OMG today is cray cray. I've got a to-do list a mile long and I am so far unable to leave the house because my daughter is taking her Astronomy quiz, and I need to supervise that until she's finished. Then I need to shower. I feel like today will never get started!
DarkKnight has an interesting schedule - he is not going to be on call this coming week, but instead will be working the 7 pm to 7 am shift so he can shadow a specific employee, and learn that particular job inside and out, so he can then train new hires. He's going to NY from December 3 until December 14.
Yeah, I'm freaking out about that.
I'm now in scheduling mode - trying to work things out with my extended family and plans here at home to make sure I can go with him some of the time and be here some of the time, and everyone gets to visit. Plus, I have my Christmas charity in NY to handle and that is going to eat up SO much time. Actually, on Sunday I have a boatload of stuff to do for it. Yikes!
Tomorrow is the day I am hosting a tea party for all my lady friends. I am excited about it, but the amount of prep work today is daunting.
PunkRock and I had a really good conversation last night - he re-iterated several times that he wants to marry me and have a ceremony. That we are staying together for always. I talked about him possibly dating and opening up our V, but he said he signed on to this thing as monogamous, and he isn't looking to change that, especially right now. I've been worrying over this, but he says I need to stop, because he isn't interested at all. He texted me earlier in the day, saying "Why would I want someone else? You give me all the love I need."
That is definitely not a polyamorous statement.
I LIKE the idea of my guys both being open to love others, because seriously, they are great. When I think about other ladies being able to experience the love and care and awesome sexy times that they have to offer - squeee! Everyone should get the opportunity to feel that wonderful.
But there is a part of me that has a LOT of fear about PunkRock finding a monogamous woman to be with, her making him feel complete, and so leaving me. So I selfishly want him NOT to be open. I start feeling anxious when I think about this. DarkKnight says this is me not trusting PunkRock yet, which is true. We've been together for almost 10 months. I don't know how long it will take for me to feel secure. I start feeling terrible when I can't put a timelime on it - how long will it be until I feel ok with him dating someone new? But he says I am silly, because he doesn't want to date anyone, at all. I don't think he's just saying that to calm me either.
I guess I should chill out and just be happy with what we have. If in the future he communicates that he does want to date, then we can put a timetable on me getting my shit together. ARGGGGGGGH. I've not had this before. When I dated M, and when I dated A, they already had other partners, and I didn't feel this mixed up. I think it has to do with the fact that those partners were already there and they were experienced poly guys. It's the unknown that is the real mindfuck for me, I think.
I am trying to think about any of the guys I was seeing - did any of them add new partners while we were dating??? Hmmmm...just M, and when he did, he called to tell me he was going on a date and that he was dumping me in the same conversation.
Huh. Well all righty then. The hell with this line of thinking.
Honestly, I believe that if DarkKnight or PunkRock came to me and said, I want to date, or swing, or whatever, I would be spooked, but then I would handle it ok. I don't know why at this moment I am having all these jumbled up anxieties about it, when it isn't even an issue! Maybe because we're talking so much about the commitment ceremony, and I want to commit to never changing what we have. But that is dumb, because things are going to change - big time! - when we move and we launch into our traveling phase and then settle down to purchase and rehab some commercial/industrial properties. Oh I am excited about our future!
Focusing on the positive. My life is really great. I am so very happy, overall.