Sticky Secondary Situations

Amac

New member
Hi everyone.

Quick intro - my wife and I have been swingers for 4 years, and have been in 2 poly relationships. The first was an honest triangle with another woman that was amazing for all involved until it didn't end so well.
Our current situation is a V. P is my wife and primary, A is my secondary. The women interact on occasion when we're feeling in the mood for a swing situation, but the relationships are essentially separate.
We met A as part of a couple while swinging. She has since been divorced and after that we started this poly relationship which has been very strong for over a year.
But A is seeking a monogamous partner. She goes on dates and we tell each other everything, but our situation is going down friendship road at this point. I want to be happy for her and supportive of her efforts to find herself in a solid home life - and am completely comfortable with the end result - but the journey is proving difficult. I talk about it with my primary, I've read articles and blogs and things, but here is the dilemma;

All the advice I'm finding is about your primary and their outside relationships. But what about the secondary? I almost feel like I'm being abandoned. A is not my wife, but she is my best friend, and has been a lover for many years.
There seems to be a lot of good advice going on here and I hope this question isn't too far out there and I'm not just being selfish.

Thanks guys and gals!
 
So, your girlfriend of one year (and swinging partner before that) is now seeking a monogamous partner and you feel abandoned. Well, you are being dumped for something else! And it hurts. Of course.

Sounds like you would want to continue the relationship with A, but she wants to be monogamous. If that is the reality, then there is very little to be done here.

Have you asked her whether she would be interested in continuing the relationship with you if she could become your co-primary? Would you be willing to have two primary relationships? You say A wants to "find herself in a solid home life" - would that be possible with you? Here on these boards there are several members with two primary relationships, me included.

You can find information about secondary relationships here: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyconfigurations.html Maybe there is something that helps you in those articles?
 
Thank you Nadya.

A has always placed herself in the secondary role, although I've done my best to treat her as a co-primary. She has come on two family vacations with P and our kids. I spend one night a week (overnight) at her house and she spends one at ours, in our bed. We also go on vanilla dates alone, or the 3 of us go, depends on what else is going on. I'm totally fine with having two primary relationships. And yes, P is fine with a co-primary in our life.

A's divorce was bad, she doesn't have children, she's a strong independent woman with a well paying job, she just wants someone to come home to - not someones. Besides our kids, there's other reasons we couldn't live together. But to me, I think we could still live our lives "separately together". Especially with the amount of time we do get to spend with each other.

We started as swing partners, we became friends - best friends really, and then lovers. We're headed towards being friends again - and if a person other than me is what will make her happy, I am her friend and and supportive of that. I've even given her relationship advice with a previous interest of hers. But the road is difficult...
 
Hi Amac,

I don't suppose A would be willing to have one primary/monogamous partner at home, while still retaining you as a secondary partner? In other words she would have a mono/poly relationship at home. Does that make sense? Maybe that's an idea you could present to her, and she could decide whether it appeals to her. It's her decision, of course.

Otherwise I guess you'd have to return to being a platonic friend to A, which sucks but maybe we could help you negotiate that change here on this forum.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yeah, I've brought that up.
She would want a monogamous relationship at home, not a poly one. I'm definitely headed to that platonic place, but that transition is not easy and it looks like I can get help for that here.
 
I don't know whether we can make it easier per se, but maybe we can express support and that will make it easier. I for one can tell you that I support you in this, I know it is hard. I'm sorry A is fixing to break up with you, that's what it really boils down to. You can still be friends with an ex, but a friend-ex is what you'll be. :( Sorry to have to put it like that.
 
Yeah I know. An ex once told us "you can't be friends with people you used to f---" (can we say f--- on here? lol) and I'm hoping that's not true.
The break isn't going to be next week, but it's on the horizon somewhere.
 
Well on the horizon is close enough. It's close enough to stir up dread, if not (yet) bereavement.

By the way, you can definitely say "fuck" here. ;)
 
Hey all, UPDATE time!

A and I have done a lot of talking. We have come to an arrangement I was hoping for, but she wasn't seeing it the same way for whatever reason.
So - we will be each other's secondaries. Thankful it worked out. And thankful for the kind words posted here as well!
 
Hey Amac. That's great news!
 
That's great! So she will keep looking for her own primary, then? Sounds like a perfect solution!
 
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