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Old 05-17-2018, 10:30 PM
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Polyglamorous Polyglamorous is offline
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Location: Texas
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Default Majority Of the time

I think that in my time reading, and becoming a member of this forum. The answer to almost every question comes down to “communicate” and then if that doesn’t work the next step is usually break up or deal. I want to make a picture of one of those follow the path graphs. It would start with have you communicated the issue with your partner? yes or no if you pick yes it would state: is this something you can live with yes or no. If yes, then continue your life while biting the bullet. If no, break up. Going to the top of the chart again, if you have not communicated it would say to do so. Does the issue still exists? If yes, is this something you can live with? Yes or no. If no, break up. If yes then bite the bullet. If you communicated and the problem doesn’t exists anymore Polly bliss!! So one out of five roads leads to desired outcome. This is purely ramblings.
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Old 05-17-2018, 10:51 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Polyglamorous,

What you're describing sounds like a flow chart. It makes sense to say that communication is the first step in all situations. If you haven't done it yet, then, go ahead and do it. Then go to the next part of the flow chart.

The next part of the flow chart might include a few other things, such as, is there a compromise that both of you can live with. Which is just a variation of what you already stated, is this something you can live with.

Interesting idea.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 05-18-2018, 04:01 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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It does seem like that, doesn't it? But if the only two options are pass or bite the bullet, it almost seems useless to communicate. I prefer to communicate to reach a compromise of some sort.
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Old 05-26-2018, 05:51 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 978

This is exactly why I've become skeptical of 'communication.'

Belief in the great god 'communication' assumes that everyone involved is mature, evolved, and honest, has dealt with their issues, etc.

I communicated very clearly to my XH that his behaviors were destroying our marriage. He lied. I finally filed.

I communicated very clearly to XBF that his wife's little games were completely unacceptable. He lied. Tried to tell me I didn't see what I saw. I broke up with him.

I was clear on the problem. I suspect he knew his wife was not going to change her behavior. He made a choice. And 'communication' could not save it, once he chose to side with the person playing games, rather than say, "hey, quit playing games, that's not nice.'
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Old 05-28-2018, 07:16 PM
1234567 1234567 is offline
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Posts: 284

It seems that way, for sure, with advice here— and it is often helpful to get that advice.

HOWEVER, the down side is it focuses things on one particular problem way too much.

I think another useful question is “what does the overall picture of having this person in your life look like? Is it generally a good thing? Do you feel compromising would help you grow or diminish you? Are you Overgiving”

And also, there are issues you visit and revisit. That’s normal.

“Is this person generally flexible enough we can work through things if given time? Does their situation— polycule, relative amount of time spent with me— allow change, or do I have very little infunence and need to accept it is a take it or leave it?” (Poly oftentimes involves less ability to grow together, but more individually, in my experience)

Also, the questions that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with you—

Am I at an ultimatum point where something has to change - and am I willing to make changes in me and see what changing me does for the relationship?”
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Old 05-30-2018, 07:29 PM
HurtandConfused HurtandConfused is offline
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 86

Originally Posted by Polyglamorous View Post
one out of five roads leads to desired outcome.
I get that sense as well, but; on the other hand... Nothing worth achieving is easy; maybe that applies here as well?
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Old 06-01-2018, 04:32 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724

There's really no "five paths." To me, the choices are "have a good relationship" or "have a half-arsed/shitty relationship" or "stop faking it." People are of course free to enjoy () Option #2, but lying to oneself or someone else (or both) seems to go directly AGAINST polyamory.

The word "communication" is a problem. We've all had countless experiences where some Imperious Leader -- politician, parent, teacher, boss -- has "communicated," meaning given an order. But there is no conversation. I started addressing this in another thread.

Let's say that Bill & Suzy are butting heads. Bill tells Suzy what he expects of her; Suzy tells Bill what she expects of him. Having "communicated," they each walk away with the feeling that it's now up to the other to "fix" things, & soon enough are perplexed that nothing is improving.

Without conversation, there is no actual communication. Many people, in many situations, truly believe that useless lip-flapping is "communication" because that is the model they have experienced their whole lives & with which they are constantly faced.

This can work out (somewhat) in monogamy because there's so much social support (even approval ) for conflict habituated relationships.

But in nonmonogamy, the mis- or non-communication piles up rapidly, first from sheer number of relationships then exponentially when there's more than two people involved. A closed threesome can stick close to the mono model (as many do) & hobble along, & closed groups in general that bow to the will of core authority (as with the husband &/or the Elders in polygamy) are basically leaning on Monogamism.
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