And like I said, I completely agree with you. I did post that "it's fucking stupid" in my update for today. . . How to get husband to stop though?
It's not just fucking stupid, it's deeply unethical, which is the point I was trying to make in my last post.
You asked how you are creating an unethical situation. Let's step back and just look at what's happening.
"My bf doesn't voice up but I have on several occasions and my husband gets upset and circles around about how horrible he has it because I'm not spending enough weekends with him and how he feels he can't provide for me financially."
This is my translation of what you described above:
You're saying: "Your sexual/kinky actions towards this person are unwanted by them."
A person acting ethically would say: "Then I will stop immediately, that is never ok, especially when it comes to emotionally sensitive things like humiliation-play that can be hot as hell when they're consensual but can verge on, or even tip over into, emotionally damaging abuse when they're non-consensual."
Your husband is saying: "Too bad, my insecurities in this situation warrant this non-consensual activity."
You're then saying, not with words but by your actions in continuing to participate in this sexual dynamic: "I accept that."
In theory, yes, your boyfriend should speak up. In reality, he's "used to being treated bad" (history of abuse?) and is also in a vulnerable, exploitable position (you say your husband couldn't and won't get your bf fired, maybe that's true, maybe your bf even intellectually believes that, but it would still be very valid and natural for him to feel fear over it... in this economy, losing your job can ruin your life and, in general, a manager can, in fact, get you fired), so saying "no" is naturally going to be hard and scary, maybe even impossible.
Someone has to put a stop to this. Your husband won't. Your boyfriend feels like he can't. It's up to you. How? Refuse to participate any more. No more group sex without an honest, open, three-person conversation(s) that lay out boundaries and agreements for safe, sane, consensual kink.
Since your bf seems to have a lot of trouble saying no within this relationship, I would strongly suggest that one of those agreements look like this: "These activities are on bf's 'gray' list [white = love it, I can be assumed to be ok with this unless I say no; gray = I'm semi-comfortable with this but it depends on circumstances, it's negotiable; black = never do this], and a clear, no-pressure 'yes, I would like this' must ALWAYS be obtained from bf before they occur."
I know I've kind of been flipping out about this. But it's clear that you love your bf, and I don't think you realize that you're playing with fire when it comes to his mind and his heart. Humiliation play is, for many, many people, a form of "edge play", which is to say that it comes very close to striking at things that could damage a person (other examples include breath restriction and consensual non-consent). You can't fool around with edge play, it's either done safely and consensually, or else you risk being in the heart-breaking position of discovering that you've badly messed up someone who means the world to you. Please be careful.