would be feeling excluded and rejected. Therefore I would suggest trying to get close to any partner he might meet. Become friends with them, get to know them.

This post started out with me going "ACK!" but caught itself shortly after... I would urge away from expecting to get into a triad. There are enough unicorn hunters out there without us breeding them here!!!
 
Oh, I only asked that because one of the posts said "I'd feel better if we were both with the same person" which got me thinking, is it even an option at all? Sometimes it isn't.
 
I would never leave him. I wouldn't. Whatever happens will be his choice to make. But I won't make that choice, I can't - I wont.

So now my OCD is going apeshit on me. How am I supposed to live... Just live and go on continuing our life knowing that he could one day love someone else and want to be with them because of his sexuality. My OCD is so terrible right now. I had to ask him, what would you do - What would you do if you did fall for someone else. You would have to choose, to be with me or to be with them, and he said he wouldn't choose.

He said he would be himself, he would be true to himself - so what does that mean?

He said, if he loved someone else and they were okay with his being polyamorous he would be with them. So I said you would choose them then, and he said no. He said he wouldnt be choosing anyone.

I don't know much about OCD, but I would imagine it's making everything 100x times harder. I'm sorry. :-(

I quoted the part I did because two things stood out to me: First, where you say, "What would you do if you DID fall for someone else. You would have to choose-" well, no, that's about the exact opposite of how it works for a poly person. We DON'T have to choose. I can be in a relationship with my husband AND in a relationship with my boyfriend. The point is that both my husband AND my boyfriend have to be okay with this arrangement. That's what he's saying when he says he would not choose. It would be YOUR choice and up to you to decide if you are okay with the arrangement of him also dating someone else, just like it would be up to the someone else to decide if they are okay with him also being with you.

Which brings me to point 2: you said, "I would never leave him...<snip>...Whatever happens will be his choice to make." It seems like you are trying to force him to "pick you", so you won't have to make a decision. That's not fair to either of you, and it's not healthy. You are saying you will never leave him. He's saying that, though he may love someone else, he still loves you and he's not planning on leaving. So the default is you're staying together, no matter how miserable you are with the situation and in the relationship. Now, maybe you will be able to wrap your head around him being poly and deal with your negative emotions in a productive way and end up not being miserable, and then it's a "win" for everyone. But maybe you just aren't able to deal with it (which does NOT make you a bad person, by the way. Poly and mono/poly relationships aren't for everyone) and then is it fair to hold him hostage in a relationship because you refuse to leave a situation you don't want to be in?
 
Hello everyone, I have been reading all of your comments and taking them to heart.

Things have gotten a little better for us, and I am starting on the road to acceptance, but I am still struggling over a few concepts of a poly/mono relationship.

First, if my partner truly loved someone, (the way he loves some of his closest friends), then I don't find I would have a problem with them being together.

But here is the thing. As soon as I think that, my thought process gets all back and forth and i seperate the fact that he loves that person, and the fact that they are having sex, holding hands, kissing.

If that doesn't make sense, I'll try to explain in a simpler way...

I am okay with him being in a relationship with someone he loves if he loves them the way he loves some of his friends. As soon as I think that, the fact that he loves them leaves my mind and what enters is a string of thoughts of him being affectionate with someone else.

In order to get over this I need to bring these two ideas together.

Furthermore, if one day all three of us were together, how am I supposed to feel special, if he is also with them? I have voiced that I think I would feel like the third wheel with my own partner in this situation and he can told me that would never happen because I would be his primary relationship.

Also, another update on this whole situation is this;

He has told me, he is the type of poly person who would have what he calls a primary relationship, I am the one he wants to marry and always be around / have a family with / be around his parents, etc

I believe him, however - I have grown up my entire life thinking if this was true, then he would not be with someone else.

It is all so confusing for me, but I am confident we will overcome this situation.
 
Eko, it sounds like you two are definitely going about this the right way - trying to deal with the mental process of a mono and poly being together is a huge challenge. As you see from some posts here, some people don't understand what it is like to think of relationships as a monogamous person does - they don't understand the source of your fears.

This is the main issue, based on my experience - if poly folks haven't had the experience with a monopoly setup then they aren't going to be any more able to give advice than mono people who have never encountered poly. It's not a personal failing in either, just not a situation they have been faced with.

What seems simple to a pure poly or a pure mono is incredibly complicated when you get into a mono/poly situation. You DO need to talk things through to a FAR greater degree than with a mono/mono or poly/poly situation. You DO need to spend more time trying to work things through, because it is so much harder to put yourself in their position. The danger, of course, is that you overthink things, but to be honest it's better than just "going with the flow" and experiencing a major train-wreck where everybody gets hurt.
 
He has told me, he is the type of poly person who would have what he calls a primary relationship, I am the one he wants to marry and always be around / have a family with / be around his parents, etc

I believe him, however - I have grown up my entire life thinking if this was true, then he would not be with someone else.

So it's like he's Hindu and your are Jewish. Or you are Russian and he's Italian. Or he's apple and you are orange. Basically this is cultural differences you are talking about. You are in a mixed marriage type setting. Only it's mixed GF/BF and not marriage.

And it is "monowired & polywired" as what is on the actual table and not those other things I just used for general example.

Why some of your upset? I think it is from "mixed marriage" type stuff.

You have been raised mono, and in mono world, having anything besides the GF/spouse you committed to/married is automatically "cheating" and a bad thing. "MONO" means one. More than one -- bzzzzzz! Game over!

But in the poly game? "Cheating" is not about having extra people in your romantic life. "Poly" is more than one. Other people is not a cheating thing. Nobody is being left behind or abandoned or dumped.

It is not cheating to love more than one or to have sex with them or whatever the level THAT particular rship is at does.

The cheating happens when the people in your romantic life do not KNOW about all of each other. The betrayal is not of number. It is of HONESTY.

And really, isn't that the same thing as mono if you get down to it? Not so there was more than ONE, that sex happened, but the hiding and secrecy and lack of honesty? Lack of honesty and respect is what broke the commitment agreement.

Sometimes people want to pin it on the sex part of the romance. But sometimes people in marriage cheat and there IS no romance at all! Just use the 3rd person for sex, sometimes hurting that person AND the spouse! It's still cheating. The actual betrayal is one of FAILED HONESTY. All partners were not informed at all times. Ergo -- hurt.

Or what if it was a poly-poly couple? And one of them ran off and had a romance and slept with someone else without informed consent. It's not cheating because they are both poly right? WRONG. It is STILL cheating. It doesn't MATTER that they are both wired for poly -- the betrayal was lack of honest. Poly just means wired to be ok to have more than one. It doesn't mean you want to have it right this minute, it doesn't mean polys are all sluts or whatever.

One of my fav buttons is "Bi, poly, and I STILL won't sleep with you!"

There's honor ethics here.

Spend some time with this and thinking that out to the end. And don't fret or worry or rush -- again, this is all "just thinking out loud" with your partner. It isn't YOUR RELATIONSHIP REALITY to just be thinking and talking. If anything I'd hope that brings you closer together and more emotionally intimate as you share your ideas and feelings and come to greater understanding of each other.

It is you understanding cultural differences in a mixed marriage (of gf/bf thing). All he's done is announce he is poly-wired. You guys sound like you are a closed relationship, he's not pressuring you for more than you can deal with, he loves you, etc. Don't jump the gun and overthink and cause both of you needless strife. Thinking and talking is not running out to do some betraying.

Opening up is not on your table. If it ever gets to the place where he wants to talk about that? And if it comes to be that you can't be in a mixed committed rship/marriage down the road that is OPEN, then you will deal with that then and break up decently. You'd hope for that even in a mono-mono pairing -- you give it a good run, be decent, love each other, etc. But if for some reason in dating it comes to the end of the run, you hope for a decent break up and not mega-UGH.

The main thing in mono OR poly is to be decent to all your people. You do NOT have to get ugly. Things happen, people change and grow and evolve, the ups and downs of Life are shared, communicated.

It's all how you handle it, and hopefully with some respect and grace for all your people. Whether it is just the 2 people in the couple or otherwise. Be kind to him and to YOURSELF too. Don't overthink and beat yourself up like you somehow are "not enough for him" -- it's not about that. You are coming from different cultures. He knows this -- he knows he is with a monowired.

It's not like you were hiding your Hindu Russian Jewish Appleness, right? (joke)

You will be ok however it turns out. BREATHE.

Just don't be making mountains out of molehill if your current relationship is a mixed one of CLOSED mono-poly. Is that your current rship agreement with him? If so? Most of the stuff won't even apply in a closed rship anyway! It's a big "Does not Apply here."

And then what? You've just been making him and yourself nuts for no reason. Maybe even hurting the relationship. Who wants to live with endless yaketty over "non-reality that does not apply here?" That's the fast track for pushing him away with tiresomeness.

To ask for some clearer communication is fine. To ask for some reassurance is fine. But sooner or later you have to BE reassured right? Don't be the bottomless pit of reassure and reassure but never GET reassured. It's an energy drain and rship killer.

Do the growing you need to do to get secure in your closed mixed rship and then ENJOY your rship! Individual growth and growth as a stronger couple together.

You love each other and want to be together? Then go forward slowly if it needs to be slow, but go on forward together so you can enjoy each other. Not forever stuck in a tempest/teapot thing. Hang in there!

hugs
GalaGirl
 
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Because you have been raised mono, and in mono world, having anything besides the spouse you married is automatically "cheating" and a bad thing.
"MONO" means one. More than one -- bbzzzzzz! Game over!
It's not just that - it's that if your partner loves someone else, then they obviously must love you LESS. The reason that they have fallen in love with someone else is because of a failing in YOU, something that you are lacking and that they are forced to go elsewhere to find. If everything was ok with your relationship, then he wouldn't WANT to go and spend time with the other person, because you'd be enough.

And really, isn't that the same thing as mono if you get down to it?
No, nothing like it. It is completely different.

Yes, there are a lot of similarities when it comes to "best practices" with relationships, whether mono, poly, open or closed, but there are also some major differences, and that is what causes the doubts, the fears and the vast amount of work to make it work ok.

Because mono/poly is NOT a typical poly relationship, and a lot of the ground-rules and assumptions that are often talked about on fora like this just don't apply in my experience. You have to respect both sides of it - the monogamy and the poly, and neither side can ride rough-shod over the other if it's going to work in any healthy, resentment-free way.
 
it's that if your partner loves someone else, then they obviously must love you LESS.

Ha! Yup. I know that one. It's NOT that the poly person "must love you less." Though that's common enough reaction sometimes.

No, nothing like it. It is completely different.

Interesting. I just think it is. Like...

There's the vast differences of a "mixed cultural marriage" in terms of upbringing, expectations, styles, configurations, experiences, etc.

But in the end, I think what makes cheating cheating is being dishonest and crossing relationship boundaries the actual people in the actual rship talked out and agreed on as their lines.

I don't think it matters if the rship is between mono-mono or mono-poly or poly-poly. At the dating, living together, or married and co-habitating places... whatever stage the rship is at?

If an agreed boundary is knowingly crossed dishonestly, and then dishonestly hidden? Hello, betrayal, hello, cheating.

GalaGirl
 
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Because mono/poly is NOT a typical poly relationship

Really? I'll admit my knowledge of people practicing poly is almost nil outside this forum, but there are SO many poly people on here in a relationship with someone who is mono. You, I believe, me, redpepper, November Rain, Jane Q Smythe, Phy, AnnabelMore, dinged heart, I think...and that's just off the top of my head. I don't think there's a significant contingent of people here who don't respect monogamy or those who choose (or are hardwired for) monogamy.

The difference as I see it is between understanding and acceptance. MC may not (and may never) understand how I can love more than one person at a time, since he so far doesn't, but he can see that I do in the way I behave and he accepts it as part of who and how I am. Eko doesn't necessarily have to understand how her bf can love more than one person- she needs to see if she can accept that he does (and if she can't accept it, that's fair too!) and if she can trust that he still loves her as much as he always has and feel/be shown that love by his behavior.

If it's going to be up to Eko's bf to "prove" that he loves her (which is sorta what it sounds like to me), that's starting off from a poor place already, imo. How did she know he loved her in the first place? He said it, he did things that made her feel loved, etc. That's still all he can do, really. I know it's EXTREMELY hard to get past those things you were raised believing about how a relationship "should" be, and I commend Eko for putting in the effort to try to think about relationships and love a different way. Ultimately I think Eko needs to internalize the fact that it's OK to go VERY slowly through this process. Shedding decades of social conditioning or belief systems isn't going to happen overnight, if it happens at all.
 
Yes, it is quite common, but not typical. I was trying to draw a distinction between the issues that poly/poly relationships (which I call typical poly) have, and those that mono/poly face, which I think those that have only been in poly/poly relationships aren't going to know about.

Because it's not about cheating. The main issues are the things I mentioned before, which I won't repeat.
 
Furthermore, if one day all three of us were together, how am I supposed to feel special, if he is also with them? I have voiced that I think I would feel like the third wheel with my own partner in this situation and he can told me that would never happen because I would be his primary relationship.

There's nothing that says the three of you have to spend a significant amount of time together as a threesome. While I definitely believe it's good and healthy to meet your partner's other partners, and to try and have as amicable a relationship with them as possible, that's not the same thing as weekly group movie night or anything.

You have every right to say that you don't want other partners to be brought over to your house without you being OK with it. I feel the same way about friends, for the record. My home is my safe place. I feel uneasy when people are invited over without my input, because the presence of other people in my home inevitably changes the way I have to behave there (like wearing clothes, for example...) Some poly people will disagree with that approach, but to each their own.

Because mono/poly is NOT a typical poly relationship, and a lot of the ground-rules and assumptions that are often talked about on fora like this just don't apply in my experience. *You have to respect both sides of it - the monogamy and the poly, and neither side can ride rough-shod over the other if it's going to work in any healthy, resentment-free way.
Really? I'll admit my knowledge of people practicing poly is almost nil outside this forum, but there are SO many poly people on here in a relationship with someone who is mono.

Well, for starters, there is no such thing as the "typical" poly relationship... any more than there's such thing as the "typical" romantic relationship in general.

But there are definitely major differences between a poly/poly relationship and a poly/mono relationship.

For one thing, mono people, no matter how much they can intellectualize the concept and accept their partners, can never truly understand how it feels to be in love with two people at the same time. I can understand all the physiology of a male orgasm, but I wasn't born with a penis, and I will never truly know how it feels.

Another main difference is what mono people are willing to put up with, given that they don't feel the same way and the allowances they make can never truly be reciprocated. Some are more allowing than others, some are more willing to work on their jealousy. But some will never stop wishing that the love of their life would just wake up one day and stop being poly.
 
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Interesting discussion.

Good general information about mono/poly relationships.

However, I think the OCD is not being fully addressed. My sister, with whom I am very close, has a adult son with severe OCD. To the point where, before meds, he used to believe he'd hit a toddler if he was out driving and saw a tricycle at the edge of someone's yard.

After he saw the tricycle, he'd circle around and around the block looking for the child he fully believed he'd hit. He was even stopped by a cop once, who was called to the scene because someone had seen my nephew circling the block for an hour.

His mind would cycle in worst case scenarios. He'd see a pregnant coworker at work pushing a cart of documents and believe he'd just pushed the cart into her belly, injuring her and her fetus. He'd look at the pregnant co-worker, feeling horribly guilty for hurting her, tho in reality, he'd not come near her.

Always a worst case scenario, and he was helpless to see reality until he got medicated.

All this nice info won't make a lick of difference if your OCD is driving you to constantly imagine and believe the worst-- that you WILL be lesser than any other lover your bf takes, that he WILL leave you as soon as he falls in love with someone else.

Someone else asked if your OCD has been medically diagnosed and if you are being treated. I wonder also how your bf's OCD manifests and if that affects his approach to venturing into poly territory.

If you feel so challenged, so undesirable, because of your medical condition, that you fully believe no one besides your BF would ever want you, none of the intellectualizing here will help. Galagirl has told you "just stop" having these obsessive thoughts. Of course, telling someone with OCD to "just stop" is pointless. If you could, you would. If you could, you wouldn't have OCD.

So, to be able to feel strong enough, being able to stand up straight in an H configuration, means you need to take care of yourself. See a dr, get meds, therapy... you might always be wired to have OCD, but meds can quiet the worst case scenario thoughts quite a bit. And the neediness, the constant quest for reassurance, the hopeless feelings.
 
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