In the garden

I finished my work experience as a part of my training course. Now I have a couple of assignments due in a week, and then another a week after that. I have also booked up my weekend in its entirety with an event I'm organising, so I better have the damn things done this week. I'm having trouble getting started, though. Sigh. I have done a bunch of paperwork today, and been for a decent bike ride. I've also cleared email, and feel like this is more a day to get my ducks in a row. Tonight I have choir practice. First time back in ages. I'm looking forward to seeing what the new program is, and just getting lost in the music for a bit.

I spoke to Lance this morning because due to a dodgy phone he was unavailable for our regular call last night. But today was good. I asked about his anticipated timeline for visiting. He will be going to America first. Which is also good, because we agreed that it would be no fun him being here and wanting to be there. He hasn't talked about Jen in a while, so I don't know how things are, but if he's still planning on going there's every chance he'll realise he wants to stay as soon as he lays eyes on her. And even if he does then come here, it'll be somewhere in the vicinity of 12 months away, maybe longer. That's a big bucket of cold water on my NRE. Which is good, I suppose. Better than living in a fantasy land. I've told him that he's more than welcome here, that I *want* him to be here; and he's talked about what he could do to generate income here. But, waiting is.

Mike has been distant lately, but did touch base the other night. We talked about my event this coming weekend, and he said he'll get tickets for him and his friend. He talked about wanting to support me so I keep doing events next year.

Adam went to the doctor today. Bad throat infection, so he has amoxycillin to take for a while. Poor thing has been miserable. But I'm sure he'll be on the mend now.

We've started making a couple of new friends (Miz and Manu) and went to their place yesterday for a very low key birthday thing for him. They've also just moved in together, so we got to see the house for the first time. She's done the renovation and while it's not totally complete, she's got a great eye. I would love for her to do this place eventually. I got to put my arm around her quite a lot yesterday. It was so nice. Miz and I actually had our first "date" the other week, and it was good, but I'm looking forward to spending time in a more comfy space. And clothes. I got dressed up to go out and then regretted it by the end of the night. I felt so awkward. And then yesterday Manu told me he like-liked me, too. I don't know how far things will go, especially as I'm likely to move even further away for work next year, but there are always long weekends and school holidays. No hurry. They are planning on setting up a guest room, so once that's done Adam and I will be able to stay over when heading up that way (they're about an hour north from where we live).

Finally, I've had a flurry of communication with Golf. He's recently engaged :)
He's said it will be at least a couple of years of engagement, and he's wanting to see some progress in her allowing him to express himself fully in his sexuality. I think he's dreaming, and she'll get her wedding day regardless. Well, unless she grasps the full extent of his kink and finds she can't live with that. But she's got a good life with him, with bright prospects for their career together so I don't see her throwing that away. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to be her, but I think she's probably much more suited to that life. At least I've found a career I want for the foreseeable future, and Golf and I will cheer each other on from a distance.
 
Procrastination level today: Proficient

I wrote one assignment yesterday, fixed it up today with fresh eyes, and now I have the second one to do that I really need to nearly complete before the weekend, because that time is going to be very much taken up with an event I'm running from Friday night until Sunday morning. I'm going to lose money on this one, again, but it shouldn't be more than a couple of hundred dollars, and considering how ambitious I was with the venue, I think it will be worth it. I do this for love, after all :eek: Most people have been supportive, except one dudebro who claims that a 33 minute door to door drive is too far for him and his partner to travel :mad:

One of Miz and Manu's friends from the Sunday afternoon contacted me on Fet. I half suspected that would happen considering he was talking to me like he already knew me last Sunday. Miz had indicated to me that he was "open-minded" but I wish his avatar wasn't a terrifyingly shaped dick pic and that he wouldn't have launched straight into a conversation about his exhibitionist tendencies.

On a completely separate note, I had to nudge my doctor this morning (via his nurse) about my next CT scan. When I changed GPs the first meeting included me saying that I was due one in November, and him agreeing that that would be maintained. But I'd heard nothing from the hospital. Within an hour I received a phone call from the hospital saying that I'd get notified within a couple of weeks as to my appointment date. Sweet. After the last one, my old GP changed it from a year to a six month check up, but "nothing to worry about" - so I don't worry, most of the time.

My first job application is due on Friday :D
 
They didn't post the job application on Friday, but it was there on Monday. I have been working on an assignment that was due first, so I haven't done the application yet. The assignment is done, but I'm going to sleep on it (I hope) and check it again tomorrow before uploading.

I've also been struggling with insomnia that has gotten to sleep deprivation levels, and yesterday I started having some difficulty breathing. Last night was a disaster. Not 100% today, either, so the chores are happening very slowly.

I videoed with Lance this morning. I thought I was awake enough and ok, but I was crying (with tiredness) in under two minutes. I can't even remember why, now.

But I've been crying quite a bit since the weekend. I hosted a event that went really, really well, (from evening to Sunday morning) and I spent Sunday afternoon crying with gratitude over my amazing friends, old and new, who make these events so good. Mike was there, and when I was having a moment of insecurity, I asked for his assistance and he gave it without hesitation. We also spent a lot of Monday morning chatting back and forth on WhatsApp, both debriefing a little from the weekend.

Lance is more likely to end up here long term than the States right now. Well, by right now, I mean that's the mindset, although there will be months, maybe a year - who knows - before it's a physical reality. And we're not making any actual plans until we've spent time in each other's company, but the fantasies are fun (the ones about sight seeing and some income generation for him if he stays around a while).

And through all this, Adam is my absolute rock. Day to day living can get pretty stressful at times, things aren't perfect, money is tight, but we have warmth and food and occasionally, treats like last weekend. We're still not sure how next year is going to look since I'm hoping to move for work, and he'll come with me but we don't want to/can't logistically right now pack up and sell. We want to keep this place, but it'll be tricky. Once we know about the job, we'll see about getting a flatmate who can pay the bulk of the costs for here. We'll be up this way once a month or so, and on school holidays.

Well, time to make another attempt at chores.
 
The worst of the exhaustion is over.

Miz was supposed to be going on holiday this week, but had to bump her flights a week. So I've invited her and Manu over for Saturday. Casual hanging out and chatter. He doesn't finish work until 5pm so will arrive later. I think they're nuts bringing both cars this far when we could have re-booked to Sunday, but oh well. I guess that means a later night than I first thought, but that's not a huge deal so long as I break the back of my last assignment tomorrow.

I got my job application in today, after the boss sent me a hurry up LOL. I've been told through the grapevine that I'm guaranteed an interview, but it's still embarrassing putting down my last 5 years of work history, or lack thereof. But still, I'm excited. I REAAAALLLLLY want this job. It doesn't close for another two weeks, though. So, hurry up and wait time.

I submitted one assignment yesterday and now just one to go. Procrastination level: High. I guess it's because I feel this one is just too hard. That I'm going to look bad, etc. etc. One of my classmates said it was "demotivating" and I agree. I don't mind writing essays, I find they consolidate a lot of what I've been learning. But this stuff. Ugh. And then exams, which were just horrible last time. I wish I could just put pen to paper and work really hard for a while (like, weeks), but I keep hitting a mental wall. Studying at a distance doesn't help one bit.
 
Lance and I have been escalating the communication. I've let down most of my guards and am simply enjoying the happiness that goes with becoming closer. We're starting to discuss what life could look like if he chooses to live in NZ for a while.

Jen has been drawing back from him, but he doesn't discuss her with me much now. He knows I just want him to be happy, so if they end up together once he is free to travel to her, I'll deal. I've kinda done that grieving once and I'm no longer afraid. What will be, will be.
 
I'm going to see some local community friends tonight for "drinks" - which 1. I won't be doing much of since it's the best part of an hour's drive home, and 2. is actually likely to evolve pretty quickly into a mini play party. Last time we did this I was basically there to be FetMum to a newbie so she felt an extra level of safety. She's not new anymore, but I'm invited anyway as a little bit of an afterthought, but the d-type host and I have a strange history so I wasn't surprised.

Mike will be there. He and I don't show much intimacy around others, but there are small rituals like hugging me so hard my back clicks. I'm well out of his inner circle, though. I'm not sure if all three of them will be there, but two will. It's a crazy complicated polycule that I'd need a diagram to explain. I'm in the fuzziest of spaces, but it works. He had my back 100% at the party I organised so I feel safe with him.

I've started trying to improve the physical side of my relationship with Adam. I got so used to sex hurting with the endo I became a bit frigid. This is awful because I've always been so sex positive. I got, we got, extremely good at toy play, but I want to be able to enjoy intercourse again.
 
It's Lance's birthday today. I posted a card thinking it would be a little late but it's already there. I included a fridge magnet pointing to NZ. He's talking like he'll be skipping the States and coming straight here, or maybe a very short trip to the States perhaps, I don't know except that Jen's done herself absolutely no favours with her behaviour. He's sick of it. And while I'm pleased that that means he's going to be able to come here, I'm also sad for him because he was absolutely head over heels for her back at Easter. I just want him to be happy, whatever that looks like. I'm excited that that is likely to include some serious time here so we can get to know each other better, but I'm also realistic that poly may be too hard on everyone especially since my job is highly likely to be somewhere conservative and I won't be able to introduce him as a romantic partner at work/around the family I'll be working with. But that job won't be forever. I'm looking at two years to begin. He won't even get here for a part of the first one.

Drinks the other night went okay, I had the chance for a private conversation with Mike, which was nice. And also with the other guy - Kereru. Kereru and I attempted a thing once. It didn't work and we're a little uptight around each other a lot of the time. But having some 1-1 conversation was good, I think we both felt relieved it was so easy. Usually it's impossible to get a word in edgeways when he and Mike are in the same room, and then they complain that other people have nothing to say. Muppets.

The calendar is very full for the next couple of weeks, which suits me down to the ground. And I love this time of year, sunny but not too hot.

Job interview on Wednesday. Please cross everything, even though it's conservative I want it so much. It would be the perfect early career job.
 
It's quite remarkable to think that in two weeks from now my next round of assessments will be over. Not that I've got the marks yet from the last round, but oh well. I just need to pass. That's all I care about. To the point of anxiety. I have no idea what I'd do if I don't pass, I am literally banking on this.

Golf seems to be very much a "The Secret" type of person and tells me to visualise it, believe I can do it because then I will. I need to apply some of that to my body, too. I'm going to set myself the goal of joining in the cross country run next year in May. It's about 5 kilometres (3 miles) of uneven grass running. I hope my hips/knees/etc allow it!

I got my appointment time for my next CT scan - they're monitoring a spot on my lung. I'm sure it'll be fine. The most surprising part is that it's a Sunday appointment! Damn, I've just realised that it's on the weekend in the middle of my study break. Sigh.

Talking the other night with Kereru and co, one of the observations was that for poly to really work, then there has to be active help from other partners to facilitate the other relationships. Not just an allowing it to happen, but working together to ensure that all logistics are catered for, be it transport, living arrangements, financial agreements, or whatever else. I feel absolutely confident in Adam that he would do these things. As for Lance, I guess we'll figure that out when he gets here. I've already said in passing that he might not enjoy living as poly, with the implication that if he doesn't want to stay, that's okay, it won't ruin our friendship (I hope). But one thing at a time. He can come here for six months without a visa to start with. We'll work the rest out after that.
 
I Got The Job!!!!!!!! :D
 
Everything is falling into place just at the moment.

I've accepted the job. My exams weren't abysmal, I'm sure I've passed (and that's all I care about). The rent at the staff accommodation is only $200 a week including power and phone/internet (that's really cheap, btw) and we have found a flatmate for our other house, so money won't be a problem over Summer (my job starts on the 28th of January and it will take some time to get paid because the national payroll are notoriously slow.)

Things are going well with Lance. I don't know quite what's happening with Jen, but it's not much. He's determined to move here, and soon. Just waiting for his house to sell. I've removed Jen as his other gf from my signature because until I hear otherwise, I don't see her as someone he'll share significant time with for the foreseeable future. Admittedly, he hasn't extracted himself fully, and they've both been off Fet for about 5 months now - which is a shame because he used to love posting his poetry - it's how we met; I loved something he wrote, he messaged me saying thanks for the love, and the conversations started from there. I'd love to add him to my relationships on Fet since those are the friends of mine we'll hang out most with here, but all in good time.

Yes, part of me is still wary. I've had another man once want to move countries for me and that never happened. But I'm not going to sabotage this through pessimism. And as much as I want him here with me, even more I want him to be happy; truly, deeply, passionately in love with his life and being able to direct it for himself wherever it takes him. I hope that brings him here, ideally for a lovely long time. Hell, Adam has even suggested that we move to England to help facilitate my relationship with Lance, but I need to complete by scholarship bonding here first - and after all I have my dream early career job first up!

And my next CT scan tomorrow. Let's hope that doesn't *&^% everything.
 
Well, I guess it's my turn to overthink things.

I love the conversations I have with Lance. We're talking a lot about when he gets here, how he wants to stay longer than his initial visa free trip will allow, the sightseeing, meeting my friends, daily living stuff - basically lots of happy plans. And today I said that once he arrives I'd like to be able to acknowledge our relationship on Fet. He balked. He's currently got Jen listed as a relationship, and we all know she's not poly-friendly. I suspect her happy place would be if I ceased to exist in his life. I don't know their current level of engagement, except that they are still in touch. I guess it's a little more than that if there will be a problem with updating the relationship status. Yes, it's only a word on a page on the internet, but his reaction makes me nervous that all those happy plans are not going to eventuate. Which is ridiculous, totally absurd. I have known Lance for quite a while now and I have never seen anything deceptive in him at all.

I've clearly invested too much hope into this, but I'm afraid if I shut it down then I'll also create a distance that will result in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
Today my head is in an entirely different place.

I'm restless. I'm craving some time (and budget) back in the city. I want the decadence of a weekend of theatre, cocktails, incredible food, a magnificent hotel room etc. etc.

No, I don't have a couple of grand to spend on a weekend; I'm just a little jaded by small town living right at the moment where there's nothing like that worth spending money on. Everything is going so incredibly right I'd just like an indulgence. Having just done the budget projections until July (it's a spreadsheet, it's easy) I cannot foresee this happening this year, not unless something drastic changes in a positive way. But life will be a little easier, regardless, once my job starts at the end of January. And anything that Adam earns next year will be the "play" money so I'll really be pushing him to find a job once we move. It seems a long way off right now, but I'm sure it will fly by. I'm not sure when Lance will get here, nor's he right now, but I want to have some of my own savings to be able to go enjoy some sight seeing etc. with him.

Adam and I are going out for fancy pizza tonight because my last assignment grade came back with 100%. That leaves me with an A+ for overall final grade for the paper, which is obviously delightful, and now there's just a two week wait for the exam results. My next assignment is due the following day, so it's still really full steam ahead.
 
Adam and I did have a night away, about $400 worth of it, but it was wonderful. Fancy pizza was great, and so were the following cocktails, and we just decided to get a motel and stay there the night. It was perfect and I felt so relaxed and revitalised the next day.

I spoke with Lance this morning, too. He assured me that he is unwavering in his plans to move here and he's reasonably sure he will come straight here as well. I'd love him to move in here (the house in my current small town) as Adam and I will be moving into the staff accommodation in my work town next year. It really just is a bit of a waiting game right now for his house to sell. But that's ok, the longer he takes, the more I'll have saved for a bit of fun when he arrives. Since I keep telling myself 6 months, that currently means he'll arrive for winter, and that's a little unfortunate. But he's very keen on being here for next Xmas and experiencing a summertime one.

This Xmas, Adam and I are going to visit his mother at the family property, but there's still a lot to do before then. Including my next damn assignments. Ugh. By now I know I've got this, I'm not going to fail, but goddamn I'm over being assessed.
 
Last Sunday was a particularly social day with the first of the Christmas bbqs from one of Adam's social clubs, and then up to visit with Miz and Manu who are back from a month in Bali. I had a great time at both! Very different, very cool.

I was instantly drawn to Miz when I first met them (and it was mutual), and Manu was great in that he just took a back seat and let us chat away to our hearts content. Now there's been more hanging out time as a group, and I've exchanged a few messages with him, too - he's actually easier to communicate with by text than Miz is - and I enjoy his conversation. Also, Miz and I had a wee snuggle on the bed on Sunday and she said she's happy/comfortable with how Manu and I are developing an intimate friendship.

They are new to any form of poly, but she's huge on it as a philosophical stance and he seems totally comfortable with how things are going. She wants a open relationship but they're also a new couple and IMO there has to be a balance. I'd love to spend a lot of time with them this summer before Adam and I move towns again, so I'll be looking for a lot of opportunities. I think I'm going over this Saturday evening (just me as Adam is out of town).

I like them both, differently but both with a developing level of intimacy that I don't think is intimidating anyone. It's a nice, slow process. And Adam is very happy hanging out with them, too. I also had a lot of fun playing with Miz's poppet (ms 2 1/2). Delightful kid.

I've told Lance about them, and I'm sure there'll be the opportunity for him to meet them next year. He said he's excited to meet all my friends, so yay!
 
I've just been speaking with Lance. He's so exhausted with life in general. I care so deeply about his overall well-being and happiness I checked with him that I'm not adding to his pressure. He said he'd never felt pressured by me, so that's good. I think we're both very excited for the possibilities we have.

Adam is out of town for a week, and my weekend is filling up with all sorts of social things! Kereru and co and having a wee party tonight, and I'm going to crash on the couch to save having to travel back and forth since I'm also hosting a munch tomorrow. Which reminds me I need to get something for the Kris Kringle. Then I'll visit Miz and Manu after that.

So today I better get some more words down for this damn essay!


Update: I got a bottle of peppermint essential oil. I figured it ticked many boxes. The smell of Christmas in an oil burner, a delightful addition to carrier oil for a foot massage (I first found out about peppermint oil and feet when I was working with a ballet company. I was crew but I was told that the dancers found it a great relief), and then of course there's the other places you can put it for a bit of a zing. It is a kinky Kris Kringle after all. (For those who don't know KK is like a lucky dip xmas stocking - one in, one out - as opposed to Secret Santa where you know who you're buying for but they don't).

I also got the first part of Adam's Christmas present just because I saw a cool thing that I think he'll like.

Mike will be there tonight. I get envious. I wish I could have had a more intimate relationship with him, but it was just not logistically doable.
 
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It was really hard watching Mike do an amazing scene and then provide a level of aftercare he's not done when we've been together. Still, I'm not let it going to ruin what we do have.

I also had a first kiss over the weekend (on Saturday night) that finally relit my pilot light. It had definitely gone out a while ago but damn I've just found exactly what I needed. I'm looking forward to the next catch up, even if it's just at my barbeque celebration of finishing my studies.

A lot else happened over the weekend and there were even more roller-coaster ride moments emotionally, but it ended on a high note of a conversation with Lance. I saw him in his reading glasses for the first time!!! OMG what a difference. Ridiculously sexy.

Now I just have a couple of days to somehow write this current assignment. It is truly awful. I am going to be horribly stressed until it's done, but then that's the only way I actually produce any work. :rolleyes:
 
My assignment is due in 4 hours. So, naturally, I'm blanking out and goofing off.

I had another new person arrive in my life last week, we'll call him The Doctor (Phd, not Md), and he's in New York. We've spoken a couple of times and seem to click nicely.

So, roll call (regular contacts only):

Adam, beloved husband, life partner, living together full time except when he's away on trips around the country (like the last week).

Lance, currently LDR, serious partner, making plans for future living together (I'll be doing the two houses thing like Dagferi).

Golf, I just can't bring myself to leave him off the list despite it not being a poly relationship.

Mike, maybe, just maybe, I'm getting over him a little???

Miz and Manu, a couple I'm getting to know. They're new to poly, they're pretty new to each other, things are slow and uneven (she is feeling the need to be "ahead" of him right now in physical intimacy with me) but I'm prepared to put in the effort and I'm hoping it will turn into a long and intimate friendship. Next year I'll see them once a month maximum due to where I'll be living. I am attracted to both but in very different ways (as you would expect). I hope it won't be a source of jealousy between them.

The Doctor, brand new, play partner, New York.


Right, back to that damn assignment. Sigh.

EDIT: Assignment submitted. That sucked. Didn't manage to insert literature into one of the required areas, just couldn't see how it fitted. I don't like the marking rubric. I'll pass, but it won't be a high mark. But then, I'm not at uni to get great marks, I'm at uni to get a diploma and start work in January.

Also, CT came back clear. Whatever it was they were seeing seems to have gone away.
 
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Chalk is here for the weekend. I'm in cuddle heaven and frustration hell lol. Flatmate has the whoooole weekend off and he's spending it all at home. Sigh.
 
On Friday night, Adam and I went to Miz and Manu's place, and their friend - hmmm, Randy, was there. I might update that nickname in time, but he deserves it right now LOL.

So, Manu got very drunk very quickly, which made me uncomfortable for a while, but Randy assured me that this is not a crazy regular occurrence, and the next day, so did Miz. Manu also kissed me and then lied to Miz about doing so. I didn't find out about the lie until Sunday morning (everyone stayed over) when she asked me if he had kissed me. She was awesome about saying that she wanted to know not because there was a major problem regarding me, but that she wanted to have a follow up conversation with him about it being ok to tell the truth now they're forging ahead with a formally open relationship.

But I'm peeved at Manu. I'd specifically told him not to kiss me unless he was 100% sure she was ok with it. I didn't want to be going to her and asking permission for such things, but now, if I choose to have further physical intimacy with Manu, then I'm more inclined to do the permission asking. I'm also peeved about his timing. Because of his drunkenness I felt more like he was taking a kiss than we were sharing it. I'd gone to the bathroom and he'd followed me. Thank god I'd locked the door because he stated he tried to come in! Ugh. I'd tried to tell him to go away, but he was right outside the door when I stepped out. Not my idea of intimacy or romance :mad:

However, later in the evening when he'd gone to bed and things were a little more sane, Miz and I had our own moment of intimacy, which felt so lovely. And I also had a kiss and a cuddle with Randy. The four of us (including Adam) ended up sitting around on the deck under a duvet at 1am. We all had a few laughs the next morning telling Manu bits about what he'd missed.

But I'm still concerned about the damage that that kiss has done, to them, to me, to my relationship with either or both of them. I sincerely hope they will still come to my bbq next weekend.
 
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