I'm probably as new as a polyamorous newbie can be, and just happened to stumble upon this site after googling "Polyamory". (Thanks, Google!) I apologize in advance if I misuse any terminology or do anything considered taboo. What I've read so far has already allowed me to let out a giant sigh of relief; I'm not alone, and I think I've come to the right place to find some much needed answers.
Anyway, about me.... I'm a 32 year old registered nurse living in the San Diego area. My fiance and I have been together for approximately 6 years and are very much in love, however neither of us has been at all successful with monogamy - in either this relationship or any of our previous ones. It's a fact that has caused both of us tremendous amounts of heartache, jealousy, and frustration. We've broken up over it, lied, cheated, fought, then in the end gotten back together after realizing that neither of us can be happy without the other in our lives. It's been truly maddening, and after his most recent indiscretion we were both finally honest enough with ourselves to say, "We can't do this anymore... it's insane." And it was. Neither of us was happy, and no matter how much we struggled to keep all of our respectful sexual and romantic feelings inside the relationship we kept failing. I thought I would never truly be happy; that I'd either be condemned to a monogamous relationship that couldn't fully satisfy me and in which I always felt trapped as I fought to take the high road, or that he and I would just continue on in our deceptive charade.
He had brought up the idea of polyamory about six months ago, and it seemed so outlandish and self-serving for him that at the time I totally dismissed it. You see, I really thought he was just looking for an excuse to sleep with other women. I felt like he was asking for a hall pass, and that pissed me off to no end. After all, I didn't want to run around being promiscuous, nothing about that appealed to me in the least. When I had cheated on him in the past, it was way less about the sex and way more about the way these men had made me feel about myself. I loved it, I was intoxicated on that feeling. It was cool to see how my character and intellect fit in with someone else's, and I genuinely cared for these outside partners of mine.
After much heartfelt discussion we revisited the idea of an open relationship, and decided we really want to at least give it an honest, ethical try. We have nothing to lose at this point, really. I hope that doesn't sound as though we're disrespecting this lifestyle choice by turning into our last resort. It's really more like we both had a big "aha" moment, and honestly the more we discuss it the more I feel like we made a really sound decision that we probably should have made years ago... we both could have avoided a hell of a lot of pain.
Of course, I have many questions and concerns because I'm so naive to the ins and outs of this whole thing. I'm sure everyone here felt the same way when they first realized that polyamory was a part of who they were. I worry about jealousy... how I'm going to deal with knowing he's with someone else while I'm at work and trying to focus. (I work 12 hour night shifts) I worry about how and when I'm supposed to tell prospective partners about our arrangement, and what their reaction will be. I don't have any idea what the "rules" or social norms are in this arena. Well, hopefully I've come to the right place to educate myself a little. I look forward to chatting with all of you and am really, really happy I've discovered this forum. Cheers, everyone!
Anyway, about me.... I'm a 32 year old registered nurse living in the San Diego area. My fiance and I have been together for approximately 6 years and are very much in love, however neither of us has been at all successful with monogamy - in either this relationship or any of our previous ones. It's a fact that has caused both of us tremendous amounts of heartache, jealousy, and frustration. We've broken up over it, lied, cheated, fought, then in the end gotten back together after realizing that neither of us can be happy without the other in our lives. It's been truly maddening, and after his most recent indiscretion we were both finally honest enough with ourselves to say, "We can't do this anymore... it's insane." And it was. Neither of us was happy, and no matter how much we struggled to keep all of our respectful sexual and romantic feelings inside the relationship we kept failing. I thought I would never truly be happy; that I'd either be condemned to a monogamous relationship that couldn't fully satisfy me and in which I always felt trapped as I fought to take the high road, or that he and I would just continue on in our deceptive charade.
He had brought up the idea of polyamory about six months ago, and it seemed so outlandish and self-serving for him that at the time I totally dismissed it. You see, I really thought he was just looking for an excuse to sleep with other women. I felt like he was asking for a hall pass, and that pissed me off to no end. After all, I didn't want to run around being promiscuous, nothing about that appealed to me in the least. When I had cheated on him in the past, it was way less about the sex and way more about the way these men had made me feel about myself. I loved it, I was intoxicated on that feeling. It was cool to see how my character and intellect fit in with someone else's, and I genuinely cared for these outside partners of mine.
After much heartfelt discussion we revisited the idea of an open relationship, and decided we really want to at least give it an honest, ethical try. We have nothing to lose at this point, really. I hope that doesn't sound as though we're disrespecting this lifestyle choice by turning into our last resort. It's really more like we both had a big "aha" moment, and honestly the more we discuss it the more I feel like we made a really sound decision that we probably should have made years ago... we both could have avoided a hell of a lot of pain.
Of course, I have many questions and concerns because I'm so naive to the ins and outs of this whole thing. I'm sure everyone here felt the same way when they first realized that polyamory was a part of who they were. I worry about jealousy... how I'm going to deal with knowing he's with someone else while I'm at work and trying to focus. (I work 12 hour night shifts) I worry about how and when I'm supposed to tell prospective partners about our arrangement, and what their reaction will be. I don't have any idea what the "rules" or social norms are in this arena. Well, hopefully I've come to the right place to educate myself a little. I look forward to chatting with all of you and am really, really happy I've discovered this forum. Cheers, everyone!