Discussion on Forum Sociology and Interpersonal Dynamics

I read these complaints when I first got here. And a lot of the dissension made this site almost unbearable at times (thanks LR for convincing me to stick around). My pov differs from most people on this site, my "type" differs greatly. I found the atmosphere abrasive and almost violent. No topic could be debated without someone getting really pissy or trying to twist words into their own use, I always felt like I was watching politicians debate, instead of taking the intended meaning of the posts people would rip them apart and make the context change. That has since stopped since some members have left (usually in a huff). I am still on a forum that does this, okc for the record, people there love to rip apart what is said and blow it up their ass and hand out an apple pie made from blueberries. Fun to watch but not inviting to say the least. I don't run into those challenges here anymore.

What that says, who knows. I have been sysoping and admining sites since I was a kid (over 20 years). This site is run pretty well with lots of differing views with a foundation of a very soft set of terms (everyones poly is different, well thats kind of a weak foundation to build a site on in my very long experience at doign this). You can't be positive to everyone because not everyones version of positive works.

Take this next point as you want ceoli - I have been on 3 other poly forums. I only visit this one (I exclude fetlife as a poly forum because we all have a foundation of fetish to build our stories on, making it a very different feel to here). Your version of mature, respectful and welcoming may not be everyones version. I dislike the feel and emotions of the other sites so stopped visiting. I am not sure what sites you are talking about specifically, but I am just throwing out some anecdotal evidence that rulesets are far from universal or accepting. Someones extreme positivity and acceptance may well be someone elses turn off.

ces la vie, I don't run the site and don't have any real say. I enjoy the contrary positions this site offers without being preachy (thats important to me), that makes someone like me feel welcome. I have never had a problem putting up an opposite opinion to some of the stronger members here. I can remember a time I posted something contrary to a member and she lost it, taking what I said, and handing me back blueberries. Thats not debate, so I walked away from that talk and put her on ignore.

I think the only thing I don't like about this site, and this is not limited to here, is the lack of story line when things are tough (this applied for regulars I should say). I find sometimes people tend to only post when things when they are going well. This creates a false sense of "how it can be" when everyone is dealing with their demons. In any relationship. If we are honest, and in a way representing poly, we should be honest about both sides of the coin. Tabling only one side creates a skewed view. This creates a lot of pressure on the newbs to have that perfect poly relationship, when we all know its continuous hard work. I felt that pressure when I started here but began to ignore it as I just couldn't believe poly could be that clear and concise for people.

This is changing a bit, as more people are blogging, and more members are joining. But it was a concern of mine shortly after I joined.

Anyways, take this as you want it or don't want it.

Ari
 
What is this CF you referenced, YGirl?

"CF" stands for "child-free". There is a thread about it on here somewhere, "CF and poly", which didn't go the way I believe the OP intended for it to go, but is an interesting read nonetheless.
 
Oh, thanks. I go to several msg boards where the term stands for Christian Forum. Thanks for clearing up my confusion.
 
I don't put much stock in Google ratings. I tend to think for myself. If something is high up on the Google search results, I always look further. It's a bit insulting to people searching on the internet to assume that they are "put off" from poly just because they don't like the first forum that shows up in Google. It's a bit like saying that they would be "put off" of Asian food because they didn't like the food served by the first restaurant that showed up when they googled "hot and sour soup".

Could be. But if a resource is going to be a resource, it would be nice for that resource to be inclusive rather than exclusive.
 
Ceoli, I joined more recently than you, and didnt see the dramas you refer to, where people felt too judged and left in a huff. (Except for last week, HMA and Violet and his seeming dismissal of her hurt at him putting the needs of a girl he's known a few weeks ahead of the feelings of Violet, his fiance.)

But this is a young board, and the culture here is still evolving. I suggest you look at what is going on presently, and not hold early interactions so close to your heart.
 
Ceoli, I joined more recently than you, and didnt see the dramas you refer to, where people felt too judged and left in a huff. (Except for last week, HMA and Violet and his seeming dismissal of her hurt at him putting the needs of a girl he's known a few weeks ahead of the feelings of Violet, his fiance.)

But this is a young board, and the culture here is still evolving. I suggest you look at what is going on presently, and not hold early interactions so close to your heart.

Perhaps. What I've seen so far isn't encouraging for me. Either way, I shall end the hijack here. Break over.
 
I suffer from moderate to severe social anxiety, which is made worse in anonymous situations (such as an online forum) or other situations where I don't feel like I can get the full picture communicating with someone (phone, email).

For the record, while I have found the strong opinions of some members intimidating, I have not been offended or scared away by any responses to my posts. I've come to an online, faceless community for advice. I accept that I will either hear things I want to hear, things I might not want to hear but are still constructive, or morons not being helpful yet. (The last has not occured for me.)

Yes, I agree that the established, loving, stable relationships are also intimidating, but if one digs a little bit, I have found that you can see other sides of the same story. Also, I can't really hold it against people for the hard work that got them to where I'd one day like to be!

So, here's a newb (both to the forum and actually practicing poly) saying that this place is not all that bad. ;)
 
I read these complaints when I first got here. And a lot of the dissension made this site almost unbearable at times (thanks LR for convincing me to stick around). My pov differs from most people on this site, my "type" differs greatly. I found the atmosphere abrasive and almost violent. No topic could be debated without someone getting really pissy or trying to twist words into their own use, I always felt like I was watching politicians debate, instead of taking the intended meaning of the posts people would rip them apart and make the context change. That has since stopped since some members have left (usually in a huff). I am still on a forum that does this, okc for the record, people there love to rip apart what is said and blow it up their ass and hand out an apple pie made from blueberries. Fun to watch but not inviting to say the least. I don't run into those challenges here anymore.

Ari

I agree Ari. There have been a few that use other's words as weapons against them. Twisting them into daggers and then when it's pointed out to them they would claim it's for the sake of debate. Not their fault the others vocab isn't up to par, ect ect ect. It was sad and disheartening because for the most part I was a lurker. I had no experience so I didn't post. I'm terrible at follow through with my stories so I gathered what I could from others. Alot of very valuable discussions were lost due to this happening and I was always disappointed when a thread turned into such a petty, ego feeding, "I'm smarter/more evolved/more open minded ect ect than you." I'm glad that that part of this forum has died for the most part and I hope that it does not return!
 
I have many poly friends in many places. Not one of them is interested in participating in this forum. They come here to read up on me mostly. As I don't talk much about my personal stuff elsewhere. they roll their eyes and think I am crazy for being on here. They don't get why I care so much about the people supported on here and find it sad to read here. I respect that they think differently and get teased about it... Mono too. Actaully some are out and out frustrated with us, but it's our call what we do with ourselves and they inevitably respect that we like it here. They must cause we still hang out even though there are major differences in how we do poly.

I like that there is now a place to stick our grumpy crappy stuff in the form of a blog. I was really glad to start that this week as I felt one sided. I like to give support and saying good stuff does that, however just saying that its all hard work with out evidence of that hard work means nothing.

I'm not sure why people stay here if they don't like it. I have looked at other forums and come back to this one more often than not. I don't have a desire to change other forums though. I just go where I feel comfortable and engaged and challenged in the way that fits for me. others do this too. Yes that is a privilege to be able to have that in my life, but then aren't we all privileged to even have a computer and internet access to be able to find support, challenge etc at all? Some of my poly friends don't and rely on me and others to support them.

I'm not sure what is to be gained by saying we are privileged.... it's a public forum, if it were private, that would be more a privelge to point out I would think....

In any case, I like ygirl's presence here. I will continue to support her and protect her as long as I want to. We all do that with people in our lives. We all support those that we want to. I don't make any apologise for that and won't be changing that any time soon. If ygirl asks to to leave her alone and not support her, then I will do that out respect for her. It's between her and I really.
 
I was unaware until this thread that you were defending me in PM to other people. While it doesn't disturb me that this goes on, I think folks should know that I don't ask for this "protection" and I do not even WANT to know whether these conversations are initiated by you (redpepper) or the other parties.
 
I'm not sure why people stay here if they don't like it. I have looked at other forums and come back to this one more often than not. I don't have a desire to change other forums though. I just go where I feel comfortable and engaged and challenged in the way that fits for me.

It would be easy to read this as "people who feel unwelcome should just leave."

I'm not sure what is to be gained by saying we are privileged.... it's a public forum, if it were private, that would be more a privelge to point out I would think....

Privilege is a dynamic that exists when people who feel unwelcome are made to feel that their concerns are unimportant. As evidenced in this thread.

In any case, I like ygirl's presence here. I will continue to support her and protect her as long as I want to. We all do that with people in our lives. We all support those that we want to. I don't make any apologise for that and won't be changing that any time soon. If ygirl asks to to leave her alone and not support her, then I will do that out respect for her. It's between her and I really.

And that's not the issue. Feel free to defend and make welcome who you want. But just understand that this place is not welcoming for many. Apparently the response to that is, "so what?"

I prefer to be a bit more inclusive, that's all.
 
It would be easy to read this as "people who feel unwelcome should just leave."



Privilege is a dynamic that exists when people who feel unwelcome are made to feel that their concerns are unimportant. As evidenced in this thread.



And that's not the issue. Feel free to defend and make welcome who you want. But just understand that this place is not welcoming for many. Apparently the response to that is, "so what?"

I prefer to be a bit more inclusive, that's all.

I did not say people are not welcome. *You* read into that.

...got it, people feel unwelcome. That's too bad. I do, some don't, I can't do much about that.
@ygirl-got it, you can take care of yourself.
 
Sigh, Ceoli... I just have to get this off my chest. I really admire the knowledge that you CAN bring to the table. You have helped me alot and others here as well, but it was you that I was referring in my agreance with Ari. You seem to have an agenda to point out how this forum has populars kids and the odd balls need to stand aside or leave. It really stinks of highschool issues from your past or something. I just wonder... Why are you here? Why do you come to a board that you so love to bash. I feel you have so much more to offer to the people of this board, but you chose to do this instead. It saddens me. Some don't always agree with what you say, you don't always agree with what others say. I just don't see why you have to break up and decipher other's posts to suit your agenda. What are you achieving within yourself by brow beating the people on here? I say this not from this thread (although it seems to be headed there) but from previous disputes you have had with people here.

All I know is yes there are those who post ALOT more than others and that does set the mood, but we can't limit how many posts they make or set a minimum quota for the lurkers to ensure this place is more dynamic. There is no affirmative action here. So we have a few that stand out more than the rest... This makes us unwelcoming how? People are all different. Some get along. Some don't. Just because it is online doesn't mean that a forum will be comepletely balanced. There are people behind these keyboards. I wouldn't be friends with everyone in the real world and not because they are different (im drawn to different and get annoyed by those similar to me) but because we just don't mesh well. It happens. The world will never ever ever be all inclusive. As much as you want to claim that you are more inclusive than those on here you are merely human and therefore you will suffer the same trait as well all do. The inability to be all inclusive.

and now I'm done. Pick apart what you will if you must. I'll get over with quicy if you like. You will win. 1) I don't want to fuss or debate with you. 2) I'm not on your skill level with this sort of thing.

Just know I respect what I have known you to bring to the table when you aren't on a mission and I wish I would see more of that and less of this.
 
Sigh, Ceoli... I just have to get this off my chest. I really admire the knowledge that you CAN bring to the table. You have helped me alot and others here as well, but it was you that I was referring in my agreance with Ari. You seem to have an agenda to point out how this forum has populars kids and the odd balls need to stand aside or leave. It really stinks of highschool issues from your past or something. I just wonder... Why are you here? Why do you come to a board that you so love to bash. I feel you have so much more to offer to the people of this board, but you chose to do this instead. It saddens me. Some don't always agree with what you say, you don't always agree with what others say. I just don't see why you have to break up and decipher other's posts to suit your agenda. What are you achieving within yourself by brow beating the people on here? I say this not from this thread (although it seems to be headed there) but from previous disputes you have had with people here.

I have no issues with popularity or anything of the like. I have issues with space and being inclusive with any community that claims to have or seek those traits. I'd just like to see more space made here. Apparently that causes a whole lotta issues for people when I point out there there are places where there there isn't space. I'd just like to see a bit more diversity of views. Apparently making my views about that is "brow-beating". So be it. I have views and I post them. That's why I'm here. I really don't care if I'm liked or even listened to. But I do care about what other people who may come here seeking information see and read.

All I know is yes there are those who post ALOT more than others and that does set the mood, but we can't limit how many posts they make or set a minimum quota for the lurkers to ensure this place is more dynamic. There is no affirmative action here. So we have a few that stand out more than the rest... This makes us unwelcoming how? People are all different. Some get along. Some don't. Just because it is online doesn't mean that a forum will be comepletely balanced. There are people behind these keyboards. I wouldn't be friends with everyone in the real world and not because they are different (im drawn to different and get annoyed by those similar to me) but because we just don't mesh well. It happens. The world will never ever ever be all inclusive. As much as you want to claim that you are more inclusive than those on here you are merely human and therefore you will suffer the same trait as well all do. The inability to be all inclusive.

and now I'm done. Pick apart what you will if you must. I'll get over with quicy if you like. You will win. 1) I don't want to fuss or debate with you. 2) I'm not on your skill level with this sort of thing.

Just know I respect what I have known you to bring to the table when you aren't on a mission and I wish I would see more of that and less of this.

I'm not proposing any of that. Just suggesting that people be a bit more aware. Yet again, when I suggest such things or make my views known, it turns into disruptive drama. Ah well.
 
Eh. I'd prefer to do something about it.

You do no? You start your own threads and people engage with you. I don't get it. What more is there, no one has forced an agenda on here. We all do the same things. The fact of the matter is that some people are interested in what we say and some aren't. No one can make people engage. People do when they feel comfortable to do so. I try and create comfort because I want people to engage with (its kind of like the host and being hosted thing I had a thread on once). If people don't create comfort, then how can they expect people to want to talk with them. I certainly have been guilty of making others uncomfortable in my life off this forum, they leave or don't talk with me. I do the same, I leave or don't talk to that person until I feel comfortable.

The rest is left up to the site owner, we can't make up forums on our own, just moderate what's here and follow the policies. If those policies change its up to him. He isn't interested in doing that as its all running along smoothly. If he did and things changed somehow then the mods would adjust or leave and the people who come here would adjust or leave.
 
(everyones poly is different, well thats kind of a weak foundation to build a site on in my very long experience at doign this).

I have to question that claim because I can assure you that such a notion was never considered as essential to anything dealing with site policies. Indeed, I can assure you that such a notion was never considered *at all* when the site policies were being decided.

I can say *definitively* that such a notion is not the foundation of this site.

I think the only thing I don't like about this site, and this is not limited to here, is the lack of story line when things are tough (this applied for regulars I should say). I find sometimes people tend to only post when things when they are going well. This creates a false sense of "how it can be" when everyone is dealing with their demons.
...
This is changing a bit, as more people are blogging, and more members are joining. But it was a concern of mine shortly after I joined.

That is a function of the members posting what they want to talk about--something site staff can't do much about.
 
Could be. But if a resource is going to be a resource, it would be nice for that resource to be inclusive rather than exclusive.

This site includes *everybody who chooses to use it*, so long as they play by the rules.

Folks who exclude *themselves* are in no position to criticize.
 
I have to question that claim because I can assure you that such a notion was never considered as essential to anything dealing with site policies. Indeed, I can assure you that such a notion was never considered *at all* when the site policies were being decided.

I can say *definitively* that such a notion is not the foundation of this site.

you misunderstand. I am not saying the site was built on "everyones poly is different" I was saying the site was built on poly, which inarguably is a weak foundation.

As an example for clarity, look at biking. I am an admin on a long running bike forum. There is not a lot of wishy washy "is this biking, is that biking, whats biking" going on. The foundation is clear leaving the structure to grow as it will for hobbies.

Poly does not have that same foundation. Hell some of us can't even agree on what love is....let alone what poly is to everyone.

That is a function of the members posting what they want to talk about--something site staff can't do much about.

I know that, I wasn't accusing staff in the least :p ;)...forums are made and broken on the backs of the members...the staff can break things too, but this is the most unmoderated forum I have ever been on...the members are making this forum what it is.

Ari
 
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