If we're polyamorous, how can I be a distraction from him dating other women?

It's been 6 weeks since the break up. I'm still thinking about him, which I guess is normal.

The question I have now is....why not now and why later? Why would someone say I can't be with you now, but maybe in the future? Isn't rejection rejection? Isn't that like a back up plan?
 
I think it depends on how genuine the statement is. It could be meant as a 'softening the blow' type of thing. It could also be meant literally though. Sometimes certain things beyond the control of the people in a relationship need to fall into place in order for that relationship to happen. For instance, you might need to both have jobs in the same location, or you might need to take time out to fulfil certain child or elder care commitments before you have room in your life for more. Did he elaborate upon what future conditions would need to be met before he could see you being in his life as a dating partner again?
 
Why would someone say I can't be with you now, but maybe in the future?

The only time I've ever heard anyone say this is when they are breaking up but tryng to soften the blow. Don't think of this break up as a rejection, but as a clarification that you two were not the right match. There are so many wonderful other people who are prefectly suited to you right now.
 
I think it's entirely possible that he's being honest about "not now, maybe later".

And that the reasons he initially gave you were the truth. He wants to find a primary partner, that's his number one priority, and he doesn't have enough energy and time to devote to your relationship while he focuses on that. He also wants to have the best chance possible of finding a long term primary, and he thinks being unattached will help with that. But IF he finds a stable primary, and IF she is open to him dating you in the future, THEN it might be possible for him to date you again.

In your shoes, though, I would focus on moving on and letting go of this guy. There's no telling how long it will be before he's available again, or if his new primary will be ok with him dating you. He's shown you that you aren't a priority in his life, so don't make him one in yours.
 
Did he elaborate upon what future conditions would need to be met before he could see you being in his life as a dating partner again?

He wants a primary and doesn't think we're suitable for each other in that way. I think towards the end of our relationship he was feeling overwhelmed with time commitments and maybe even his feelings. I know at one point he loved me and was attached to me, but one of his reasons for ending things is that I was a distraction and he wanted to focus his energy to finding a primary. He had other casual relationships, but I guess they didn't take the emotional toil that I apparently did (to be fair, I was not demanding or jealous). He really wanted to remain close friends, except without the romantic component, but I felt too rejected and upset by things he said to agree to that. So, we haven't talked since the breakup. I guess that's proof he doesn't miss me!

Don't think of this break up as a rejection, but as a clarification that you two were not the right match. There are so many wonderful other people who are prefectly suited to you right now.

Thank you! I'm starting to see this as true. So many fish in the sea! Just disappointed it didn't work out with this one - I really wanted him in my life and for us to be close. Oh well...:cool:

In your shoes, though, I would focus on moving on and letting go of this guy. There's no telling how long it will be before he's available again, or if his new primary will be ok with him dating you. He's shown you that you aren't a priority in his life, so don't make him one in yours.

Never make someone a priority who treats you like an option! You're right. As someone said upthread, if his primary changed her mind, he'd dump me again in a second. I guess it's hard for people to handle multiple relationships, especially where the heart is concerned. My instinct, and I think there is evidence for this, is that although he's poly, his attachments are more casual and don't have commitments. We were way past casual, but the commitment, even without the traditional expectations of a relationship, was too overwhelming for him. ORRRRRR...maybe he just fell out of love with me and ended things. I could be giving him too much credit.
 
I just want to offer sympathy and a hug. My last breakup of a serious relationship, while not at all sudden, was messy and ugly and just fucking weird. It took me a good six months to get over him, after a 2 1/2 year relationship. Once I grieved though, I was able to jump back on OKC, kiss those darn frogs, and finally find some guys for fun, some that didn't work out for various reasons, and finally one that, so far (2 months in) going really well.

I feel more cautious with my heart now, due to my ex and what he put me through. It was a blow, and made me rather bitter for a while, and there's a scar in the trust part of my heart now that I think will always be there.

Take really good care of yourself, do good healthy things, cry, laugh, distract yourself with your other partners and friends. It's OK to curl up in a fetal ball in bed sometimes too. (Not all the time, but sometimes we just need rest.) I know how much this kind of thing can throw you.

BTW, the Facebook thing? I didn't unfriend my ex for a couple months. I was also FB friends with the married couple he was seeing towards the end of our relationship. Finally I unfriended the 2 of them, then my ex. I did have an unhealthy habit of checking up on them, and it felt clean and good when I finally closed that chapter.

My primary partner is still FB friends with my ex though, and once in a while they chat briefly. Which is weird, especially because if I am tagged in one of her pix, he can see it. Oh well.
 
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