to love, or not to love...that is the question

polypie

New member
Ok... So for the past 5 years I've been happily married to my husband and amazing partner in life. We have three beautiful children and a functional life style that we enjoy. Occasionally we invite other women into the bedroom for fun. In the past it's never escalated beyond that. Yesterday a woman left or house after staying for 4 days... We had.sooooooo much fun, drinking and dancing and making love all throughout the night... Swimming and playing with the children all day.. Going to the gym, preparing meals together... Youuuuuuu know...normal life stuff... Not just sex. I really enjoyed her company.... My husband enjoyed her company... He kept relating her to me...saying how she has so many similar interests.. She behaves "like me"....well what I'm getting at here...he's all ready to move her in....wants a second wife.. I'm feeling a tad bit threatened/jealous...like I'm being replaced... Very unrealistic.. I'm confused because I have noooo reason to feel that way..she's a good girl...lives the kids.... Is a great help around the house... Fun in bed... If I were single I'd consider her... So why not now? I think maybe society has taught me what to think and how to feel...to be jealous...when it's just sex, I'm thrilled to see my husband just going at it.... I can't get enough...but when he's emotionally attached...suddenly I'm jealous and sad....could it be polyamory isn't for me...or was I just raised in a society that denies its people love? I have three children... I don't stop loving one so that I might love another... Should I try to be more open to this?

Also... I see lots of one person with multiple partners...how many of you are more than two that all share each other together...at the same time?

Also, also... I come from a very religiously ruled family...how do you come out with your polyamorous lifestyle?
 
I would absolutely NOT move her in. Maybe she wouldn't want to. The first thing you should do is look up the term "triad" or "unicorn" and READ EVERYTHING you can about the difficulties that are common in such scenarios.
 
everyones on board except me :/

She already agreed to move in!!!! I had to say HOLD ON let's think on it
 
She went home last and I tried to persuade my husband, sexually... He turned me away because he was too tired and had work in the very early morning... I immediately felt insecure and (jokingly) said "if she was here you wouldn't say no" (but believed it)... I ended up drinking and crying myself to sleep because I'm insecure. I've never felt this way before!!!!
 
another thing

I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of my husband another woman pregnant.... How many of you have one husband with multiple wives and children from multiple women? Was it ever confusing? Do you think my feelings stem directly from my American culture? I'm having a hard time figuring ot how i feel because its so outside anything I've ever been exposed to...
 
unicorn = bad

I would not ever want a "unicorn"... I think what I'm trying to consider is a "poly-fi triad", if I'm understanding terms correctly..... If my husband were suggesting we be "unicorn Hunters" (which he never would), although I'd never do that to a person....i would not be jealous.. I'm feeling like he's trying to replace me...or might like her more...which is irrational!!! I don't understand my feelings!!!!!
 
its in his kiss

I've never had a problem with him sleeping with another woman when I'm not present... But knowing he's kissing her.... Its crushing to me... I wish someone could get in my brain and tell me why!!!! I'm so confused
 
so confused!!!!!!!

I just spoke with my husband and he said if I'm so distraught about it we need to slow down... He said we should date her a while or even end it altogether until i sort out my feelings... I'm just so afraid I'm going to turn away from something i haven't given a chance... I see my husband and i know he'd be so much happier in a triad relationship...and I'm without reason to say why I'd be unhappy seeing him love anyone else... I wish i knee how to find answers!!!!
 
Correct me if I'm wrong, but....

Multiple times you've invited women home for SEX ONLY.
Suddenly you spend a few days with a woman, and your husband is proposing LOVE, MARRIAGE, and COHABITATION.

Yes?

If so, I would probably be freaking out, too. That wasn't the plan, it wasn't the agreement, and it wasn't your expectation. There was no discussion beforehand, other than a little bit post-coitus/domestic bliss/beginning of NRE. You and your husband and this woman need to sit down and discuss. Are you all interested in a triadic relationship? How would you handle date nights (as dyads and a triad)? Who has what responsibilities financially and around the house if you're living together? What do the kids know? Are you telling the neighbors? Your friends? Families? What happens if one of you decides you're no longer interested in one of the others (either you're not into her, she's not into you, she's not into your hubby, your hubby's not into her, your hubby's not into you, you're not into your hubby) anymore? Are you combining finances as well as households or having more of a roommate situation?

There's a LOT to figure out before starting a polyship. There's even more to figure out if you're going to live together.

I really recommend doing some reading TOGETHER. This board is a great resource. The book Opening Up has some great lists of things to talk about. I'm a fan of Polyamory in the 21st Century, too, but it's a bit textbook-like for some.

Best of luck to you all! I hope you're able to figure out what you all want. :)
 
you three have ALOT of discussion that needs to happen before she moves in. Boundaries and expectations will need to be established no matter how uncomfortable it may be. Of course they can change over time as the relationship evolves . I think the best thing you can do is not move in together and just try to keep the relationship as casual as possible while feeling it out for a few months. The minute she moves in she is in a different dynamic because she is living under someone else's roof and will feel like an outsider. She does not have the history that the two of you have and if things aren't done carefully there will be a lot of resentment building up between the two of you.
 
She went home last and I tried to persuade my husband, sexually... He turned me away because he was too tired and had work in the very early morning... I immediately felt insecure and (jokingly) said "if she was here you wouldn't say no" (but believed it)... I ended up drinking and crying myself to sleep because I'm insecure. I've never felt this way before!!!!

For what it's worth, I would avoid this kind of game playing like the plague. In order to foster healthy expression of feelings and ideas with another adult it is helpful to say what we actually mean, and own it. Here, you said what you meant, but you did so in a way which insisted he dismiss the expression. If you have something to say then say it, if you don't then don't... this pussy-footing around is only going to leave you feeling unheard and him feeling confused.

A couple of other folks have already said it but it seems to be the very crucial missing link in this situation: sit down and have a calm, frank, and SOBER conversation with him about these newly discovered live plans (moving in a new wife you both just met). Since you are looking at doing team dating (which I advise against) then it would make sense for all three of you to have these conversations together.

... He said we should date her a while

This one small phrase should be your mantra. This person is a complete stranger and it is perfectly rational to get to know them a bit before you start flinging around ideas like "poly-fi", "second wife", and "moving in". Don't pass up on the opportunity, but that doesn't mean you need to immediately dive face first into something that you've only just discovered.

This association sounds like a bullet train crashing through a city in a Bruce Willis movie. It doesn't have to be that way. Take a deep breath, have some adult conversation, read through these boards, encourage your husband to read through these boards, and try to engage your rational brain.

You guys can move in and get married next week :rolleyes:
 
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Why the rush?
No-I mean seriously, what is the rush?

How long did you date each other before you decided to marry?

I knew my husband 10 years before I married him. 9 years before we agreed to marriage.

There are LOTS of things to discuss before considering moving in. How much privacy does each person need, how will they get it, where will they get it? How does each person handle meals, foods, allergies. Toilet paper rolls, toothpaste lids.
No-I'm not joking. These things break marriages. They can certainly break complicated relationships.

Pets, allergies, safety.
Finances-who pays what, what happens if someone loses a job, does everyone pay on time or is it ok to be late. Does all of the money go in one pot and the left over get split evenly or does each person keep their own extra.

SLOW DOWN.
 
Do not move in together with anyone you have not known and been involved with for at least one year. Your husband and she are simply infatuated and drugged by the chemicals in their brains. To invite her to live with you now is sheer madness. Many couples have been seduced and taken advantage of by young women who just needed a meal ticket and a place to stay. Grab hold of your common sense and put your foot down.
 
Also... I see lots of one person with multiple partners...how many of you are more than two that all share each other together...at the same time?

Hmmm...it seems as though you are asking about an equal triad or quad - where everyone is involved with everyone else - although you didn't quite phrase it that way. Or are you asking more about group sex?

Our "core" tangle consists of a Vee hooked up to a couple (a W?) - but there are several cross-over levels of "involvement" that people may see differently. i.e. To me, Lotus is dating me and my boyfriend separately, while flirting/interested in my husband (although she views it as she is "dating the Vee"), and married to her husband (who I also play with).

For me - our tangle consists of a number of dyads that each have their own history/experience/level of involvement. Each person is a member of some number of dyads. Sometimes the dyads get together into a sexual Vee/Triad/Quad/etc. for group sex,
 
Be careful about moving a strange woman into your home so quickly.

Once she moves it it could be a BITCH to get her back out. She will have protections under the law and you would have to go through a whole huge eviction process. She could make your life a living hell.

Plus what about your children you know NOTHING about her yet you are bringing a strange woman into their home which is supposed to be a safe place.
 
Even if she were not a relative stranger, I would hesitate to move so quickly to move someone into the household. Take the time to let the NRE/limerance wear off. Get to know everyone well.

People you like tolerably well as friends/lovers when they live on the outside you may find intolerable when you're living together. The more time you take to explore their quirks and preferences, the less hazardous it becomes, though even then it's by no means certain.
 
Will try to help a little

First let's deal with jealousy... I'm not sure how long you've been married but you have been swinging for a while. You say that in that environment you are not jealous... Examine why you are jealous NOW. You've said it and that is you feel threatened...because your husband is exhibiting being drawn to this other woman. Basically this is what jealousy is... Fear ! So, first of all slow down and talk with your husband..Find out what he thinks he is feeling for this other woman. Now have him take a good look at this relationship that is being proposed and let him know what you are really feeling. How did you feel when you first invited a woman to join you in the bed. Then analyze how you felt the first time he actually had sex with another woman. You both need time to really get to know this woman determine what everyone is feeling and after a while decide where it goes from here. Personally I don't like a bunch of rules...Yes talk about what expectations all of you have for a relationship. About children, finances but RULES... more like living not regimentation... Besides what good are rules really... We get married in this society and some 70 to 75% of all marriages fail....That's not just a rule it is law and hard to break but it's done alll the time every day. Personally we have been in several relationships over the last 20 years and we are still married, I have a girlfriend who is married.. a secondary relationship and we are good friends with her husband as well but not in a relationship with him. We got a bit involved with swinging for a while.... too much BS there... No feelings no friendships and once you have sex with someone or a couple they move on a so what attitude.. In poly it is not just about sex it's about LOVE and relationships... and those relationships take on many different shapes or dimensions... It depends on what each person brings to the table and what each person wants or needs.
POLY - MANY and AMORY means LOVE. It sounds like, at this juncture, neither of the three of you is ready.. to much too fast and SEX is the main glue to hold it together... So STOP, LOOK, THINK and then and only then make a decision as to what to do. The how things are to work will work themselves out... No need to rush anything.. Just my humble opinion...
 
There is no emergency. Sit down with your husband and acknowledge that you both want good outcomes, and that you have time to process things carefully and move at a reasonable pace toward whatever these relationships will become. No one should be saying "Hurry up, or we'll miss the bus!" This is people's lives. It takes time to grow.

Everyone else has already said the many things that should be considered. But don't jump to all of those discussions. Enjoy what's fun right now, and talk about feelings and needs along the way. Slow way, way down.
 
still confused

I told them I'm to confused to go anywhere with this..i think she should act as three separate dyads that may interact all together when we all agree..so for now they may date each other... But until I'm less confused I'm just going to focus on me
 
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