I think this is where I belong

refinnej

New member
I've been lurking here for a while and finally signed up yesterday. Reading everyones posts have really made me take a good hard look at my life and helped lots. I thought it was time to introduce myself.

Hi, I'm Jen. I am (almost) 36 years old and will be celebrating my 17th wedding anniversary next month. Yes, I was married foolishly young, but we've managed to make it work even when I didn't think I wanted to. We have 3 children, 16, 12 and 10 years old.

The thought of opening my marriage scares the crap out of me, but at the same time makes complete sense. My husband (R) and I don't have a history of being fantastic communicators. In fact, he doesn't even know I'm thinking of approaching him with this idea. R is bi-sexual. He is also a closet cross-dresser. These are things I did not know about when we got married. They caused hurt and confusion when he told me, but I love him and if this is who he is than i can accept them. I decided that just because I love and accept him doesn't mean I have to embrace everything about him. That is why I gave him "permission" to go out with a woman we both casually know who is transitioning male to female. He wanted someone to talk to about his wants and desires, and it was not a subject I felt I could help him with. I told him he was welcome to go out, have fun, if you "click"...go for it. Just be safe and tell me about it. (So I guess I've already opened my marriage :eek:) They have gone out for drinks a couple of times, but that's all. R is a little dissapointed as I think he was looking for a deeper relationship, but that's not something he's shared with me.

I'll be honest, I'm not doing this all for him. There have been friends over the years that I have loved deeply. It always made me feel guilty. That if I was a good wife and loved my husband, I wouldn't be having these feelings, but the more I read here, that's just absurd. Why shouldn't I be allowed to feel and share those things with more than just R? I didn't love him less just because I loved someone else also.

When I came here I was looking for something. I wasn't sure what. I've poked through these forums and I've ordered several books on the subject which I am now reading. I think I have found an answer. I do not expect the next chapter to be a smooth ride, but I think it will be worth it.

The next step is to finnish these books and *gulp* approach R with the idea...wish me luck!
 
best of luck to you! i'm new here, too.

i'm a little curious, though: why aren't you going to tell him you are researching this? or at least broach the topic?

i mean, you obviously need some time to get your head wrapped around the details, sort out how you feel, and learn whats out there - wouldn't he need that, too, before a serious convo could take place?

seems to me that it wouldn't be that hard, since you already have something that is more "open" than traditional marriages. you could just say "this situation is unusual, and made me question if it was polyamory and what polyamory is. i don't know much about it yet, but am researching. maybe you should do the same, and later we can talk about it?"
 
I'm not sure why I'm putting it off. I've been thinking I should wait until I "know" what I'm talking about. But, I suppose then I'd just have to wait for him to catch up. It would probably be easier to learn if this is what's right for us together, rather than me essentially giving him a presentation on the subject. If we're going to be going down this road I suspect there will be quite a few difficult and uneasy conversations coming our way...might as well dive right in. :)
 
Welcome, Jen! :)

I think it's incredibly commendable of you to be so accepting of your husband, and are searching for ways to make things work.
 
Welcome.

I was in a similar situation (not exactly, but sexual incompatibility was/is a big part of it) and have been in very much the same position as you - up to and including the part where I felt I had to figure it out for myself before I approached my husband. I probably did more of the figuring out part before he and I talked about it - and I"m not sure if it would have been better if I'd waited longer, or taken the plunge earlier. :)

Anyway, just wanted to say that your situation isn't unique and many of us have been there already. :)
 
Welcome! I hope you find the answers you're looking for. And I think you're brave for accepting and loving your husband for his differences. If he is as open-minded as you have been for him, which it sounds like he would be, it'll probably go well for you.

:)
 
welcome, reffinej and good luck! I second the motion that it's a good idea to let your hubby know what you're up to and the sort of path your thoughts are taking. You mentioned "not having a Hx of being fantastic communicators" so there's no time like the present to start. You've everything to gain :)
 
Well, I wanted to update everyone on how things are going.
I had a talk with my husband shortly after posting here. Brought up the whole idea of opening our marriage, of polyamory, showed him the books I'd bought, and explained that I was thinking it may work for us. He was not shocked at all. He read the books (faster than i did) and thinks it's a good idea. He brought up some of our sexual incompatibilites and said this would be a great way for us to explore them. So, we are going to give this a try. We're not diving in, going to dip our toes in first. We both feel we need to take this very slow to give us time to be able to communicate and make sure we both handle it as well as we expect to. Right now we're working on figuring out where our boundries are. This whole taking it slow thing will probably be helped by the fact that neither of us have anyone we are interested in right now, but it is a relief to know we CAN.
I also want to thank everyone for all of your posting. Reading about your relationships here has been a huge help to me. It's not something I'm quite ready to open up to my friends and family yet. I need to at least figure it out for myself first, so it's been great to have your insight.
Thanks.
 
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How wonderful! Congratulations to you both! Isn't it such a pleasant surprise when you expect a conversation to be so awkward and difficult, but instead you find yourselves working together and on the same page?

No matter where your boundaries eventually land, I think its great that you are going through this together. Love and intimacy is such a big part of life, but so few people get to explore and redefine their desires as a couple. Being at the same stage, supporting each other and learning together - what a beautiful opportunity.
 
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