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Old 05-20-2018, 05:36 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 727

For me, this is a difficult one to answer as I don't know many polyamorous people of either/any gender, and I've had comparatively few relationships/sex partners (by choice) over the 3+ decades I've been sexually active.

Regardless, I've never had a problem attracting either offers of sex OR longer-lasting relationships. Like you said about yourself Ravenscroft, I am not drop-dead good-looking and don't have the physique of a supermodel. I guess I'm passably attractive/cute (I look younger than my 50 years) but I don't think looks really play into this nearly as much as personality or attitude. Neither my brother (bi, non-mono) or my sister (straight, mono) have ever wanted for a partner either, so I'm not sure if our genes are responsible somehow.

Moreover, I seem to be the "type" people want to marry - I've had five proposals from men and women both - though I have no idea why this would be. I'm not rich by any means, and am socially phobic, so not a "catch" in most people's eyes.

Is my "luck" in the relationship arena simply because I'm a woman? Are my standards too low? Is it pheromones?

Me aside, my most recent male "ex" has never had any trouble finding casual sex partners, has had a good handful of women obsessed with him, yet has still struggled to conduct a long-term *successful* partnership. I think this is because he is a rather magnetic character but doesn't have the skills (or the interest) to sustain a relationship past the initial "rose coloured glasses" phase.

The same could be said for my first love who was a veritable sex magnet in his youth and for quite some time after that, but each relationship "failed" after a few short years.

So I'm not sure I'd generalise by claiming men cannot find sexual partners with the ease women often do, but I do believe that (many, not all) men for whom sex is easy to come by, do not necessarily develop the skills or personality necessary to translate that into successful lasting relationships.

I would also concur with MajorMerrick(?) who said that (erstwhile "straight") women's sexuality tends to be more fluid, which opens the door (no pun intended) for a wider range of potential sexual partners. Also agree that most women use loving touch quite naturally with each other, which, given the right conditions, means they are generally more open to wider range of sexual experiences.
Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
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Old 05-20-2018, 06:47 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 2,056

Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
Anyway, if everyone's done derailing the thread I'll be glad to see more input of personal experience & direct observation.

The thesis is that in general women might "have it easier" in getting attention, but not so much in starting a relationship (particularly in a nonmon context).**
My experience, in general, lines up with this thesis pretty well.

Appearance-wise I am a pretty ordinary looking middle-aged slightly overweight woman - although I do look younger than I am. In high-school and college I was a fairly ordinary looking, too-skinny, geeky girl. I don't turn heads by walking into the room, but I'm not ugly.

I have never found it difficult to get attention or sex from men when I am/was in the mood (i.e. on the hunt). Sure, the frat-boy-Ken-dolls looking for a Barbie-sex-tox wouldn't be interested, but the disinterest is wholly mutual. I am smart, confident, sexually open-minded, and can be socially ept if I care to be.

Since I was/am rather "relationship-avoidant" myself I am never disappointed! Fairly frequently my experience was that boys (not men, despite their chronological age) often will say they are up for casual/fun/open/FWBs but (as it seems to have been the experience of your female housemates) would then get spooked when they realize that my other relationships are in fine shape and their "superior sexual prowess" (note: it generally wasn't) wasn't going to have me swooning at their feet (at which point, presumably, they would have to "let me down gently"?).

My guys don't seem to have much trouble talking to women or getting attention - but they also have completely different styles.

MrS just enjoys being around and interacting with smart attractive women in general, and, being largely asexual, he doesn't come off as predatory as he has no "agenda" (So, of course they end up wanting to have sex with him - which he is generally oblivious to and which blows Dude's mind !)

Dude is a raging extrovert who will talk to anyone, anytime, for as long as he can hold their interest. He finds any female willing to engage with him sexy and attractive. He is super smart, funny, highly capable, enthusiastic, generous - and socially awkward. Like a big, goofy, friendly dog who keeps bringing you his toys to play with - which can be endearing to the right woman.

The trouble for him is that that he is looking for someone to "date" (i.e. have sex with on a regular basis) and that's when the fact that he is poly-not-single trips him up. That, and many women expect a dating partner to be...um, rather more responsible, punctual, attentive, sensitive, grown-up than is his nature. For these reasons it seems that his most successful relationships are with married poly women.

(Was that on-topic enough for you?)
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (26+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (8+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 05-21-2018, 11:22 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 516

OK, I will offer my direct observation here too...

For me personally, I didn’t find it “easy” to get dates. During my single days before I met Glasses, I barely hooked up or dated and I was always the one who made the first move. Upon opening up to polyamory, the messages i got from people on OKC were usually just annoying. My messages TO folks on OKC went mostly ignored. When the other person responded, it was usually a little chit-chat that didn’t go anywhere. But when it got to the point of actually meeting someone? Well, my first date was Ponytail and we’ve now been together nearly a year. I met Laptop shortly thereafter and we are still good friends. So in terms of finding dates? I’m not great about that....but I am batting a pretty good average when it comes to finding people I actually like and like me too.

Glasses found it nearly impossible to get responses from anyone on OKC, but had pretty much the same experience. Ginger was the only person he met in person and they are still together.

Laptop has had a ton of first dates and says they’ve all been pretty good. Nevertheless, he is looking for a long-term romantic partner and hasn’t been able to find anyone who wants the same thing. He has a friend with benefits who he is very compatible with, but she isn’t interested in a romantic relationship.

LadyLaptop was kind of “meh” about an open relationship at the beginning and quickly found a poly guy who she fell in love with and then took herself off the market as far as looking for anyone else. Basically, what Laptop has been looking for is what LadyLaptop found in the first few weeks of polyamory.

Ponytail doesn’t necessarily even identify as poly. He tends to just identify as non-monogamous. So I wouldn’t say that he was specifically looking for a poly partner when we got together. Before I came into the picture he had no trouble finding sexual partners but had a harder time finding compatible relationship partners. Since we have been together, he has had a few women who are interested in sex or FWB with him but nobody who is really interested in more than that.

Ginger, hmmmm, I doubt that Ginger has had any trouble attracting compatible people. Plus they have been poly for so long and enmeshed in the poly and queer community for so long they have a big advantage over all the rest of us....

I don’t know if that is helpful, but those are just the experiences of folks I know in real life. I don’t think that the women or men necessarily have it easier or harder overall. I do find it interesting that the only straight, cis-gendered people in my situation are me (mostly) and Laptop. So the only person who identifies as a cis dude is Laptop and, yeah, I think he is having the hardest time finding what he is looking for. I think the trope itself is probably pretty heteronormative.
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) > 42, M, Queer

Metamours and In-Laws
Ginger: Glasses's partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR
Curlycue: Whiskers's wife --> 40s, F
Kitchenbear: Curlycue's partner and housemate to Whiskers --> 40s, M
Rapunzel: Whiskers's girlfriend --> 40s, F
Chameleon: Rapunzel's husband --> 40s, M
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Old 05-22-2018, 03:27 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,010

Cat lived here her whole life and was very social. When we opened up she already had a long list of guys she could choose from. Plus she could walk into any bar or club and meet someone if she wanted. She basically had unlimited prospects.

Me, not so much. I did meet someone on OKC, but she was mostly saturated and couldn't meet my emotional needs. I met someone the old-fashioned way, but she had a problem with poly. Currently, the poly women I am seeing on dating sites are mostly looking for a side piece (not really poly, more like open relationship).

As I said before, I can go out and get laid fairly easily. I could probably even find a girlfriend fairly easily, but not a poly one.
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Old 05-22-2018, 11:51 PM
CaptainCarrot CaptainCarrot is offline
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14

Melody has had a double-file line of potential partners waiting almost since Day 1, whether for sex or for relationships.
She just had to do the online equivalent of wearing a sign that read "Married, available, submissive masochist," and the world was her oyster.

Meanwhile, the opposite has happened to me.
Especially due to the kink overlap which further shrinks my available dating pool.

Additionally, I have no solid concept of "flirting," and even though I make friends with women easily, I apparently have issues switching from "You're interesting" to "I'm interested in you".

Married to Melody (30F)

Last edited by CaptainCarrot; 05-23-2018 at 11:23 AM.
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Old 05-23-2018, 04:39 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,015

Ravenscroft: It does have a name, oven glove.

I don't have an easy time getting dates. I am told by reliable sources that I am attractive, in good shape, but I am not often interested in one-night stands. I don't get tons of hits on the online sites. I could change my profile and pics and likely attract a wider range of potential dates, but I purposefully choose not to.

I am attracted to fit, smart, metrosexual types, who usually have a lot more options in the local city areas than someone who is slightly off the beaten track.
Finding men who are interested in more than a roll in the hay is a challenge. None of them the men I have seen, or see, on a regular basis have issues with finding casual sex partners and they all say they don't want the "hassle" of a relationship after many years of marriage.

I look for partners on an educational and work style par. My local community offers a few laid back singles whom I really don't find appealing, there are a lot of families and students in my area.

I don't know if it would be easier to find partners if I was mono. I haven't really had to have the mono discussion more than a couple of times in the now many years since I separated/divorced as just about all the men seem happy to have fairly relaxed and non-monogamous relationships.

I don't know many non-partnered people to compare notes with, but dating these days has a lot text chat, promise to meet and then ghost. Finding a new person to chat with is only a swipe away!

Caveat: I am not terribly flirty and do not chit chat easily. I warm up to people slowly. I present as fairly straight laced despite preferring partners who enjoy BDSM. I am actively changing my work location to open up the dating pool, and to work less.
Me: mid 40s female.
Prof: late 50s. 5+ years.
Mr Dom: early 50s . Ex BF and now good friend.
Mr Six: early 50s. FWB for 3+ years.
Mr Lime: Early 50s. Recent meet. Kinky Dom.

Last edited by Atlantis; 05-23-2018 at 04:42 AM.
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