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  #11  
Old 06-07-2018, 06:48 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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IMO, there's certainly no "winner" from this impasse, but there are certainly paths to avoid anyone losing.

Individual therapy for panic attacks set off by (unnamed) "trauma" -- definitely.

Couple therapy to correct poor communication -- highly recommended.

If anyone in this situation is truly "poly"-- or ever was at all -- then everyone is going to have to get up to speed in how to not only speak but to listen. Otherwise, while it is/was an open marriage, it can't be polyamory.
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We talk about "the poly bomb," but maybe there ought to be more discussion of using intermittent "mortar bursts" of overshare to undercut efforts at communication that is constant, forthcoming, honest, & self-revealing. Hit someone often enough (especially when they're emotionally vulnerable) with TMI, & maybe they'll eventually say something like "I really don't need to hear all this," which might be interpreted as "we aren't going to talk about it any more" -- creeping DADT.
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I am puzzled at how often this pattern has appeared in recent years. Previous to 2000, I'd only seen it once in my extended social circle -- though it's long been "a thing" in swinging.

My concern with "taking a break from poly" is that it'll play out something like this:
  • the vetoer puts any non-primary relationship(s) on hold, & claiming reciprocity demands the vetoee break off all contact with any interesting others
  • the couple attends a handful of counseling sessions, reads a book or two, maybe takes a trip
  • now "fixed" (more from passage of time than learning), the vetoer decides it's okay to "try poly" again
  • but the vetoee isn't allowed to resume involvement with any previous interest, any such having become a "trigger" (what someone here dubbed "a messy person") & thus inherently undermining the vetoer's "healing"
  • the vetoee either has no veto power or isn't inclined to use it, maybe (again) to not restrict the vetoer's "healing"
  • there's the risk that this rationale will continue to be applied, extending the "messy" list until the vetoee becomes entirely gunshy about even getting interested in dating
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  #12  
Old 06-08-2018, 10:17 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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I understand the concept of spontaneous attraction, however IMO, it comes down to expectations, agreements and on-going open communication.

For example, I was in a closed FFM "V". At one point, after we'd shelved any possibility of a triad, I told my female partner (who happens to be more attracted to men than women) that IF she was ever interested in exploring a relationship with another man outside of our V, that we could talk about that.

She said, no, she intended to be monogamous and didn't see that changing. Therefore I would have been quite shocked, hurt and confused if she deliberately misled me about being attracted to someone, or announced out of the blue, that she'd made out with/had sex with someone else.

Just because the "offer" of reciprocity had come up in the past, and the subject broached in a general way, doesn't give a partner carte blanche to just do whatever they feel like if that person has previously stated they're not interested and do not intend to go down a specific path. In that situation, there is an expectation - implicit or explicit - that any forays into intimacy "outside" the dyad will be discussed prior to anything physical occurring.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible, in a LDR committed relationship with Boho
Jester: M, 59, straight, "it's complicated"
Boho: F, 56, primary partner, heteroflexible
Red: M, 52, ex-husband, straight
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  #13  
Old 06-08-2018, 11:20 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yellowlover View Post
As this was the first connection he had made with anyone within our marriage I was shocked and hurt. Why didnít he tell me he had feelings for her previously?
How did the two of you handle it when you "dated a couple people" in the past year? Did you keep him informed, at every step, about what was likely to happen & might happen?

Did he react well, or did he have problems with it, or do you not know? If there were problems, did you deal with it as a couple, or did you leave him to "handle his own feelings"?
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cheating, communication, ptsd, trauma, trigger

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