Vent....

lizzygirl2412

New member
So here is my last couple days in a nut shell... if it will all fit!!
I will start from the beginning.. About 2 years ago my dear sweet loving devoted husband K started discussing with me his interest in possibly bringing another woman into our relationship. I said sure not problem but being that we both work all the time, I never really worried about it or took it seriously.
Here I am two years later looking for someone else online for our relationship.

Excuse me right this second, I have been drinking

Anyway to make a long story really short. He already has someone.. Im sure that comes as a big surprise to all of you(sarcasm)!!
So I guess I should look no further, I was trying to be the "good wife" now I have this person that has been having fun with my husband now he wants her to be part of our relationship.
Not only that he wants me to teach this person how to treat him and how he likes things and how a woman should act.. excuse me for being blind sided here.
I guess we have a third and I guess I have just had her shoved down my throat. Not feeling the love right now everyone.. thoughts suggestions please!!!??
 
they apparently already have had a relationship for quite some time and I am apparently the last one to know... forgot that part!
I feel like a fool and the ass end of a really bad joke!!
Im glad to be a loving wife
 
I am truly sorry you were betrayed! Just remember - just because you are his sub does not mean you have to accept his mistress as a metamour or sex partner. He cheated on you. Don't let him walk all over you. Sub does not equal doormat. He will have to rebuild trust first.
 
Whoa. He asked you about opening the relationship two years ago, and you found out that he already has someone. So he was cheating, and now expects you to teach this one and accept her?

I know you have the D/S thing going on, but respect is a must in this lady's book of life. How does he even know that you and her are romantically compatible? He just brought home a person, and you are supposed to be a-okay with it and just deal? Wow.

Ry
 
Once again ladies let me say how sorry I am. I am NOT a drinker and I have had four drinks so my language and attitude right now sucks.
Not only does he want me to accept her, this B**ch says she will be the queen of the castle. I may be a sub to my husband but in the outside world I do dominate!! I work in a mans world and in that world i make men look like little bitty ants.
I have not ever felt this side of myself in my personal relationship but I am feeling it now.
Part of me wants to tell them both to go suck an egg.
this is the worst part, I am an open person, non judgemental, I think.. for the most part but there is a time and place for everything. This woman is like 6 foot something and looks like something the cat drug in or my dog needs to eat. she is "hard"
Is that what he wants?? Why does he want me to teach her anything, am i not good enough what is wrong with me. I can see finding a soft hearted loving girl. I would love and adore her but to put this thing in front of me .. seriously what am i suppose to do??
Sorry for the rant but I am so hurting right now!!
Im not a stupid woman but obviously Im just a blinded woman... advice please
 
and I know her from a long time ago. Its not that i didnt like her more like she just wasnt my cup of tea.... Her crowd is more of the bar and party type where mine is more of the home body love thy children type. we are polar opposites!!
 
No need to apologise. You are dealing with quite a bit. I wish my husband would. He would not have any balls. There is a lot of work to be done. This is how polyamoury should NOT be done. The way he presented her is like someone cooking your favourite meal and instead of putting it on a plate, they go outside to the trash bin remove the lid and serve it that way. That is about how palatable this situation is. You cannot force attraction or force yourself to want to be romantically involved with her. For K to even expect that is unreal. And queen of the castle? Presumptuous little duckie. I am the lady of this estate, and no one is going to take my place.

Ry
 
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ry
It has been a long long time since I have had the need to step outside myself and be a C word but boy it is starting to show. I am so angry at both of them right now I cant see straight. My husband ask me today "so tell me" i said "tell you what"
He wants me to blow
and my response was " it has taken me years to be who I am, I do not degrate people nor do I stoop low enough to make people feel above me. I will not allow you or her to change me, I am who I am. Deal with it"
Part of me wants to lash out but honestly I would be giving them what they want. When I smile and nodd, neither of them know what I am thinking nor what I am capable of.
Let them both go get F**ked!! I will smile and let them wonder.
Believe me when I say, I bring in half the income. this bitch doesnt even work
Im sure that thought has crossed his mind.
Why couldnt he just let me find a nice person instead of trying to force me into something??? Thanks for being there, I know i sound like a mad woman right now!!
 
There is a lot of work to be done. First, he needs to work on earning your trust back. You have to forgive him. For yourself and then him in time.

Ry

Actually, you don't need to accept this situation or forgive him at all. You can kick him out, change the locks, and file divorce papers.

And then you can find a Dom who will treat you with love and respect.
 
Actually, you don't need to accept this situation or forgive him at all. You can kick him out, change the locks, and file divorce papers.

And then you can find a Dom who will treat you with love and respect.

I would not stay, but I have to be the butterfly of optimism. Love or not. His ass would have to go.

Ry
 
I won't pretend to know a lot about D/s relationships, but even from the small bit I have learned, a Dom does not get to break boundaries and make unilateral decisions on such important information!

You are totally upset and well within your rights to be. Be upset, vent. Don't make a decision until you can think straight and whether because of alcohol or anger, that's not now. Whatever decision you come to, get out now or try and work it out, you will need to think straight. You will also need to tell him he screwed up, how badly and that whatever way this turns out, THAT he can't fix and can only understand and apologize and try to earn your trust back.
 
I am not well versed in D/S relationships, but this certainly does not read like anything I have ever encountered. Is there anyway you can step away and spend some time alone with your thoughts? I know you are angry, hurting, and probably ready to choke somebody. All within reason. It is disrespectful on many different levels, so I would not blame you a bit if you chose to leave.
 
Thank you everyone
Yes there is time where I have alone time, this week I go on the road by myself on wednesday. For now I will stew in my Jose' and hope that I dont make my mind my worst enemy. We were solid, I just wish I knew what I did wrong...
 
You did nothing wrong. You could have been his idea of a goddess and sheer perfection, and he probably would have still been looking for something more. He was wrong. He took away your choice and abused his power as a dom. Why does anyone cheat? Age old question that has no definitive answer. I know Jose may seem like your friend, but Jose is just a band-aid. I hope you are being careful. The last thing you want to do is something you may regret because you are not thinking clearly. Sending hugs your way.
 
Thank you everyone
Yes there is time where I have alone time, this week I go on the road by myself on wednesday. For now I will stew in my Jose' and hope that I dont make my mind my worst enemy. We were solid, I just wish I knew what I did wrong...

Why assume you have done something wrong?

Also - and I really don't want to pry into your way of coping with trauma - but I wonder if it would be easier for you to get some perspective on all this if you were to stop drinking, get some rest, and take care of yourself, a little.

I mean, I can see the desire to blunt the first wave of pain and anger, but once that's passed, you'll need your wits about you so you can think more clearly about what you need to do on your own behalf.
 
Big hugs Lizzy....

I wouldn't tolerate that behavior.. Cheating isn't an open relationship nor is it poly..I wouldn't teach her anything.. and if they are so close why doesn't she already know the in's and out's of his likes and dislikes? I also wouldn't have her be the queen of anything but the back door as I kicked her out of it.

You did nothing wrong...

You certainly do need some time to think (and plan) but even if you stay with him, there is no way your going to be able to trust much of anything either one of them do in the future.
 
Wow, what an entitled ass. He has your permission to work with you on finding a third partner, and yet he cheats -- in an ongoing, long-term way, it sounds like -- and then expects you to just accept that you've been living a lie and tries to give you no choice in who to share your heart and your body with. That's just sick. You shouldn't stand for it, no two ways about it.

If nothing else, there's this -- by cheating, he opened you up to STI risk that you knew nothing about. In an open, honest relationship, you could have assessed what you were comfortable with in light of who else she might be with her or might have been with in the past, what her testing status is, etc. Instead, he took your control over your own health out of your hands without your knowledge. Again... just sick.

Maybe pack a few bags and stay with a relative or friend for a minimum of a week, while you decide whether there's anything to salvage here, or whether it's time for you to move on.
 
This is terrible!

Actually, you don't need to accept this situation or forgive him at all. You can kick him out, change the locks, and file divorce papers.

And then you can find a Dom who will treat you with love and respect.

I cannot say it better than Meera.

Your spouse cheated and wants to use the D/s dynamic to just make it ok? No... not ethical, dude. Not ethical poly, not ethical D/s. Just cheating crap. :(

A dom only GETS to be a dom to the sub because of the sub's desire/wishes and consent. You both play in the D/s framework you both co-create. Unless you signed up for this treatment (and your response indicates you did NOT) he's crossing lines. If he cannot control himself how can he hope to control you in a good D/s dynamic?

Could call shenanigans and just end it. You don't need this. Say no thanks, not participating! Not good for my health! Do what you gotta -- change locks, get std testing, get counseling -- do your self care you decide you need to heal YOU.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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Wow....

Long term deception, cowardice, manipulation, lies, total abuse of your trust, disregard for the love you've shown him.

Any asshole can force someone into a cage and treat them poorly. That is hardly Mastery and it is definitely not poly.

I am ordinarily an advocate of working things through, but this is bullshit. If you were my rl friend, my daughter, my sister, my neighbor, i'd strongly urge you to get the hell out of this toxic situation. This is deliberate and definite lying and utterly makes me sick.

This is sociopathic and self-serving abuse of power. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

K is way out of line and nobody deserves this kind of treatment. I'm at a total loss for anything positive to say. :mad:

50% of the income is provided by you and there are no kids at home? If that is the case, cut your losses. Buy a plane ticket and change scenery.

Big hugs.

Jim
 
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