Question about disclosing a disability or other internet dating differences

bofish

New member
Hi All,

As many people here know, I have a visible disability. I have dealt with disclosing this in various ways in internet dating. I have two questions: if you have a disability or some other quirkiness that is obvious how do you deal with disclosing it? I am trying to think of something comparable, maybe you have extremely long hair or many tattoos? Race also comes to mind...

Second question: if someone told you they had a disability would this be an automatic turn-off or would you ask questions? This is a pretty harsh question: but I am curious. I think the fact that guys vanish has more to do with the concept of disability, not so much ME, because they haven't met me! Do you think the age of the person factors in? (generational beliefs)?
 
I suppose it depends on the severity. I know of a guy (friend of a friend) who was born with one arm, but it doesn't slow him down at all, and probably wouldn't consider it relavent or necessary to disclose. However, if the disability is such that it is something that the other person may have to help with, then I would probably disclose before meeting - but not in the first online conversation. I would want to chat awhile, see if we click, let them get a chance to know me. That said, I am pretty cautious and prefer a lot of chatting.
 
Hmmm. Would you want to date someone who was ableist? IMO, they should be able to hear about your condition without flinching, so I don't think I'd wait too long before disclosing (and I might even disclose somewhere on my profile). I probably wouldn't bother with the "disability" label either; I'd just name the condition and give a brief description of the nature, symptoms, and severity. I guess I'm falling back on the old "honesty is the best policy" proverb.

If I myself met someone with a disability I'd like to think I'd be more inclined to ask questions than I would to scurry away. I wouldn't want to pry but curiousity might get the best of me. On the other hand, I quit OKC and the rest of the dating scene years ago, so maybe I'm not a very useful as a "test subject" here. But that's how I imagine things playing out.
 
I disclose that me and my son are autistic on my profile. Whoever doesn't like it can fuck off.
 
I am not disabled, but I do have an odd hand. I always let people know first. I also do the same thing about being uncut, since in my age bracket it is very uncommon.

This is something that goes back to my childhood when I had girls make fun of my hand (and my uncuttness). So it is just something I do to protect myself. If they don't like it in e-space, they would go away

I have never had an adult have any problems with it, but it is somethign that goes back to my younger days so its been hard to drop.
 
I have some mental conditions that I will be dealing with my whole life. I disclose them when it gets to the point of more than just chatting. If it's just friend chat it ends up being disclosed just not as quickly as chat that moves from just friends to possibly more, if that makes sense.

The only reason I don't disclose it on my profile when I AM online is that just giving my diagnosis is misleading. I find it better to explain my symptoms and how I deal and what might come up.
 
I like to be active, often dates would include hiking, dancing, long walks, going to the amusement park etc. so honestly I would prefer to be with someone who is physically fit and able to do these things with me.

Ive had a sexual relationship with an overweight guy that had arthritis and back problems. it really hampered us in the bedroom and I didnt like it. I'd prefer my sexual partner to be healthy and physically fit.

I've dated people on the autism spectrum. I would again provided that they had good social skills and no mental health issues. oddly enough most people that Im attracted to romantically or for friendship are, I find their their candor refreshing.

I would not date anyone with untreated bipolar disorder or depression.

i also will not date someone with a pessimistic outlook on life or who is super shy or quiet, these aren't disabilities per se but can be debilitating to some.
 
Thank you

I love these posts.

kt..._ I think you are right on. I think it's best to just be specific. I don't mind the word "disabled" because I don't think of 'disability' as an negative thing.
This is excellent advice and might clear up a lot of issues.

For example, I do not see physically fit and myself as different things. I have cerebral palsy, an akward gait, and a slight speech impediment. But. I also like long walks, bike rides, hiking and amusement parks. I have also never been in the hospital. So, I would see this as "physically fit" just a bit slower movement.

I decide not to disclose on dating sites, because, frankly a lot less people reply. A lot. I tend to write creative, sexy posts and men reply by the droves. I like that empowerment, so I don't mind if some disappear when I tell them. I just think a lot about how to tell them and when to tell them.

But, again, I think you are right on. It's important to be specific.
 
"Ive had a sexual relationship with an overweight guy that had arthritis and back problems. it really hampered us in the bedroom and I didnt like it. I'd prefer my sexual partner to be healthy and physically fit."

The words "healthy" and physically fit" can be confusing to me. I have cerebral palsy, but consider myself very healthy and physically fit -I walk all over and do yoga and am thin. Or, for example the guys who play Murder Ball are uber-fit.

"I would not date anyone with untreated bipolar disorder or depression."

I totally get this - the key word being treated. How do you consider this? Their own diagnosis or a therapist's? Or something you observe??
 
And the thing with cerebral palsy is that there are very differing degrees of severity. So if a person's only experience is with someone who is severely disabled, he would have an incorrect impression about you.
 
Usually, I don't even tell them I have CP. I tell them I have an "akward" gait and a speech impediment (and am a bad speller). I am working on a book about someone with severe CP and have taught tons of adults with it. Although, I see them as sexual beings, I know it's hard for others sometimes to see that.

I just get nervous When to tell people. I'm in fact talking to someone right now who I "hit it off with" but haven't told him yet. I find that people have a pretty narrow view of what is sexy and run. But guys disappear for all kinds of other reasons.

This reminds me of a question on OKCupid. It said literary "Do you think people with a low IQ (or stupid people/something like that) should not have children."
 
"Ive had a sexual relationship with an overweight guy that had arthritis and back problems. it really hampered us in the bedroom and I didnt like it. I'd prefer my sexual partner to be healthy and physically fit."

The words "healthy" and physically fit" can be confusing to me. I have cerebral palsy, but consider myself very healthy and physically fit -I walk all over and do yoga and am thin. Or, for example the guys who play Murder Ball are uber-fit.

"I would not date anyone with untreated bipolar disorder or depression."

I totally get this - the key word being treated. How do you consider this? Their own diagnosis or a therapist's? Or something you observe??

I don't want a lover who can only have sex on their back. I expect a lover to have stamina and be able to do multiple positions for extended periods of time. Evwn better if thwy can pick me up.

I mean treated as they are on medication that keeps theor mania and depression in check and they will continue medication the duration of our relationship. I have familybwith mental health issues and.its not.something I'm willing to tolerate.
 
Re: the "disabled" label ... doesn't bother me, just reckon it'd be superfluous when people are likely to want to know more anyhow.

I guess ultimately you just tell people whenever you feel comfortable doing so. But I think that just before or just after they meet you in person, it's inevitable that they'll find out so might as well introduce the subject. If someone's not ever going to meet you in person then I don't suppose they need to know.

I think I'd err on the side of at least telling someone just before they met you in person. Otherwise there's more shock value which only increases the odds that they'll try to bolt. Which brings me back to my original question, Wouldn't you rather date someone who was okay with you being who you are?

Slightly off-topic: I recently saw the movie "The Intouchables" and was quite taken by it. Helps put a face on the word "disabled."
 
Back
Top