sparklepop
New member
Hi guys. My GF had a troublesome but intense relationship that ended last Spring. She is now considering dating the guy (we'll call him Mike) again. I could really use some help navigating this.
They originally broke up (9 months ago) because my GF couldn't handle the stress from both him and myself. He always pushed for more and came across as self-centered and needy. I was constantly insecure, stressed out and felt very alone in our relationship. GF has said, many times, that she sacrificed her relationship with him for me. I never, ever wanted her to. I'm extremely gun-shy, because her dating him was a very difficult period in our relationship, but I want her to be happy and I believe we should all have the freedom to follow our hearts. After contact steadily increased between the two of them over the past few months, she is working at dating him again, upon my encouragement. The main premise, however, was that this time GF (upon her own insistence and wish) would take things *very* slowly, and that GF and I would communicate more effectively and kindly.
So, they had a big 4 hour talk two nights ago. Last night he wanted to talk again and they ended up having another long chat. I told GF that reverting back to long late night chats every few nights like they did when they dated wasn't as slow as I'd expected. However, I wasn't expecting her to change anything; just to acknowledge it and discuss it with me. She became defensive, annoyed and then completely shut down. The last thing she said was that she just shouldn't date him: she can't deal with the stress from both of us again.
It turns out that he'd been subtly pushing for more last night. So, of course, once again, she's got 'stress' from him for being pushy, 'stress' from me for being uncomfortable, and it feels like history is repeating itself. Worse still, all of our promises to communicate effectively seem to have gone out of the window, because she completely stonewalled me and got off the phone. I'm upset because I feel like "hang on, I'm willing to put myself through hell again so that you can be happy, and you can't even understand a minor upset?" and she's upset, because she feels like "for God's sake, you've encouraged me to date him again, and at the first hurdle, you're already getting in my face with issues."
So, I'm really stuck about how to navigate this. I want to be able to communicate without her feeling guilty/stressed and leaping to the "I just shouldn't date him" solution. Does anyone have any advice at all about positive ways to communicate? If I'm encouraging her to date him again, should I essentially just keep any discomfort to myself? In fact, in any poly situation, should I keep my discomfort to myself? I often feel stuck in poly, in terms of that balance between autonomy and 'couple-centrism'. Does being poly mean being an audience to your partner's actions, or does it mean compromising for each other's comfort? Is it possible to have input without being controlling? Is it even fair to ask for compromises such as "hey, can you keep the chats to once a week for now?" or "can you change the time of your chats to a time that's easier for me to manage?" - or is that controlling? Pfffft. Yep. I'm just lost on this one guys.
They originally broke up (9 months ago) because my GF couldn't handle the stress from both him and myself. He always pushed for more and came across as self-centered and needy. I was constantly insecure, stressed out and felt very alone in our relationship. GF has said, many times, that she sacrificed her relationship with him for me. I never, ever wanted her to. I'm extremely gun-shy, because her dating him was a very difficult period in our relationship, but I want her to be happy and I believe we should all have the freedom to follow our hearts. After contact steadily increased between the two of them over the past few months, she is working at dating him again, upon my encouragement. The main premise, however, was that this time GF (upon her own insistence and wish) would take things *very* slowly, and that GF and I would communicate more effectively and kindly.
So, they had a big 4 hour talk two nights ago. Last night he wanted to talk again and they ended up having another long chat. I told GF that reverting back to long late night chats every few nights like they did when they dated wasn't as slow as I'd expected. However, I wasn't expecting her to change anything; just to acknowledge it and discuss it with me. She became defensive, annoyed and then completely shut down. The last thing she said was that she just shouldn't date him: she can't deal with the stress from both of us again.
It turns out that he'd been subtly pushing for more last night. So, of course, once again, she's got 'stress' from him for being pushy, 'stress' from me for being uncomfortable, and it feels like history is repeating itself. Worse still, all of our promises to communicate effectively seem to have gone out of the window, because she completely stonewalled me and got off the phone. I'm upset because I feel like "hang on, I'm willing to put myself through hell again so that you can be happy, and you can't even understand a minor upset?" and she's upset, because she feels like "for God's sake, you've encouraged me to date him again, and at the first hurdle, you're already getting in my face with issues."
So, I'm really stuck about how to navigate this. I want to be able to communicate without her feeling guilty/stressed and leaping to the "I just shouldn't date him" solution. Does anyone have any advice at all about positive ways to communicate? If I'm encouraging her to date him again, should I essentially just keep any discomfort to myself? In fact, in any poly situation, should I keep my discomfort to myself? I often feel stuck in poly, in terms of that balance between autonomy and 'couple-centrism'. Does being poly mean being an audience to your partner's actions, or does it mean compromising for each other's comfort? Is it possible to have input without being controlling? Is it even fair to ask for compromises such as "hey, can you keep the chats to once a week for now?" or "can you change the time of your chats to a time that's easier for me to manage?" - or is that controlling? Pfffft. Yep. I'm just lost on this one guys.
Last edited: