how do i accept it?

I've only ever had sex for the bond that you create with someone. It's like a trust that nobody else can have.


I think in order for you to become comfortable with your boyfriend fucking and loving others, you need to address the sentiment of possessiveness behind this statement. If you are already seeing the bond created through sex as something exclusively yours to have, you will struggle. For many people, physical intimacy does lead to greater emotional closeness. You say your boyfriend meets your needs; the issue is that you are not sure you meet his. If asking him, point blank to his face, doesn't satisfy you, then you need to delve deeper into why.

I don't think it's irrational to worry because it does sound like there is a genuine disconnect between the pair of you. I hate to say it but it doesn't follow (to my mind at least ) that just because you don't particularly enjoy sex, that him finding super awesome satisfying sex elsewhere wouldn't be a threat to your position in his life. It might be. So, what would convince you otherwise? Poly might be a solution, because if you set him free in that way, you might find that he keeps coming back to you, so to speak. But if him having a satisfying sexual/romantic/emotional relationship with another is going to mean you constantly feel inadequate or less than, then it's not viable. In all honesty, polyamory doesn't tend to work unless both partners want it for their own reasons - not just for one's partner's own sake, but for oneself. What could having an open relationship bring to YOUR life, other than potential satisfaction for him? When you have the answer to that question, you will have a motivation strong enough to keep you working at your insecurities.
 
I can't meet him now, the guy he's talking to lives in London, and had previous plans to come to the states in a year or so. And I have brought the concern about being replaced to him. And we talked about it for some time. He says that there are certain things that I can give him that his other partner won't be able to give him, and certain things that his partner can give him but I can't. In the long run, if it doesn't work out, he's not just going to leave me, it's not an immediate fix to the situation. I agree everyone needs to be happy in the relation, and I do know that this other persons feelings are involved and are as valid as mine.
 
we've built this relationship of trust, honesty, caring, and a little cliche, but we truly love each other.

I guess I don't understand why a close friendship could not have all those qualities.

he's not forcing me to accept this choice. It's my choice to want to accept this for him.

If however this isn't what I want, we'll figure something out.

You sound like you don't want especially want polyamory for yourself. I don't understand why you guys don't choose to move on to "figuring something else out."

I get that some people have "acts of service" as their love language, but I don't think entering polyamory mainly to please a partner is something I would do as an act of service.

But I am me and you are you. This is something only you can decide for your situation.

The only thing I can suggest is to NOT get married until this is all sorted out. Don't be trying to do two life changing things at the same time --- the stress is huge. And if you decide you want to try poly, to take some time to read about it before jumping in.

In case it helps, here are some more "hub" pages that lead to other articles.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
https://www.morethantwo.com

Some of your worries about being replaced and what not? Sound like poly hell to me. And maybe some coping with jealousy.

Maybe you guys could read together and then talk about how to deal with all that? Or talk to a poly friendly counselor to help guide you?

Maybe you both could figure out what your deal breakers are before attempting to practice polyamory.

Galagirl
 
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We don't plan on getting married for a year or two, and hopefully a lot of this will be figured out by then. And I don't really have anyone I can turn to that I know, which is why I came here. Thank you for all your words and links. I'll read up on all of them.

Have a good fourth of July guys. ��
 
Keep us posted if you're willing; let us know if any further questions or concerns come up.
 
I suppose he would cancel his pending marriage with OP?
 
That would be something we'd all have to figure out when it comes. I don't think the one he was talking to worked out. The other guy hasn't replied in a couple days to him, but he was visiting his parents. So, who knows. We'll proceed as normal for now. Planning the wedding in a year or so. And we'll figure out the other pieces as time comes. The idea just takes some getting used to, but I think I'll be okay with it. Don't know unless you put into action.
 
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