poly for the relationship

redsirenn

New member
Ok - another question: ( I am having lots of these right now)

Ouroboros and I are having a FABULOUS time. This has been one of the best relationships of my life so far. I have my fears, etc. but here is something rattling around in my brain... I am not even sure if this is true for me, but would be concerned if it were.

The choices: Lots of hard work and agony, and taking time away from other important things in my life to explore polyamory (see maintaining self identity thread) OR giving up something really good.

It seems like I might be doing this because I like the relationship... not necessarily because polyamory is something I NEED.

[To complicate things, I keep thinking about the other man I love, who has no idea about this situation (but we are not together... This has been a cause of suffering for me as well). ]

I wonder if doing this because I want to see where the relationship will go is ethical to myself? OR am I selling out? thoughts?
 
mono - that is kinda the question... is going thru all of this for the sake of a relationship "good" for a person. or should that person want it for reasons that pertain to them as well? Like "you should only enter an open or poly relationship if it is something you want as well, not because someone else wants it, or for the sake of the (in this case good) relationship."
 
The choices: Lots of hard work and agony, and taking time away from other important things in my life to explore polyamory (see maintaining self identity thread) OR giving up something really good.

It seems like I might be doing this because I like the relationship... not necessarily because polyamory is something I NEED.

I'm not sure what the right answer is for you, but I do know that for myself, if I'm trying to sustain a relationship based on convincing myself that I can change something fundamental (either in myself or in my partner) in order to preserve the relationship, it's always going to be on shaky ground.

Plus I find it interesting that you're saying you're giving up something really good when that really good still involves "hard work and agony, taking time away from other important things in your life". For me, if I say "My relationship is wonderful, except for x", the the actual truth is that my relationship isn't wonderful with that niggling "x" sitting in the middle of it.
 
mono - that is kinda the question... is going thru all of this for the sake of a relationship "good" for a person. or should that person want it for reasons that pertain to them as well? Like "you should only enter an open or poly relationship if it is something you want as well, not because someone else wants it, or for the sake of the (in this case good) relationship."

For me it's about being healthy. I don't want to be poly, nor did I seek out a poly relationship. Poly is a package deal with Redepper. I am healthy in that and inevitably that is what it comes down to.
 
well - Ceoli, that is exactly what I am struggling with.

The hard work and agony is the extra work I will have to do to work thru confronting jealousy, etc. Not a result of abuse or anything like that.

This thing is, that everyone on this forum says that poly is hard work, there is alot of pain in working thru jealousy, things you will have to face that you didn't even know existed, blah blah blah.

So - then everyone has the same niggling x in their "good relationship" as I do.

If it is how you say, why even go thru with it then?

and - i think i kind've answered that part of my question. All relationships are work, regardless of their form... its just a matter of if I am willing to do the work. I would not be changing anything fundamental in myself.

OK - So, the question I really have now is related to the following:
It seems like I might be doing this because I like the relationship... not necessarily because polyamory is something I NEED.

Is that ethical to myself?
 
well - Ceoli, that is exactly what I am struggling with.

The hard work and agony is the extra work I will have to do to work thru confronting jealousy, etc. Not a result of abuse or anything like that.

This thing is, that everyone on this forum says that poly is hard work, there is alot of pain in working thru jealousy, things you will have to face that you didn't even know existed, blah blah blah.

So - then everyone has the same niggling x in their "good relationship" as I do.

If it is how you say, why even go thru with it then?

and - i think i kind've answered that part of my question. All relationships are work, regardless of their form... its just a matter of if I am willing to do the work. I would not be changing anything fundamental in myself.

OK - So, the question I really have now is related to the following:



I'm a little lost...are you poly? Or are you trying to adapt to it to be with your partner?

I would find it baffling why anyone who isn't poly would "need" it but I do understand why a person would try to adapt to it in order to be with someone they love.
 
this is a really intresting question

Poly is hard work, so is most relationships but poly is hard work in a diffrent way, however this is my opinion and this is ONLY my opinion this could be taken the wrong way and i normally don't say this but i think maybe my point of view might be useful

in many monogomous relationships, people are tiptoeing around issues like jelousy, insecurity becuase they never have a need to confront things, they feel jelous and so they make a rule that the thing that makes me feel jelous is forbidden,
the result is often affairs,
and a lack of comunication

i think that poly is more rewarding (for me) because i am actually openning my heart in a way i never thought possible, i feel jelous and i talk about it, really think about what is bringing up ANY feelings good or bad and i comunicate with my partners in a very radical way,

i am not saying that poly is better than mono for everyone but from my experience it has been better for me to conduct my relationships this way,

as for should you do this becuase you want the relationship even though you are not sure if you really would otherwise,

i say why not give it a chance, because clearly you do have some connection with this partner and i think that often we regret the things we didn't do and not the things we did do, if at the end of the day it doesn't work then you can say that you tried but it wasn't for you, and you may even start to enjoy it,

:)
Jools
 
I'm not really in the camp that poly relationships automatically involve agony. They definitely involve work but I've yet to know any worthwhile relationship that doesn't involve work. But it's the kind of work that I love doing.

So I guess it depends on where the agony is coming from. Quite frankly, if there's agony involved in any of my relationships, I'm pretty sure they're not good relationships for me.

If you're ok with the poly stuff, then it strikes me that there's no problem. But if you're viewing the poly as a source of agony in your relationship, then I would give that some serious thought.
 
yes, I can see how this is a bit confusing. It stems from me being confused myself!

I have no idea if I am poly or not - mainly because I don't know how to define it. I know I can have feelings for more than one person at a time, but I choose to not act on it mainly based on time constraints. I like to put alot into things in my life and I always have alot going on (PhD, music, art, I am very social, travel, etc). To be honest, I really don't care to label whatever i "am". I just go with it. regardless, I do feel that being in this type of relationship with Ouroboros will bring up feelings of jealousy and will be hard, regardless of how i feel about others.

Anyhow, this thread comes from the idea that you should not enter into things "for the sake of a relationship or for someone else". That these things should be done because "of your needs, what you want, etc."

I don't even know if I buy that - why is it wrong to do something FOR someone or BECAUSE of someone else's needs? Where is the line drawn?
 
If you're ok with the poly stuff, then it strikes me that there's no problem.

what do you mean by this?

But if you're viewing the poly as a source of agony in your relationship, then I would give that some serious thought.

Yeah - exactly what I am doing... giving it serious thought. The thing is, how will I even know about this without diving in? I can only "think" so far into it.
 
i don't see anything wrong for doing something for someone else, as long as it is not something that is harmful to you,
that doesn't mean that its not difficult but if its causing you to have a breakdown then its time to have a re-think, i think it also depends on how much he is giving in this relationship does he meet your needs, comunicate and make you feel loved?

Jools
 
I don't even know if I buy that - why is it wrong to do something FOR someone or BECAUSE of someone else's needs? Where is the line drawn?


If any one buys into this they are painfully narcissistic!! Of course it is not wrong to do something for some one...putting others ahead of yourself is a fundamental philosophy that takes care of the less fortunate in the world. Some people show love this way.

When you do things for others that adversely affect your health and heart, that is when you have a problem.
 
what do you mean by this?


I mean that if you're fundamentally ok with having a poly relationship with your partner, then there's really no problem



- exactly what I am doing... giving it serious thought. The thing is, how will I even know about this without diving in? I can only "think" so far into it.

So why aren't you diving in? I get the sense that you've been preventing yourself from diving in. I don't know the full story, but I remember that you've been in a sort of holding pattern, with your partner holding off on pursuing outside relationships while you work that stuff out. The thing is, there's only so long you can stay in a holding pattern before you decide whether it's right for you or not. I get the sense you haven't made that decision. I get the sense that you're trying to convince yourself of things rather than listen to your actual feelings. If you don't know what you want, you're not going to be able to get what you want out of your relationship.

Generally when I'm finding myself stuck in questions like these, it's usually because deep down, I really know the answer. I just don't want that particular answer to be right.
 
thank you.

Yes - he is meeting my needs. that is why i want the relationship!
and thanks Mono, I agree with you.

all - You have really helped me today :)
 
Q

is going thru all of this for the sake of a relationship "good" for a person. or should that person want it for reasons that pertain to them as well?

People have responded to other aspects of your question, redsirenn. What I'm wondering is if this sentiment stems from the old cliches in the dating world.

Why would he buy the cow if he's getting the milk free....
You can't change someone...
Don't have sex until x dates.....

...and it's unhealthy to do x in a relationship...

Obviously, there is truth to a lot of this. You will have a hard time if you think that someone will change during the course of your relationship because you want them to. And it's very healthy to have a relationship with yourself first.

I'm just wondering how much validity there is to the idea that it's unhealthy to sacrifice certain things for a relationship. We sacrifice for our jobs, for our children, for all sorts of things. Why is it suddenly unhealthy to sacrifice something for a relationship, if it's what you want?

...just my thoughts and probably some of my own baggage.

I don't even know if I buy that - why is it wrong to do something FOR someone or BECAUSE of someone else's needs? Where is the line drawn?

Exactly. I think it's very personal. If what you want is to put energy into these two relationships and pursue poly and you are not sacrificing something you may later regret, then I say there's a healthy way to do it. (By regret, I mean the "What was I thinking, I was so blinded" kind of regret).

Maybe you can look at ways to manage your time so you can fit everything into your life that you desire to fit. And maybe you can find the personal, "I'm doing this for me" benefits to what you feel is sacrificing for a relationship.

Does that make sense?

roly
 
I'm dealing with this some myself. I am happy with the poly relationship that I currently in, altho it is extremely complicated. However, I see it as inevitable that my primary relationship will someday end. I don't know if this is a type of relationship that I wll wish to pursue again with my now secondary and someone else. However, he really wishes for me too. I feel pushed to continue this in the future, when quite possibly I would be very happy just to be with him. I don't mind for him to continue with his bf, but I'm not sure that I would want a 2nd bf. I guess I should just take things as they are and not agonize over something that hasn't happened yet. But I think about it as my 2nd has brought it up before.
 
Why do you see it as inevitable that you primary relationship will end? No one can predict the future...

There are alot of factors involved. Hes nearly 25 years my senior. We have talked about it and we both feel that eventually something will change. We know its not forever but will take things as they are for now.
 
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