Questions from Newbie

Update

Hello loyal readers, new friends. :)

I just thought I'd do a quick check-in and let you know what is going on in the roller-coaster that has become my life...

We are all three doing very well. I think the added pressure of coming out to my mother has whipped everyone into shape - lol

We are all being very protective of "us" right now...and I like it :)

Well, the rift between my mother and I is not healed, but is better.

She finally wrote me a long email to explain her side. She thinks the 3-person dynamic is a problem. According to her, it will never work, and someone will end up hurt. Also, we are "ruining our children's lives."

So, in a weak, child-like moment, I decided to point out her flawed logic...I returned an email that said, "Hubby and I are getting a divorce. I am moving in with Pinky. Does that make it better?" My thought process was...she would realize immediately that me having only one lover would not fix the problem. AND should know that I would never leave Poppa. Well, that didn't work out so well...

I received a frantic call from my mother while in the Deli of our local grocery. She had just received my email and wanted to know what was going on. I was immediately mad that she believed that email for one second. She said that would make it better for the kids. :confused:

Phone call with mom was not pretty in the end. She was crying - I was pissed off - I told her she was over-reacting as We are ALL trying to figure this out. Nobody is moving in with anybody today! I asked her to calm down and assured her we would talk later.

That was Monday. By Saturday, I still hadn't heard anything from her, so I decided to drop-in and see where her head was.

Well, she wasn't crying. After small talk, I asked if she was feeling better. She said, "We're just going to have to agree to disagree." We talked about some other things. Just before I was leaving, I said, "there are some great resources on the internet." She quickly replied, "Oh, I've been there. We just shouldn't talk about it anymore."

:confused: yet again

How is that going to help? If I've learned anything from my new relationship...it's that COMMUNICATION is key. Ignoring things you don't like never makes them go away.

So here I am. Mom knows. She is not thrilled. I am trying not to allow her to poison my brain, but she's got a tiny little corner of it. :( That, I do not like.

So on my way out the door. I give mom a hug. Tell her I love her. She says tell Poppa and B (my son) I said Hi!

It took all my energy not to ask if she wanted me to say "hi" to Pinky, too.

This time, I kept myself in check, and was on my merry way.

Oh boy. Hopefully the next few months will pass uneventfully and she will chill out.

:)
 
Hi Everybody :)
I'm still working on that list of pros and cons....its funny....the best word I can use for this relationship is "fluid" which I've heard used to describe polyamorous relationships in threads here.........saying that...the pros and cons this week are different than the ones last week so I have some updating to do...... :rolleyes:
Its been a little bit of a roller coaster for a few weeks but we are on a good stretch right now and everything has been peaceful :) I had to take a little step back and figure out what I wanted....was I really ready for this...could this ever really work...how was this all going to end.....could I give up all my previous expectations for my life and accept this new life I was reaching for???? These were all questions that ran thru my mind over and over while I tried to have some "space" from Poppa and JameeDee.......
And the conclusion was...I wasn't happy without them......sure life was easier just focusing on me and my kids, not constantly collaborating on how to spend time together, feed 7 people, figure out work schedules, have alone time, etc.....but I just wasn't happy. I was bored. I missed half of my family.
And so I decided that I was willing to deal with life being a little harder if it meant I was alot happier. I wish I had the owner's manual to a committed, loving relationship between 3 people, but truth is, working it all out together has made us that much stronger and none of us are quite as happy or strong without each other anymore. We could all move on and lead independent lives if we wanted or needed to, but I don't think any of us want to anymore. All 3 of us are just a little bit better and a whole lot happier together.....
We have a unique little family, not everybody likes it....but it works for us and somehow....thru fights and hurt feelings.....pissed of mom's and endless concerns from friends and family.....and (of course) all of our own little insecurities, we're sticking it out and it gets just a little bit easier everyday.
I love my life, my 2 loves, and my family....so I guess I'm gonna do whatever it takes to keep it just the way it is :eek:
 
We are all being very protective of "us" right now...and I like it

:)

We always do better when we are all 3 focused on each other, our life, what's best for our family, and don't let the repetitive concerns we all hear over and over control our happiness.....our family is what is most important to us and when we focus on it, it all just falls into place......I don't just like it, I LOVE it!! :D
 
Awwww

Hi Everybody :)
We have a unique little family, not everybody likes it....but it works for us and somehow....thru fights and hurt feelings.....pissed off moms and endless concerns from friends and family.....and (of course) all of our own little insecurities, we're sticking it out and it gets just a little bit easier everyday.
I love my life, my 2 loves, and my family....so I guess I'm gonna do whatever it takes to keep it just the way it is :eek:

Don't you see why I love her? :)
 

And the conclusion was...I wasn't happy without them......sure life was easier just focusing on me and my kids, not constantly collaborating on how to spend time together, feed 7 people, figure out work schedules, have alone time, etc.....but I just wasn't happy. I was bored.
very good point and a question I wish people would ask themselves more often.
 
Good stuff

I feel like I only post when things are crazy. It's not always like that.

Pinky came to see me this morning when she got off work. We had about 30 minutes to chill before I had to leave for work.

While I was getting ready, she climbed in bed with Poppa, who was snoozing contently.

I finished getting ready for work, kissed my loves good bye for the day, and left them to sunggle with a grin on my face.

Looking forward to an evening together tonight. We may take a ride on the Blue Ridge Parkway, have a bottle of wine, and dessert later ;)

Today, life is good. :cool:
 
This is why I really love my family

[Hey Everybody :)
Just thought I'd follow suit with Jamee and post on a good day....which is the real reason I love my little poly life!! No worries...we will have some drama soon enough and we will need advice again but I thought I'd tell you about our great weekend together tonight :rolleyes:

I worked Friday night (boo!) but it was after having a nice short trip out of town with Poppa for some lunch at (this is the best part) a sandwich joint named "Pinky's" where the local "tattoo crowd" (we love our tattoos!!!) hangs out.....Jamee was at work during the day but we all managed to meet up and have an hour or so together at the house before I headed in for the graveyard shift......Poppa and Jamee got to have an evening at home together :) ...and Poppa even made a quick trip out to take me to get something to eat for my lunchbreak before he went to bed :)

Saturday morning started with me dropping off breakfast to Poppa (who has to work early on weekends) which was ok.....but we had a little rift while I was there because I (very quietly) told him something he told me he said to Jamee kinda hurt my feelings. I left with a kiss but it was tense and I headed home to vent to poor Jamee for an hour before her hair appointment :( BUT Poppa came home from work told me he loved me and we took a nice nap together and then we had some fun threesome grown up time (from the living room to the bedroom, hehe) all together when Jamee got home while the house was still kid free ;) We somehow ended up with only one kid (my 8 year old daughter) Saturday afternoon so we made a trip to this great hot dog/milkshake shop so she could have some fun time all by herself with 100% of the adults' attention (every kid likes to be an only child from time to time) and then we had a chef friend of ours and his girlfriend over for the evening and they made us YUMMY grub on the grill....after dinner, the 3 of us snuggled up in the king size bed with full bellies and got a good nights sleep :)

Sunday started with me taking my daughter to her Grandma's for church then visiting Poppa at work and playing on YouTube for an hour (we enjoy these silly things!) then taking my beautiful girlfriend breakfast in bed and we got some fun girl time ;) with another childfree moment...when Poppa came home, somebody had to go begin the child collecting, and Jamee volunteered to do so, so that Poppa and I could have some much needed one on one make-up time and another nice cuddly nap together (FYI we're all better now...I finally feel like he and I have really made up from the last big fight because until this weekend, I was feeling like there was still underlying tension between he and I...oh yeah...AND I have the most awesome girlfriend looking out for me and Poppa's relationship too!!). We had a great snuggly power nap then got up and all 3 of us pitched in for a thorough spring cleaning of the house, laundry, grocery shopping and cooking another awesome meal we all contributed too (and Poppa promises that he's coming to my house this week and helping me spring clean and catch up on a few things at my house too....he'll follow thru on his promise, he's good like that :) ).....Our weekend ended with kick back time on the couch watching some TV together with the kids....we all called it an early night because tomorrow is Monday and Jamee has a huge day at work, my oldest starts a rigorous week and a half of band camp, and we just all needed a good night's sleep (notice I am still awake!! LoL).

Besides all the fun times, Jamee kinda stepped into her Mommy#2 shoes and helped me with disciplining my kids this weekend for the first time (which was totally fine with me). I got to take Jamee's son to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time! WOW! and Poppa jumped in and cleaned up my 3 year old's peepee accident (all over his favorite leather chair...ouch!) I feel like we are all parenting all 4 kids now and I like it....Jamee and Poppa are so much help to me and I get the 4th kid I've always wanted.

It was a good weekend...we really are pretty much like any other family, just with 3 parents, all working together to try to figure it out......these are the times (that really is most of the time) that we all hang onto and work for everyday!!

I am back at home with a smile on my face, love in my heart, and peace of mind...looking forward to Mexican night tomorrow and getting to cook for my family, especially my wonderful girlfriend who is gonna have a looong Monday at work!!!!

Here's to another great week with my wonderful family :D
 
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Pinky,

Could you please insert some paragraph breaks [return key] in your big blocks of text? I want to read it but the absence of paragraph breaks makes it difficult to keep track of the lines....

I'm happy to see that the three of you are doing well and being happy.
 
Oops!!

Pinky,

Could you please insert some paragraph breaks [return key] in your big blocks of text? I want to read it but the absence of paragraph breaks makes it difficult to keep track of the lines....

I'm happy to see that the three of you are doing well and being happy.

I think I fixed it :eek:
I'm sure the Pink text doesn't help either and I just ramble on when I get on a roll if you haven't noticed already :)
 
Ok....its input from the peanut gallery time!!!

Ok....I have a question and an idea and I just wanna throw it out there and see what everybody's opinions are and experiences have been...........

We all love being together all the time....we used to think we needed alot of alone time and breaks from each other but anymore, we are all just alot happier together and we basically co-habitate in 2 houses.....

We made the rule awhile back, that we would wait a year before we starting looking at living together but the longer this relationship goes on, the more we all kinda feel like waiting that long may hurt our relationship more than help it. We all wanna live together and create a one-home family, but we all are just kinda like "shrugging our shoulders" at what we are waiting for....

For me #1 there are legal concerns (I watch sister wives, lol) #2 I'm worried that maybe we would be moving too fast and #3 I wonder how it is going to affect the kids........

So that's where I'm at, I'm sure Jamee will contribute her feelings as well (she's with me....we feel like we're ready but we just don't want to hurt our relationship by making a huge step so soon).......

What do you guys...newbies and experienced poly's alike.....think about us making the big move after only 5 months???? Thanks for any feedback :D
 
Five months? Too soon. That's my humble opinion, in a nutshell. I'm sure others much more experienced will be able to chime in with the why's and wherefore's.

RARGH THIS! Five months is NOTHING! There is no "all the time" when it's only been five months! Believe me, I KNOW that when you're in love or in NRE, TIME SLOWS DOWN! It used to feel like a long time when I was in my teens and 20's. I could barely wait five HOURS for anything, let alone five MONTHS!

But don't listen to us. You're your own unique person. You know yourself and your partners better than we do. So you're going to do whatever you want to do because what do a bunch of strangers on the internet know.

(and there are kids - it's not that they can't handle "alternative" relationship styles, but you shouldn't bop them around from living situation to living situation because you're horny and want to sleep in the same bed with your partners every night. Come on. But what do I know... I don't have kids. I have BEEN a kid though. So I do have some insight into how a kid might react to things.)
 
Five months? Too soon. That's my humble opinion, in a nutshell.

What are the criteria of a decision as to when is too soon? Could it be too soon for some people while not too soon for another set of people?

What does it mean for it to be too soon?

I'm not doubting that it is too soon for this set of people. I'm trying to understand how to consider the question. What is at stake here? What are the issues involved?

I've had precisely two long term loverly relationships (current one for fifteen years), and both involved us living together nearly right away, which is weird, but true. It was a matter of circumstance. In other circumstances, I'd not have traveled that road, but it is the road I'm still on, since Kevin & I are still together these many years later.
 
(and there are kids - it's not that they can't handle "alternative" relationship styles, but you shouldn't bop them around from living situation to living situation because you're horny and want to sleep in the same bed with your partners every night. Come on. But what do I know... I don't have kids. I have BEEN a kid though. So I do have some insight into how a kid might react to things.)

Yes, the fact of kids is a crucial factor in deciding when it is alright to move in together. And it does seem to weigh things toward the conservative position. I suppose.

I find it very difficult to know how to consider the question as to when it is appropriate and good to share living space -- but I'm a bit of a hippy in these matters. My fantasy life would involve a big chosen family of communalist living, patchoulie (sp?), paisly, sandals and gardens and....
 
I will clarify my earlier post. As a woman who actually married her husband just five months after we had our first date, I can tell you I am not subscribing to some rule book or status quo formula that dictates you all must wait a year (or whatever) before cohabiting. I'm a rebel, I can dig going against the grain. But keep in mind that my marriage did not involve a third person, and did end rather painfully. In addition, my answer was prompted mostly by what I have gleaned from reading your posts (and a bit of common sense).

Pinky, you said: "the longer this relationship goes on, the more we all kinda feel like waiting that long may hurt our relationship more than help it." Red flag!!!

I look at it this way. If you think waiting could hurt the relationship, how is jumping into it going to help? Sounds like the foundation is still too unstable. Better to wait until there is absolutely no doubt in the integrity of the relationship, irrespective of whatever your living arrangements are.

Furthermore, if I go back and read this thread from the beginning, I see that in the short amount of time you have all been together, it has been a rollercoaster with several dramas played out already. Now you've had a lull in the drama for, oh, maybe a couple of weeks now, and everyone's like, "Ooh, this is bliss! Why wait?" Do you see the hastiness in that attitude?

You only knew each other a short while before embarking on this poly adventure. Sure, you could all jump in feet first into a communal living situation, what the hell -- but at what cost?

Why not save some aggravation and go slowly? It couldn't hurt to take some time to learn more about each other and to enjoy what you have, right now, rather than push for a goal to achieve. Do what you want, of course, but that's how I see it. We, in western society, are so often unable to be content with and revel in what we have, that we're always striving to move forward. But why not see if you can just enjoy the deliciousness of where you are for a while, while building the foundation for a future together? How good can you stand it, right now, just as it is?
 
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I agree that its too early to move in after such a short time. You are in NRE and will be for at least a year if you ask me... that seems to be standard anyway... try doing a tag search on "moving in" and see what others have written. My boyfriend moved in at 18 months. That was about right for us... you can read about it on my blog if you wish. Ya, we had a lot to sort out before the timing was perfect... enjoying ones company is just the tip of the iceberg. I would enjoy the time you spend together and when the NRE wears off and you find that a date becomes folding laundry for an evening in front of the tv barely conscious of each other, then you are ready to talk moving in.
 
We all love being together all the time....we used to think we needed alot of alone time and breaks from each other but anymore, we are all just alot happier together and we basically co-habitate in 2 houses.....

We made the rule awhile back, that we would wait a year before we starting looking at living together but the longer this relationship goes on, the more we all kinda feel like waiting that long may hurt our relationship more than help it.

I, the love commuter, know how annoying it can be to live in two or three or four houses, always having your stuff at the wrong place, always having to think ahead of what clothes you will need, can you leave your bag behind, where on earth did I leave my meds/glasses/phone etc.

But I agree with Indie; if you think your relationship will actually HURT from the wait, then it definitely needs more waiting.

For me #1 there are legal concerns (I watch sister wives, lol) #2 I'm worried that maybe we would be moving too fast and #3 I wonder how it is going to affect the kids........

Elaborate on these concerns. They are not going to go anywhere, even after the year's up.

I've had precisely two long term loverly relationships (current one for fifteen years), and both involved us living together nearly right away, which is weird, but true. It was a matter of circumstance. In other circumstances, I'd not have traveled that road, but it is the road I'm still on, since Kevin & I are still together these many years later.

Again with Indie. I come from a dating culture where practically co-habiting from the first overnight date onwards is the rule rather than the exception. And that works well for some mono couples. But living with three adults who are used to running independent households, and with kids involved, is just that much more complicated.

We decided to officially move in with Vanilla after knowing each other for three months and dating for two. Granted, if Flattie hadn't accepted the study placement she got, we wouldn't have made that move for years. But we work well together, and most importantly, are responsible only for ourselves. If I want to pull an all-nighter and study and sleep in the next day and miss my lectures, the only one who will suffer is me. I don't car pool with anyone, I don't have to pick-up anyone, don't have to cook if I can order pizza instead etc. etc. There's no such luxury with kids.

I would enjoy the time you spend together and when the NRE wears off and you find that a date becomes folding laundry for an evening in front of the tv barely conscious of each other, then you are ready to talk moving in.

:D A good mental image to hold on to. Or when you find that after kids have gone to bed, all three just sit absorbed with their laptops, or when you are so exhausted you just collapse into bed without a thought for any hanky-panky, or become slightly annoyed when your partner wants to discuss something while you are in the middle of a really good book etc. I need to work so much from home that at this point, I could never imagine moving in with Moonlight and co. I just couldn't get the time or quiet I need for that. Do any of you have a similar situation where you really need alone-time to get something done?

Kids need stability. I don't know the specifics of your situation, i.e. would someone need to swap schools or commute much longer to hobbies, but those are all things to consider. What happens if you break up? Is it fair to up-turn the kids' lives again? What if they want to keep on living with all their siblings and three adults? What if of your triad, only one couple breaks up, but can't stand the sight of each other? Who will actually own the house? Will there be enough room for everyone? Can you afford living on your own if you need to?

Poly break-ups are like regular divorces, just hugely more complicated and with none of the legal protections.
 
And BTW, mods, could this thread be moved to the Blogs section? I think it's moved well-beyond the initial situation Jaimee asked advice on.
 
And BTW, mods, could this thread be moved to the Blogs section? I think it's moved well-beyond the initial situation Jaimee asked advice on.
BU, that request should come from the person who starts a thread because moving it to Blogs limits the kinds of answers they can get.
 
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