Finding someone who understands

balance2134

New member
Ok here's my Dilemma, I'm very new in the poly lifestyle after a rough patch and some semi honest talking with my wife we decided to try this life. (I'll come back to why it's semi honest later). She has had no problem reconnecting with ex lovers and meeting new ones to explore and express herself with. I am by no means jealous of it either when she decides to let me know about them.( that's why its semi honest. She doesn't feel the need to tell me). I on the other hand can not seem to find anyone who gets my life choice and is willing to date me or even just sleep with me. I feel that's I'm a fairly attractive man with great qualities but little luck. Please any advice? Oh by the way I'm in Wisconsin.
 
If you search around the forum, you will find many threads about this disparity. The pattern seems to be that most partnered women will have more opportunities to date than their male partner. There are many theories about this. My favorite is that men act like men and women act like women. Men are generally more willing to take a chance on something unconventional like poly because there is the possibility of sex. Women typically are more concerned about the negative consequences of sex and are broadly less likely to take that same risk. Do note that I am firmly in the camp that this is the result of societal norms and that men and women respond and react to the pressures, expectations and roles placed upon them. And of course individual experiences vary greatly.

Ok, discourse over. I am curious about your personal interaction preferences. Is your wife more outgoing? Have more friends? If so, yes, she had an advantage in meeting and interacting with potential partners. Your level of introversion or extroversion is hard to change fundamentally. It's something to know about yourself and think about how, if you are more reserved, to get yourself social in ways that you like and enjoy.

Finally you may not be jealous but this unequal situation does bug you in some fashion. Try to figure out why. This can only help you down the road when you are jealous or upset. (Hey, jealousy, envy, possessiveness happens to just about everyone at some point, even experienced poly folk.) Also, it's not a race. You nor she have nothing to prove.

I will tell you what my aunt told me when I was small and pissed off about something. Life is not fair. This is one of those times when it will likely never 'even up' in your favor. But you can get to a place where your relationship feels balanced and equitable for the two of you.
 
We are both outgoing people. I know exactly in what fashion the situation bugs me. Its due to the fact that when I ask my wife if she's seeing other people she lies and says she's not. Even though Shea been seen with and.I've heard her setting up secret rendezvous with these men. I've confronted her on it and she just gets defensive and says I'm being insecure
I just calmly remind her that the only way our primary relationship can stay healthy is if we are both honest.
and your aunt was right life isn't fair lol
 
We are both outgoing people. I know exactly in what fashion the situation bugs me. Its due to the fact that when I ask my wife if she's seeing other people she lies and says she's not. Even though Shea been seen with and.I've heard her setting up secret rendezvous with these men. I've confronted her on it and she just gets defensive and says I'm being insecure
I just calmly remind her that the only way our primary relationship can stay healthy is if we are both honest.
and your aunt was right life isn't fair lol


1st bold: Lying about it = cheating. If she doesn't get that, you have bigger things to worry about then how to meet new people. What she is doing is not polyamory. Adding people to an already bad situation is NOT going to solve anything.

2nd bold: You are absolutely correct, but is it really healthy right now? If my partner consistently went behind my back and then proceeded to lie about when approached, I would definitely NOT regard our relationship as a healthy one.
 
Don't use hearsay as factual evidence. Just because she's been seen with other people, doesn't mean she's sleeping with them. =P Why would she only tell you about SOME of them? I imagine it is your own paranoia, and that is certainly not going to help things.

You also say that it was after a rough patch that you both decided on poly? What was this rough patch? I'm assuming between the two of you? Which to me, says you weren't healthy in this relationship in the first place. Opening your life to other people when you are already in a sticky spot, is another thing that will not help you both.

Get a hold of your paranoia and don't push the subject when asking without hard evidence. If she says no [and you don't have real evidence to prove otherwise], just take it as the truth. ("Innocent until proven guilty", as it were.)

As for you not getting the same attention as her, YOU ARE A MAN. As harsh as that reality may be, we are just not easily trusted by women, when we say our relationships are just open to other people pinning us down and riding us like seabiscuit. =P Desperation is easily seen through, too. It's a huge turn off for anyone who isn't also desperate.
 
I agree with the others on this. If she's lying to you, that's a problem. If she's not lying, but you're convinced that she is, that's a problem.

Both of these are much bigger problems than you not being able to find someone. In fact, it's possible that with one of these problems going on, any potential dates who pick up on it will run for the hills.
 
I do have actual physical proof that she is sleeping with these men. Our rough patch was over and I believed we were in a good place before we decided to be poly. Then I found out she was seeing these men without informing me and our number one rule was to.be honest no matter what.
 
In your intro thread you stated that you both have different visions of how you'd like this to operate. You also stated that early in your marriage she had cheated on you. Her appetite for romance and or sex is what drove you to explore this lifestyle so as to eliminate the cheating element.

Either you are not articulating clearly the boundaries drawn and importance of honesty ...and the effect and damage that the cheating has done in the past....or she doesn't give a shit. Do you think she doesn't get it? Do you think you haven't been clear enough? Or is she just very selfish and is going to do this the way she wants .... fuck the boundaries ...fuck the consequences. You're just being insecure ... suck it up bitch.
 
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I think she's more like he's too blinded by his love to see what I'm doing!
 
I think she's more like he's too blinded by his love to see what I'm doing!

AKA she doesn't give a shit.

It seems like you need to reevaluate your relationship. Are you willing to remain there if things stay the way they are? If not, what needs to happen for you to be comfortable in the relationship? What are you willing to do to prove to her that your love DOESN'T blind you? Actions speak louder than words. If you act the same towards her as you always have, then that is going to override you saying "this is a problem."
 
Actions speak louder than words. If you act the same towards her as you always have, then that is going to override you saying "this is a problem."

This. Until you make it her problem, she won't see that there is a problem.
 
As everyone has figured out by now, the real issue is is that she isn't being completely honest. The question is, why? You've both agreed that it's okay to be involved with others. It could be a lot of things, but my best guess is that she feels that what she is doing is not okay. What reasons could she have for this? When she does tell you, how do you react? Do you give any indication that you're not happy with the arrangement? As you said, the main issue is her being dishonest. Maybe she's taking your irritation at her for not being completely honest as being upset that she's with other men in general, and she feels that she's rubbing it in your face and decides not to tell you? I get the impression that communication isn't great between you and her. Work on that. With monogamy, communication is the difference between a good relationship and a bad relationship. With polyamory, communication is the difference between good relationships and complete fucking disaster.

As for the "it's easier for women" situation: Not necessarily. From my own experiences, it seems like women are less likely to be accepting of this kind of thing if they're not used to it, but also less likely to cause problems later on. I'm currently involved with one woman who is also polyamorous, and every guy she dates says they're cool with the poly situation, and then immediately try their damnedest it get me out of the picture. The other women I'm "involved" with are hesitant to acknowledge anything more that friendship with me because they're still getting used to the idea of polyamory and trying to determine if it's something they want. Still, none of them has mode the slightest attempt to interfere with my other relationships. So yeah, women are less likely to be accepting of polyamory, but if they decide they are cool with it, they're more likely to actually be cool with it.

Another example from my own life. When I first met one of my "friends," I did not think of her as someone I'd be romantically involved with. We were discussing relationships and how we're both terrible at them, and I mentioned I was polyamorous. She did not react well. She assumed I was a "typical male," concerned with sticking my penis into as many willing females as I could find without concern for their feelings, and whatever else a "typical male" is. However, rather than keep that to herself and stop talking to me, she asked me questions. We discussed it for an hour or so, and at the end of the conversation, she said: "Hmm, that might actually work for me. I'm no where near being able to do it, and I'd have to transition very slowly, but I think there's a possibility that that's what I want." Surprised the hell out of me. So, anyway, it's probably not as hopeless as it seems.
 
When she does tell me I'm actually very interested. I always express that I want her to enjoy herself and to make it home safely. I have even thanked her for being honest with me cause it's most important to me. I've never shown irritation for her going only when she attempts to hide it from me. You may be right saying that she may feel on some level its wrong but as for why I don't know her reason. She did show jealousy when I told her a woman was flirting with me and any time I mention something along those lines she ignores my comments.
 
Maybe she gets off on keeping things to herself. Like its more exciting to meet men and have sex with them when you don't know or something. It sounds like shit will hit the fan if you ever find someone that likes you. What do you intend to do about that? Anything ahead of time? Everything seems a bit of a red flag to me in this situation you are in. It seems that finding a gf is the least of your concerns.
 
She did show jealousy when I told her a woman was flirting with me and any time I mention something along those lines she ignores my comments.

This does NOT sound good. I would definitely recommend bringing that up with her, because RP is right, shit will indeed hit the fan if you find someone you could be serious about and your wife has major jealousy issues on top of already limited communication.

RP may have a point about her enjoying hiding things, as well. How does she react to your positivity when she DOES tell you things? Does she seem to appreciate it, neutral, or dislike it?

Most people here are against don't ask don't tell (DADT) policies, but her actions kind of point towards her preferring that type of a set-up. I've got nothing against them in theory, although it's used to avoid facing issues (like her jealousy), then it would seem bound to fail.
 
She's very neutral
 
Maybe she would prefer a don't ask, don't tell scenario? It sounds to me (take with a grain of salt, I'm very much a newbie) like the "rules" aren't very clear on both sides...

It sounds to me like she wants to ignore the fact that you may be with other people. She just wants to pretend it's not happening. But she also wants the thrill of the forbidden for herself. She wants that high from "sneaking."
 
Sounds to me like she's moved on emotionally but doesn't want to be the bad guy to actually break off the relationship. From what you've said it sounds like she's pushing you to break up with her. I don't know if it's on a conscious level or not but actions speak louder than words.
 
Sounds to me like she's moved on emotionally but doesn't want to be the bad guy to actually break off the relationship. From what you've said it sounds like she's pushing you to break up with her. I don't know if it's on a conscious level or not but actions speak louder than words.

I don't know that I would agree with this without more information.

Are you two still intimate? I don't just mean do you have sex, but the little things that create closeness in a couple - reading each other's moods, doing little things for one another, etc.

You (and we as responders) have been so focused on the main topic at hand that we haven't thought about the relationship as a whole. As dinged asked, what ARE you getting out of the relationship? Does she still act like she's in love with you? Does she respect you in other compartments of life even if she doesn't respect you with her sleeping around (I can't bring myself to say poly, because lying is NOT poly, and she lies or at least hides things.)? Is it possible that the reason she isn't being entirely truthful is because she doesn't care whether or not you're happy anymore and could take or leave the relationship as a whole?

Just some thinking points, you don't have to share EVERYTHING with us, obviously, but I would be really worried about the relationship in general. I also don't think I would try to implement an open relationship or poly very soon after a rough spot since it takes a while to get back in sync after major issues, but to each their own, I suppose.
 
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